I asked my husband this- if he made enough money to support our family, would he care/mind if I stayed at home? He said no, he would prefer someone stay at home (either him or me, but in this scenario, it would be me). He said he wouldn't feel the pressure of being the sole income and that a SAH parent would also be doing a huge job by shuttling the kids around, mowing, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. Unfortunately, it's a hypothetical situation b/c we can't afford to live on one income (and trust me, we're not living large as it is).

Anonymous wrote:I envy SAHMs, esp. ones with kids in school. My house is a mess. My yard is full of weeds. I'm tired as hell all the time. I don't make enough to outsource all the jobs I hate/am too tired to do. My job is super stressful -- to the point where I'm up at night worrying about 50 things.

So, OP, am with you 100 percent. I hate working now that I'm a mom.

The grass is always greener. I am a longish term sahm and becoming a sahp, did not magically turn me into a great housekeeper or a great gardener. IME, the lawn and house stay about the same regardless of the work status of the parents. If you are a neatnic, then your house will be neat. If you are not, then your house will not.

Anonymous wrote:I HATE working now that I have a baby, too. I DREAD deadlines, presentations, conferences, etc that I used to find challenging. (I am also a little burnt out of my profession but that is another story.) But there was a thread recently that asked SAHMs if they were "bored" at home. I wanted to ask, but did not know how to articulate, if rather than boredom, they ever experienced this same feeling of DREAD to each day that I get while working. Somehow I doubt it, but maybe it depends on the person/situation, I don't know.

That feeling of dread -- how did I/will I fuck up this time? -- is why I quit my job. My anxiety and dread about the parts of my job that I had previously found exhilirating were keeping me up at night and keeping me from enjoying my kids. I quit, stayed home full time for 2 years, and for the past year have been working very part time (approx 10 hours a week -- obviously for the experience, not the money). Everyone is much happier.

I HATE working now that I have a baby, too. I DREAD deadlines, presentations, conferences, etc that I used to find challenging. (I am also a little burnt out of my profession but that is another story.) But there was a thread recently that asked SAHMs if they were "bored" at home. I wanted to ask, but did not know how to articulate, if rather than boredom, they ever experienced this same feeling of DREAD to each day that I get while working. Somehow I doubt it, but maybe it depends on the person/situation, I don't know.

Anonymous wrote:OP - why don't you try to find a different part-time job or try to make it work so that you can stay home?

I work part-time from home. I have three kids. All my friends who work full-time are exhausted. Many of them gave up working full-time after the 2nd or 3rd child. IT was just not worth it in terms of the hassle, the costs of daycare, the cost of work clothes, etc etc.

Really, if you want to stay home, unless you are a single parent or your spouse in unemployed, I bet you could make it work to live on one salary. This prob. means a lesser standard of living, but not being stressed is worth it.

I hate when people say, "Why don't you just find another job?" like it is that easy. It is VERY difficult to find meaningful part time work that actually pays enough to offset daycare.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else work because it's what their DH wants? I like my job - it is really cool, but long hours, and the type of work is such that I have a hard time imagining how my skills could translate into something lower stress or part time.

I would, however, downsize our lifestyle or move to the sticks to stay home, but DH isn't willing. (He also fears I would be miserable if I quit working).

I kinda wish he had some of that machismo "I can provide for my family" attitude that some of my SAH friends' husbands have, but that's not who he is. He likes our life and thinks working (out of the home) is just what adults should all
do.

I am so lucky that I am married to someone who doesn't care if I work or not. If I had stayed in DC, I doubt this would be the case. It seems like everyone in DC is a two-couple professional family. I am a professional and I worked for a lot of years before I had children, but I do feel lucky that I married someone who feels like it is his responsibility to support his family. It is nice. I do work part-time but I am so glad I am not being pressured to work full-time unless I want to do so. Also, we don't have a lot of expenses. We bought a house we knew we could pay for with his salary alone. We don't take many vacations. We don't have expensive cars or babysitter expenses or private school tuition. I am a feminisit but I do think that men shoud be able to support a family if they have one. Honestly, it is very hard when both parents work full time. It is a lot of logistics and stress and very little free time.

I don't want to derail this thread, but that bolded part stood out to me. Being a feminist means supporting women's choices to work outside the home, stay home, etc., but I don't know if most feminists would agree that men alone should be able to support a family if they have one. That sounds sexist to me (and I didn't think the earlier post about how workplaces should support women was sexist).

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else work because it's what their DH wants? I like my job - it is really cool, but long hours, and the type of work is such that I have a hard time imagining how my skills could translate into something lower stress or part time.

I would, however, downsize our lifestyle or move to the sticks to stay home, but DH isn't willing. (He also fears I would be miserable if I quit working).

I kinda wish he had some of that machismo "I can provide for my family" attitude that some of my SAH friends' husbands have, but that's not who he is. He likes our life and thinks working (out of the home) is just what adults should all
do.

I am so lucky that I am married to someone who doesn't care if I work or not. If I had stayed in DC, I doubt this would be the case. It seems like everyone in DC is a two-couple professional family. I am a professional and I worked for a lot of years before I had children, but I do feel lucky that I married someone who feels like it is his responsibility to support his family. It is nice. I do work part-time but I am so glad I am not being pressured to work full-time unless I want to do so. Also, we don't have a lot of expenses. We bought a house we knew we could pay for with his salary alone. We don't take many vacations. We don't have expensive cars or babysitter expenses or private school tuition. I am a feminisit but I do think that men shoud be able to support a family if they have one. Honestly, it is very hard when both parents work full time. It is a lot of logistics and stress and very little free time.

Does anyone else work because it's what their DH wants? I like my job - it is really cool, but long hours, and the type of work is such that I have a hard time imagining how my skills could translate into something lower stress or part time.

I would, however, downsize our lifestyle or move to the sticks to stay home, but DH isn't willing. (He also fears I would be miserable if I quit working).

I kinda wish he had some of that machismo "I can provide for my family" attitude that some of my SAH friends' husbands have, but that's not who he is. He likes our life and thinks working (out of the home) is just what adults should all
do.

Anonymous wrote:NP here - I feel for you OP. How high is the cost of living in DC? From what I am reading it sounds crazy, like for example what is the average mortgage/house price? or average property tax? My DH makes only about $45,000 a year and I stay at home now since the birth of my DC 2 years ago. Our house was $200,000.

Is there any way you can leave the area? Of course that sounds way easier than done, but if the alternative is being miserable, maybe its worth it?

45K with a family of four might get you darn close to qualifying for assistance. For $200k, I have no idea what that buys you anymore. Certainly not a SFH in a good school district.

Anonymous wrote:I don't hate it, but I totally get you. I am really envious of all my SAHM friends. I do like my job, though, and I like that I get home at night and can talk to my husband about work stuff, not just kid stuff. He likes it, too.

I would love to work 9-2:30, four days a week. That would be ideal.

This is my goal once the kids get into elementary school. Working my behind off now paying debt and saving with this as the goal. I hope I can do it!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't hate it, but I totally get you. I am really envious of all my SAHM friends. I do like my job, though, and I like that I get home at night and can talk to my husband about work stuff, not just kid stuff. He likes it, too.

I would love to work 9-2:30, four days a week. That would be ideal.

+1. I absolutely covet a schedule like that!

I WAH. End at 3:30 each day and do elementary school pick up at 3:45. It is perfect.

NP here - I feel for you OP. How high is the cost of living in DC? From what I am reading it sounds crazy, like for example what is the average mortgage/house price? or average property tax? My DH makes only about $45,000 a year and I stay at home now since the birth of my DC 2 years ago. Our house was $200,000.

Is there any way you can leave the area? Of course that sounds way easier than done, but if the alternative is being miserable, maybe its worth it?

I envy SAHMs, esp. ones with kids in school. My house is a mess. My yard is full of weeds. I'm tired as hell all the time. I don't make enough to outsource all the jobs I hate/am too tired to do. My job is super stressful -- to the point where I'm up at night worrying about 50 things.

So, OP, am with you 100 percent. I hate working now that I'm a mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aw, OP. I could have written your post word for word.

Yes, there's all the "well you're a great example to your kids/you have two sources of income/you are challenged by being around other adults/life as a SAHM isn't perfect either/etc.." platitudes, all of which have some truth. But, reality is, if I knew our family was financially secure long-term without my income I'd be at home with my child in a heartbeat.

Know that you aren't alone, if we worked in the same office I'd come give you a hug right now!

Exactly.

I would also like a crystal ball to know I would never need to re-enter the workforce. But, yes. This.

Anonymous wrote:Aw, OP. I could have written your post word for word.

Yes, there's all the "well you're a great example to your kids/you have two sources of income/you are challenged by being around other adults/life as a SAHM isn't perfect either/etc.." platitudes, all of which have some truth. But, reality is, if I knew our family was financially secure long-term without my income I'd be at home with my child in a heartbeat.

Know that you aren't alone, if we worked in the same office I'd come give you a hug right now!

Exactly.