Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster with the friend who is ignoring me. She lives in another state and I have known her long enough to know that the more she feels the need to ignore me the more pain she is in. I have had periods where I haven't been a great friend to some people for various reasons and I will always appreciate my true friends who understood and did not push me for more than I could give at the time. I know this friend will come around eventually. It's not like I want to talk to her about pregnancy and baby things anyway when I know it hurts her. There are more than enough other people with children that I can talk to. I do hope that she will be ok enough to come to my shower but if not I will be ok with it.

I do not get why people are bothered when you are not

I'm the poster with the friend who is ignoring me. She lives in another state and I have known her long enough to know that the more she feels the need to ignore me the more pain she is in. I have had periods where I haven't been a great friend to some people for various reasons and I will always appreciate my true friends who understood and did not push me for more than I could give at the time. I know this friend will come around eventually. It's not like I want to talk to her about pregnancy and baby things anyway when I know it hurts her. There are more than enough other people with children that I can talk to. I do hope that she will be ok enough to come to my shower but if not I will be ok with it.

DCUM I am truly amazed. This is the most compassion I have seen about someone struggling with infertility for the 3 1/2 years I have been on here. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are horrible. You know what they are going through and all you care about is yourself. You better learn to be more understanding and less judgmental before you have your child. I told my best friend (I was her maid of honor, etc.) that I was pregnant 4 months ago and haven't heard a word from her since. I know she is struggling with infertility so it hasn't bothered me one bit. I know she will come around when she is ready and I don't need any more attention. Get over yourself. You almost seem like you want to rub it in.

I think the situation you're describing is odd. Sure, your friend is struggling with infertility but she is also your best friend, and to just completely leave your life like that is really harsh. I don't understand these extreme reactions from the person struggling from infertility. Why the need to shut the pregnant person out of their life completely?

Get a grip!
If this poster is not bothered by her friend's reaction why are you?
I have a child, but struggled with multiple pregnancy losses and this was not my reaction...but I do UNDERSTAND how some struggling with infertility can react in this manner...
And if her friend has enough compassion, love, and understanding for her friend who is in a lot of pain...YEA for her...what a wonderful friend...and likely mother...

Why is the compassion, love and understanding a one way street?

Just curious why you think it is incumbent on people who are fertile to walk on eggshells around people who aren't. Do parents of special needs kids get to ignore the milestones of the children of their friends and relatives, say graduation from high school? Aren't all of us grown-ups, and can we not find a balance?

I never said it was a one-way street
I SAID if this woman understood how her friend was behaving...and had compassion for it...why should it bother anyone else?
You may not understand and have those kinds of friendships...where people can give what they may not be getting at that moment...in that season...but some people can see beyond themselves and extend the grace and mercy they may not be getting at the moment...good for for that poster...what's it to you?

You just proved my point exactly. "Where people can give what they may not be getting at that moment...see beyond themselves and extend the grace and mercy they may not be getting..." I actually was not the poster who said it seemed odd that the woman's best friend hadn't spoken to her at all in four months, but I agree with her. It is bizarre, and makes the friendship very one-sided. I have had friends struggle with infertility, and none of them has cut me out completely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not take it personally, and follow their lead (e.g. they need space.) That is my opinion. I struggled w/ infertility as a single woman, so perhaps that is why I am compassionate towards them. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

OP here. I guess I feel that SIL should pretend to be happy for us, and give us a quick call or send an email. That just seems like proper manners. To ignore close kin's pregnancy just seems really odd and ridiculous to me.

Op: as a sister of someone who struggled for years to get pregnant (she was successful finally and my nephew is the most beautiful creature to walk this earth) know that this is ripping her apart and when she looks at you, the bitches on 16 and pregnant, octomom and anyone else caring life inside of them. She is jealous but don't judge her for it. Give her space and when she's ready allow her to meet and spend time with baby...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are horrible. You know what they are going through and all you care about is yourself. You better learn to be more understanding and less judgmental before you have your child. I told my best friend (I was her maid of honor, etc.) that I was pregnant 4 months ago and haven't heard a word from her since. I know she is struggling with infertility so it hasn't bothered me one bit. I know she will come around when she is ready and I don't need any more attention. Get over yourself. You almost seem like you want to rub it in.

I think the situation you're describing is odd. Sure, your friend is struggling with infertility but she is also your best friend, and to just completely leave your life like that is really harsh. I don't understand these extreme reactions from the person struggling from infertility. Why the need to shut the pregnant person out of their life completely?

Get a grip!
If this poster is not bothered by her friend's reaction why are you?
I have a child, but struggled with multiple pregnancy losses and this was not my reaction...but I do UNDERSTAND how some struggling with infertility can react in this manner...
And if her friend has enough compassion, love, and understanding for her friend who is in a lot of pain...YEA for her...what a wonderful friend...and likely mother...

Why is the compassion, love and understanding a one way street?

Just curious why you think it is incumbent on people who are fertile to walk on eggshells around people who aren't. Do parents of special needs kids get to ignore the milestones of the children of their friends and relatives, say graduation from high school? Aren't all of us grown-ups, and can we not find a balance?

I never said it was a one-way street
I SAID if this woman understood how her friend was behaving...and had compassion for it...why should it bother anyone else?
You may not understand and have those kinds of friendships...where people can give what they may not be getting at that moment...in that season...but some people can see beyond themselves and extend the grace and mercy they may not be getting at the moment...good for for that poster...what's it to you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are horrible. You know what they are going through and all you care about is yourself. You better learn to be more understanding and less judgmental before you have your child. I told my best friend (I was her maid of honor, etc.) that I was pregnant 4 months ago and haven't heard a word from her since. I know she is struggling with infertility so it hasn't bothered me one bit. I know she will come around when she is ready and I don't need any more attention. Get over yourself. You almost seem like you want to rub it in.

I think the situation you're describing is odd. Sure, your friend is struggling with infertility but she is also your best friend, and to just completely leave your life like that is really harsh. I don't understand these extreme reactions from the person struggling from infertility. Why the need to shut the pregnant person out of their life completely?

Get a grip!
If this poster is not bothered by her friend's reaction why are you?
I have a child, but struggled with multiple pregnancy losses and this was not my reaction...but I do UNDERSTAND how some struggling with infertility can react in this manner...
And if her friend has enough compassion, love, and understanding for her friend who is in a lot of pain...YEA for her...what a wonderful friend...and likely mother...

Why is the compassion, love and understanding a one way street?

Just curious why you think it is incumbent on people who are fertile to walk on eggshells around people who aren't. Do parents of special needs kids get to ignore the milestones of the children of their friends and relatives, say graduation from high school? Aren't all of us grown-ups, and can we not find a balance?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are horrible. You know what they are going through and all you care about is yourself. You better learn to be more understanding and less judgmental before you have your child. I told my best friend (I was her maid of honor, etc.) that I was pregnant 4 months ago and haven't heard a word from her since. I know she is struggling with infertility so it hasn't bothered me one bit. I know she will come around when she is ready and I don't need any more attention. Get over yourself. You almost seem like you want to rub it in.

I think the situation you're describing is odd. Sure, your friend is struggling with infertility but she is also your best friend, and to just completely leave your life like that is really harsh. I don't understand these extreme reactions from the person struggling from infertility. Why the need to shut the pregnant person out of their life completely?

Get a grip!
If this poster is not bothered by her friend's reaction why are you?
I have a child, but struggled with multiple pregnancy losses and this was not my reaction...but I do UNDERSTAND how some struggling with infertility can react in this manner...
And if her friend has enough compassion, love, and understanding for her friend who is in a lot of pain...YEA for her...what a wonderful friend...and likely mother...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not take it personally, and follow their lead (e.g. they need space.) That is my opinion. I struggled w/ infertility as a single woman, so perhaps that is why I am compassionate towards them. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

OP here. I guess I feel that SIL should pretend to be happy for us, and give us a quick call or send an email. That just seems like proper manners. To ignore close kin's pregnancy just seems really odd and ridiculous to me.

Really -- seriously....OP...I say this with all the kindness I can muster -- Grow Up.
Sometimes we need people to yank our chains and show us that we need to steer in the opposite direction.
Who cares if she/they do not "pretend" to be happy for you?
1) you know they are struggling with infertility and I ASSUME you know this must be emotionally trying for them....


2) even if they were not struggling with infertility....why would you expect them to dance a jig at YOUR pregnancy....
a simple "congratulations" -- and if not...maybe think that is out of character for them...but KEEP IT MOVING

Just be glad you are pregnant and not on the other side of the equation wondering "why not me?"

Have a little more compassion....

Just be a little more sensitive to them, OP. As a happily pregnant woman myself who got pregnant without a single issue, I try to remind myself how truly lucky I am that things have worked out well for me. It took me a long time to tell a friend of mine who is having trouble getting pregnant that I'm now pregnant. On the one hand, I wanted to spare her the news that her friend who is also in her mid-30s got pregnant at the drop of a hat, while on the other, I didn't want to assume she'd lose her mind over it and not be able to handle the news, as that's not my place to decide.

So, see it from their perspective. As your family grows and changes, as you get to watch your kids grow, finish school, get married, give you grandkids, your brother and SIL have to find more and more ways to fill the void if they never have kids. For some couples, it can tear them apart. Let's face it, for people who really want kids, adopting or at least getting a few dogs and cats just ain't gonna cut it. It will always be the elephant in the room. There are a lot of couples out there who don't want kids and are perfectly happy without them, but it was most likely in their plan to be childless. It's a lot worse when being childless wasn't part of your plan.

I can see both sides here, and I think both women sound pretty self-absorbed. OP should not trumpet her pregnancy and avoid the all-too-common FTM attitude about pregnancy (i.e., I am the most special person ever, and this is the most magical thing ever, so treat me accordingly). But the SIL should also be able to muster at least a congratulations.

My best friend struggled with infertility for years. A mutual friend got pregnant and did not want to tell her about it. She finally did, and our friend hugged her and said that she was happy for her. When the pregnant friend admitted that she had been wary of giving the news, the infertile friend said, "Just because I can't get pregnant, doesn't mean the world stops revolving." That stuck with me. Both women were very sensitive to each other about both protecting their own feelings, but also supporting each other. It can be done.

My best friend did finally become pregnant just a few months after that. When she found out, we all cried - with joy, of course.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it is like chewing glass--I suffered with infertility and don't want to remember those days--but I still think the SIL should acknowledge the pregnancy. It's been 3 months! Come on...SIL is being a bit of a special snowflake herself not even to congratulate her family member. She's going to be an aunt to this little boy or girl.

As much as I was hurting for the years I was infertile, I still knew the world was going on. SIL should do the polite and loving thing and say *something*. Or are the aunt and uncle just going to glaze over for the next 18 years whenever their niece/nephew is in the room??

I was able to suck it up, too. But I just assumed I was in a different mental place than my friends who were not able to. And that's okay. I didn't tell anyone about our struggles, not because I was some sort of martyr, but because I was deeply uncomfortable and didn't want any speculation or questions. It sounds like the relationship with SIL was already strained, so there's a decent chance that this isn't all about infertility. What OP thought was a sensitive way of telling her brother might not have been -- she's shown a bit of callousness in this thread, so...it's not a huge leap to imagine that she didn't hit the right note.

I suspect OP doesn't like/is not liked by the SIL.

OTOH, much as many new moms are completely absorbed by their being new moms and expect the world to bend to their wishes/perceived needs, I've noticed many women dealing with infertility seem to expect the rest of the world to cater to their wishes/perceived needs.

OP needs to lay off the kid talk around SIL and learn to at least tolerate/make small talk with SIL.

SIL needs to muster a generic "congratulations" sort of message to OP and also learn to tolerate/make small talk with OP.

Your poor SIL. This is a very difficult situation for her and you are not making it any easier. Be kind.

OP my SIL and I were pregnant at the same time. Me after years of trying. Then I miscarried. She had her baby. I was not sending her happy dappy emails about this. She understood. TRY to understand your SIL perspective if you want to keep a relationship. Don't you have many friends who are congratulating you? Why her, also? Sounds a little like rubbing it in. Sorry.