Anonymous
12/02/2013 10:41
Subject: Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
OP, just quit checking this thread. I am incredibly impressed by your attitude towards DD and her Dad - DCUM posters like to act like everything is BLACK and WHITE and everything they know is everyone else's experience. You sound mature and long-thinking. There's not a damn thing you can do besides hope for the best; not sure how anyone would think you could control DD's dad into doing what you want him to do. You sound like your head is screwed on straight and boy is DD going to thank you one day for how you've approached all of this! Good job, and now go away before the meanies take you down! 
Anonymous
12/02/2013 09:32
Subject: Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's why I'm in no rush to buy in the area; it's expensive and I'd want to ensure we're here for the duration. With no close family this is tough to do. I'm hoping DD's dad gets more involved and I do really enjoy living here; two good reasons to stay in the area for now. If his level of involvement with DD remains where it is now I may move us closer to my parents. He and I have discussed this option and he doesn't oppose the two of us moving. I'm glad for the lack of conflict, but saddened for DD as I feel their relationship is very important.
Hope is not a plan. Are you really a doctor?
Anonymous
12/02/2013 09:31
Subject: Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's why I'm in no rush to buy in the area; it's expensive and I'd want to ensure we're here for the duration. With no close family this is tough to do. I'm hoping DD's dad gets more involved and I do really enjoy living here; two good reasons to stay in the area for now. If his level of involvement with DD remains where it is now I may move us closer to my parents. He and I have discussed this option and he doesn't oppose the two of us moving. I'm glad for the lack of conflict, but saddened for DD as I feel their relationship is very important.
Anonymous
12/02/2013 08:31
Subject: Re:Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:$550 a month is nothing to sneeze at. My ex is required to pay around $300 a month and I pretend that I don't get anything and put it directly into savings for my DD. It adds up. I don't think a dad is a real dad if he doesn't support his child. He can have a relationship with the child all he wants but he isn't a dad if you are the only one supporting her.
OP here, and yes, I couldn't agree more. And lots of guys in their 20's get it together and learn to make it work. I'm not trying to give him a pass. But we didn't plan DD. And my decision to have her was unilateral. In my 20's, I was supported and encouraged by parents who valued education and helped guide me to my current profession. He had none of the same support. He's doing better professionally within the last year and this is a product of his own hard work. I feel it would be unfair to derail that effort at a time in his life that is crucial for professional development.
The obvious danger with my plan: setting a precedent of non-responsibility on his part. Making it look so "easy" that it seems I don't need his help. Etc., etc. Obviously I don't have an endless stream of cash and I'm on this particular forum looking for budgeting advice to improve our lives, so yes, he could mitigate some of that. And when school starts he is aware that I expect him to contribute to that (e.g. cost of lessons/activities if she goes public).
What I hope is that given some time, our roles and thus, our contributions, in/to DD's life will equalize somewhat. Or, I may meet someone who will be as special in my and her life as my step-dad is in mine and my mom's (married to my mom for 27 years). But there are no guarantees. It's a long road we're on. We'll see how it goes.
OP, just wanted to say I admire how you are handling yourself. Whether people agree with you or not you have clearly thought this through and are trying to do what's best for all involved, especially your DD.
Anonymous
12/02/2013 08:14
Subject: Re:Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:$550 a month is nothing to sneeze at. My ex is required to pay around $300 a month and I pretend that I don't get anything and put it directly into savings for my DD. It adds up. I don't think a dad is a real dad if he doesn't support his child. He can have a relationship with the child all he wants but he isn't a dad if you are the only one supporting her.
OP here, and yes, I couldn't agree more. And lots of guys in their 20's get it together and learn to make it work. I'm not trying to give him a pass. But we didn't plan DD. And my decision to have her was unilateral. In my 20's, I was supported and encouraged by parents who valued education and helped guide me to my current profession. He had none of the same support. He's doing better professionally within the last year and this is a product of his own hard work. I feel it would be unfair to derail that effort at a time in his life that is crucial for professional development.
The obvious danger with my plan: setting a precedent of non-responsibility on his part. Making it look so "easy" that it seems I don't need his help. Etc., etc. Obviously I don't have an endless stream of cash and I'm on this particular forum looking for budgeting advice to improve our lives, so yes, he could mitigate some of that. And when school starts he is aware that I expect him to contribute to that (e.g. cost of lessons/activities if she goes public).
What I hope is that given some time, our roles and thus, our contributions, in/to DD's life will equalize somewhat. Or, I may meet someone who will be as special in my and her life as my step-dad is in mine and my mom's (married to my mom for 27 years). But there are no guarantees. It's a long road we're on. We'll see how it goes.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 21:32
Subject: Re:Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
$550 a month is nothing to sneeze at. My ex is required to pay around $300 a month and I pretend that I don't get anything and put it directly into savings for my DD. It adds up. I don't think a dad is a real dad if he doesn't support his child. He can have a relationship with the child all he wants but he isn't a dad if you are the only one supporting her.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 21:20
Subject: Re:Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree about not going after child support. You don't need to involve lawyers. Just file and he will go to court where a judge will decide support. Even if he makes next to nothing, he still needs to contribute to his child's upbringing. Once CS is determined, it can come right out of his paycheck into your checking account. You don't have to pay anything to file. Just fill out paperwork.
I hear you. Believe me, I've gotten my share of opinions on this issue. I'm really enjoying this budgeting discussion and don't want to derail my own thread. But:
At our combined income level, presumptive DC guidelines don't apply. However, plugging our numbers in using the basic calculator puts his obligation at $550/mo, $430 above what he's currently putting in DD's 529. Would that extra $430/mo help us? Of course. But DD's birth, as joyous of an event as it was, was a complex event. Being at a point where I was personally, professionally, and financially stable to become a parent, I welcomed the pregnancy and was over the moon. But his circumstances were different, and when I chose to have DD, I knew that. I decided to prioritize re-building trust and a friendship between the two of us, rather than focus on a few hundred dollars a month. And we've made some pretty great progress. I have an incredibly generous and supportive family, and DD will not go without something she needs. If my goal is to raise a happy, emotionally healthy young woman, she'll need her Dad.
Now. That all sounds lovely. But it just may not work out that way. The statistics surrounding father-child contact 7 years after birth when mom and dad weren't married are discouraging (only 23 % have frequent contact with their kids). But this is a long road ahead of us, and I felt that starting from a place where I emphasized the importance of his role as a dad (rather than his role as a monetary provider) was a better way to begin. We can change course at any time, and when he's no longer in his 20's, it wouldn't surprise me if he stepped up on his own. Until then, it works for us.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 19:27
Subject: Re:Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
I completely disagree about not going after child support. You don't need to involve lawyers. Just file and he will go to court where a judge will decide support. Even if he makes next to nothing, he still needs to contribute to his child's upbringing. Once CS is determined, it can come right out of his paycheck into your checking account. You don't have to pay anything to file. Just fill out paperwork.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 18:25
Subject: Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
OP here. 9:39 these are good suggestions; when I downloaded mint.com I learned that I'm paying too much for car insurance. I'll look into this and probably switch this month. Re: cable, I'm trying a free month of Netflix streaming ($7.99/mo after that) to see if I like it better than cable, although I'd like to keep cable for DD's nanny as the whole internet TV/netflix thing is confusing for her. Cell is pricey. I keep my whole life organized on my iphone so I'm going to keep it, but maybe examine my overall minute usage. I'm up for contract renewal anyway.
23:36 I realize that it's an overall net loss to pay off my loans early with a current interest rate of 2.875% rather than putting those extra payments into a fund earning 3-4%, but honestly the thought of educational debt hanging over my head in my 60's is depressing. I realize that's an emotional decision, but the smart docs I know banged out their loan in the first few years after residency and are thrilled they did. I'm starting a couple years later than those friends of mine, but it feels like the right thing to do.
9:24, I don't collect CS from dad. A significant age and income disparity exists, and at his age I wasn't ready for kids either (I occasionally post in the Parenting/special concerns forum so you may have read our story). I felt that pursuing child support would at best alienate him and at worst land us in court spending DD's college money on attorney fees, not to mention the damage it would do to his and my chances to become a team for DD. Now, he will need to have some skin in the game at some point, so as he stays involved and she starts preschool we'll re-evaluate. But the 529 contribution is a nice start, and importantly, wasn't at my urging. It seems that keeping DD and my home open to him has helped positively shape his feelings about the situation, so this is the approach I'd like to continue. I have an attorney should I need one, but if we can do this as friends who understand that this isn't about us, but about our child, then everyone wins (esp DD).
23:36 I realize that it's an overall net loss to pay off my loans early with a current interest rate of 2.875% rather than putting those extra payments into a fund earning 3-4%, but honestly the thought of educational debt hanging over my head in my 60's is depressing. I realize that's an emotional decision, but the smart docs I know banged out their loan in the first few years after residency and are thrilled they did. I'm starting a couple years later than those friends of mine, but it feels like the right thing to do.
9:24, I don't collect CS from dad. A significant age and income disparity exists, and at his age I wasn't ready for kids either (I occasionally post in the Parenting/special concerns forum so you may have read our story). I felt that pursuing child support would at best alienate him and at worst land us in court spending DD's college money on attorney fees, not to mention the damage it would do to his and my chances to become a team for DD. Now, he will need to have some skin in the game at some point, so as he stays involved and she starts preschool we'll re-evaluate. But the 529 contribution is a nice start, and importantly, wasn't at my urging. It seems that keeping DD and my home open to him has helped positively shape his feelings about the situation, so this is the approach I'd like to continue. I have an attorney should I need one, but if we can do this as friends who understand that this isn't about us, but about our child, then everyone wins (esp DD).
Anonymous
12/01/2013 09:45
Subject: Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Our budget:
Rent: $2850/mo in the district (This is high. We are here bc it is walking distance to DD's nanny who doesn't drive, close to my social support system, and in bounds for an excellent public school).
Nanny: $2400/mo (This is also high. I can't use traditional daycare due to my hospital hours which are often evening, overnights, early mornings. I pay her $15/hr for 40 hrs/week).
Student loan: $1100/mo
Comcast: $100/mo (cable and internet; I could probably cut cable)
Cell: $107/m0
Car insurance: $171/mo
Pepco: $75/mo
Groceries, entertainment, travel, gas: About $800/mo
Total: $7603/mo.
Do you make a lot of calls on your cell? I switched to a tracfone and now I pay $20 per month
Get a satellite antenna and then you will not need to buy cable
Pay off your student loan. You do not want to have this when you retire.
When your kid is older, consider getting an au pair
Car insurance should not be that much, mine is a lot cheaper
I would pay less towards the kids college savings. Your kid might get scholarships, go to state college etc. And you can always borrow for college, but to borrow for retirement is more difficult.
Just get rid of the student loan even if it means less savings for retirement
For entertainment, buy movie tickets from costco
Why the focus on such a low rate loan? Over retirement?
OP already answered that. The interest rate might be low but it's massive, and could affect her ability to qualify for a mortgage. Also she will still be saving the maximum in all tax-advantaged space available to her annually.
Anonymous
11/30/2013 23:36
Subject: Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Our budget:
Rent: $2850/mo in the district (This is high. We are here bc it is walking distance to DD's nanny who doesn't drive, close to my social support system, and in bounds for an excellent public school).
Nanny: $2400/mo (This is also high. I can't use traditional daycare due to my hospital hours which are often evening, overnights, early mornings. I pay her $15/hr for 40 hrs/week).
Student loan: $1100/mo
Comcast: $100/mo (cable and internet; I could probably cut cable)
Cell: $107/m0
Car insurance: $171/mo
Pepco: $75/mo
Groceries, entertainment, travel, gas: About $800/mo
Total: $7603/mo.
Do you make a lot of calls on your cell? I switched to a tracfone and now I pay $20 per month
Get a satellite antenna and then you will not need to buy cable
Pay off your student loan. You do not want to have this when you retire.
When your kid is older, consider getting an au pair
Car insurance should not be that much, mine is a lot cheaper
I would pay less towards the kids college savings. Your kid might get scholarships, go to state college etc. And you can always borrow for college, but to borrow for retirement is more difficult.
Just get rid of the student loan even if it means less savings for retirement
For entertainment, buy movie tickets from costco
Why the focus on such a low rate loan? Over retirement?
Anonymous
11/30/2013 09:39
Subject: Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:
Our budget:
Rent: $2850/mo in the district (This is high. We are here bc it is walking distance to DD's nanny who doesn't drive, close to my social support system, and in bounds for an excellent public school).
Nanny: $2400/mo (This is also high. I can't use traditional daycare due to my hospital hours which are often evening, overnights, early mornings. I pay her $15/hr for 40 hrs/week).
Student loan: $1100/mo
Comcast: $100/mo (cable and internet; I could probably cut cable)
Cell: $107/m0
Car insurance: $171/mo
Pepco: $75/mo
Groceries, entertainment, travel, gas: About $800/mo
Total: $7603/mo.
Do you make a lot of calls on your cell? I switched to a tracfone and now I pay $20 per month
Get a satellite antenna and then you will not need to buy cable
Pay off your student loan. You do not want to have this when you retire.
When your kid is older, consider getting an au pair
Car insurance should not be that much, mine is a lot cheaper
I would pay less towards the kids college savings. Your kid might get scholarships, go to state college etc. And you can always borrow for college, but to borrow for retirement is more difficult.
Just get rid of the student loan even if it means less savings for retirement
For entertainment, buy movie tickets from costco
Anonymous
11/30/2013 09:24
Subject: Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
I don't recall if you mentioned this, but are you getting child support from the dad? I hope you are as you have every right to it.
Anonymous
11/27/2013 18:04
Subject: Re:Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You are not very smart considering you're a doctor.
Your are the trolly twat waffle that attacked me, the lawyer. Bitch bye[/quote
Not that PP, but I read your thread and the OP here handled herself with a lot more grace than you did. Take notes.
Go away troll.
Anonymous
11/27/2013 17:52
Subject: Re:Single parent in need of debt management/savings advice
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You are not very smart considering you're a doctor.
Your are the trolly twat waffle that attacked me, the lawyer. Bitch bye[/quote
Not that PP, but I read your thread and the OP here handled herself with a lot more grace than you did. Take notes.