Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For people who say they can't imagine someone else raising their kids...do you think that your working spouse isn't raising your kids either? I get what you're saying- that you want either yourself or your spouse caring for the kids rather than someone else during the day, but to say that daycare is raising your kids...well, that means that the partner who works isn't really raising your kids either, right?

I see it as there being many facets to raising a child. There is the overall responsibility of raising a healthy, happy, independent child into adulthood. Part of that requires finances - therefore working is part of raising a child and he takes on more of that aspect. There is all the decision making that goes into raising a child and we are both equally part of that. There is creating healthy relationships and a healthy home environment and we are both part of that. Then there is the hands-on raising of the child, the day-to-day work to support growth and development, to create socially, emotionally and physically healthy children, the thousands of little interactions that shape who they are and who they will become and as a SAH parent I do far more of that than my DH - he only chips in in this area in the evening and on weekends. While we both instill values, it is the hands-on part and how I (as the one taking that on) react and respond that reinforces those values. Then there is the caregiving aspect (eating, toileting etc) and I do more of that as well simply because again he is only home evening and weekends. It works for us. He trusts me to do the hands on part. We talk about how the day went and he gives input into how we could approach or address something differently. I trust him to do the financial part. The rest we do together.

not pp but this is an interesting post, and thank you for it. what i genuinely don't understand is your reference to raising an independent child. you obviously value independence as an important personal characteristic - as a SAHM, do you feel that you have it? does your financial dependence on your husband worry you?

You are right, I do value independence highly. I was raised to be very independent and I think it has benefited me well in life. Although I SAH I still consider myself to be very independent, just as I consider my husband to be independent even though I contribute in ways he doesn't. There is much more to independence than money for me. It isn't his money or my money any more than it is his kids or my kids or his house or my house. I see marriage as a partnership and a fair partnership doesn't mean that everything is equal or the same. Does it worry me (financially) that he could die tomorrow? No. I am well educated and have a strong resume and while I wouldn't expect to step back into big money I would not have any difficulty getting a job due to my profession(s). Additionally I have a fabulous family who would glady take me in should I become destitute for some reason before being able to get a job. I was financially responsible for myself starting from a very young age and I have no doubt I could be financially responsible for myself again if need be. We live very simply and have never had much money so I wouldn't have an expensive lifestyle to maintain. In the same way I am sure should I die tomorrow that my husband could independently manage the aspects of family that I do now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For people who say they can't imagine someone else raising their kids...do you think that your working spouse isn't raising your kids either? I get what you're saying- that you want either yourself or your spouse caring for the kids rather than someone else during the day, but to say that daycare is raising your kids...well, that means that the partner who works isn't really raising your kids either, right?

I see it as there being many facets to raising a child. There is the overall responsibility of raising a healthy, happy, independent child into adulthood. Part of that requires finances - therefore working is part of raising a child and he takes on more of that aspect. There is all the decision making that goes into raising a child and we are both equally part of that. There is creating healthy relationships and a healthy home environment and we are both part of that. Then there is the hands-on raising of the child, the day-to-day work to support growth and development, to create socially, emotionally and physically healthy children, the thousands of little interactions that shape who they are and who they will become and as a SAH parent I do far more of that than my DH - he only chips in in this area in the evening and on weekends. While we both instill values, it is the hands-on part and how I (as the one taking that on) react and respond that reinforces those values. Then there is the caregiving aspect (eating, toileting etc) and I do more of that as well simply because again he is only home evening and weekends. It works for us. He trusts me to do the hands on part. We talk about how the day went and he gives input into how we could approach or address something differently. I trust him to do the financial part. The rest we do together.

not pp but this is an interesting post, and thank you for it. what i genuinely don't understand is your reference to raising an independent child. you obviously value independence as an important personal characteristic - as a SAHM, do you feel that you have it? does your financial dependence on your husband worry you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For people who say they can't imagine someone else raising their kids...do you think that your working spouse isn't raising your kids either? I get what you're saying- that you want either yourself or your spouse caring for the kids rather than someone else during the day, but to say that daycare is raising your kids...well, that means that the partner who works isn't really raising your kids either, right?

I see it as there being many facets to raising a child. There is the overall responsibility of raising a healthy, happy, independent child into adulthood. Part of that requires finances - therefore working is part of raising a child and he takes on more of that aspect. There is all the decision making that goes into raising a child and we are both equally part of that. There is creating healthy relationships and a healthy home environment and we are both part of that. Then there is the hands-on raising of the child, the day-to-day work to support growth and development, to create socially, emotionally and physically healthy children, the thousands of little interactions that shape who they are and who they will become and as a SAH parent I do far more of that than my DH - he only chips in in this area in the evening and on weekends. While we both instill values, it is the hands-on part and how I (as the one taking that on) react and respond that reinforces those values. Then there is the caregiving aspect (eating, toileting etc) and I do more of that as well simply because again he is only home evening and weekends. It works for us. He trusts me to do the hands on part. We talk about how the day went and he gives input into how we could approach or address something differently. I trust him to do the financial part. The rest we do together.

I'm the poster who asked this question. Thanks for giving a sincere response; I learned a lot.

FWIW, I know many people will disagree with me, but I feel for uor fmaily it's better to have someone be there with the kids after school so in a year, I will go part-time and be home in time to pick them up from school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt very strongly that I didn't want anyone but my boyfriend and I being the ones instilling values and morals in our kids.

That's funny. You're talking values but you're not married to the father of your child?

You know what's funny? Forcing a marriage because you're going to have a child. Very irresponsible.

We decided before marriage to assume traditional gender roles, meaning I'd take care of children + everything domestic. It has to do with efficiency/comparative advantage and our personal definition of success in which SAH is a luxury.

Anonymous wrote:For people who say they can't imagine someone else raising their kids...do you think that your working spouse isn't raising your kids either? I get what you're saying- that you want either yourself or your spouse caring for the kids rather than someone else during the day, but to say that daycare is raising your kids...well, that means that the partner who works isn't really raising your kids either, right?

I see it as there being many facets to raising a child. There is the overall responsibility of raising a healthy, happy, independent child into adulthood. Part of that requires finances - therefore working is part of raising a child and he takes on more of that aspect. There is all the decision making that goes into raising a child and we are both equally part of that. There is creating healthy relationships and a healthy home environment and we are both part of that. Then there is the hands-on raising of the child, the day-to-day work to support growth and development, to create socially, emotionally and physically healthy children, the thousands of little interactions that shape who they are and who they will become and as a SAH parent I do far more of that than my DH - he only chips in in this area in the evening and on weekends. While we both instill values, it is the hands-on part and how I (as the one taking that on) react and respond that reinforces those values. Then there is the caregiving aspect (eating, toileting etc) and I do more of that as well simply because again he is only home evening and weekends. It works for us. He trusts me to do the hands on part. We talk about how the day went and he gives input into how we could approach or address something differently. I trust him to do the financial part. The rest we do together.

PS: I have stayed at home, and I have used daycare and nannies whlie working. I liked all the options for my children, including the child care options as I chose the outsourcing very carefully (and could afford to be picky). I like at least a little bit of outsourcing best--helps me keep my sanity, and I think my kids really LIKE being with other children and having other loving adults in their lives.

The nanny situation was the best for us when I was working and our little ones were very little. This provided me and my kids a great deal of schedule flexibility, as I was working and my kids were moving through various stages including nap stages.

Preschool worked out great once they turned about 2.5 or 3. They were really hungry for social interaction outside of our immediate circle--new friends, new loving and smart adults. We pursued preschool even when I wasn't working. That's when I started up part time.

Regardless of the situation, we try to construct a village. And once we bring you in, we will suck you into our family vortex. Beware.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why those who have differing opinions from others in the thread feel the need to come in and defend their choices and tell the others what they *should* have written. The question was, "How did you know it was right for you?" These are personal answers that people are giving about their *own* situations. If you love staying at home or going to work, it's your own choice, and you don't have to pad your answer to accommodate how the other person feels about THEIR choice.

I think you are referring to me. I am simply trying to give the OP a balanced view. When you have never experienced daycare, it is an emotional choice to make. I know b/c I had to face it. Simply hearing all of the personal opinions of the SAHM's on here gives OP nothing to think about other than the feeling that she will somehow be letting down her child if she doesn't decide to stay at home, which has just not been my experience. Again, these personal opinions about daycare being expressed on here are not based on experience, they are based solely on emotion and heresay. If there were any current SAHM moms on here who could speak to their experience in daycare and why they subsequently chose to stay home, that would be a balanced view. But they're not here. So I'm just trying to give the perspective from the other side of the equation.

How would you know that? how many years did you SAH for to be able to make this statement that you know both sides and that someone how your experience is the one that matters. And others opinion is just emotion and heresay? We get that you think SAH is pathetic. I think you should give OP some credit that she has looked at varying options and was interested in knowing how SAH parents came to the decision to stay at home. You jumping in to defend why daycare is so much better is just useless. Start a thread on how WOH p came to make the decision that that was right for them if you want to extol the benefits of daycare and bash SAHP. Why is it so awful for parents who SAH to talk about why that was right for them.

I SAH but guess what I worked in a a daycare for 8 years before I had children. Too bad you completely discount my experience as just emotion and heresay because it is different than yours. It isn't daycare that will be damaging to your kids, it is your narrow minded arrogance that what you think is right and what everyone else thinks is wrong.

No. I don't think that SAH is pathetic. I thought I made that really clear. I have good friends and family that have made that choice, and even though I work FT, I respect and admire what they are doing. And I never claimed to know both sides, only to represent the viewpoint of someone who did choose daycare for a variety of reasons. I was reacting to all of the clearly first time moms who said that the thought of daycare made them ill, etc etc. Since they've never experienced having a child in daycare, they can't really speak to what it is like - just their IDEAS about what it WOULD be like. Just like I can't speak to what it is like to be a FT SAHM (though I imagine it is damned hard, and likely not for me). Nor was I saying that daycare is better - just making the point that it is not the end of the world for your child, nor does it mean that you are any less of a parent. Calm down - I am not denigrating anyone's choices.

And you have never experienced staying at home so you wouldn't have a clue as to why that would be right for people.

I just don't get why you think your opinion should override everyone else's in a thread asking SAHp about why they felt it was right for them when you have never even SAH.

Okay. I don't think that and I never stated any of that on here, but if you feel the need to misinterpret and twist my words go right ahead. I'll leave so you can only hear viewpoints that agree with you 100%. You sound like a class-A royal BITCH. Just the kind of person I don't waste time trying to have an intelligent discussion with.

You said your opinion was the one that was balanced and everyone else's was just emotion and heresay. This in a thread where you don't even have any experience with the question being asked. I am not surprised you are name calling. You are the kind of person that talks over every one else in the conversation then storms off in a huff of name calling when you get called on it.

I did not say my opinion was balanced. You need to work on your reading comprehension skills. I said I thought that my opinion would provide some balance to those making assumptions about daycare. And I did not say that everyone else's opinions were all emotion and heresay - just the aspects touching on daycare being so awful. That was a fact. If you are speaking about something you know nothing about, that is heresay. You'll notice that nowhere did I ever claim to know what it was like to SAH. So my opinion of you stands, with one clarification - you are a bitch with poor reading comprehension.

My older child was in daycare 2 days a week. It was a highly regarded, well known daycare with a very long waitlist. I spoke to several parents with kids there, and I spent the first day there with my son, observing everything, before deciding that I was comfortable leaving him there. All was good for a year or so, until one of the caregivers abused a child (it was a widely known incident, in the press....some of you probably heard about it). I wasn't comfortable keeping him there any more, and the incident took the wind out of my sails as far as finding another daycare; I didn't know what more I could have done to vet the place. It was around this time that I became pregnant with #2. My husband's travel schedule was becoming fuller and fuller, and it became clear that the easiest solution to our childcare situation was for me to stay home, which is what I am currently doing. We don't need any income from me, and my husband is fully supportive of the arrangement; in fact, he was the one who first proposed it. But I don't love it. Being around kids all day stresses me out....but not as much as worrying about childcare and getting everything done when my husband is travelling and my hours would be wild n' crazy, too. It's boring to me. I SO wish I could enjoy it, but I don't. I've just taken the hit because it's the best fit for our current needs. It drives me crazy when I read people suggesting that having a mom home all the time is the best thing for all kids. I grew up with parents who both worked full time, and I never wanted for love, attention, a moral upbringing....and I never wished my mom could be home all day. It also drives me crazy when people toss around, "get a job!" to SAH parents, and imply (or outright say) that SAHers are lacking in some way for not working for someone else and pulling in an income. There are lots of ways to find fulfillment in life, contribute, and "be interesting." Thinking that everyone should do things the way you do is a bit of a provincial attitude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why those who have differing opinions from others in the thread feel the need to come in and defend their choices and tell the others what they *should* have written. The question was, "How did you know it was right for you?" These are personal answers that people are giving about their *own* situations. If you love staying at home or going to work, it's your own choice, and you don't have to pad your answer to accommodate how the other person feels about THEIR choice.

I think you are referring to me. I am simply trying to give the OP a balanced view. When you have never experienced daycare, it is an emotional choice to make. I know b/c I had to face it. Simply hearing all of the personal opinions of the SAHM's on here gives OP nothing to think about other than the feeling that she will somehow be letting down her child if she doesn't decide to stay at home, which has just not been my experience. Again, these personal opinions about daycare being expressed on here are not based on experience, they are based solely on emotion and heresay. If there were any current SAHM moms on here who could speak to their experience in daycare and why they subsequently chose to stay home, that would be a balanced view. But they're not here. So I'm just trying to give the perspective from the other side of the equation.

How would you know that? how many years did you SAH for to be able to make this statement that you know both sides and that someone how your experience is the one that matters. And others opinion is just emotion and heresay? We get that you think SAH is pathetic. I think you should give OP some credit that she has looked at varying options and was interested in knowing how SAH parents came to the decision to stay at home. You jumping in to defend why daycare is so much better is just useless. Start a thread on how WOH p came to make the decision that that was right for them if you want to extol the benefits of daycare and bash SAHP. Why is it so awful for parents who SAH to talk about why that was right for them.

I SAH but guess what I worked in a a daycare for 8 years before I had children. Too bad you completely discount my experience as just emotion and heresay because it is different than yours. It isn't daycare that will be damaging to your kids, it is your narrow minded arrogance that what you think is right and what everyone else thinks is wrong.

No. I don't think that SAH is pathetic. I thought I made that really clear. I have good friends and family that have made that choice, and even though I work FT, I respect and admire what they are doing. And I never claimed to know both sides, only to represent the viewpoint of someone who did choose daycare for a variety of reasons. I was reacting to all of the clearly first time moms who said that the thought of daycare made them ill, etc etc. Since they've never experienced having a child in daycare, they can't really speak to what it is like - just their IDEAS about what it WOULD be like. Just like I can't speak to what it is like to be a FT SAHM (though I imagine it is damned hard, and likely not for me). Nor was I saying that daycare is better - just making the point that it is not the end of the world for your child, nor does it mean that you are any less of a parent. Calm down - I am not denigrating anyone's choices.

And you have never experienced staying at home so you wouldn't have a clue as to why that would be right for people.

I just don't get why you think your opinion should override everyone else's in a thread asking SAHp about why they felt it was right for them when you have never even SAH.

Okay. I don't think that and I never stated any of that on here, but if you feel the need to misinterpret and twist my words go right ahead. I'll leave so you can only hear viewpoints that agree with you 100%. You sound like a class-A royal BITCH. Just the kind of person I don't waste time trying to have an intelligent discussion with.

You said your opinion was the one that was balanced and everyone else's was just emotion and heresay. This in a thread where you don't even have any experience with the question being asked. I am not surprised you are name calling. You are the kind of person that talks over every one else in the conversation then storms off in a huff of name calling when you get called on it.

Anonymous wrote:I'm waffling. My husband (a) loves his job, (b) appears to be secure in his job, and (c) makes enough money to support us in a lifestyle that meets our needs and most of our wants (a Toyota Corolla is just fine with me). I like being a mum, and I like being employed and engaged with society in that way, too.

I know that taking a few years off will make it VERY hard to return to the workforce, so right now I'm taking a step down. I lucked out in finding a 3-4 days a week job that I like well enough. That gives me two days with my kiddies... though, honestly, a lot of that time is spent cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and running errands. The quality time with my family still happens in the evenings!

Hi there - I am considering jumping into your boat. I've expiremented by taking days off to see what it was like, and it's pretty much exactly what you describe. Even though the quality time still happens in the evenings, what I found is that my overall work-life balance was better and that I was less stressed and more able to be present (and pleasant!) with my family. The two days off were spent thus - grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, taking DS to doctor's appts, being at home to let in contractors and accept deliveries, etc. It meant that my weekends were much more relaxed, too. I don't think now is the right time for us for some long-term financial reasons, mainly b/c I get ridiculous 401K contributions from my employer right now and I'd like to continue that for a little while so that we have more socked away and growing while we are still relatively young. But in 2-3 years, I think the 3 day a week PT gig will be just the thing for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why those who have differing opinions from others in the thread feel the need to come in and defend their choices and tell the others what they *should* have written. The question was, "How did you know it was right for you?" These are personal answers that people are giving about their *own* situations. If you love staying at home or going to work, it's your own choice, and you don't have to pad your answer to accommodate how the other person feels about THEIR choice.

I think you are referring to me. I am simply trying to give the OP a balanced view. When you have never experienced daycare, it is an emotional choice to make. I know b/c I had to face it. Simply hearing all of the personal opinions of the SAHM's on here gives OP nothing to think about other than the feeling that she will somehow be letting down her child if she doesn't decide to stay at home, which has just not been my experience. Again, these personal opinions about daycare being expressed on here are not based on experience, they are based solely on emotion and heresay. If there were any current SAHM moms on here who could speak to their experience in daycare and why they subsequently chose to stay home, that would be a balanced view. But they're not here. So I'm just trying to give the perspective from the other side of the equation.

How would you know that? how many years did you SAH for to be able to make this statement that you know both sides and that someone how your experience is the one that matters. And others opinion is just emotion and heresay? We get that you think SAH is pathetic. I think you should give OP some credit that she has looked at varying options and was interested in knowing how SAH parents came to the decision to stay at home. You jumping in to defend why daycare is so much better is just useless. Start a thread on how WOH p came to make the decision that that was right for them if you want to extol the benefits of daycare and bash SAHP. Why is it so awful for parents who SAH to talk about why that was right for them.

I SAH but guess what I worked in a a daycare for 8 years before I had children. Too bad you completely discount my experience as just emotion and heresay because it is different than yours. It isn't daycare that will be damaging to your kids, it is your narrow minded arrogance that what you think is right and what everyone else thinks is wrong.

No. I don't think that SAH is pathetic. I thought I made that really clear. I have good friends and family that have made that choice, and even though I work FT, I respect and admire what they are doing. And I never claimed to know both sides, only to represent the viewpoint of someone who did choose daycare for a variety of reasons. I was reacting to all of the clearly first time moms who said that the thought of daycare made them ill, etc etc. Since they've never experienced having a child in daycare, they can't really speak to what it is like - just their IDEAS about what it WOULD be like. Just like I can't speak to what it is like to be a FT SAHM (though I imagine it is damned hard, and likely not for me). Nor was I saying that daycare is better - just making the point that it is not the end of the world for your child, nor does it mean that you are any less of a parent. Calm down - I am not denigrating anyone's choices.

And you have never experienced staying at home so you wouldn't have a clue as to why that would be right for people.

I just don't get why you think your opinion should override everyone else's in a thread asking SAHp about why they felt it was right for them when you have never even SAH.

Okay. I don't think that and I never stated any of that on here, but if you feel the need to misinterpret and twist my words go right ahead. I'll leave so you can only hear viewpoints that agree with you 100%. You sound like a class-A royal BITCH. Just the kind of person I don't waste time trying to have an intelligent discussion with.

I'm waffling. My husband (a) loves his job, (b) appears to be secure in his job, and (c) makes enough money to support us in a lifestyle that meets our needs and most of our wants (a Toyota Corolla is just fine with me). I like being a mum, and I like being employed and engaged with society in that way, too.

I know that taking a few years off will make it VERY hard to return to the workforce, so right now I'm taking a step down. I lucked out in finding a 3-4 days a week job that I like well enough. That gives me two days with my kiddies... though, honestly, a lot of that time is spent cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and running errands. The quality time with my family still happens in the evenings!

We had nothing against daycare (our kids are in daycare now) but after I had returned to work post-maternity leave I realized I was going back to a job I didn't like. It didn't seem worth it. So I gave SAHM-dom a try. I won't lie to you, it's not a cake walk. But if you can find some other SAHMs/SAHDs with similar values as you, it can be a really fun experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why those who have differing opinions from others in the thread feel the need to come in and defend their choices and tell the others what they *should* have written. The question was, "How did you know it was right for you?" These are personal answers that people are giving about their *own* situations. If you love staying at home or going to work, it's your own choice, and you don't have to pad your answer to accommodate how the other person feels about THEIR choice.

I think you are referring to me. I am simply trying to give the OP a balanced view. When you have never experienced daycare, it is an emotional choice to make. I know b/c I had to face it. Simply hearing all of the personal opinions of the SAHM's on here gives OP nothing to think about other than the feeling that she will somehow be letting down her child if she doesn't decide to stay at home, which has just not been my experience. Again, these personal opinions about daycare being expressed on here are not based on experience, they are based solely on emotion and heresay. If there were any current SAHM moms on here who could speak to their experience in daycare and why they subsequently chose to stay home, that would be a balanced view. But they're not here. So I'm just trying to give the perspective from the other side of the equation.

How would you know that? how many years did you SAH for to be able to make this statement that you know both sides and that someone how your experience is the one that matters. And others opinion is just emotion and heresay? We get that you think SAH is pathetic. I think you should give OP some credit that she has looked at varying options and was interested in knowing how SAH parents came to the decision to stay at home. You jumping in to defend why daycare is so much better is just useless. Start a thread on how WOH p came to make the decision that that was right for them if you want to extol the benefits of daycare and bash SAHP. Why is it so awful for parents who SAH to talk about why that was right for them.

I SAH but guess what I worked in a a daycare for 8 years before I had children. Too bad you completely discount my experience as just emotion and heresay because it is different than yours. It isn't daycare that will be damaging to your kids, it is your narrow minded arrogance that what you think is right and what everyone else thinks is wrong.

No. I don't think that SAH is pathetic. I thought I made that really clear. I have good friends and family that have made that choice, and even though I work FT, I respect and admire what they are doing. And I never claimed to know both sides, only to represent the viewpoint of someone who did choose daycare for a variety of reasons. I was reacting to all of the clearly first time moms who said that the thought of daycare made them ill, etc etc. Since they've never experienced having a child in daycare, they can't really speak to what it is like - just their IDEAS about what it WOULD be like. Just like I can't speak to what it is like to be a FT SAHM (though I imagine it is damned hard, and likely not for me). Nor was I saying that daycare is better - just making the point that it is not the end of the world for your child, nor does it mean that you are any less of a parent. Calm down - I am not denigrating anyone's choices.

And you have never experienced staying at home so you wouldn't have a clue as to why that would be right for people.

I just don't get why you think your opinion should override everyone else's in a thread asking SAHp about why they felt it was right for them when you have never even SAH.