Anonymous
10/04/2013 15:30
Subject: Husband swearing at children
OP I haven't read through all the comments, but I hope you get to mine. My dad was verbally abusive to us, my mom, the neighborhood kids. He had a derogatory label for all of us. My mom left him.
And, that really fixed him. He settled way down, and I wonder if my mom provoked him (not intentionally, but I suspect that he felt that he wasn't good enough for her). It took us all years to forgive him, but it was much easier to be around him after my parents divorced. He even started going to church, and my mom had begged him to go with her for years.
I don't know if leaving him is right for you, but don't assume that he'll act the same way if you do.
And, that really fixed him. He settled way down, and I wonder if my mom provoked him (not intentionally, but I suspect that he felt that he wasn't good enough for her). It took us all years to forgive him, but it was much easier to be around him after my parents divorced. He even started going to church, and my mom had begged him to go with her for years.
I don't know if leaving him is right for you, but don't assume that he'll act the same way if you do.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 14:58
Subject: Husband swearing at children
I grew up with a father like this. I had fantasies about the house burning down and killing him so we wouldn't have to deal anymore.
I also had a lot of anger toward my mother for not protecting us better from him. She would have said exactly what you are saying (and it was the 1970s in the South, so her job/custody prospects wouldn't have been as good as yours). As an adult with kids now, I can't believe she let us live like that all those years. I'm less angry, but I don't have a close relationship with either parent. It was all my father's "fault," but my mom's decision that material goods were more important than emotional stability ruined that relationship, too.
I also had a lot of anger toward my mother for not protecting us better from him. She would have said exactly what you are saying (and it was the 1970s in the South, so her job/custody prospects wouldn't have been as good as yours). As an adult with kids now, I can't believe she let us live like that all those years. I'm less angry, but I don't have a close relationship with either parent. It was all my father's "fault," but my mom's decision that material goods were more important than emotional stability ruined that relationship, too.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 13:01
Subject: Husband swearing at children
Anonymous wrote:Abusers are also extremely manipulative. They keep their control-management techniques in check early on and gradually escalate as the victim becomes more enmeshed. And even the escalation isn't constant. It's cyclical and carefully alternated with affection and care and guilt and all sorts of hooks. It's not like women go on first dates, see bad behavior, and keep coming back for more.
This. To the PP who was blaming the victim: why would you even ask the question, "does she want this for her own kids?" You need to get a clue.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 12:27
Subject: Husband swearing at children
Abusers are also extremely manipulative. They keep their control-management techniques in check early on and gradually escalate as the victim becomes more enmeshed. And even the escalation isn't constant. It's cyclical and carefully alternated with affection and care and guilt and all sorts of hooks. It's not like women go on first dates, see bad behavior, and keep coming back for more.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 12:21
Subject: Husband swearing at children
Anonymous wrote:Im not "blaming the victim"..I am truly curious as to why people date and then marry people who clearly have anger management issues/verbal abuse tendencies? Very very rarely does someone say "omg, this happened out of no where"-- its almost always "he has always had anger issues and yelling a lot and swearing..but now he takes it out on more than just me. Is it bad for my kids?"--
I guess I would like to knwo if the OP grew up in this kind of household so it seems normal to deal with conflict this way? And does she want this for her own kids? If you saw it going into the relationship then you are responsible for subjecting your kids to it.
People are attracted to what they know--usually, what they saw and experienced as children. Yes, it's frustrating to read these kind of posts, but kudos to the OP for being brave enough to want to make a change and break the pattern. Sometimes, it takes witnessing the abuse being turned on a victim's own child to finally recognize the emotional impact of abuse. People who grew up in stable households usually don't seek out relationships with abusive men/women.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 12:14
Subject: Husband swearing at children
See an attorney. Document everything. If you've already gone to therapy, and he's not willing to change his behavior, you need to secretly see an attorney to help you formulate an exit strategy.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 12:08
Subject: Husband swearing at children
Im not "blaming the victim"..I am truly curious as to why people date and then marry people who clearly have anger management issues/verbal abuse tendencies? Very very rarely does someone say "omg, this happened out of no where"-- its almost always "he has always had anger issues and yelling a lot and swearing..but now he takes it out on more than just me. Is it bad for my kids?"--
I guess I would like to knwo if the OP grew up in this kind of household so it seems normal to deal with conflict this way? And does she want this for her own kids? If you saw it going into the relationship then you are responsible for subjecting your kids to it.
I guess I would like to knwo if the OP grew up in this kind of household so it seems normal to deal with conflict this way? And does she want this for her own kids? If you saw it going into the relationship then you are responsible for subjecting your kids to it.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 11:53
Subject: Husband swearing at children
Anonymous wrote:OP its sounds like your husband has always had a nasty temper and hurtful/cruel language. I read these kind of posts in the relationship section all the time. I just don't get why women do this to themselves. Life is short, why do people marry folks with crazy rage issues?? its only going to get worse when you add in the stress off a kid. I don't take divorce lightly but it sounds like you have tried everythng else. You need a nanny cam with sound and to record all his bullshit. You mght not get sole custody but you can get court ordered counseling and anger management for him which could help. He might also need to see what a dick he is. Holy shit, you are setting your kids up for life of abuse, either as abusers or marrying abusers.
Nice. Blame the victim.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 11:50
Subject: Husband swearing at children
Document. save money for a messy divorce. I onow someone who is in this situation with an emotionally and verbally abusive husband and there is No Guarantee that the kids won't spend time with her ex once it is final. And the temporary custody is a default 50:50. It's Hard. You're right to be concerned. Be careful and Document as much as you can. Still there are no guarantees. Best wishes.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 11:48
Subject: Husband swearing at children
OP, agree with the recs to talk with a good family lawyer and begin documenting DH's behavior.
But please, please start individual therapy for yourself. This is going to be a long, complicated situation before you find a new stable life for you and the kids, and you need someone who will help you draw reasonable boundaries, respond to the abuse, and help you come up with strategies to keep you and the kids safe and in as good emotional health as possible. Someone who will help give you strategies about talking to your kids about the situation. Please please.
But please, please start individual therapy for yourself. This is going to be a long, complicated situation before you find a new stable life for you and the kids, and you need someone who will help you draw reasonable boundaries, respond to the abuse, and help you come up with strategies to keep you and the kids safe and in as good emotional health as possible. Someone who will help give you strategies about talking to your kids about the situation. Please please.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 09:41
Subject: Husband swearing at children
OP its sounds like your husband has always had a nasty temper and hurtful/cruel language. I read these kind of posts in the relationship section all the time. I just don't get why women do this to themselves. Life is short, why do people marry folks with crazy rage issues?? its only going to get worse when you add in the stress off a kid. I don't take divorce lightly but it sounds like you have tried everythng else. You need a nanny cam with sound and to record all his bullshit. You mght not get sole custody but you can get court ordered counseling and anger management for him which could help. He might also need to see what a dick he is. Holy shit, you are setting your kids up for life of abuse, either as abusers or marrying abusers.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 09:39
Subject: Re:Husband swearing at children
I was in a similar situation, OP, with the same fears about H getting the kids unsupervised for any length of time. I talked to a divorce lawyer when my boys were 3; she could not (obviously) guarantee that he would not get the kids unsupervised.
I stuck it out, running interference between H and the boys to the best of my ability, including lengthy stays with my parents (live a few miles away), until they were 9. At that age they seemed better able to defend themselves / stand up for themselves. My divorce was finalized last Friday after 2 years. He gets the kids every other weekend. I can live with that, and, more importantly, so can the kids.
No idea if this was the "right" decision. Under the circumstances, it was the best I could do.
I stuck it out, running interference between H and the boys to the best of my ability, including lengthy stays with my parents (live a few miles away), until they were 9. At that age they seemed better able to defend themselves / stand up for themselves. My divorce was finalized last Friday after 2 years. He gets the kids every other weekend. I can live with that, and, more importantly, so can the kids.
No idea if this was the "right" decision. Under the circumstances, it was the best I could do.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 09:37
Subject: Husband swearing at children
No way are you getting sole custody just because your husband has a foul mouth. Talk to an attorney.
Anonymous
10/04/2013 08:40
Subject: Husband swearing at children
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Really? He said to stop being a baby, and you had a long talk? Wow. I don't think this is a big deal and maybe kid was acting like baby.Anonymous wrote:OP, I have no interest in reading all the responses, but here is my response to your first paragraph (I said it out loud):
What the fuck!!!
Yeah, I love to curse. It's great. I have literally NEVER done it around my children (6 and 8). Never once. And if a "shit" or "damn" comes out of someone's mouth around kids, it sure as SHIT better not be directed at my kids (or theirs).
My husband told my younger son to stop being a baby the other day, and it was the first time he'd ever said something like this. We had a long talk. It's never happening again.
You are INSANE to leave your children around someone who demeans and disparages them like this. You're behaving as badly as he is.
I can promise you that if anyone spoke to my children like that, my kids would be out the door. Gone. Done.
Thank you. I mean, we are all on the same page about the OP's situation. But I can't imagine how long of a talk you would have about your husband calling your son a baby. Unclench.
Absolutely no way am I "unclenching." Kid was acting badly, and needed to be talked to. He was certainly acting like a baby, but that's different from being told in a harsh voice "Stop being a baby!" I tell my kids that we don't call names, and DH is held to the same standard. I'm pretty tough on my kids, but calling them names isn't in the playbook. DH totally agreed. If you and your husband want to call your kids names, go for it. Not happening in my house. Fuck that.
Says the woman who called the OP "insane."
Anonymous
10/04/2013 08:34
Subject: Husband swearing at children
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Really? He said to stop being a baby, and you had a long talk? Wow. I don't think this is a big deal and maybe kid was acting like baby.Anonymous wrote:OP, I have no interest in reading all the responses, but here is my response to your first paragraph (I said it out loud):
What the fuck!!!
Yeah, I love to curse. It's great. I have literally NEVER done it around my children (6 and 8). Never once. And if a "shit" or "damn" comes out of someone's mouth around kids, it sure as SHIT better not be directed at my kids (or theirs).
My husband told my younger son to stop being a baby the other day, and it was the first time he'd ever said something like this. We had a long talk. It's never happening again.
You are INSANE to leave your children around someone who demeans and disparages them like this. You're behaving as badly as he is.
I can promise you that if anyone spoke to my children like that, my kids would be out the door. Gone. Done.
Thank you. I mean, we are all on the same page about the OP's situation. But I can't imagine how long of a talk you would have about your husband calling your son a baby. Unclench.
Absolutely no way am I "unclenching." Kid was acting badly, and needed to be talked to. He was certainly acting like a baby, but that's different from being told in a harsh voice "Stop being a baby!" I tell my kids that we don't call names, and DH is held to the same standard. I'm pretty tough on my kids, but calling them names isn't in the playbook. DH totally agreed. If you and your husband want to call your kids names, go for it. Not happening in my house. Fuck that.