My guess is:

He's probably not having an affair. He would probably call you ahead of time to spew his story if that was the case.

He may be innocently getting caught up in the moment of having fun with a friend or friends. If that's the case, he should have learned from the first time that it occured.

It does sound like he may be letting his drinking cloud his judgement. I wouldn't necessarily consider him an alcoholic, but if his actions don't change, I would think that it could go down that path in the future.

I have had occassions in the past where I start drinking while having fun with friends and / or family and time gets away from you. I have also experienced being caught off guard by alcohol making me extremely tired. I get up really early in the morning and have a very stressful job. I think it has real negative effects on my health to begin with. Maybe he has a similar schedule.

In any event, at least he isn't trying to drive home drunk or sleep deprived. He could end up killing people (including himself) trying to do that.

I have been with my wife for about 20 years combined. We have children. I personally do not act this way and I wouldn't appreciate it if she did either. Neither one of us has been big into drinking, which probably helps. We do have a pact that if either of us is going to drink than the other will not drink at all if we are out and plan to drive. The same hold true for transporting the children. If we have had one sip we let the other drive or don't drive at all. It may sound overly cautious, but it's a system that works for us.

You probably need to have a face to face conversation with your DH and tell him your concerns. Ask him if he plans to continue this course of action. Explain to him the importance of being accessible at all times in case there is ever an issue, as you have a child together and someone has to be the guardian and make important decisions. Emergencies happen when you least expect them. If someone is unaccessible or incoherent when you need them most it could be devastating.

Anonymous wrote:Does he have ADHD? Is he always late?

DH practically never notifies me in advance of any change of plans once he goes out. He has a problem with time management and time keeping, and is incurably optimistic about how long something will take. Typically, he will run out for some errand. Then I get anxious because he's late, and I try to call him and his phone is not on. Then eventually he calls me, apologizes, and tells me of an extra series of errands he had to run, or tells me that his errand unaccountably lasted longer than he thought. Now I believe he's truthful (if he says he's in the American Plant, for ex, I hear lots of appropriate noises in the background). But he cannot for the life of him remember to switch on his phone in the morning, and he does not wear the watch I gave him.
I believe this stems from his ADHD.
It's infuriating.

Alcoholism, escapism, ADHD or whatever it is, good luck dealing with this, OP.

My DH, too, has ADHD and exhibits the behaviors you list and I'll add that he will not utilize the Google calendar that I've set up for our family to keep track of who needs to be where when. And yes, it's incrediblyl frustrating and infuriating. However, my DH has never, ever stayed out all night without informing me. The behavior OP describes is not a result of ADHD. Now, he may be self-medicating with alcohol but staying out all night without letting her know is something totally different. They've got big problems.

(Married 15 years)

Actually most guys wouldn't cover, especially if they have wives or serious girlfriends of their own. That being said, I've never stayed out all night without a phone call even if it is prearranged.

Anonymous wrote:Yikes, I pity some of your husbands. I go out with my buddies some time and we have drinks and I may get home late like 2am (by taxi), but DW doesn't mind since it's only once a month unless old friends are in town.

I don't stay out overnight, but I would text her if that situation arose. I think the issue is OP's DH isn't at least letting her know he's OK.

I don't thikn it's an affair -- way too sloppy in terms of cover-up if it were.

.

I think 2am is perfectly reasonable. I don't even expect a text for 2am as that's when most bars close. It's when they sun beats you home that it becomes a problem. There are only 2 types of people partying past 2/3am...druggies and people fucking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a little confused.

Does he go out multiple times a month and one of those times he gets so drunk that he passes out & doesn't come home?

Or, once a month, he goes out & gets drunk & passes out & doesn't come home?

Because if it's the former, that's HUGE problem. But if it's the latter, how come you don't just assume he's not coming home? (since he never does)

sorry, for me, going MIA (not even calling!) once a month is not acceptable either.

as for the affair poster, perhaps, but it seems more likely her DH has a serious drinking problem. If an affair, there is usually forethought, planning, and lies.
sorry OP, i would be livid, but also, focusing on the very real possibility of serious alcoholism. Binge drinking to that extent, even once a month is a real problem.

I am the affair poster. He doesn't need to go to a friend's house to get drunk and pass out. He can and would be doing it at home if he had a serious drinking problem.

He is lying - saying he forgot to call, just couldn't drive home bc he was too drunk, etc.

Really, he is having an affair. It doesn't get more simple than that.

+1000. I couldn't agree more. If he had a problem, it certainly wouldn't be once a month. If this were me, I'd be certain he was having an affair and would hire a PI or do it myself in a heartbeat. The first sign of cheating is his defensive behavior. Everyone is so outraged by the "story", but DH is lying. Sorry OP. My sis was in the exact situation except her H was staying out until 4/5am once a week, he'd say that he was falling asleep outside the bar at closing (in his car to sober up). Turned out he had a weekly happy hour date w/ co-worker that ended at her place. Sad thing was, it took her quite a while to figure it out as he was a true alcoholic, at home, work, everywhere on a daily basis. So the behavior was typical for him.

Yikes, I pity some of your husbands. I go out with my buddies some time and we have drinks and I may get home late like 2am (by taxi), but DW doesn't mind since it's only once a month unless old friends are in town.

I don't stay out overnight, but I would text her if that situation arose. I think the issue is OP's DH isn't at least letting her know he's OK.

I don't thikn it's an affair -- way too sloppy in terms of cover-up if it were.

Either 1) he is a selfish jerk and just wants a night away from you and the baby every month, 2) he has an alcohol problem, and/or 3) he is cheating. And of course his boys are going to cover for him. That's guy code.

I mean how the hell could he not answer his phone all night, please. Let me smack him for you.

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is having an affair.

His friends would cover for him. and your DH is likely not even worried about that because he knows you are buying his BS.

I'm sorry but really this is a very likely reason. His buddies would cover for him IN A HEARTBEAT--almost all guys would. They are his friends, not yours.

And even if it isn't an affair, then you have some other matters to deal with. Crashing at a friend's place 'frequently' is not generally normal behavior for those older than the cast of the 'Real World' and even if it was, getting drunk to the point of passing out 'frequently' is something that will have to be dealt with on its own.

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a little confused.

Does he go out multiple times a month and one of those times he gets so drunk that he passes out & doesn't come home?

Or, once a month, he goes out & gets drunk & passes out & doesn't come home?

Because if it's the former, that's HUGE problem. But if it's the latter, how come you don't just assume he's not coming home? (since he never does)

sorry, for me, going MIA (not even calling!) once a month is not acceptable either.

as for the affair poster, perhaps, but it seems more likely her DH has a serious drinking problem. If an affair, there is usually forethought, planning, and lies.
sorry OP, i would be livid, but also, focusing on the very real possibility of serious alcoholism. Binge drinking to that extent, even once a month is a real problem.

I am the affair poster. He doesn't need to go to a friend's house to get drunk and pass out. He can and would be doing it at home if he had a serious drinking problem.

He is lying - saying he forgot to call, just couldn't drive home bc he was too drunk, etc.

Really, he is having an affair. It doesn't get more simple than that.

Do pps never get a guys weekend or a girls weekend? Just curious. I guess i dont see the big deal if in advance it is agreed..."oh you are staying at petes tonight or oh you are staying with sarah? Can you please be home by x hour and bring me a coffee? "

Ops situation is totally different.and not ok though.

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Ok, honestly, I don't think crashing at a friends house is that bad.
All the PP's that have listed the number of years married, follow by a "never" -- Are you saying that your SO has literally NEVER crashed at a friends house? Or are you saying that they've never done the OP's exact situation (passing out, not calling, worrying the SO)?

Passing out, drunk, and not calling to inform you of said state, is f*&#$'ing bullsh*t. I would be pissed. Once a month? Jesus christ.

If my SO, however, was having a 'guys night', bachelor party, college friend in town, etc etc... and either pre-planned a "sleepover" or called me at a reasonable hour to let me know, I honestly wouldn't care. It's the frequency, clear alcoholism, and rude inconsideration of the OP's H that gets me so mad.

I'm one of the never PPs. DH has never gotten so drunk he's been unable to get himself home, never gone out with friends and not come home, never stayed out more than an hour later than I'm expecting him without calling or texting that he's fine, just late. I'd be livid if the entire scenario happened once, before we had a kid. Once a month with a baby? Oh hell no.

My husband did this. And we are divorced, by the grace of God!!!

No, not in the 13 years we've lived together or the 19 years we've been together.

Your husband is an alcoholic and/or having an affair.

I think what stands out is the fact that he doesn't text or call you. If he's THAT drunk that he can't even formulate a text....then it sounds like he has a problem.

But honestly, I had a friend cheating on her DH. Apparently she had it worked out with another friend that she would always say she "crashed there because she drank too much" to her DH and her friend would cover if her DH ever called her house.

She was with her boyfriend and would never text and say her phone died, she was too drunk, it was late before she remembered and didn't want to wake him, etc etc.

I'm a little confused.

Does he go out multiple times a month and one of those times he gets so drunk that he passes out & doesn't come home?

Or, once a month, he goes out & gets drunk & passes out & doesn't come home?

Because if it's the former, that's HUGE problem. But if it's the latter, how come you don't just assume he's not coming home? (since he never does)

sorry, for me, going MIA (not even calling!) once a month is not acceptable either.

as for the affair poster, perhaps, but it seems more likely her DH has a serious drinking problem. If an affair, there is usually forethought, planning, and lies.

sorry OP, i would be livid, but also, focusing on the very real possibility of serious alcoholism. Binge drinking to that extent, even once a month is a real problem.