OP - Thanks for the update. Your wife doesn't seem very bright. Gotta wonder why you married her.

OP here.

Came to close the loop, since I hate it when people ask for advice and then never tell us what happens. It's like watching a movie and leaving before the ending.

In any case, talked it over with the wife and we agreed that there's two basic drivers here - 1. She hates her job with the fury of a thousand fire ants, 2. She would like to spend more time with the kids. But on balance, the real reason she wants to jump off a cliff is #1, and we decided that before we go and quit - and perhaps do something that is somewhat irreversible, we should at least feel like we've exhausted other avenues. Moreover, digging deeper, its clear the commute and general inflexibility of her job is whats driving the frustration.

With that, she's going to double down on looking for something closer in to NWDC (anyone hiring? ) and we'll see how that goes. If in a few months we are still in the same boat, we'll reassess.

For the most part the responses on this thread were thoughtful and I just want to say thanks for those of you that took the time to write something out. Clearly, it isn't a cut and dry decision - and boy is it a thorny topic apparently - but the context from others was helpful in framing my thought process and trying to better understand the root problems.

Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe focus on your kids and how having mom around full time will be great for them? I find it a little strange that OP wrote out his extensive post including numbered bullets and the net benefit of having his children cared for by their mother instead of a hired caregiver wasn't part of the equation.

Maybe because some of us don't consider that enough of a benefit to list?

Really? I am a professional working woman with advanced education and I find this statement offensive. Even I can see "benefits" to my being the one to care for my child day in and day out. This is why I created a maternity leave for myself that allowed me to unplug 100% from work. It's why I switched jobs so I could have the flexibility to maximize my time with my child. I've weighed the benefits of me being a full time or part time SAHM against the benefits of having my son cared for by people who are trained in early childhood, and the financial opportunity and security I can create for my family by being a part of the workforce.

Why can't we all just admit and accept that each family, each husband and wife, have to decide what THEIR priorities are, what is right for THEIR family, what will make THEM happy, and then move boldly forward with the choices they've made and work together to make the best life they can for their family, regardless? Do all of you making snarky, critical comments about others choices accept such snark and criticism when it is directed at you? Of course not. If you want to share with OP your RESPECTFUL opinion/feedback about the choices you've made and how they work for you, so that he can consider different perspectives, great. Otherwise, do please shut up. It is so tiresome to see threads like this, especially one so respectfully and thoughtfully written as OP's, devolve into this kind of childish, small-minded, and petty pablum.

You're the one that is bringing this down. the pp that you bolded did just that. She said SOME of us don't consider that enough of a benefit to list. Your response? Even I can see "benefits" to my being the one to care for my child day in and day out. You're the one that added snark and not able to "admit and accept that each family...decided THEIR priorities. EVEN YOU...can see benefits? That implies that the pp who said SOME OF US don't see the benefits is an idiot for not seeing benefits because EVEN YOU are able to see the benefits. You are the one bringing snark and criticism to this topic, NOT the pp.

Well, I disagree, but perhaps I read the comment wrong. It's hard to decipher intent sometimes. To me, that comment came across as a put down and a judgment on people who do consider being the primary caretaker of their children to be of greater benefit to their families than working outside the home. If I was wrong about the intent, I apologize. But I stand by paragraph two. These threads quickly devolve into childish insults and flaming which belies the deep ambivalence and insecurity that many feel about their own choices. People need to stop worrying about others' choices and stop seeing those choices as a condemnation of their own. Truth be told, I really could not care less what anyone else chooses to do. And no one here should be this emotionally invested in what OP and his DW choose to do, though it's clear some are. And I find that sad and petty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. What kind of man are you? If you can't take care of your family on 6 figures then you aren't much of a man. Heck you don't even need that much. My husband would never make me work at a job I hated. I don't care if he made 30,000 a year- he would make it work so I could be happy.

I work because I want to. If I don't want to then I will stop. My husband does not need me to take care of our family financially but he appreciates whatever I want to do. And we are not rich or wealthy.

Sounds like you should have married one of the manly women on here who are sure to come to your defense and call your wife lazy. Or maybe you should have married your paycheck.

It doesn't matter...you are still acting like a punk.

Doubt you're an NP. Regardless, you're totally pathetic. Why do you need someone to take care of you? Oh, right--because you can't do it on your own. I'm sure he's quite happy he didn't marry a dumb little shrew like you.

+100

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe focus on your kids and how having mom around full time will be great for them? I find it a little strange that OP wrote out his extensive post including numbered bullets and the net benefit of having his children cared for by their mother instead of a hired caregiver wasn't part of the equation.

Maybe because some of us don't consider that enough of a benefit to list?

Really? I am a professional working woman with advanced education and I find this statement offensive. Even I can see "benefits" to my being the one to care for my child day in and day out. This is why I created a maternity leave for myself that allowed me to unplug 100% from work. It's why I switched jobs so I could have the flexibility to maximize my time with my child. I've weighed the benefits of me being a full time or part time SAHM against the benefits of having my son cared for by people who are trained in early childhood, and the financial opportunity and security I can create for my family by being a part of the workforce.

Why can't we all just admit and accept that each family, each husband and wife, have to decide what THEIR priorities are, what is right for THEIR family, what will make THEM happy, and then move boldly forward with the choices they've made and work together to make the best life they can for their family, regardless? Do all of you making snarky, critical comments about others choices accept such snark and criticism when it is directed at you? Of course not. If you want to share with OP your RESPECTFUL opinion/feedback about the choices you've made and how they work for you, so that he can consider different perspectives, great. Otherwise, do please shut up. It is so tiresome to see threads like this, especially one so respectfully and thoughtfully written as OP's, devolve into this kind of childish, small-minded, and petty pablum.

You're the one that is bringing this down. the pp that you bolded did just that. She said SOME of us don't consider that enough of a benefit to list. Your response? Even I can see "benefits" to my being the one to care for my child day in and day out. You're the one that added snark and not able to "admit and accept that each family...decided THEIR priorities. EVEN YOU...can see benefits? That implies that the pp who said SOME OF US don't see the benefits is an idiot for not seeing benefits because EVEN YOU are able to see the benefits. You are the one bringing snark and criticism to this topic, NOT the pp.

10:31, it's not respectful to say that some parents do not regard having a parent caregiver versus a hired one as a benefit valuable enough to list? Some families obviously DO value having a parent as the 24/7 caregiver and I have no issue with that at all. But the truth is that for some families, it's not a valuable benefit.

OP, I agree with the PPs who have said it's really important for you and your wife to talk about what it is she really wants - does she truly want to stay home or is it more about getting out of a job that's making her unhappy? I have been a SAHM for about six months now and while it was the right decision for us, it is a huge change to make and one that isn't all fun and play dates. We found making pro and con lists for both staying home and staying at work really helpful as we talked things through, and we also went through our expenses item by item as we thought about what we could and couldn't afford. There's no perfect one-size-fits-all solution for every family - good luck figuring out what will work for you!

Anonymous wrote:

I would venture to say most if not all of the "do it!" comments here are from SAHMs who have not reentered the workforce yet or don't plan to (or would like to and won't be able to).

Guy here and an early "do it" poster yesterday. There is a lot of thoughtful input here, but I will say again it is overblown and just not true that SAHM's will never work again. I've dropped out of the rat race and have got back in just fine, as have many friends. There are many considerations for OP and his wife but the oh-so-dreadful notion of having to volunteer or accept an initialy low salary after a child rearing hiatus should not be at the top of the list. If money is the only thing that matters I doubt OP would ask us to "help me get comfortable."

It's easier for guys to get back in.

^^^^^
Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe focus on your kids and how having mom around full time will be great for them? I find it a little strange that OP wrote out his extensive post including numbered bullets and the net benefit of having his children cared for by their mother instead of a hired caregiver wasn't part of the equation.

Maybe because some of us don't consider that enough of a benefit to list?

Really? I am a professional working woman with advanced education and I find this statement offensive. Even I can see "benefits" to my being the one to care for my child day in and day out. This is why I created a maternity leave for myself that allowed me to unplug 100% from work. It's why I switched jobs so I could have the flexibility to maximize my time with my child. I've weighed the benefits of me being a full time or part time SAHM against the benefits of having my son cared for by people who are trained in early childhood, and the financial opportunity and security I can create for my family by being a part of the workforce.

Why can't we all just admit and accept that each family, each husband and wife, have to decide what THEIR priorities are, what is right for THEIR family, what will make THEM happy, and then move boldly forward with the choices they've made and work together to make the best life they can for their family, regardless? Do all of you making snarky, critical comments about others choices accept such snark and criticism when it is directed at you? Of course not. If you want to share with OP your RESPECTFUL opinion/feedback about the choices you've made and how they work for you, so that he can consider different perspectives, great. Otherwise, do please shut up. It is so tiresome to see threads like this, especially one so respectfully and thoughtfully written as OP's, devolve into this kind of childish, small-minded, and petty pablum.

I would venture to say most if not all of the "do it!" comments here are from SAHMs who have not reentered the workforce yet or don't plan to (or would like to and won't be able to).

Guy here and an early "do it" poster yesterday. There is a lot of thoughtful input here, but I will say again it is overblown and just not true that SAHM's will never work again. I've dropped out of the rat race and have got back in just fine, as have many friends. There are many considerations for OP and his wife but the oh-so-dreadful notion of having to volunteer or accept an initialy low salary after a child rearing hiatus should not be at the top of the list. If money is the only thing that matters I doubt OP would ask us to "help me get comfortable."

Anonymous wrote:Maybe focus on your kids and how having mom around full time will be great for them? I find it a little strange that OP wrote out his extensive post including numbered bullets and the net benefit of having his children cared for by their mother instead of a hired caregiver wasn't part of the equation.

Because it's not always better. You can tell yourself it is, but it isn't. At least not once they're over a year old.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the SAHMs will say yes - they're wrong. Trust me.

Elaborate.

If a SAHM didn't believe it was the right decision, she wouldn't have done it. I would venture to say most if not all of the "do it!" comments here are from SAHMs who have not reentered the workforce yet or don't plan to (or would like to and won't be able to). The issue is what others here have stated - it changes the relationship dynamic and puts more professional pressure on the earner, which is hard. When the kids are in school - what happens? What does she do all day? I know a number of SAHMs who have ended up divorced (as a result of the relationship inequality created by the provider/providee thing) and then can't get jobs. One I know who has a number of degrees, from varied high-level institutions, volunteered for a year at a company and was just offered a part-time position paying $40k. She's brilliant, but made her choice and now has to live with the lifelong professional consequences.

Clearly the answer here is that your wife needs a new job.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe focus on your kids and how having mom around full time will be great for them? I find it a little strange that OP wrote out his extensive post including numbered bullets and the net benefit of having his children cared for by their mother instead of a hired caregiver wasn't part of the equation.

Maybe because some of us don't consider that enough of a benefit to list?

Anonymous wrote:I stayed home for 8 years and it was great for the whole family. Sure it was a bit harder to get back into the workforce but I did. Don't live in fear!

Making six figures, or quite a bit less?