Anonymous
01/23/2014 20:22
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Really OP? Sounds like you have a very engaged DH and you should be embarrassed to even let this bother you enough to post it on DCUM.
Stop being selfish and childish and grow up. I am sure that eventually there will be a shift where your DH is going to "unfairly carry" more on his shoulders than you will. get over it.
+1 million!!!
What??? OP is asking for advice. No need to pour it on, geez. And no, she doesn't sound selfish or childish.
Anonymous
01/23/2014 11:45
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's life. Things are never going to be split down the middle.
Yes, get over it. You are creating one more problem for yourself. Be grateful that you have that flexibility. (Or outsource a babysitter or family member to take your kid to the doctor's appointments.)
Agree. It is always going to be easier for one parent to do this stuff. I know I do the majority, that's just the way it is.
I'm with OP, I don't think it's fair. I'm all for fairness in a marriage, otherwise resentments undermine the relationship. Of course my husband and I each make 50% of the household income. If I had a play job, I'd have to suck it up and agree that unfairness was "just the way it is."
Only if you are a child or a childish mind that truly expects that in an adult world and an adult life, things are always 50-50.
I am so glad and feel so blessed that I understand that life is not fair and my DH holds up more than his "fair" share when life calls for it, and I do the same.
OP, ignore this poster, figure out how to make it work in your current circumstances. If hubby has to spend the next 6mth-12mth working his ass off, then it is what it is. Get him to agree to getting household help so that you are not OVERburdened.
Please don't waste your time being resentful or keeping tabs. Sounds like your DH is usually a full partner. Circumstances have changed...how is your team going to change to accommodate that...figure it out together.
Anonymous
01/23/2014 11:42
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
OP, think of it as a stage. DH is "leaning in" and so you're pulling more domestic weight for now. Either he will make more money from it in which case you can outsource, or his responsibilities will stabilize and he'll be able to help out more--either way something will change soon. You sound dangerously close to a scorekeeping mentality and good on you for recognizing it and trying to head it off.
Anonymous
01/23/2014 11:30
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's life. Things are never going to be split down the middle.
Yes, get over it. You are creating one more problem for yourself. Be grateful that you have that flexibility. (Or outsource a babysitter or family member to take your kid to the doctor's appointments.)
Agree. It is always going to be easier for one parent to do this stuff. I know I do the majority, that's just the way it is.
I'm with OP, I don't think it's fair. I'm all for fairness in a marriage, otherwise resentments undermine the relationship. Of course my husband and I each make 50% of the household income. If I had a play job, I'd have to suck it up and agree that unfairness was "just the way it is."
I'm the person you quoted on the "just the way it is." I am a little insulted that you took my quote to mean I'm making chump change. I am not. I make a very good salary, but my work schedule is much more flexible. I hate to tell all of you this, but it is not about the marriage, it is about the child. The child's needs to come first. If the child needs to go to the specialist, than one of the parents need to make it a priority. Seriously? All of you tit for tat people need to grow up -- talk about immature.
Anonymous
01/23/2014 11:26
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's life. Things are never going to be split down the middle.
Yes, get over it. You are creating one more problem for yourself. Be grateful that you have that flexibility. (Or outsource a babysitter or family member to take your kid to the doctor's appointments.)
Agree. It is always going to be easier for one parent to do this stuff. I know I do the majority, that's just the way it is.
I'm with OP, I don't think it's fair. I'm all for fairness in a marriage, otherwise resentments undermine the relationship. Of course my husband and I each make 50% of the household income. If I had a play job, I'd have to suck it up and agree that unfairness was "just the way it is."
Anonymous
01/23/2014 11:23
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's life. Things are never going to be split down the middle.
Yes, get over it. You are creating one more problem for yourself. Be grateful that you have that flexibility. (Or outsource a babysitter or family member to take your kid to the doctor's appointments.)
Agree. It is always going to be easier for one parent to do this stuff. I know I do the majority, that's just the way it is.
Anonymous
01/23/2014 10:51
Subject: Re:How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think what might be driving my resentment some isn't just the appts, but also that now every night, as soon as DH gets home, he logs back on (gets off for dinner, bath, and bed) and is on until 11.30 each night. All the stuff we used to share- cleaning up, getting kids' lunches and items prepped for the next day, etc.- usually falls on me now.
I agree that he should push back and say enough is enough at work, but...his job is the type where that means he's canceling meetings with Assistant Secretaries, Congressional members, etc. He should be able to, but in practice, it just wouldn't fly. Hopefully as things settle into place, he can start delegating responsibilities.
We have no family here to help out and I would not necessarily want a babysitter taking DS to his specialist appts anyway.
Figure out how to make this work -- can you get a cleaning service -- do more meal preparation on the weekends -- get a mother's helper a couple evenings a week. Honestly, it does not sound like your husband has the type of job that allows for any flexibility -- right now.
So, the question is how do you make things work under the current circumstances.
Anonymous
01/23/2014 08:07
Subject: Re:How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
I agree about having someone being the consistent appt. person for following up with questions.
Anonymous
01/22/2014 20:20
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Thats life and at least u have a job which in the end means more money to take care of ur fam!!!! With that said im sure whatever obstacles will work itself out!!!
Anonymous
11/21/2013 14:51
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:
OP, you are truly lucky to have such small, small, problems!
Really. Some of us deal with lay-offs, incurable disease, arguments and conflict that turn into divorce, etc. You get the idea.
And you have this problem of not splitting medical appointments? When you say that your husband pitches in for household and childcare activities otherwise?
Lucky, lucky you.
You again?
Anonymous
11/21/2013 14:45
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:
OP, you are truly lucky to have such small, small, problems!
Really. Some of us deal with lay-offs, incurable disease, arguments and conflict that turn into divorce, etc. You get the idea.
And you have this problem of not splitting medical appointments? When you say that your husband pitches in for household and childcare activities otherwise?
Lucky, lucky you.
OP here. I get it- this isn't a huge deal. But who's to say I don't have other bigger problems? I deal with a fil dying from alcoholism, and In desperate need of a liver transplant, a mil who has mental health issues, my own alcoholic father who just apparently drove home drunk the other night and has now allegedly sworn off drinking, and my own recovery from a surgery last week that brought my parents here to help me because I'm otherwise incapacitated. I just choose not to burden DCUM with those problems
Anonymous
11/21/2013 14:40
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
OP, you are truly lucky to have such small, small, problems!
Really. Some of us deal with lay-offs, incurable disease, arguments and conflict that turn into divorce, etc. You get the idea.
And you have this problem of not splitting medical appointments? When you say that your husband pitches in for household and childcare activities otherwise?
Lucky, lucky you.
Anonymous
11/21/2013 14:37
Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:It's probably better to have one person going consistently to ask and answer questions anyhow.
This. I have a dc with medical needs and do all the doc appts with dh only attending the very important ones as well. It's really a lot better if one person is in charge of the information otherwise there's too much possibility for loss/mis-information.