OP again: @14"05 and pp she quoted: My relationship with my mom has always been filled with lots of drama. I understand what you're saying and believe me I've considered changing it to the family name just to end the drama. But, I think the damage is already done and also my DH told his parents the name after I told mine and they really like it.

At this point, I'm considering just changing it to something completely different. I talked to my mom today and she basically said this has caused a rift and there's pretty much there is nothing I can do, because even if I change it to the family name, she'll always remember that I considered not using it.

I hope her feelings will fade with time because I think her reaction is disproportionate to the situation.

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your mother generally difficult to deal with and controlling? If she is then you should hold your ground.

If this is untypical of how she usually deals with you and others, then I'd say that you should go along with her wishes or at least include her preference as another middle name.

I will get flamed for suggesting this but within the scheme of things, relationships are way more important than something as innocuous as a middle name which hardly anyone uses and becomes a factor only when one fills forms, etc.

I don't know if your mother's threats are just venting but if you have a good relationship with your mother, why jeopardize it for some relatively insignificant reason. Those advising you to stick to your guns on this issue are not the ones who have to live with the consequences.

JMHO

+1

This

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your advice! I think I'm going to not feed the crazy. I'll give her a few minutes to vent and then just tell her that the decision is made and she can choose to accept it and not bother me about it anymore or she can continue to behave like a five year old and I'll act accordingly and limit her time w/ DC.

@21:45 - that website is scarily accurate regarding several things. She has many traits of the engulfing mother and "gaslighting." She definitely does this! She chooses to remember things in a way that suits her and tells me (and my dad, and anyone else) that they're just not remembering things right. It worked on me until I was a teenager and that I started trusting myself more. I didn't know that it had an actual name.

Good for you, OP. You're an example to us all!

OP here. Thank you all for your advice! I think I'm going to not feed the crazy. I'll give her a few minutes to vent and then just tell her that the decision is made and she can choose to accept it and not bother me about it anymore or she can continue to behave like a five year old and I'll act accordingly and limit her time w/ DC.

@21:45 - that website is scarily accurate regarding several things. She has many traits of the engulfing mother and "gaslighting." She definitely does this! She chooses to remember things in a way that suits her and tells me (and my dad, and anyone else) that they're just not remembering things right. It worked on me until I was a teenager and that I started trusting myself more. I didn't know that it had an actual name.

PP, BS. Her child, her choice of name.

Relationship my a&&. My MIL *DEPENDS* on the "relationship" card. No way is she going to manipulate anyone with her BS. Least of all, me. She can stick her relationship card up her a&&.

OP, is your mother generally difficult to deal with and controlling? If she is then you should hold your ground.

If this is untypical of how she usually deals with you and others, then I'd say that you should go along with her wishes or at least include her preference as another middle name.

I will get flamed for suggesting this but within the scheme of things, relationships are way more important than something as innocuous as a middle name which hardly anyone uses and becomes a factor only when one fills forms, etc.

I don't know if your mother's threats are just venting but if you have a good relationship with your mother, why jeopardize it for some relatively insignificant reason. Those advising you to stick to your guns on this issue are not the ones who have to live with the consequences.

JMHO

Meh. Your mom is out of line. IT IS NOT HER CHILD. Does she realize this? She sounds pathological.

I never understood anyone who thinks they can dictate (though not pay entirely for) a wedding day, never mind a child's name, or anything else.

Tell her to act like the mother and MYOB.

This is horrible. She sounds like she is extremely controlling and is doing this to try to get you to cave. I guess if I were you I would just quietly tell her why you made the decision you did and leave it at that. You know your mother better than we do but I assume she will get over it once the baby is born. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've heard of in-laws being way too involved in name selection but this is ridiculous.

OP, why are you even talking to her, given the way she's dissing your husband? Someone who would treat DH like this would not be part of my life. Especially over such a stupid non-issue.

This sounds like you OP:

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

OP, just want to say I'm so sorry that you were raised by this woman. You sound lovely and I hope you've been able to move past her toxic venom. If you haven't already been in extensive therapy, I'd suggest you get a couple of sessions in before the baby comes. They might be able to give you tools to deal with this kind of dysfunction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should listen when people with experience tell you something. It is hard to be mad at a baby that is here and named. It is easier to hate a name when the baby hasn't been born and there is a chance that you can change your mind.

You new moms need to learn how to calm down.

Excellent advice
We didn't say *()* about our name choices when we were expecting

It is NOT the OP's fault that her mom is acting batshit crazy. Christ. Let's put the criticism where it belongs. You know, on the CRAZY PERSON.

Anonymous wrote:Don't engage her, she is going to be a fucking nightmare when the baby is born. Set your boundaries now, and kudos for defending your husband.

Yep, cut the b**** off anytime she starts up with any negativity. Sorry, I know she's your mom, but if you give in now you're screwed. Don't encourage/enable her to throw a tantrum every time she doesn't get her way. Best of luck to you and I wish you had a better mom!

Please don't let your mom bully and manipulate you. She'll get over it" good luck, OP!

Don't engage her, she is going to be a fucking nightmare when the baby is born. Set your boundaries now, and kudos for defending your husband.