I think a lot of people who ask questions like these are either insecure in their marriage or their relationship with their children.

OP here and the original post wasn't about the actual physical needs of my kids or my husband. Of course if my kids are hurt or hungry I will take car of them first because my husband can care for himself. When I'm saying is I'm not going to cancel a date night with my husband because I feel guilty about leaving my kids. Believe me when I say that my kids are very well and happy. I believe part of that is because they see mommy and daddy having such a good time together. The relationship I have with my husband is so much more important to me than the relationship I have with my kids.[/quote

I can't relate to anything you're saying,OP. There is really no comparison for me. I unconditionally love my son. He is my absolute priority and my husband completely understands and supports this. Makes me think your bond with your children is weak or nonexistent.

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband more than my kids. He's the one who helps me get through the day and give me what I need to keep my sanity. Or family is wonderful and happy and healthy, but this would not be the case if I didn't put my husband first or he didn't put me first. Kids need to understand from a young age that they are not always the center of attention.

But your husband is always the center of attention?

Sometimes my husband's needs come first. Sometimes my child's needs come first. As I wrote in a prior post, it's not a contest. This feels like an artificial dichotomy to me. OP, are you sure you're not Ayelet Waldman?

Ayelet? Is that you?

It's not a contest.

I didn't read all of the responses before putting my own two cents in, so please accept my apologies if I'm repeating anything others have said.

My husband and I make our marriage and each other a priority, then, as a united front, family is a priority for us together.

Putting each other first, allows us to prioritize everything else, together, and I feel like our kids receive more love as a result. Not to mention, they are seeing first hand, a strong healthy marriage, partnership and friendship, which I believe will be great for them in the long run as well.

Anonymous wrote:This has been asked and answered multiple times on DCUM.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/71936.page

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/202520.page#1970547


I responded that I love my husband more and got chastised for it.

Ha! No wonder I was getting a weird deja vu feeling while reading this post.

I love my husband more than my kids. He's the one who helps me get through the day and give me what I need to keep my sanity. Or family is wonderful and happy and healthy, but this would not be the case if I didn't put my husband first or he didn't put me first. Kids need to understand from a young age that they are not always the center of attention.

Anonymous wrote:Husband. That doesn't mean I neglect my kids. It just means that my marriage is a priority. It isn't about love, love may be limitless but time and resources (energy) aren't. The way I divide my time and resources shows that my marriage is a priority.

If my husband and I are having a conversation and my child wants a snack, my child has learned that he doesn't immediately become the priority. He can wait until we are finished talking because my conversation with my DH is important.

We make dedicated time to spend together in the evening to talk about the day, sometimes for intimacy, sometimes just to talk about if the others needs are being met.

My husband knows through word and action that I respect him as a man, as a husband and as a father. He makes me feel the same way. This leads to us both doing things to make the other happy, to meet the others needs, and to making the marriage a priority.

This! Good post!

This is an interesting thread when you read in the context of all the EA threads. So, there are women who put their kids' needs before their DH's. That's fine if that is the life you have chosen. But I do wonder how many of these same women would blame the DH for having an EA and "taking energy from the marriage." Seems to me that a DH would be within his rights to get his emotional and intimacy needs met somewhere else if it is not a priority to his DW.

I admit that last sentence was meant to stir the pot. My point is that there is a balance that we should all strive to get to. Clearly, the kids are a top priority...but not to the detriment of every other relationship in your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you understand marriage and parenthood as long-term relationships with priorities that change over time, then there is no simple answer to the question.

When the kids are young, the kids first. They need you for survival, then for lots of guidance and protection. As they age, they become more capable of caring for themselves. BUT, THEY ARE ALWAYS YOUR CHILDREN. ALWAYS. Marriages end, your status as a parent does not.

When the kids are older and more independent, then the marriage/spouse take up more time and energy.

I would hope that DH would also put the kids first before me when the kids are young. That is what makes me happy as his wife.

Frankly, I see the resentful DHs as stunted emotionally. Do not compete with your wife for your (young) children's time and energy, especially if you have an infant. Once the kids are in school, yes, your priorities change. But so long as you have a baby at home, both parents should be focusing their energies on the child.

Er...ok...so DH should expect to be sexless for how many years? What planet are you from?

They way you understood that line says more about your marriage than mine. It's not hard to be reasonable. Do not expect sex from your wife if she's been up every two hours nursing your baby. Try to be understanding when she's been having a hard day. Don't just offer help--or wait for her to ask to do something around the house. Do the dishes, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, take the other kids out every Saturday morning for a few hours--without her having to ask you. No one is saying that the baby needs to be a year old before you have sex, but if she's not up for sex every weekend night, don't whine about it. Why don't you offer to pleasure her, with no pressure for her to reciprocate? She might surprise you.

I really think it's a balancing act and a bit of a double edged sword. If you focus solely on the children and don't put effort in to your marriage, it will likely fail. If you focus on your marriage, chances are your spouse is more likely to play a larger role with the children. I guess I just answered the question right there, marriage first.

I've had to shift my focus to my spouse recently. We do have small children but our marriage came dangerously close to failure last year. Putting our focus back on one another allows us to work together as a husband/wife to one another as well as parents to our children.

I don't think it's possible for me to quantify the love I have for my spouse vs my children. They are different types of love. For me, it would be like trying to compare apples to oranges, there is no comparison.

Anonymous wrote:If you understand marriage and parenthood as long-term relationships with priorities that change over time, then there is no simple answer to the question.

When the kids are young, the kids first. They need you for survival, then for lots of guidance and protection. As they age, they become more capable of caring for themselves. BUT, THEY ARE ALWAYS YOUR CHILDREN. ALWAYS. Marriages end, your status as a parent does not.

When the kids are older and more independent, then the marriage/spouse take up more time and energy.

I would hope that DH would also put the kids first before me when the kids are young. That is what makes me happy as his wife.

Frankly, I see the resentful DHs as stunted emotionally. Do not compete with your wife for your (young) children's time and energy, especially if you have an infant. Once the kids are in school, yes, your priorities change. But so long as you have a baby at home, both parents should be focusing their energies on the child.

Er...ok...so DH should expect to be sexless for how many years? What planet are you from?

If you understand marriage and parenthood as long-term relationships with priorities that change over time, then there is no simple answer to the question.

When the kids are young, the kids first. They need you for survival, then for lots of guidance and protection. As they age, they become more capable of caring for themselves. BUT, THEY ARE ALWAYS YOUR CHILDREN. ALWAYS. Marriages end, your status as a parent does not.

When the kids are older and more independent, then the marriage/spouse take up more time and energy.

I would hope that DH would also put the kids first before me when the kids are young. That is what makes me happy as his wife.

Frankly, I see the resentful DHs as stunted emotionally. Do not compete with your wife for your (young) children's time and energy, especially if you have an infant. Once the kids are in school, yes, your priorities change. But so long as you have a baby at home, both parents should be focusing their energies on the child.

Anonymous wrote:

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now, if push comes to shove, then my kid. But that is just because he is a kid (i.e., small innocent child). The answer ofcourse will change as he grows up and becomes more independent.

It's easy to say that but figure that it will be at least until the child drives before he/she is truely independent enough for you to put that plan into action. There is always something to do or somewhere to take them. Hopefully by the time that arrives in another decade or so your marriage will have survived the way you want it to and you and your spouse aren't just two people occupying the same house.
Do what you have to to keep your marriage strong now and then in 10 years you won't have to try to reconnect.

This coming from the idiot who believes swinging will strengthen your marriage. Please.

If swinging is the method you choose to keep connected then so be it. However what I said in my post doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sex. Keep connected with your spouse, talk to them about things other than what is on the kids scedule for the weekend. Try and date your husband or wife if not once a week then regularly. Set aside time for each other, be willing to tell the kids that they have to wait a few minutes to get that drink because mommy and daddy are talking. Show your spouse that you still care for them as a person, friend, and yes even lover and not the the co-parent of your children. Keep that connection alive now and then when the kids all leave you won't have to reconnect later. Plus your children will hopefully have better relationships with their own spouses because you will have shown them what it takes to have a good marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes first. I adore all five of my kids. But we put each others needs above our kids. Obviously, I respond to a child who needs me immediately. But overall, my marriage comes first. Healthy marriage= happy kids.

Married 25 years. Five kids. Three in college. Two almost there. Kids grow up and leave home. Marriage is forever.

I agree 100•/°

Don't know too many marriags that are forever these days. Isn't divorce in the U.S. over 50%?

Mine has lasted 25 years in part because we put each other first. The divorce rate in the U.S. is high. And in reading some of these posts, I can see why. If you put the needs of your children above the needs of your spouse and marriage, you will join that statistic.

Husband. That doesn't mean I neglect my kids. It just means that my marriage is a priority. It isn't about love, love may be limitless but time and resources (energy) aren't. The way I divide my time and resources shows that my marriage is a priority.

If my husband and I are having a conversation and my child wants a snack, my child has learned that he doesn't immediately become the priority. He can wait until we are finished talking because my conversation with my DH is important.

We make dedicated time to spend together in the evening to talk about the day, sometimes for intimacy, sometimes just to talk about if the others needs are being met.

My husband knows through word and action that I respect him as a man, as a husband and as a father. He makes me feel the same way. This leads to us both doing things to make the other happy, to meet the others needs, and to making the marriage a priority.