Anonymous
10/27/2013 12:20
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Anonymous wrote:Ok, folks. Let's end this thread. It's turning into the one thing I didn't: about the friends and how I feel about them.
its not about them or me. Its about how I should approach my husband. Throw him a party myself? Yes, I have thought of that. Let me see invite those friends.....who.....cant.....go..... See my point? Its not about me, its about how I can deal with my DH.
OP, you are either a troll or an idiot. Grow up.
Anonymous
10/27/2013 11:47
Subject: Re:friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
How to deal with husband: Wait until you know he is really stressed and say "can I talk to you for a minute, it's important." Sit him down and tell him that his family and friends are all selfish deadbeats who don't actually care about him. Stress that they have refused to throw the party because they don't care about his survival. Tell him you need to make a plan about how best to exclude of these people from your lives. Cry.
OR
Keep it low key. Tell husband that it doesn't seem like the timing for the party will work out this year, and how does he feel about doing something different like a nice dinner or a weekend trip. Ask him how he feels about celebrating the anniversary and what he'd like to do in future years.
OR
Keep it low key. Tell husband that it doesn't seem like the timing for the party will work out this year, and how does he feel about doing something different like a nice dinner or a weekend trip. Ask him how he feels about celebrating the anniversary and what he'd like to do in future years.
Anonymous
10/27/2013 11:29
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
um.. DH's friends and family are not selfish. you are.
It's been 5 years. either do something small with your husband or pay for the party yourself.
good lord. they are being KIND by having excuses to not throw another one. Actually, in a way they are not, someone should have the balls to say to your face what every other person on here will.
It's been 5 years. either do something small with your husband or pay for the party yourself.
good lord. they are being KIND by having excuses to not throw another one. Actually, in a way they are not, someone should have the balls to say to your face what every other person on here will.
Anonymous
10/27/2013 11:22
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Anonymous wrote:Ok, folks. Let's end this thread. It's turning into the one thing I didn't: about the friends and how I feel about them.
its not about them or me. Its about how I should approach my husband. Throw him a party myself? Yes, I have thought of that. Let me see invite those friends.....who.....cant.....go..... See my point? Its not about me, its about how I can deal with my DH.
There were a bunch of other suggestions, including going away for the weekend to celebrate. Ditch the party. It is not a good idea. And I know you want to portray your friends as evil (even though you keep saying that you do not), but come on.
Anonymous
10/27/2013 10:25
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Anonymous wrote:Frankly, it sounds like you are very fortunate to have had friends and family plan a party like this for so long. I can think of no other event where other adults plan an annual party for an adult (birthdays, anniversaries are usually only large parties for milestone years). Be grateful for what you have had, and plan to celebrate the milestone just you and DH this year.
It's ok for the friends to be busier and not to do this--it doesn't make them less your friends. Have you and DH reciprocated support for other big issues in their lives?
This.
Anonymous
10/27/2013 10:20
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Why don't you throw a party on a different date and then maybe . . . they. . . can. . . go.
Anonymous
10/27/2013 07:39
Subject: Re:friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Just because none of those friends has time to plan, throw and host a party, doesn't mean that none of them will be able to attend one you throw. I'm assuming it doesn't have to be on one specific day of the year, so call around and see what date works for the majority, then host a get together yourself, not necessarily to celebrate the lack of cancer, but to celebrate having friends who have gone out of their way for your DH every year for the past 5 years. After all, you can't make OLD friends.
Anonymous
10/27/2013 00:26
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Anonymous wrote:Ok, folks. Let's end this thread. It's turning into the one thing I didn't: about the friends and how I feel about them.
its not about them or me. Its about how I should approach my husband. Throw him a party myself? Yes, I have thought of that. Let me see invite those friends.....who.....cant.....go..... See my point? Its not about me, its about how I can deal with my DH.
OP, unfortunately, it is about you. You still insist on throwing a party that nobody will probably come to and upset your DH further.
Anonymous
10/27/2013 00:10
Subject: Re:friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Wife of cancer survivor. My DH would have been mortified if people had thrown him a party a year after remission...let alone five more times. Yikes. Once he was done with treatment, he moved on. He and I privately acknowledge it every year between the two of us. Our kids bring it up occasionally. That's about it.
Move on. Your friends are getting annoyed, and maybe DH is too. They have stood by you during the crisis. You are no longer in crisis. Stop going back to that.
My two cents.
Move on. Your friends are getting annoyed, and maybe DH is too. They have stood by you during the crisis. You are no longer in crisis. Stop going back to that.
My two cents.
Anonymous
10/27/2013 00:00
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Anonymous wrote:Ok, folks. Let's end this thread. It's turning into the one thing I didn't: about the friends and how I feel about them.
its not about them or me. Its about how I should approach my husband. Throw him a party myself? Yes, I have thought of that. Let me see invite those friends.....who.....cant.....go..... See my point? Its not about me, its about how I can deal with my DH.
For the THIRD time now, I am telling you what to do: BLOW HIM! For Christ's sake, woman! You want everyone to throw him a party, so do I need to spell out for you that you should hire someone to blow him since clearly you won't do it yourself? Hopefully you married an actual adult rather than a six year old, so he is mature enough to understand that people are busy. He should be satisfied that you are (hopefully) willing to, AS I TOLD YOU TWICE BEFORE, go intimate, with a fancy dinner for just the two of you. Jesus.
Anonymous
10/26/2013 23:53
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
OP, I and several others have given you suggestions about how to celebrate with your husband. People have also given feedback with a different perspective on the expectation of an annual party, and that feedback is part of what can help you shape your approach to your husband and his feelings. (You haven't actually described what his feelings are about not getting a party; you've only described your own feelings.). People seem to be saying that your husband should not keep expecting a party, that one sign of his recovery is that it's not a novelty anymore to others and he has rejoined the ranks of the non-cancer-people, that it would be wise not to take it personally that people aren't throwing him the party, etc. If you read back through the posts there are lots of comments that are things you could talk about with your husband.
So you've gotten ideas for alternate ways to celebrate and you've gotten feedback that can form and shape your approach to your husband. Not sure what else you're looking for?
So you've gotten ideas for alternate ways to celebrate and you've gotten feedback that can form and shape your approach to your husband. Not sure what else you're looking for?
Anonymous
10/26/2013 23:18
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Ok, folks. Let's end this thread. It's turning into the one thing I didn't: about the friends and how I feel about them.
its not about them or me. Its about how I should approach my husband. Throw him a party myself? Yes, I have thought of that. Let me see invite those friends.....who.....cant.....go..... See my point? Its not about me, its about how I can deal with my DH.
its not about them or me. Its about how I should approach my husband. Throw him a party myself? Yes, I have thought of that. Let me see invite those friends.....who.....cant.....go..... See my point? Its not about me, its about how I can deal with my DH.
Anonymous
10/26/2013 12:23
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
+1. And, OP, perhaps you can read him the previous post, from someone who is not yet cancer free, and remind him (and yourself) that the six years is the important thing, not the party. FFS.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Cancer patient here. I have no idea if this is a real post, but I will say, OP, if you are using cancer to troll here, that's pretty low.
However, I'm not sure you're trolling so here's what I think.
If my friends threw a party for my first year cancer free, I would be grateful and appreciative of their effort. I am an adult. I don't expect parties for my milestones. If my friends did that, it would be an incredibly unselfish and kind. ( I'm not yet cancer free, so I have no idea whether my friends would do such a kind thing.) after the first year, though, it's kind of odd, maybe a little over the top generous. At five years, it would seem very weird to expect friends and families to prioritize this milestone. Every survivor I know wants only to move on and look forward, not continue to focus on the day of remission.
The other thing that baffles me is your focus, OP, on judging people who have always been so supportive of you as to go the extremes of throwing your DH a party every year. One of the greatest things cancer has taught me is to be merciful to other people. People get busy, people have challenges, and yes, people can be selfish. Who cares? Everyone is doing the best they can.
If your DH is really all broken up about not having a party for his 6th anniversary, then the way you console him is to throw him one. But don't blame your friends and family. It is incredibly unusual, and surprising, to hear he expects a big party in perpetuity.
Great advice PP. Good luck on your recovery
Anonymous
10/26/2013 12:11
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Anonymous wrote:Cancer patient here. I have no idea if this is a real post, but I will say, OP, if you are using cancer to troll here, that's pretty low.
However, I'm not sure you're trolling so here's what I think.
If my friends threw a party for my first year cancer free, I would be grateful and appreciative of their effort. I am an adult. I don't expect parties for my milestones. If my friends did that, it would be an incredibly unselfish and kind. ( I'm not yet cancer free, so I have no idea whether my friends would do such a kind thing.) after the first year, though, it's kind of odd, maybe a little over the top generous. At five years, it would seem very weird to expect friends and families to prioritize this milestone. Every survivor I know wants only to move on and look forward, not continue to focus on the day of remission.
The other thing that baffles me is your focus, OP, on judging people who have always been so supportive of you as to go the extremes of throwing your DH a party every year. One of the greatest things cancer has taught me is to be merciful to other people. People get busy, people have challenges, and yes, people can be selfish. Who cares? Everyone is doing the best they can.
If your DH is really all broken up about not having a party for his 6th anniversary, then the way you console him is to throw him one. But don't blame your friends and family. It is incredibly unusual, and surprising, to hear he expects a big party in perpetuity.
Great advice PP. Good luck on your recovery
Anonymous
10/26/2013 12:10
Subject: friends & family in absentia: the aftermath
Cancer patient here. I have no idea if this is a real post, but I will say, OP, if you are using cancer to troll here, that's pretty low.
However, I'm not sure you're trolling so here's what I think.
If my friends threw a party for my first year cancer free, I would be grateful and appreciative of their effort. I am an adult. I don't expect parties for my milestones. If my friends did that, it would be an incredibly unselfish and kind. ( I'm not yet cancer free, so I have no idea whether my friends would do such a kind thing.) after the first year, though, it's kind of odd, maybe a little over the top generous. At five years, it would seem very weird to expect friends and families to prioritize this milestone. Every survivor I know wants only to move on and look forward, not continue to focus on the day of remission.
The other thing that baffles me is your focus, OP, on judging people who have always been so supportive of you as to go the extremes of throwing your DH a party every year. One of the greatest things cancer has taught me is to be merciful to other people. People get busy, people have challenges, and yes, people can be selfish. Who cares? Everyone is doing the best they can.
If your DH is really all broken up about not having a party for his 6th anniversary, then the way you console him is to throw him one. But don't blame your friends and family. It is incredibly unusual, and surprising, to hear he expects a big party in perpetuity.
However, I'm not sure you're trolling so here's what I think.
If my friends threw a party for my first year cancer free, I would be grateful and appreciative of their effort. I am an adult. I don't expect parties for my milestones. If my friends did that, it would be an incredibly unselfish and kind. ( I'm not yet cancer free, so I have no idea whether my friends would do such a kind thing.) after the first year, though, it's kind of odd, maybe a little over the top generous. At five years, it would seem very weird to expect friends and families to prioritize this milestone. Every survivor I know wants only to move on and look forward, not continue to focus on the day of remission.
The other thing that baffles me is your focus, OP, on judging people who have always been so supportive of you as to go the extremes of throwing your DH a party every year. One of the greatest things cancer has taught me is to be merciful to other people. People get busy, people have challenges, and yes, people can be selfish. Who cares? Everyone is doing the best they can.
If your DH is really all broken up about not having a party for his 6th anniversary, then the way you console him is to throw him one. But don't blame your friends and family. It is incredibly unusual, and surprising, to hear he expects a big party in perpetuity.