OP, tell her ~ Mom, you're allowed to mention it 1 time a year.
After that, it's rude.

Don't make it a topic of discussion op. Don't stir the pot.

I'm guessing you must. Somehow.

I moved cross country. My parents were bummed but understood the need to move for housing and work. My parents moved out of the damn country when I was a kid, lol, so they should totally get it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not unsympathetic to my mom. I too would like it if she could easily attend the preschool Christmas pagent or pop over for dinner on a weeknight. This is how it was for her/her mother. Sounds like heaven to me. I guess that's why it bothers me - because part of me wants what she wants too and it just makes me feel like crap when she makes a comment. In Richmond in particular, its more common for adult children to move back - and less common for them to move away. So most of her friends have their kids/grandkids around.

Sometimes I wonder if we are placing too much importance on DH's salary/growth potential and not enough emphasis on family?

I'm from Richmond. My parents are still there & we live in the District. I don't think it's entirely true that Richmonders of our generation all move back. Most of my childhood friends do NOT live there anymore despite the fact that their parents do. My mom has many friends with out of town grandkids.
But, more importantly, Richmond is an easy day trip or even trip for dinner, which my parents do on occasion. They can also quite easily attend preschool events etc with minor planning. It's all about timing the traffic. NEVER try to leave town (DC) btwn 3:30-7pm on a weekday & when coming from Richmond, plan to drive any time after morning rush. Figure out HOV lane times & make a plan.
Amtrak is also cheap & easy to Richmond if yoy must travel at rush hour.

Sorry OP,

I can't relate at all.

My family and my husband's family live in Europe and Asia.

We see them less than once a year.

DH here. The point about the lower socioeconomic biase hit home. I married my DW and after the fact she refused to leave her Mom. Had incredible opportunities on the west coast - wife just completely ignored them. I used to think my DW felt guilty because she had the opportunity to live a nice upper middle class lifestyle while her Mom was working poor. Have posted on other threads about her Mom refusing to move from lower class urban neighborhood because she doesn't drive.

I will caution my son to look very close at his DWs relationship with her Mom. Mine didn't seem to close until after the wedding. Shrewd old goat my MIL. Looking back I marvel at how naive I was. I was the only one working (DW stayed at him, MIL retired) and yet they tell me where to live.
Ypu would think there would be gratitude ; none and again I blame it on their SES. So worried about everyone else - who gives a shit.

your mom just loves you and wants to be near you and the grandkids. I don't think she is trying to make you feel guilty just wishful

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Richmond is a 90 minute drive. You need to tell her to get over it.

I second this. When I saw this post, I was thinking of a situation where the parents live at least 4 or so hours from DC. I really feel for those whose parents are on the West Coast.

I am 9 hours from home. My father died 3 months after I made the move. I can understand why my mother would like me to move at least closer. That said, she understands that I am where I need to be at this point in my life and my career. I do peruse the job postings within about 3 hours of home though and consider any of them that might work, but so far nothing is quite what I'm looking for.

Your mom can deal with 90 minutes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. From where we are in NoVa to where she is in Richmond, its more like 2h15m in "perfect" traffic and in bad traffic (like when we go down this Saturday) it will probably take us 4 hours.

4 hours? That's ridiculous. Change the time you leave, at a minimum.

For real. I used to commute to Richmond for work weekly for years. You are highly exaggerating.

You get from downtown BALTIMORE to downtown Richmond in around three hours. Four if you hit crappy traffic. Suck it up, snowflake.

My family all lives in Canada (western) - 8-10 hour flight itinerary with mandatory connection, or 45 hr drive. Of course your family can long for the impromptu Wednesday night dinner or Saturday morning sports practice, but bringing it up often is passive aggressive and I'd tell your mom how it makes you feel. I also think she could use some perspective - there are some of us raising kids truly "far" from family. She can drive up more if she's finding it hard.

A lot of places really just don't have decent jobs, though.

We tried to find something for my husband to get closer to his family. The jobs in his field were very few and far between. And I sure as hell was not being moved to the places in his home state where he might be able to find more jobs in his field (big military areas near NOTHING else)

Life also just costs more now and anyone educated doesn't really want to move to a declining city/area.

I feel tremendous self-imposed (in addition to parent imposed) guilt over this issue of living so far away from both my and dh's parents (who in turn live no where near one another). I grew up geographically and very emotionally close to my grandparents - they attended lots of school and sports events of mine, we had regular dinners together (incl often with my aunt, uncle and cousins), we slept over our grandparents' houses often. I wish my kids could experience that instead of visits a few times per year - my kids love their grandparents but they do not have the easy closeness that I did with my own grandparents. In addition, as we all get older, I wish I was closer to help my in laws and dad more. My mother died a number of years ago and my dad never remarried - neither my sibling nor I live close to him and while he is in good health now (knock wood), I see how much and how quickly that can change by watching friends' parents. I really don't know what the answer is, but I do think there was a lot to be said for the time when extended families lived close to one another and families were prioritized over career choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a different town in NoVa than my in-laws, and you'd think we were in another hemisphere. There is no satisfying some people.

I know this is an old thread, but I just wanted to comment that I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only once in basically the same situation!

We're one zipcode away. MIL wants to make the basement an apartment and give us the upstairs.

Anonymous wrote:Grew up in Richmond, met my yankee husband in college (in VA) and we settled in NoVa. We've been here going on 6 six years and my eldest child is 4.5. My mom (whom I love and am close to) STILL makes comments about how much she misses her grandchildren, CANNOT believe that neither of her children (or grandchildren) live in Richmond, and doesn't know "how I do it" without family around. Despite the fact that I do miss them, do wish they were around more, and would like to live in Richmond, its just not very likely to happen. I otherwise like where we live - we have a nice home, good commutes, and are not stressed financially. My husband especially would take a MAJOR pay cut to work in Richmond. And he's not from their so he's just not drawn to it anyway. Although, if I threw a giant fit he would move back there, but I don't even know if I would like it. Haven't lived there full-time since I left for college.

I get that parents want their kids/grandkids around them, but harping about it is not going to change it, right?

What is wrong with your mother stating how she feels? Whether or not you feel guilty is your issue not an issue of her stating that she misses you. Would you rather she said she is glad that you aren't' around? Why do people look for reasons to get upset?

Nope. I am 500 miles away from my parents and they don't ever give me grief. Probably because they let me live my life the way I want. And I actually prefer it this way. I don't feel obligated to see them every week or be at every family function. I can go to town whenever I feel. And they are welcome anytime they want to come visit me and their grandson.

Anonymous wrote:Richmond is a 90 minute drive. You need to tell her to get over it.

For Real!
I am super excited that I am now 3 hours from my folks -- sometimes we both drive 90 minutes, meet and just have dinner.
Awesome!!