Shut it, 15:02.

You sound like you just need some attention. Grow up.

OP, 11:38 here. SO glad to read your update. I know sometimes it sucks to feel like your kids are at a disadvantage b/c you're not keeping up with the Joneses with material stuff, but the biggest advantage you have in that regard I that you can give your kids the priceless gift of raising them as something other than entitled, shallow jerks. (Not that all rich kids are, but there's a correlation.)

You're gonna teach your kids that everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. It's how you respond to them that is what is hard to learn well. You can show them that you're still growing and learning yourself. This will be so helpful to them as the go out into the world. They don't have to expect perfection of themselves in their 20s because you can give them something stronger: resilience. And bonuses of empathy, compassion, and humility.

And what you're doing now: courage.

Rooting for you!

My mother died when I was quite young. I would not say I ever really "bounced back.". I had financial freedom but I think I would have prefered to have a mom to help me learn how to shave my legs, go to the Brownie mother-daughter tea party, argue with me about my clothes in high school and hold her Grandchildren.

OP again. I meant to thank 22:57 ... very very helpful thoughts. And to everyone who responded who has lost someone, I am so sorry. I have made it to my late 30s having never lost anyone really close to me and I know that I have no idea.

OP here. I am down from the ledge. I want to thank everyone so much for their responses, in particular 11:38 and 17:51. I so, so appreciate you taking the time to respond to my inartful "cry for help" as one PP put it. In the scheme of the life I've had so far, these problems seem bad. I wish I could go back and make different choices. I worry that my children will resent us for not being able to give them the kind of material things and opportunities that their peers will have. I wonder what kind of retirement we will ever have, if any. BUT in the grand scheme of the world, these problems are not anywhere near as bad as it gets. And as a few PPs pointed out, I don't know for sure that they would live happily ever after. And, importantly, I don't want to leave them. I don't always feel like I deserve my family, and I feel shame and regret over my failures in life, but that doesn't mean that I don't deserve to live.

I am incredibly blessed to have parents who love me. I talked to them yesterday and they want to do everything they can to help us until we get back on our feet. Things are going to be very lean for a very long time, but I think we can keep the wolf away from the door for the time being.

Again, thanks so much to those who shared their stories and wisdom. It was a much needed reality check. I hesitated to post on DCUM because so often people are just needlessly mean, but I am happy to see that there is kindness here too for people in need of it.

To 1138: thank you for the honesty of your post. I am so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, OP, do you really want to do this? Forget about the insurance money. Think about the nasty witch your husband will marry while he's blinded by grief, who will be hateful to your kids and spend all the insurance money on her babies.

It's a well known fact that 2/3 of all stepmothers wind up feeding the stepchildren poison apples or cooking and eating them.

My step-MIL sent DH and his brother to military school. There are steps who are great and steps who are terrible. The point is that when you are out of the picture, you don't pick who is parenting your kids.

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, OP, do you really want to do this? Forget about the insurance money. Think about the nasty witch your husband will marry while he's blinded by grief, who will be hateful to your kids and spend all the insurance money on her babies.

It's a well known fact that 2/3 of all stepmothers wind up feeding the stepchildren poison apples or cooking and eating them.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for your input. I expected more flames, but maybe I just haven't waited long enough.

I'm actually not depressed. And I doubt that I would actually go through with suicide (not to say I haven't thought about the wheres and hows). I would probably default first and just live in the shadow of the law for the rest of my life. Given that I am in my late 30s, we are running out of time to turn this situation around. On DCUM everyone is talking about 529s and how much they have saved for retirement (not to mention the vacations, private schools, country clubs, nannies, summer camps, and on and on) and all I can do is laugh because that is so far removed from what we will ever be capable of. I didn't understand the importance of money when I was in my 20s. I thought I didn't care about money, that I wanted to "help people" instead, and now money is all I can think about morning, noon and night and the person who needs help is me. I had no idea what it really cost to live a reasonably comfortable middle class life with a family. My kids are already learning about the important of money and sound financial planning. I don't ever want them to have to be in this position -- although since we won't be able to pay for their college, I'm not sure how to prevent them from taking on any educational debt.

I still think that from a financial perspective, my death makes the most sense. It would be better if I just had a heart attack or got cancer, though, as I understand that suicide is uniquely terrible for kids. I definitely want to do what is best for them.

I haven't read all the replies to see if anyone suggested this, but have you considered making yourself judgment proof and then defaulting on your student loans? That is, whatever is in your name, retitle it in your DH's name, then stop paying your student loans. They are unsecured debt so while your credit will go down the toilet that's better than being dead in anybody's book, and nothing will happen to your DH's, and since you don't work or expect to work, you don't have much to fear if they come after you. You also might qualify for loan forgiveness. See this article:

http://www.mint.com/blog/credit/married-couples-and-student-loan-debt-10201/

Note: This is not legal advice. If you actually plan to do something like this you should ask a knowledgeable attorney first.

My brother died by suicide 4 years ago, leaving two young children, one who remembers him, one who doesn't (directly, though he talks as if he does - he was an infant).

His widow and children are, in the short term, better off financially. Survivor's benefits for the kids and widow from Social Security are more than he made after taxes and deductions per month, and his life insurance policies did pay out, even though it was suicide. The suicide clause was only applicable if the policy was initiated or if the insured amount was increased in the previous 3 years. They were able to collect all but the increase in coverage that he had added when his second son was born. So, yes, they are sitting on a lot more money than they ever had when he was alive.

HOWEVER.

The children are changed forever. My oldest nephew used to be the sweetest, kindest, most curious, most delighted child. He adored his dad. At 8, he is now depressed, angry, moody, and listless. He has suffered enormously.

My youngest nephew misses his dad even though he was too young to remember him. He constantly looks at pictures and sometimes even cries about how he misses Daddy. He asked me once why Daddy loved his brother more than him, because there are so many more pictures of my brother with his older son. He barely spoke before he was 4 years old, and still now rarely speaks. He had none of the joy of his first four years that his brother did, none of the mental stimulation or emotional bonding. He will never be the man he would have been if he grew up with my brother.

My brother's widow is a shell of a person, barely functioning. She has spent more than half of the insurance money already, stupidly. She has not worked. She vascillates between nearly catatonic depression and insane rages. If I weren't scared that I'd never see my nephews again at all, I would try to get custody from her - she is neglectful and abusive. I try to be compassionate, but it is difficult.

My brother's death was caused by his bipolar disorder, but the fact that the manner of death was suicide will haunt our family forever, but the children most of all. NO AMOUNT OF MONEY will ever, ever, ever, ever, ever undo the damage that has been done to these children or to us who loved him.

You say you are not depressed, but no rational person would think that suicide is a solution to debt. Your children and husband will NOT be better off without you. NEVER. The minor inconvenience that they face because of less take-home spending money each month that is used for your debt is nothing, nothing compared to the hole in their hearts that you will blow by leaving them voluntarily.

I am 42 and have no retirement savings, either. None. My salary is what it was when I was 27. My husband has stupid credit card debt from a previous marriage. You are not alone in having a big financial hill to climb, even if all the wealthy folks on DCUM make it seem like you are. You've got a husband and kids who love you. You are very employable - even your writing skills alone could get you a job. Your situation is not that dire, even though it feels so. And that's why you NEED to get therapy. If you're in the DC area, I second the recommendation of the Women's Center. They saved my life and got me back on the path of employment after my brother's suicide knocked me to the bottom of a dark pit. They can help you.

After it is done you have no agency. You imagine the best-case scenario. But what if your husband became ill or disabled or developed a gambling habit to cope with the grief? You don't know what will happen, only that you will be unable to affect the outcome. My mother's mother died when she was two. You don't want to do that to your kids.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the poster who said to pay all the debt with credit cards and then declare bankruptcy. Anything would be better than killing yourself.

Not sure if the rules changed with the bankruptcy laws changed. But I worked at a country legal aid office years ago with an attorney who did exactly that. He had overwhelming student loan debt from undergrad and law school. And he was only making about $35,000 a year working at legal aid. He paid most (not all) of his student loan debt with a credit card. Made the minimum payments on the card whenever he could, then declared bankruptcy. We moved out of the area shortly after that so I have no idea how it affected him, especially professionally. But he was able to get rid of most of the debt. I would at least look into it.

Jesus, OP, do you really want to do this? Forget about the insurance money. Think about the nasty witch your husband will marry while he's blinded by grief, who will be hateful to your kids and spend all the insurance money on her babies.

I agree with the poster who said to pay all the debt with credit cards and then declare bankruptcy. Anything would be better than killing yourself.