Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The short answer I would give him is 1) don't dump her just because she gained weight; 2) tell your friends to quit gossiping about people's weight; and 3) be honest with her if she asks if he has noticed weight gain, but continue to try to turn the conversation toward solutions.

I know teenagers are far from fully formed adults, but these are important lessons to learn before becoming an adult. Resist peer pressure, encourage those around you rather than discouraging them, and don't give your love (and take it back) entirely based on appearances.

I like this answer.

OP, I'm guessing you don't have daughters? You seem to appreciate that this can, hypothetically, be a sensitive issue for girls, but you're far busier providing excuses for your son. This could be a great opportunity to teach boys to grow up to be less "visual" and to distance himself from boys and men who place themselves in the superior position from which they judge girls and women for their appearance.

Do you honestly think you can "teach" boys to be less visual? I am a woman and don't think anyone could teach me from being less visual. I wouldn't be attracted to someone who was overweight and don't see how I could be trained to be otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that he is under no obligation to date someone he doesn't want to date for whatever reason, but he should be very careful around the issue of his girlfriend's weight. If he does decide to break up with her primarily because of her weight, he should come up with a different reason to tell her. This is a situation where honesty would only be hurtful. He should never discuss her weight with his friends, and like the pp suggested, if he hears people talking about her weight he should shut it down and walk away.

I totally agree with this. Your son needs to decide if he wants to be with this girl or doesn't- for whatever reason. Hopefully, he'll look to his own feelings and not be influenced by what everyone else thinks. However, let's be honest, at his age, it's tough not to be influenced by his peers.

Regardless of whether your son wants to date this girl, he owes it to her to be respectful. This means not talking about her weight and trying to discourage others from doing so too.

First, please back off the "serious problem" theory. I gained 20 lbs the summer I was 15--I went away to work at a camp and ate crappy, high-calorie food and desserts from the cafeteria all summer. Then we'd get ice cream as a break from dealing with kids all day. That's all it took.

Neither you nor your son should mention her weight at ALL. If he isn't attracted to her, he just needs to flat-out lie and say he needs a break for <insert any reason but weight here>. Of course he should walk away if anyone else puts her down for her weight.

If you insist on going the honesty route, then he should say that he hopes when he's older he can be more mature about such things, but right now he's a normal, immature, hormone-driven teenage boy who is not interested in fat girls. I'm not kidding. THAT is the truth. Do you really want to go there?

How about the mom teaches her son that if he's not into her any more then he tells her their commitment is over
And she can remain friends. Teach him life skills
Hell have plenty more breakup a and if he isn't a chubby chaser then date a skinny minny and be happy.

Anonymous wrote:The short answer I would give him is 1) don't dump her just because she gained weight; 2) tell your friends to quit gossiping about people's weight; and 3) be honest with her if she asks if he has noticed weight gain, but continue to try to turn the conversation toward solutions.

I know teenagers are far from fully formed adults, but these are important lessons to learn before becoming an adult. Resist peer pressure, encourage those around you rather than discouraging them, and don't give your love (and take it back) entirely based on appearances.

I like this answer.

OP, I'm guessing you don't have daughters? You seem to appreciate that this can, hypothetically, be a sensitive issue for girls, but you're far busier providing excuses for your son. This could be a great opportunity to teach boys to grow up to be less "visual" and to distance himself from boys and men who place themselves in the superior position from which they judge girls and women for their appearance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are close enough to the girl, then could you have a friendly chat with her? I would do this and express concern about other possible health related issues that have caused such a dramatic weight gain. If you know her parents then maybe express your concern with them.

"Son's girlfriend, I noticed that you got fat over the summer. Would you like to talk to me about it.?"

Please don't do this.

If she starts now, she can be the MIL from Hell by the time her oldest is out of college!

The short answer I would give him is 1) don't dump her just because she gained weight; 2) tell your friends to quit gossiping about people's weight; and 3) be honest with her if she asks if he has noticed weight gain, but continue to try to turn the conversation toward solutions.

I know teenagers are far from fully formed adults, but these are important lessons to learn before becoming an adult. Resist peer pressure, encourage those around you rather than discouraging them, and don't give your love (and take it back) entirely based on appearances.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the constructive comments posted. A few more bits of info:

Weight gain due to overeating - my son sees it and she admits to it. She started gaining some last year but most came over the summer. Due to their schedules, they only saw each other once since school got out.

They have known each other and been friends for 5 years. First real relationship for both. It is typical HS dating - officially together, casual, yet independent.

I couldn't care a lick about how much she weighs. I only care about helping a son who has come to me for advice and about avoiding a lingering body issue for her as she gets older.

In a perfect world, this is a learning experience and positive growth experience for both - and a situation where they either continue their relationship or preserve the friendship.

A 15 year old [male or female] who sees someone ONCE over summer break IS NOT in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Unless they were out of town. Is this poster for real?
If so, she sounds like a friend and they sometimes "dated" or went as dates to events like dances and homecoming. Or she was his hook-up buddy. 20 pounds in a few months can be a huge weight gain if she is less than 5'5". If she is tall [ie 5'10"]and was working out for softball, field hockey etc it is not a huge weight gain.

20lb over a summer is not necessarily a red flag for a serious health disorder. Ever hear of the freshman 15? A couple extra slices of pizza or bowls of ice cream a day will do it. Teenagers don't always know how extra calories make an impact.

Anonymous wrote:If you are close enough to the girl, then could you have a friendly chat with her? I would do this and express concern about other possible health related issues that have caused such a dramatic weight gain. If you know her parents then maybe express your concern with them.

If this truly is from only overeating and no other underlying issues, then she would still need to seek medical help in more of a therapy related way. Are there stresses at home that are causing her to seek comfort in food? Any bullying problems? Abuse?

Gaining some weight from eating without abandon is one thing, but 20+ in a few months (with the exception of any new medications that can cause weight gain) is a huge red flag of either a physical condition or a mental condition.

"Son's girlfriend, I noticed that you got fat over the summer. Would you like to talk to me about it.?"

Please don't do this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son should be worried about school, and not the body of some young lady that he holds no claim to. Is he ready to marry this young lady? No he needs to finish school, get a job, and then worry about who makes his loins tingle.

How dare you encourage your children to use and damage others. She is someones future wife and he is someones future husband.

lmao, where are you from?

A place with superior people.

I dealt with this issue with my boyfriend during high school. I gained a lot of weight over the summer because I was mostly inactive and home eating much of the day, as well as dealing with the stress of being home more.

It definitely affected my boyfriend's attraction to me, but he was really supportive and quite mature for his age. He'd struggled with his weight a bit when he was younger and mentioned his experiences to bring up the topic. He very gently offered some tips that had helped him eat healthier (he knew a lot more about this than me at the time so it was actually helpful) and volunteered to go on walks with me. He also modeled good eating habits, such as ordering a salad when we went out to dinner and skipping candy a the movie theater. He didn't make it a huge issue and didn't continue to bring it up. I ended up losing most of the weight when I got back to school and into my usual routine.

My advice for your son - don't be afraid to talk about it with her but be gentle and don't push it if she seems embarrassed. If he brings up the subject, he should do it in the context of his own or his family's eating habits and let her mention her own issues if she wants to talk about them.

If you are close enough to the girl, then could you have a friendly chat with her? I would do this and express concern about other possible health related issues that have caused such a dramatic weight gain. If you know her parents then maybe express your concern with them.

If this truly is from only overeating and no other underlying issues, then she would still need to seek medical help in more of a therapy related way. Are there stresses at home that are causing her to seek comfort in food? Any bullying problems? Abuse?

Gaining some weight from eating without abandon is one thing, but 20+ in a few months (with the exception of any new medications that can cause weight gain) is a huge red flag of either a physical condition or a mental condition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put it to him this way -- if he breaks up with her and then she happens to lose all the weight in a few months, will he regret breaking up with her? Will he miss her?

Like a previous PP said, they will probably breakup in a few months regardless.

However losing 20lb in a few months is not that hard in her age- if eating is the real problem as OP indicated. I lost 23lb in 4 months on Atkins/Weight Watcher, and I am in my 40s.

Anyway, if it was my son, I would just ask him to treat her like a friend, instead of owning her like a "girl friend". What would he do for her if she was one of his buddies? I bet he would not sever the friendship when other kids are making fun of her.

Anonymous wrote:Put it to him this way -- if he breaks up with her and then she happens to lose all the weight in a few months, will he regret breaking up with her? Will he miss her?

Like a previous PP said, they will probably breakup in a few months regardless.

However losing 20lb in a few months is not that hard in her age- if eating is the real problem as OP indicated. I lost 23lb in 4 months on Atkins/Weight Watcher, and I am in my 40s.