OP, still ditch him when he is more settled. He will probably lose his job again given his history, personality and issues. If you were getting along overall and respecting each other- That's another story.

I just want to say that I'm glad this thread was ressurected. My DH was self-employed but had to close his business over the summer. The plan was for him to tkae some time off, get some much needed stuff done around the house and we'd revisit the job situation after the new year. We can't afford for him to be unemployed for the long term but we both agreed he (we) needed him to be home for a while. Well, much as OP described in her first post, he didn't seem to do much around the house. Him being home was supposed to lighten my load but I was doing the same amount of household work as I did before. I was/am very angry and resentful. My DH is really a nice guy and we have a lot of love but love isn't enough. I also need a partner.

A PP talked about her black hole of depression and ADD. My DH suffers from both and I usually provide him a list of things to do each day. The list is pretty mundane - things like have kids brush teeth, walk the dog, clean up the kitchen, etc. Even with the list, he still wasn't able to complete the routine stuff much less the 'extra' stuff that needed done around the house. When I read the PPs suggestion for a 'time grid' or activity log, it was like a eureka moment. I talked to my DH about it and he agreed that it would be helpful. I now my DH has a poor concept of time, doesn't estimate well how long something will take to do and he also gets sucked into the internet/TV. I'm hoping this activity log will help him with all of that. Thanks so much for suggesting it.

Thanks, too, OP, for the update. I'm glad to hear there's less stress in your life and hope you get through this year and your decisions with peace and calmness. Hugs.

OP here.

A job fell in his lap (literally) and that has taken an incredible amount of stress off. Our relationship is still unhealthy and will not survive another year of what we just went through. We are in counseling and just taking one day at a time.

I think the heart of our problem was that we had a long history of disrespectful and toxic interactions, and by the time he lost his job again, there was no foundation to support us in tough times. I think you need to step back and assess how important the marriage is to you. Do you have kids? Another concern for you is that if you leave now, you may have to pay alimony, depending. I have no answers. Did you ever have much respect for him? That is a good indicator of how likely this relationship is to survive. It's such an awful situation for you, I'm sorry.

I think therapy - couples and individual - is very helpful.

If by any chance OP reads this, what happened? I'm facing similar situation now.

Anonymous wrote:When I was unemployed for a few months, I had grand ideas about all the organizational projects I would accomplish while being home all day. I'd get up in the morning, take DD to preschool and then come home to "check my email really quick and drink some coffee before getting started on the day." Flash forward 6 hours. I would surface from the black hole of the internet to find that it was almost time to get get DD from school, I was still in my PJs and hadn't showered, much less accomplished any of the things that were on my list. Being motivated and organized and creating your own structure requires enormous discipline. It sounds like your husband lacks that discipline, which is not the end of the world. These things can be learned, but they require facing some unpleasant truths about yourself before you can solve them.

Good luck.

I'm the PP from way above that posted how keeping written record of my hours helped me out of the black hole of depression and being unemployed for 2 years. What the other PP above wrote is so true to my experience -- I'd wake with the best of intentions and most ambitious of goals, go online "just to check email quick" and then the day would disappear. Or worse, I'd become aware of all that lost time by like 2PM but then, in a tsunami of self-recrimination and self-loathing, just give up on the rest of the day.

Having a grid (I made one in Excel; I'm a geek) with a block for each hour of the day helped me enormously to get away from the black and white thinking of depression that would make me write off a whole day once I realized that I had wasted it up to 2PM. I'd just fill in "Black hole of internet" for the hours I wasted, rate them maybe a 3 for pleasure, rate them a 0 for sense of accomplishment, and then focus on the next blank hour block in front of me.

I'm an intelligent person with great intentions and, when I'm not clinically depressed, a really great work ethic. Workaholism and perfectionism were more common to me than laziness (but equally self-defeating in their ways) before my period of unemployment and depression. But I have a new appreciation now for how much your brain can trick you when it is sick.

I hope the "time grid" trick may be helpful for your DH. You could even do it, too, and then talk about how you're spending your time and what activities you get pleasure and accomplishment out of. My then bf and I were surprised to discover that he got a great sense of accomplishment out of cleaning the kitchen, while I got both pleasure and accomplishment out of folding laundry. Those are now our kind-of permanent jobs in our partnership.

OP, you've gotten a lot of really good advice about how to handle this here. I would like to offer a little bit more, which counseling could also help with.

You said that your husband believes he does a lot more around the house than you notice, and that when you try to discuss this, the conversation devolves into the same toxic communication patterns. I would suggest not having that conversation anymore without the counselor as a mediator. It's a BIG issue. You feel that he could be contributing more, if he's not going to contribute financially. I think it would be good for you to lay out exactly what those contributions would be, from your perspective. He can then lay out exactly what he's doing that he feels you are ignoring. If he thinks you're not seeing the things he is doing, the responsibility is on him to make those things more visible/alert you to what they are, not on you to suddenly be able to perceive everything. It's possible that he is doing little things that you are not noticing - I have definitely been there before. It's also possible that he is avoiding doing other things that are more important to you - I've been there as well. I suspect that what is going on is actually a combination of those things, but one way or another, it sounds like you guys are unable to talk about it without having a fight in which he feels like you're accusing him of being a lazy loser and you feel like he is accusing you of being an unappreciative nag. Neither of you are either of those things. He is depressed and anxious and you are stressed out and exhausted. What you both need is a break from feeling unheard. The counselor can help with that.

When I was unemployed for a few months, I had grand ideas about all the organizational projects I would accomplish while being home all day. I'd get up in the morning, take DD to preschool and then come home to "check my email really quick and drink some coffee before getting started on the day." Flash forward 6 hours. I would surface from the black hole of the internet to find that it was almost time to get get DD from school, I was still in my PJs and hadn't showered, much less accomplished any of the things that were on my list. Being motivated and organized and creating your own structure requires enormous discipline. It sounds like your husband lacks that discipline, which is not the end of the world. These things can be learned, but they require facing some unpleasant truths about yourself before you can solve them.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Reddit is a huge time suck and escape, as is DCUM. He seriously may feel that his day is full because he's fighting righteous fights on the Internet.

Good point there. Arguing on the Internet can be a huge time sink.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not ideal; but his level of effort sounds comparable to that of plenty of stay-at-home moms. Anyway, I'd say at least take the kids out of daycare until he decides he wants to work outside the home.

Wow, really? I always though SAH moms did a little more than shuttle kids to/from school and do grocery shopping.

The great majority do, I'm sure. In our society, however, I think it's somewhat more acceptable for a wife to kind of dick around and not work very hard (assuming the family can afford it financially) than for a husband to do the same. If a woman doesn't have a job, shuttles the kids to school and back, and has a maid clean the house a couple times a week; she's generally not thought of as a loser even if she's not doing a whole lot more while the kids are in school than puttering about with her hobbies. I don't think that's the case when the genders are reversed.

This is interesting although as FT working mom, I admit I don't have the highest opinion of moms who stay at home while the kids are in school and don't do anything. If they volunteer and are actively involved in the kids' school, that would be different. And here - OP has stated her income and that is NOT enough in this area for one spouse to stay at home. I think if the roles were reversed (man made $100k, we would be equally critical of his SAH spouse who shuttled the kids to daycare and ran a few other errands).

It may not be enough to live the DCUM Dream, but $100k HHI (with no massive student debt) will get you an older TH in Leesburg/Frederick, or a place out in Bowie -- all these places have public schools that are acceptable K-12.

OP, what does the counselor say to/about your husband? He sounds depressed AND lazy. But if he doesn't want to change, you can't make him, and the you'll have to cut him loose for the sake of you and your child. Do consult a divorce lawyer to see what your options are, and also find out what steps you should take in the event that you decide to divorce (for instance, how to protect your assets, etc.). Do you still love your husband? If you're worried about your child, just remember that she's seeing it all, and you don't want her to think your house's dynamic is normal. You also can't find someone better, if that's what you decide you want, if you're stuck in a bad marriage.

Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been unemployed 10 months and has not sent out a single resume. I don't know what he does with his days other than do daycare pickup/drop-off and grocery shopping. This is a sensitive topic so I avoid talking about it as we fight enough as it is. I know job hunting is hell, but I also feel like he should have at least applied to something by now. I also feel like he should do more around the house - yard work, dishes, laundry, cooking, since he's home all day. But he resists doing that because he says I don't respect his time.

He's been unemployed 4 out of the 8 years we've been married. If I'm perfectly honest I think he's a loser but I don't want to feel this way because I want our marriage to work for the sake of my child. We are in counseling already.

Why? Your marriage is over. Just kill it dead already.

19:58 that is a GREAT idea, I love it. Will absolutely see if I can talk him into giving it a try. Thanks for your input! -OP

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few years ago I was unemployed for 2 years and was in a terrible, terrible black hole of depression. I wasted most of my days. If I went to the grocery store it DID feel like a huge accomplishment. I'd be exhausted afterward. I'd wonder where all the hours disappeared.

Reddit is a huge time suck and escape, as is DCUM. He seriously may feel that his day is full because he's fighting righteous fights on the Internet. Mental distortuons rule when you're clinically depressed.

What got me out of the hole was keeping a written account of how I spent every hour of every day. Including sleep time. I'd write down what I did that hour (sometimes half hour), rate from 1-10 how much I enjoyed the hour, and rate from 1-10 how much of a sense of accomplishment I got out of the hour.

4 months after starting this regimen, I had a job. It was the quantifiable time that helped. I could prove to myself that I quantifiably got more enjoyment and satisfaction out of an hour of cleaning the bathroom than out of an hour futzing around online. It really helped my patient and supportive bf see how much I was trying, too, when I wrote stuff down.

Your DH might get a lot out of this, if he were only willing to try. I have ADD as well, and it's SO easy to lose time.

This is a great response. Why don't you ask your husband to do something like that OP? And if he doesn't want to try, then take it as a sign that there really isn't any hope.

You sound like a good person OP. I'm not a fan of divorce but sometimes it's the best answer to a bad situation. I always promised myself I'd do everything I could to save a marriage, so that if/when I did walk away, I could do it knowing I had tried my best. It sounds like you are doing that, and then some. Good luck.

OP, a few years ago I was unemployed for 2 years and was in a terrible, terrible black hole of depression. I wasted most of my days. If I went to the grocery store it DID feel like a huge accomplishment. I'd be exhausted afterward. I'd wonder where all the hours disappeared.

Reddit is a huge time suck and escape, as is DCUM. He seriously may feel that his day is full because he's fighting righteous fights on the Internet. Mental distortuons rule when you're clinically depressed.

What got me out of the hole was keeping a written account of how I spent every hour of every day. Including sleep time. I'd write down what I did that hour (sometimes half hour), rate from 1-10 how much I enjoyed the hour, and rate from 1-10 how much of a sense of accomplishment I got out of the hour.

4 months after starting this regimen, I had a job. It was the quantifiable time that helped. I could prove to myself that I quantifiably got more enjoyment and satisfaction out of an hour of cleaning the bathroom than out of an hour futzing around online. It really helped my patient and supportive bf see how much I was trying, too, when I wrote stuff down.

Your DH might get a lot out of this, if he were only willing to try. I have ADD as well, and it's SO easy to lose time.