Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I actually don't see anything THAT wrong with what OP did. It wasn't graceful, but to me MIL sounds like a jealous teenager throwing a hissy fit. She didn't do the work, but she wants a lot of credit.

OP, you meant well, but it misfired. Just apologize for her hurt feelings and let it go. The only way this is going to get better is if you just let it go and she lets it go.

Um, no. You are almost as clueless as OP. The MIL wasn't throwing a hissy fit because she didn't do any work and wants credit. She was upset because OP singled out some family members who helped them, thereby setting up a two-tier system of the "good relatives" vs the "bad relatives" and designated who was which in an inappropriate forum sent out to all family members. There was no reason to do this other than to set a standard by which the good relatives are determined by how much time and money they lavish on the spoiled entitled family and letting the bad relatives know that this birthday was their chance to up the ante and move from bad relative to good relative. Pretty crass and boorish. Why not just issue a cover charge for the birthday invitation and say that anyone that cannot pay will not be invited over again without gratuitous insults. This is essentially what she's done, but she's tried to be covert and blame the MIL for exposing her as a gold-digger.

You have been raised in the "everybody gets a trophy" period. She thanked the people that helped her. That isn't setting up a tier system. It's thanking the people who were helpful. If you weren't helping, you don't get credit or thanks. You didn't earn it. The timing and place was weird, but her thanks was not. If MIL perceives herself as "singled out," and was embarrassed, maybe she should help out more in the future.

Thanking MIL for help that she didn't give would be 1) false and 2) butt-kissing. MIL sounds like a holy terror. I'd apologize to keep the peace and then avoid the bish as much as possible.

But why thank people on a birthday party invite? She could send individual thank you cards to the people who were so generous. She is playing innocent now because she was called out. Notes in invitations, if any, are usually party related, not a message to particular invited guests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I actually don't see anything THAT wrong with what OP did. It wasn't graceful, but to me MIL sounds like a jealous teenager throwing a hissy fit. She didn't do the work, but she wants a lot of credit.

OP, you meant well, but it misfired. Just apologize for her hurt feelings and let it go. The only way this is going to get better is if you just let it go and she lets it go.

Um, no. You are almost as clueless as OP. The MIL wasn't throwing a hissy fit because she didn't do any work and wants credit. She was upset because OP singled out some family members who helped them, thereby setting up a two-tier system of the "good relatives" vs the "bad relatives" and designated who was which in an inappropriate forum sent out to all family members. There was no reason to do this other than to set a standard by which the good relatives are determined by how much time and money they lavish on the spoiled entitled family and letting the bad relatives know that this birthday was their chance to up the ante and move from bad relative to good relative. Pretty crass and boorish. Why not just issue a cover charge for the birthday invitation and say that anyone that cannot pay will not be invited over again without gratuitous insults. This is essentially what she's done, but she's tried to be covert and blame the MIL for exposing her as a gold-digger.

You have been raised in the "everybody gets a trophy" period. She thanked the people that helped her. That isn't setting up a tier system. It's thanking the people who were helpful. If you weren't helping, you don't get credit or thanks. You didn't earn it. The timing and place was weird, but her thanks was not. If MIL perceives herself as "singled out," and was embarrassed, maybe she should help out more in the future.

Thanking MIL for help that she didn't give would be 1) false and 2) butt-kissing. MIL sounds like a holy terror. I'd apologize to keep the peace and then avoid the bish as much as possible.

But why make this public declaration at all? Why not just thank the helpful family members privately? There was no reason to broadcast it.

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is probably not American (who thanks people on a birthday invitation?) so I'm hoping this isn't as bizarre as it sounds.

OP, my parents are divorced, and when I got married, my mother called my father and asked if/how he wanted to contribute to the wedding. His response was that he would contribute nothing. She asked who he wanted to invite, and he said nobody. My mother and stepfather paid for about half of the costs, DH's parents contributed a small amount (their income was much lower) and DH and I paid for the rest. On our invitations, we included my mom and stepdad's names, and DH's parents' names, as they were the ones giving the party and inviting the guests. My father refused to come to our wedding because he was left off the invitation and said it meant we didn't want him there.

I don't think we did anything wrong, but I can see why his feelings were hurt, and looking back, I would have just put his name on it just to be equal. You really have NO idea why your MIL is feeling hurt? That is strange to me. It would have been one thing to thank these relatives publically AT the party, but what you did is just... weird, and insensitive. You need to call MIL yourself and apologize.

Again, this a adult throwing a fit like a jealous teenager. He contributed nothing and invited none of his family. He barely bothered to support the wedding. It takes a lot of gall to then throw a fit over how the invitations were worded.

You are a good person for thinking that you should have just appeased him. He acted like a jerk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I actually don't see anything THAT wrong with what OP did. It wasn't graceful, but to me MIL sounds like a jealous teenager throwing a hissy fit. She didn't do the work, but she wants a lot of credit.

OP, you meant well, but it misfired. Just apologize for her hurt feelings and let it go. The only way this is going to get better is if you just let it go and she lets it go.

Um, no. You are almost as clueless as OP. The MIL wasn't throwing a hissy fit because she didn't do any work and wants credit. She was upset because OP singled out some family members who helped them, thereby setting up a two-tier system of the "good relatives" vs the "bad relatives" and designated who was which in an inappropriate forum sent out to all family members. There was no reason to do this other than to set a standard by which the good relatives are determined by how much time and money they lavish on the spoiled entitled family and letting the bad relatives know that this birthday was their chance to up the ante and move from bad relative to good relative. Pretty crass and boorish. Why not just issue a cover charge for the birthday invitation and say that anyone that cannot pay will not be invited over again without gratuitous insults. This is essentially what she's done, but she's tried to be covert and blame the MIL for exposing her as a gold-digger.

You have been raised in the "everybody gets a trophy" period. She thanked the people that helped her. That isn't setting up a tier system. It's thanking the people who were helpful. If you weren't helping, you don't get credit or thanks. You didn't earn it. The timing and place was weird, but her thanks was not. If MIL perceives herself as "singled out," and was embarrassed, maybe she should help out more in the future.

Thanking MIL for help that she didn't give would be 1) false and 2) butt-kissing. MIL sounds like a holy terror. I'd apologize to keep the peace and then avoid the bish as much as possible.

I think OP is probably not American (who thanks people on a birthday invitation?) so I'm hoping this isn't as bizarre as it sounds.

OP, my parents are divorced, and when I got married, my mother called my father and asked if/how he wanted to contribute to the wedding. His response was that he would contribute nothing. She asked who he wanted to invite, and he said nobody. My mother and stepfather paid for about half of the costs, DH's parents contributed a small amount (their income was much lower) and DH and I paid for the rest. On our invitations, we included my mom and stepdad's names, and DH's parents' names, as they were the ones giving the party and inviting the guests. My father refused to come to our wedding because he was left off the invitation and said it meant we didn't want him there.

I don't think we did anything wrong, but I can see why his feelings were hurt, and looking back, I would have just put his name on it just to be equal. You really have NO idea why your MIL is feeling hurt? That is strange to me. It would have been one thing to thank these relatives publically AT the party, but what you did is just... weird, and insensitive. You need to call MIL yourself and apologize.

Anonymous wrote:Oh hi OP. Nice to see you sock puppeting.

Not OP.

I really don't see the big deal. It was clumsy, but well meant. MIL should get over it.

Anonymous wrote:
I actually don't see anything THAT wrong with what OP did. It wasn't graceful, but to me MIL sounds like a jealous teenager throwing a hissy fit. She didn't do the work, but she wants a lot of credit.

OP, you meant well, but it misfired. Just apologize for her hurt feelings and let it go. The only way this is going to get better is if you just let it go and she lets it go.

Um, no. You are almost as clueless as OP. The MIL wasn't throwing a hissy fit because she didn't do any work and wants credit. She was upset because OP singled out some family members who helped them, thereby setting up a two-tier system of the "good relatives" vs the "bad relatives" and designated who was which in an inappropriate forum sent out to all family members. There was no reason to do this other than to set a standard by which the good relatives are determined by how much time and money they lavish on the spoiled entitled family and letting the bad relatives know that this birthday was their chance to up the ante and move from bad relative to good relative. Pretty crass and boorish. Why not just issue a cover charge for the birthday invitation and say that anyone that cannot pay will not be invited over again without gratuitous insults. This is essentially what she's done, but she's tried to be covert and blame the MIL for exposing her as a gold-digger.

OP, and those defending her, if you can't see why what you did was uncool, ask yourself why you decided to call out these family members in a public invitation, rather than writing them private thank you notes.

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you foreign/is English your second language. Your word usage is strange ("profound" is not the word you are looking for) and your social graces are not American. Perhaps people should give you a break because of that.

ehi, not that fast. I am a foreigner, and what OP did would be considered very rude where I come from. Unfortunatley there are also Americans whose social graces are below grade

Poor OP.

Causing a flurry on DCUM. This too shall pass.

Pretty minor gaffe, all in all. Your only faux-pas was that you were not discreet. You need to let your resentments fester in private, dear.

Apologize to your husband for sending out gauche invitations in both your names.
Don't say anything at all to your MIL: after all, if she didn't do anything to help, why on earth would you thank her, just so that she wouldn't feel left out? Ridiculous. She totally deserved it.

I'm kinda shocked that OP didn't include the exact amount of money various family members have contributed over the years. Perhaps in bar chart form? In-kind donations should be calculated accordingly.

For the second child's second birthday invitation, no doubt.

I just cannot get past the idea of THANKING people on a child's birthday invitation. That is so bizarre. But excluding ONE set of family members? Rude, mean and unnecessary (unless they are child molesters or drug addicts or felons in any way). It doesn't matter if they don't fawn over your kids the way your other in laws do - unless they are unequivocally bad people, you owe them COMMON COURTESY.

Child's birthday invitation should include: date, time, location. The end.

If you want to thank your family, USE THE TELEPHONE.

I can well believe you are the youngest of five children. You sound like you are very used to having people wait on you hand and foot, and every little thing is a huge drama for you. A very tough year???? Hahahahahaha - no.

OP you seem to measure a person's worth by what the can give you monetarily or in-kind services. Shall and narcissistic.

Oh hi OP. Nice to see you sock puppeting.