Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not weird about germs or possessive. I welcome any assistance and am grateful for it. The fact is that I don't like my MIL and her intense desire to hold the baby will not be of help or comfort to me. She will be in my way and I will have to excuse myself to breastfeed, nap, relax, etc. She will create more work for me. My husband and I can hold the baby...moreover so can any of about 10 other family members (DH's lovely father and stepmother included) who are also incredibly thoughtful, helpful people. I am just trying to figure out how to cope and maintain an even keel. I have a cordial, pleasant relationship with her that I turn the other cheek quite often to maintain but this will take a whole new level of management.

Your MIL's desire to hold her newborn grandchild is totally understandable. Her incessant reminders that she wants to hold the baby are her way of telling you that she is afraid that you won't give her the opportunity to do so. She's anxious that she'll be shut out.

Please be kind to this woman and let her hold and help out with her grand baby. Remember that this baby is a part of her, too. That doesn't mean that you have to hand the baby over to her - your the mom, but do let her share in the joy of her new grandchild.

I'm not sure you've been paying close attention to this thread. This MIL has a weird fixation on literally "holding the baby" and will not be of any help to anyone, as her idea of helping is to "hold the baby." She stated that her plans are to "hold the baby as much as possible" or something to that effect. OP has observed this weird behavior in her before and is stating that it goes above and beyond the normal desire for a newborn cuddle which everyone agrees is understandable and amazing. I'm sorry, but when someone's desire to fulfill their own needs gets in the way of new mother trying to establish breastfeeding and comfort with her new baby that is a problem. I don't think OP is being unkind but rather trying to be kind by figuring out succesful coping strategies ahead of time. If the MIL is "anxious" that she'll be shut out - perhaps she should examine her behavior and reasons why she is not comforting/helpful to her DIL. The OP has indicated that she is not high-strung and is relaxed and grateful to accept help from others, including her other in-laws. This tells me that OP doesn't have an irrational dislike for MIL just because she is her MIL. Lastly, OP is letting her MIL share in the joy of her new grandchild. It seems as though MIL has been invited to come to hospital to meet her on day she is born and that sounds pretty kind to me.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not weird about germs or possessive. I welcome any assistance and am grateful for it. The fact is that I don't like my MIL and her intense desire to hold the baby will not be of help or comfort to me. She will be in my way and I will have to excuse myself to breastfeed, nap, relax, etc. She will create more work for me. My husband and I can hold the baby...moreover so can any of about 10 other family members (DH's lovely father and stepmother included) who are also incredibly thoughtful, helpful people. I am just trying to figure out how to cope and maintain an even keel. I have a cordial, pleasant relationship with her that I turn the other cheek quite often to maintain but this will take a whole new level of management.

Your MIL's desire to hold her newborn grandchild is totally understandable. Her incessant reminders that she wants to hold the baby are her way of telling you that she is afraid that you won't give her the opportunity to do so. She's anxious that she'll be shut out.

Please be kind to this woman and let her hold and help out with her grand baby. Remember that this baby is a part of her, too. That doesn't mean that you have to hand the baby over to her - your the mom, but do let her share in the joy of her new grandchild.

When that baby comes you will be grateful to have another set of willing arms around...it'll be the only way you can peacefully get a shower, make the bed, do the laundry, run an errand, get a nap.

I loved holding and snuggling with my newborn babies but it was nice to get a break every now and then. Even if the break meant cooking dinner or taking out the trash, lol.

Wonder how this is going, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I swear sometimes it just seems to me that some grandmas obsess about the baby to fill a void their lives.

Like, my life is empty, but wait.. there's a good news - someone is having a baby. Let me march over there and insert myself next to it. Then it doesn't seem meaningless for a while.

This. Also, I love how "helping" almost always means hanging out. My mom still makes offers to "help" when helping means fetching her drinks and serving her lunch.

OP here. I am not weird about germs or possessive. I welcome any assistance and am grateful for it. The fact is that I don't like my MIL and her intense desire to hold the baby will not be of help or comfort to me. She will be in my way and I will have to excuse myself to breastfeed, nap, relax, etc. She will create more work for me. My husband and I can hold the baby...moreover so can any of about 10 other family members (DH's lovely father and stepmother included) who are also incredibly thoughtful, helpful people. I am just trying to figure out how to cope and maintain an even keel. I have a cordial, pleasant relationship with her that I turn the other cheek quite often to maintain but this will take a whole new level of management.

I actually would have killed for your MIL after my first child. Before I had her, I thought I'd be the type of mom who was possessive of her baby and wouldn't want dozens of people with germs holding her.

Fast forward after her birth, and I could not put her down or she cried. She had to be held ALL. THE. TIME. I wanted to pass her off to be held by anyone and everyone who came by to visit even the mailman (jk on the mailman). But seriously, my arms were just killing me. And I could get nothing done.

I still remember very well (11 years later) the one time we visited my MIL when the baby was a couple of months old. The baby woke up at 6 AM and wanted to be held. I asked my MIL to do it and she sat and held her for two hours! And I went back to sleep. It was heaven!

Sure it would be great if she offered to prepare meals for you or clean your house, but sometimes you take what you can get. And you might actually really appreciate it.

That would be "baby care class for grandparents" to take. They had fun.

We, and several of our friends, had the various grandparents take a "grandparent care class". This was because they all flew in at various times of my mat leave, and beyond, wanting to "help" by holding and watching the baby. Not me or meals or cleaning, etc. while they stayed at our home.
Thing was, one set of gparents hadn't been near a baby in decades! And one grandparent from another country/culture was all about giving the newborn honey, tea, had no experience diapering/cleaning girl babies, etc.
The course gave us something to all talk about and was a lot better than me handing out the Nanny Care sheet to the inlaws! And they purposely wanted to come when I went back to work so as to "help" and spend more time with the baby. Them going from zero to 9 hrs of FT baby care after 35 years off freaked me out, so that didn't happen exactly like that.

I was worried about this too- because more than a baby hog (which she is), my MIL does NOTHING to help out EVER, and I knew I'd really need some actual help. Then DH's stepmom announced she wanted to be "on the first plane!" so we freaked out again, because even though she is very helpful and lovely, DH's stepmom couldn't be in line ahead of his actual mom and my mom to see this baby.... So we asked everyone to stay away for a bit, mostly so as not to single out step MIL and hurt her feelings.

It all totally backfired. I ended up very ill (3 more trips to the hospital after birth, all with surgery attached). I had in-home nurse visits, all kinds of drugs, pumping and dumping- I needed nothing more than SOMEONE to come and hold that baby while I was hooked up to an IV. I had to ask my mother to come (after hurting her feelings by originally asking her not to come straight away), and then she spent the better part of the next year coming and going from 500 miles away.

It taught me to not anticipate "the worst," because clearly the real worst was way worse than the worst thing I had anticipated with MIL and step MIL. And I was ashamed of hurting everyone's feelings when all they were doing was expressing love / excitement / joy. Having a baby is somewhat of a village affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mom-nazis are crazy! I am a mom of two and I can't fathom how fanatical you all get!

Fuck right off. Seriously. You break our the term "nazi" for the completely normal and healthy instinct for a mom to hold her newborn infant? Just fuck off.

My son was in the NICU for 10'days during which I barely got to hold him an hour a day, 2 at best. Now that we're home, I have to let him go so I can pump every 2-3 hours. I'll let someone hold him so I can shower and pump, but aside from that, I want no one but DH and me holding him. It's best for him and best for me. Anyone who has a problem with that does not factor into my decisions.

The more time mom and baby touc, the better tue bond, the more likely the milk will be abundant (mine is not). I don't begrudge any of my family moms (cousins, SILs) all the time in the world with their infants. I do dishes, cool, tidy, anything to free them up for more cuddle time. That's what anyone who is not a selfish douch would do for a new mom.

Why do I get the feeling that the "and DH" was included as an afterthought?

Projection, maybe?

PP here. My DH actually has gotten to hold the baby more than me, since I spend so much time pumping. Too many strangers held outer baby in the NICU when we couldn't; it's important to us that he sees us as his food source now, not lots of other people. For you to assume that I'm excluding my DH says more about you than me. We're a team.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And a child can't suffer by having too many people who bond and love him or her.

Sorry, I'm missing the point of why you think it's good for an infant to be held by a bunch of strangers. He really needs mostly his mother. And father too. But not to be played with like a new toy by the whole extended family.

This country is weird. The GRANDMOTHER is considered a "stranger"?

That you people consider it unhealthy and bad that the mother of the father wants to hold and love and cuddle the newborn.

No wonder there is so much hate and killing in this country. Maybe if more people loved your children - there would be less children killing each other.

OH and OP, you can tell the nurses when you don't want MIL in the hospital room They'll kindly direct her out to the hall when necessary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ftm? You will be glad someone wants to help hold the baby, trust me!

I have three kids and now at 9mo, 3yo, 6yo I am very happy to have grandma come help & do something with the kids. I will even put up with A LOT of MIL crap for that little bit of freedom. BUT when each of mine were tiny infants I didn't want MIL anywhere near them. I love me some newborn snuggles. And MIL annoys me 10x more than normal when I'm PP.

Yes. In my experience, caring for a newborn was much easier than caring for an older baby. People assume you'll need loads of help with a newborn, but really, now that ds is almost 1.5 years old I could use more help corralling him.

If this were my family I would explain to MIL that on the advice of the lactation consultant (went to a bf class), and the parenting books, I plan to hold my baby as much as possible, especially in the hospital, so we can form a bond. I would point out that many nursing moms inadvertently hold their babies only when nursing so getting in some bonding time is good for both. I would (as this is my personality) throw in a little something to indicate that as an inexperienced FTM I'm going to do what the books tell me to do even if it seems silly.

If that didn't work, DH would step in and talk to her.

My mother was with us a lot in the weeks after ds was born. I was so impressed with her! She always ASKED if she could hold the baby, or ASKED if I wanted her to take him when he was crying and I couldn't console him (she had a way of calming him, which was weird because she was so not nurturing when I was growing up). Otherwise she mainly cleaned and cooked and did our laundry, which is what she insisted on. All day long "do you have any more laundry for me? I don't want to sit around watching TV all day."

My FIL on the other hand, bah. As soon as he would walk in the door, he would hold out his arms to take my baby. Once when in a room-full of well-wishers (and baby-holders) he took the baby into another room to sit in a rocking chair with him. DH had to go in to take ds back, and tell him "there's other people who came just to see the baby."