Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 23:47     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
I don't think a married couple ever truly has his and her money, even if they keep their accounts separate, unless they plan to divorce. It's family money, and this man is spending the equivalent of a couple of months of his wife's hard work on his spoiled, entitled sister. Even if it comes from his account, it's money that now won't be invested in their immediate family.

OP, I agree with you that your orob is your DH, and the solution is having a joint budget and making joint decisions about major purchases. It does sound like a v weird dynamic with his sister, though. Flowers and spa treatments? Does he treat you to the same? B/c raising two kids while working full time as a nurse seems WAY harder than raising three kids who are school aged while staying at home. Way, way harder.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 23:47     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
Anonymous wrote:My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline.


I hope that you can work things out. It's awful for a family to have these kinds of rifts. FWIW, my brother makes 5X more than we do, his wife is a SAHM, and they are both extremely cheap. It is so awful going out with them when you know that you always have to pay the bill. Even so we still go out with them so that our kids can see theirs. Sometimes you just have to suck up the awful. If your SIL is trying to smooth things over maybe she regrets how she made you feel. People can change. Maybe you should give her a chance.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 23:42     Subject: Re:Husband pays for sister's vacations
I would celebrate the fact that your hubby cares about his family...all of it, including his sis and his nieces/nephews. So he spent a couple thousand dollars. No biggie. His sis and hubby only make $180K and send their kids to a private so there is probably not much left over. We make 200K and have only 1 kid in a very expensive private and it is hard. So I believe them when they say that they can't afford the vacation.

Anyhow I suspect you have money issues anyhow if you keep private bank accounts. It's a pity.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 23:14     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

Bullshit. Her SIL can certainly afford a vacation at 180K HHI, but she's prioritizing staying at home in an expensive house and sending three kids to private school over vacations. It's fine to do that, but you can't cry poor if you've got money for private school for three kinds PLUS you choose not to work.

The difference in their household incomes is not great -- basically, it's $2,000 a month. So OP's husband essentially chose to spend a couple of months' worth of this WIFE's income on his sister's self indulgence. He's using his wife's labor to subsidize his sister sitting on her ass at home while her kids are at school all day.

That's not being generous. That's being a patsy. And it's completely disrespectful of his wife. She's going to grey mad about this for good reason!!!!

It's one thing if one couple hit Lotto and wants to treat the other. But SIL's family lives in luxury, works less, and cries poor. OP's family lives more frugally and works harder. Why should they subsidize laziness and self-indulgence? I would FLIP if my husband did this.


They have separate finances so how is he spending her money? he is spending his own money that he earned - he isn't taking his sister on vacation instead of paying the mortgage. If he wants to spend his money on bringing his family on vacation then why can't he? I guess the question is if OP makes purchases with her money without asking her DH if that is how he wants the money spent. If not, if she spends her money as she wishes, then why can't he? If their money was 'our' money, it would be very different but they have 'his' and 'her' money.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 23:02     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband is a good guy. He is a doctor and I am a nurse- together we make about $230K. My BIL is also a doctor but his wife (my husband's sister) is a SAHM. Their HHI is probably around $180K. They have three kids, we have two. My husband and I have separate checking accounts and credit cards. Basically he pays for the mortgage, major expenses, etc and I pay for daycare and fun stuff (cable, vacations, etc). My IL's are always complaining how poor their daughter is because her husband only makes $180K, and they have three private school tuitions and live in a small very expensive house. I don't feel sorry for them because they choose to live in that house, send the kids to those schools, and for her to not work (she has two degrees is just not interested in working, not because she is disabled). We live in a small house, send our kids to daycare, and I work full time.

We recently went on vacation with my M/FILs, my BIL/SIL and their three kids. The BIL/SIL were almost not going to come because the flights and hotels were going to be "too expensive." I had purchased the tickets for our family two months ago with my own cc. I see in my husband's CC statement last night that he paid for their hotel and their plane tickets. Their plane tickets were $1000 more than ours because of the third kid and the late purchase. This isn't the first time he has paid for something for them because they've whined about cost.

Clearly this is a DH issue, not an IL issue. I know that. I need to know how to discuss this with him for it infuriates me. I have no problem with him being generous to family- I just wish he would tell me. I feel he doesn't tell me because he knows it pisses me off. It makes me feel like the money I make to purchase things for our family doesn't mean anything- if anything it makes him feel more ok to spend his money on them. Why am I working if we are funding her to be a SAHM?






You don't sound very nice OP. Would it make you feel better if your SIL left that pesky third child home instead? And I missed something, is your DH cutting them a check every month to cover expenses? Or is he just treating them to a nice vacation that they otherwise couldn't afford? If it just vacations then I don't see how this is funding her ability to be a SAHM. Maybe your DH enjoys having his family around and wants to include everyone. I think you just want to be able to go on these fabulous vacations and then rub it in SILs nose that she couldn't afford to go. And you answered your own question as to why he doesn't tell you. It pisses you off, and then you will sulk and make every one's life miserable. I suggest you quit working, become a SAHM and then your family will not be able to afford these luxurious things. In reality, you have been blessed with a wonderful DH who is generous and kind.


Bullshit. Her SIL can certainly afford a vacation at 180K HHI, but she's prioritizing staying at home in an expensive house and sending three kids to private school over vacations. It's fine to do that, but you can't cry poor if you've got money for private school for three kinds PLUS you choose not to work.

The difference in their household incomes is not great -- basically, it's $2,000 a month. So OP's husband essentially chose to spend a couple of months' worth of this WIFE's income on his sister's self indulgence. He's using his wife's labor to subsidize his sister sitting on her ass at home while her kids are at school all day.

That's not being generous. That's being a patsy. And it's completely disrespectful of his wife. She's going to grey mad about this for good reason!!!!

It's one thing if one couple hit Lotto and wants to treat the other. But SIL's family lives in luxury, works less, and cries poor. OP's family lives more frugally and works harder. Why should they subsidize laziness and self-indulgence? I would FLIP if my husband did this.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 15:07     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
My DH makes a substantial amount of money, in the seven figures, and we feel very fortunate for that. He works extremely hard and does not have much free time at all, resulting in us usually only having one annual vacation in the summer. DHs family is spread out all over the world. So we usually rent a large house somewhere and pay for it and tell everyone in my family and his fami,y they are invite. They need to pay to get there but we pay the house, which usually comes with a housekeeper so it is like staying in a hotel. we often pick up the check when we eat at restaurant or do a large activity that costs money like go to the movies or a museum or rent a boat. We have been doing this for a few years and it was working well until some family members, who don't make the best financial decisions, started asking for money for new clothes for holiday, soending money, etc. these relatives are not poor, not poor at all. We started to feel like a bank. And that we were subsidizing others' poor financial decisions.

In the end, bc DH really wanted large family vacations I usually let it go. Life is short, family is important, don't let the big picture get away from you.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 13:43     Subject: Re:Husband pays for sister's vacations
we make 180k with 3 kids (no private). BIL and SIL make 300-350 with 2 kids. We would never, ever ask them to pay for us for a vacation. We have deferred on family vacations that we cannot afford (europe), and have proposed less expensive alternatives but would not accept their money. IF OP's SIL and BIL were truly barely making it, and OPs brother wanted to include them in something they could otherwise not afford, then yes, I can see that being thoughtful and generous. But sounds like BIL and SIL are using their lesser (but by no means low) income to guilt others into picking up the tab.

that being said, OP, while it would burn me, if its occasional I would let it go
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 13:26     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
My DH's brother made it clear how he has no money right now and all, and noe dh is buying him a brand new apple laptop. He is supposed to pay back in 6 months but I don't trust him...
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 13:22     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
This is a strange thread.

I also keep my financial accounts separate from my husband's. We both know what each of us is responsible for financially, and we are allowed to do whatever we want with the rest. To me, it sounds like your husband thinks you have a similar arrangement.

I actually think, for a family where both parents work and both make similar amounts of money, this is a very sensible arrangement. It prevents fighting. It gives each parent a feeling that they have some freedom. I don't have to justify to my husband the money I spend on clothes and travel, he doesn't have to justify the money he spends on what I think of as his toys.

I think you made a good plan and should stick to it. He should be able to spend the money he makes above the agreed budget however he wants. If he wants his sister and her family on the vacation, let him spend his money that way.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 13:17     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline.


Just because your brother makes more money doesn't mean you are entitled to him paying for your family. sounds like you were mooching. His wife got upset. Why don't you work it out, especially if she is trying to make peace. Family is complicated, after all those years of your brother paying you don't get together with him anymore because he doesn't pays. Sounds like you are the super superior one.


Yeah well I never said I was entitled to anything. He invited us, and we accepted. Hardly mooching, in fact look that word up. We contributed for food and entertainment, and we also gave them a gift card as a thank you. Lol, I never asked for a thing. Why in the hell would I work it out? Especially since you say I was mooching, and obviously that is what my SIL thinks as well? The thing is, people like my SIL and OP have fun bitching and moaning about the money being spent, but they forget how much fun we have. And once we stopped going, my SIL was very sad, and realized what a bitch she had been. I will NEVER go on another brother financed vacation, we will just keep going on our affordable, fun vacations, and they are welcome to join us.


SIL was sad?? I don't believe it, sorry! However fun other people are, the thought of paying for their vacation makes me prefer to go without them
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 13:12     Subject: Re:Husband pays for sister's vacations
OP, what would your ILs do if DH didn't offer to help them pay for the trip? Would they just stay home? If so, then they have simply set their priorities elsewhere and going on these vacations with your family is not the way they want to spend their money. But their presence is important to DH, so he helps contribute to bring them along and keep your families close. I think you have a good husband and need to relax and enjoy your collective good fortune.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 13:11     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
Anonymous wrote:My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline.

So you let your SIL win, in essence
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 11:18     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
Anonymous wrote:Your SIL chose to prioritize her family finances a certain way. She chose education for her kids over a big house, for example. She also chooses not to spend their income on vacations. Sounds pretty responsible to me.

Your DH, sounds like a great brother. He would rather foot the bill than not have his sisters family included on a family vacation. How many times to we see people blast families for spending money on vacations instead of things like education?

You sound really judgmental. And there is a huge difference between the costs for childcare and after care for 2 kids vs 3. Many families of 3 kids find it more economical for one parent to stay at home.


No way. It's not reasonable when she's also bitching and whining about she's too poor (on her 180K income, by the way) to go on vacation, and is ASKING her brother to pay for the WHOLE family. Not just to chip in, he's paying for the whole family. That's ridiculous. My brother and his wife make probably 3-4x what we make more than us and are very generous with gifts, but we would NEVER, EVER say we are poor to them and ASK them to pay for something like a family vacation. The sister and husband sound like they are the selfish, entitled ones, not OP.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 11:12     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
OP, I got tired of reading responses after the first two pages, but it seems pretty clearly to me that a LOT of them are from SAHMs and not people who understand your situation. So please take those with a grain of salt.

That said, I am curious about why you and your husband have completely separate accounts? Why don't you join them and have separate accounts for personal expenses? That's what we do and it works out really well for us.

I think his sister and her husband (who aren't poor, I mean $180K is still a lot of money, that's what we make and we BOTH work) are taking advantage of your husband. You need to talk to him about this.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2013 10:41     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
I would be less bothered by the paying for vacations than by the constant whining about how "poor" they are. That would annoy me too, OP, and I could see how that would make you upset.