Without sex, marriage is just a legally complicated friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As part of a couple on 3rd year of no sex, it might seem that the person who said no is in control. But actually, if DH would just make a concerted effort, tell me why he loves me, notice what is great about me, provide no-obligation caresses and gratuitous affection, I would probably just melt; I'm pretty sure he could get whatever he wants. He's not willing to work for it so that's why it doesn't happen. So he controls.

Let me guess. When he does give you caresses and affection, you accuse him of just wanting sex. Go fuck yourself.

It's me. Nope, doesn't happen. I know he doesn't just want sex else why's he still here? So no, I wouldn't say that. But he doesn't even try. As I said, he's in charge: I don't need it; if he does he'll have to make the effort.

This is not right.

Have you told him he needs to work harder and explain what that means to you?

Tit for tat ignoring needs is a recipe for divorce.

My DH's idea of affection is squeezing my boobs or telling me how horny he is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As part of a couple on 3rd year of no sex, it might seem that the person who said no is in control. But actually, if DH would just make a concerted effort, tell me why he loves me, notice what is great about me, provide no-obligation caresses and gratuitous affection, I would probably just melt; I'm pretty sure he could get whatever he wants. He's not willing to work for it so that's why it doesn't happen. So he controls.

Let me guess. When he does give you caresses and affection, you accuse him of just wanting sex. Go fuck yourself.

It's me. Nope, doesn't happen. I know he doesn't just want sex else why's he still here? So no, I wouldn't say that. But he doesn't even try. As I said, he's in charge: I don't need it; if he does he'll have to make the effort.

Anonymous wrote:Who should control the frequency of a married couple's sex life?

1) The husband.
2) The wife
3) The one who wants sex most
4) The one who wants sex least
5) Other?

The Master of course

It just happens.....

"You just want sex" is such a cliche. It means I decline to notice when you touch me in a nonsexual way or do nice things for me independently of sex but only notice these things in a negative way when associated with sex.

Anonymous wrote:As part of a couple on 3rd year of no sex, it might seem that the person who said no is in control. But actually, if DH would just make a concerted effort, tell me why he loves me, notice what is great about me, provide no-obligation caresses and gratuitous affection, I would probably just melt; I'm pretty sure he could get whatever he wants. He's not willing to work for it so that's why it doesn't happen. So he controls.

Let me guess. When he does give you caresses and affection, you accuse him of just wanting sex. Go fuck yourself.

Anonymous wrote:The PP who wants her husband to work for it may find he's getting it somewhere else. Frankly I don't understand why more spouses who don't want to have sex don't simply let their partner get it somewhere else.

It then becomes a loss of control ... a realization that the spouse has other options than being an unpaid workhorse.

The PP who wants her husband to work for it may find he's getting it somewhere else. Frankly I don't understand why more spouses who don't want to have sex don't simply let their partner get it somewhere else.

Anonymous wrote:As part of a couple on 3rd year of no sex, it might seem that the person who said no is in control. But actually, if DH would just make a concerted effort, tell me why he loves me, notice what is great about me, provide no-obligation caresses and gratuitous affection, I would probably just melt; I'm pretty sure he could get whatever he wants. He's not willing to work for it so that's why it doesn't happen. So he controls.

You've rejected him for three years. There is nothing for him to work for, setting yourself up for ongoing rejection is incredibly painful. You are 100% in control. Interesting that what you expect of him you don't expect of yourself.

Anonymous wrote:The kids.

This

I agree with most of the posters. No one should control it. Do I feel like having sex each and every time my husband wants to? No. But I rarely say no. If I'm not in the mood I let him know that he needs to go slow and get me in the mood. It works for me and keeps our marriage happy and healthy.
If one spouse has a substantially different sex drive, the couple needs to talk about it and figure out a solution that is mutually agreed upon.

Anonymous wrote:Is not an issue to be controlled.

+100

As part of a couple on 3rd year of no sex, it might seem that the person who said no is in control. But actually, if DH would just make a concerted effort, tell me why he loves me, notice what is great about me, provide no-obligation caresses and gratuitous affection, I would probably just melt; I'm pretty sure he could get whatever he wants. He's not willing to work for it so that's why it doesn't happen. So he controls.

No, actually you're controlling access to sex. He may not be living up to standards, disappointing you in all other ways, but your reaction is to control sex in order to try to "get him to work for it."

how's that working out anyway? seems like both of you are unhappy. Maybe he thinks "why should I tell my wife how fabulous and beautiful and sexy she is, only to be denied affection and sex? why should I try to kiss and caress her when she shoots me down in the bedroom?"

Why don't you try having sex with him, telling him he's great, all the things that you love about him--and see if he responds in kind? WIthholding intimacy to get intimacy never works. Be the bigger person here and take the first step. (its worked for us) .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say it is a team effort so BOTH parties should have a say in things pertaining to the bedroom.

And when it's not a team effort ...

Yup, the notion that both parties should have a say is nice, but if one party doesn't want sex, that's the final say. Assuming "don't rape your spouse" of course.