Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read through this whole thread. I cannot begin to imagine how one could reconcile after an affair. I would never let my spouse touch me, could not bear to hear the details of the affair, could not tolerate it for a moment. The things PPs have described would destroy me, and certainly there is no way a relationship with my husband could continue after such a profound betrayal.

OP, you sound done. It's the final break that's so painful. I think you are ready. If not, then get thee to a therapist who can help you get out of this situation. You sound put together, and your DH not so much. You do have to have a good relationship with him for the sake of your child, and you can have that, but you sound ready to move on. Second marriages only work when you understand what went wrong in the first marriage, ie what your part was, even if it was wallflower, doormat, turning a blind eye, whatever. If you've got that figured out, you are moving in the right direction. It sounds like your DH has a long way to go in that department. Your child will get over the pain of the separation since s/he is young. It's hard OP, but I wish you the best. It sounds like you have the mental toughness to get through it.

The problem with this line of thinking is that you don't realize that when an affair happens, often, the marriage is in bad shape. Usually because the cheater has some coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms that over time start to cause trouble. Not that it is all the cheater's fault for the decline in marriage (though it is 100% the cheater's fault that he cheated. There are other options). So you have a down marriage, then the affair, which rips the marriage apart. After my husband's affair, we were both forced to confront things and I grew but he especially, he stepped up. It would have been easy to leave him pre-affair and during the affair. After the affair? That was when we recovered true intimacy, that was when he was ready to let me see all of him, his whole self. It's messed up but it took the affair to make him realize what love wasn't, and then later, what it was.

I don't expect you to understand but as painful as the affair and the aftermath was, the rebuilding was totally worth it. Our marriage is totally different now. It would have been nice to have a less difficult way of getting here, but at the end of the day, I'm glad we're here.

OP again. I really enjoyed reading this -- I'm happy that you both were able to grow and learn. It takes some folks longer to unpack their baggage, that I understand. With me, he's starting to making me stressed out by just being around him. I get an almost-anxiety attack and it is not healthy. The stress is aging me and making a sick. I'm getting to the point where I am having a hard time functioning but it could be much worse, I could be stuck on a carnival cruise. I try to be positive but I really want him to leave. He is stalling. Hardcore. I think he has a deep rooted fear of abandonment. I wish he'd be graceful about this. That is asking too much.

Anonymous wrote:I just read through this whole thread. I cannot begin to imagine how one could reconcile after an affair. I would never let my spouse touch me, could not bear to hear the details of the affair, could not tolerate it for a moment. The things PPs have described would destroy me, and certainly there is no way a relationship with my husband could continue after such a profound betrayal.

OP, you sound done. It's the final break that's so painful. I think you are ready. If not, then get thee to a therapist who can help you get out of this situation. You sound put together, and your DH not so much. You do have to have a good relationship with him for the sake of your child, and you can have that, but you sound ready to move on. Second marriages only work when you understand what went wrong in the first marriage, ie what your part was, even if it was wallflower, doormat, turning a blind eye, whatever. If you've got that figured out, you are moving in the right direction. It sounds like your DH has a long way to go in that department. Your child will get over the pain of the separation since s/he is young. It's hard OP, but I wish you the best. It sounds like you have the mental toughness to get through it.

The problem with this line of thinking is that you don't realize that when an affair happens, often, the marriage is in bad shape. Usually because the cheater has some coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms that over time start to cause trouble. Not that it is all the cheater's fault for the decline in marriage (though it is 100% the cheater's fault that he cheated. There are other options). So you have a down marriage, then the affair, which rips the marriage apart. After my husband's affair, we were both forced to confront things and I grew but he especially, he stepped up. It would have been easy to leave him pre-affair and during the affair. After the affair? That was when we recovered true intimacy, that was when he was ready to let me see all of him, his whole self. It's messed up but it took the affair to make him realize what love wasn't, and then later, what it was.

I don't expect you to understand but as painful as the affair and the aftermath was, the rebuilding was totally worth it. Our marriage is totally different now. It would have been nice to have a less difficult way of getting here, but at the end of the day, I'm glad we're here.

Anonymous wrote:I just read through this whole thread. I cannot begin to imagine how one could reconcile after an affair. I would never let my spouse touch me, could not bear to hear the details of the affair, could not tolerate it for a moment. The things PPs have described would destroy me, and certainly there is no way a relationship with my husband could continue after such a profound betrayal.

OP, you sound done. It's the final break that's so painful. I think you are ready. If not, then get thee to a therapist who can help you get out of this situation. You sound put together, and your DH not so much. You do have to have a good relationship with him for the sake of your child, and you can have that, but you sound ready to move on. Second marriages only work when you understand what went wrong in the first marriage, ie what your part was, even if it was wallflower, doormat, turning a blind eye, whatever. If you've got that figured out, you are moving in the right direction. It sounds like your DH has a long way to go in that department. Your child will get over the pain of the separation since s/he is young. It's hard OP, but I wish you the best. It sounds like you have the mental toughness to get through it.

I could only respect this way of thinking if you had, in fact, divorced your husband after an affair. I was once you: absolutely convinced I would not stand for such a violation of trust. But reality is much different from the hypothetical.

Based on my husband's affairs (what I thought I'd do "if he ever" vs. what I actually did), I make sure to never advise a person, one way or another, on what to do in their relationship. It is almost never as simple as it seems.

I just read through this whole thread. I cannot begin to imagine how one could reconcile after an affair. I would never let my spouse touch me, could not bear to hear the details of the affair, could not tolerate it for a moment. The things PPs have described would destroy me, and certainly there is no way a relationship with my husband could continue after such a profound betrayal.

OP, you sound done. It's the final break that's so painful. I think you are ready. If not, then get thee to a therapist who can help you get out of this situation. You sound put together, and your DH not so much. You do have to have a good relationship with him for the sake of your child, and you can have that, but you sound ready to move on. Second marriages only work when you understand what went wrong in the first marriage, ie what your part was, even if it was wallflower, doormat, turning a blind eye, whatever. If you've got that figured out, you are moving in the right direction. It sounds like your DH has a long way to go in that department. Your child will get over the pain of the separation since s/he is young. It's hard OP, but I wish you the best. It sounds like you have the mental toughness to get through it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, how is your sex life? I ask because I think that would be the hardest part for me. I would always wonder if he's thinking about the other woman, does he really love and want me. I don't think I could open myself up to him again emotionally after an affair.

I'm the pp whose husband had a year long affair w/ coworker. I could not be intimate with DH at the beginning. I would try, but my imagination would run wild thinking of all the things he did with the OW. I'd completely get turned off during the act and have to tell him to stop. To his credit, my DH did not push me on this issue. Despite having these terrible things running in my head, we did keep trying and eventually (I want to say within a few weeks) I was able to "finish" with DH. The thoughts still ran in my head for sure, but they weren't intrusive enough that I had to call a halt to things.

A friend of mine had an affair and told me something that helped me. While affair sex is new and release of pent up stuff and forbidden and all of those things, it's also two normal, every day people having sex. It's not a movie set with perfect lighting and make up and great camera angles. Especially if it's going on for months, she said it got to the point where even when the sex was good there was no way to avoid some awkwardness that starts to set in once the initial rush and infatuation start to wear off.

Not saying that took away my pain and dispair but it did help cut through some of the black and white thinking of what had happened. DH's sex face is DH's sex face. I doubt that got more glamorous during an affair. Ultimately, my friend, DH, and DH's other woman all went back to their spouses. At the end of the day it was an escape but if you look at the people who recover from affairs, people tend to welcome and even pine for and appreciate the reality of marriage. I'm not going to compare myself to illicit affair sex, but there is something to be said for real intimacy. Like I said, doesn't make it all go away but helped me accept that affairs eventually meet reality too.

Anonymous wrote:PP, how is your sex life? I ask because I think that would be the hardest part for me. I would always wonder if he's thinking about the other woman, does he really love and want me. I don't think I could open myself up to him again emotionally after an affair.

I'm the pp whose husband had a year long affair w/ coworker. I could not be intimate with DH at the beginning. I would try, but my imagination would run wild thinking of all the things he did with the OW. I'd completely get turned off during the act and have to tell him to stop. To his credit, my DH did not push me on this issue. Despite having these terrible things running in my head, we did keep trying and eventually (I want to say within a few weeks) I was able to "finish" with DH. The thoughts still ran in my head for sure, but they weren't intrusive enough that I had to call a halt to things.

Anonymous wrote:Male cheating's not a big deal. If he's good as a husband and father that's what matters. Any desirable guy will have female admirers, and he has a biological need to have sex.

Is female cheating a big deal?

OP here. He shows remorse the further I pull away. It's like he'll only become better if he knows I'm thinking of completely leaving him.

He isn't upfront or willing to share. It's like he's trying to minimize that pain and not deal with it.

This is not that person I thought he was. I am always straight forward and tell the truth, I can't even imagine carrying on with two different men. I can barely handle one! My heart has always been in the right place with my marriage however I think about a future either alone (which sounds so great to me) or with a person that doesn't hate themselves and forces everything around to be shitty because of their deep self loathing.

I don't think he is worth the marital work. He can't even take care of himself, put things away when he's done, learn how to cook for himself or budget money appropriately. It's all very sad, but I'm tired. I don't want to keep picking up thes bullshit puzzle pieces of this man that has no desire to better himself."

It sounds like he is underfunctioning (depressive? alcoholic? ADD?), realizes he can't provide you what you need, and is being avoidant and passive aggressive about dealing with it. And he has low self-esteem. That's why he can't apologize in a way that is effective and meaningful - he can't admit to his failures and take responsibility. I was married to someone like this. He is really going to have to push himself to do the work and make changes if he is going to be in a functional marriage.

PP, because some people love producing chaos and drama.

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a two year affair (was sexual on and off for about 14 months - the thing about affairs is they usually start and stop at least a few times, they are hard to untangle from, they become an addiction). She was also married and had kids. It was a nightmare of epic proportions, but I got through it. We got through it. We stayed, and our marriage grew. I don't think an affair is the best way to grow and face problems and move to a better marriage, but it can happen.

This woman's experience....completely captures so much of my mine (though I was never a mistress like she was, and my husband's affair was a year shorter, and I actually had to get up and go to work in addition to being a mom, to this day, I'm not sure how I did it, but I did). I don't expect anyone to understand, but I don't judge anyone for either staying or going: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/O-Magazines-True-Story-of-Womans-Journey-to-Getting-Over-Infidelity

Just finished reading the article. Why on Earth did he tell her?.. Everything was over, and the other woman was married, and would never come out...

I would end it. I just wouldn't want to be with a man who when times get rough he runs to the arms of another woman. My own father cheated on my mom when I young and again when I was in college. They may act right for several years and then out of the blue decide to act up again.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He shows remorse the further I pull away. It's like he'll only become better if he knows I'm thinking of completely leaving him.

He isn't upfront or willing to share. It's like he's trying to minimize that pain and not deal with it.

This is not that person I thought he was. I am always straight forward and tell the truth, I can't even imagine carrying on with two different men. I can barely handle one! My heart has always been in the right place with my marriage however I think about a future either alone (which sounds so great to me) or with a person that doesn't hate themselves and forces everything around to be shitty because of their deep self loathing.

I don't think he is worth the marital work. He can't even take care of himself, put things away when he's done, learn how to cook for himself or budget money appropriately. It's all very sad, but I'm tired. I don't want to keep picking up thes bullshit puzzle pieces of this man that has no desire to better himself.

It sounds like your marriage was on the rocks (and with good reason) and the affair was just what you needed (for the lack of a better word) to end it.

OP again. I can't have enjoyable sex without an emotional connection or component. There is none here.

OP here. He shows remorse the further I pull away. It's like he'll only become better if he knows I'm thinking of completely leaving him.

He isn't upfront or willing to share. It's like he's trying to minimize that pain and not deal with it.

This is not that person I thought he was. I am always straight forward and tell the truth, I can't even imagine carrying on with two different men. I can barely handle one! My heart has always been in the right place with my marriage however I think about a future either alone (which sounds so great to me) or with a person that doesn't hate themselves and forces everything around to be shitty because of their deep self loathing.

I don't think he is worth the marital work. He can't even take care of himself, put things away when he's done, learn how to cook for himself or budget money appropriately. It's all very sad, but I'm tired. I don't want to keep picking up thes bullshit puzzle pieces of this man that has no desire to better himself.

PP, how is your sex life? I ask because I think that would be the hardest part for me. I would always wonder if he's thinking about the other woman, does he really love and want me. I don't think I could open myself up to him again emotionally after an affair.