Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you're out of touch with reality and have spent too much time in non-clinical work (research?) and need to get out and see people again. The police disagree with you. I think you are confusing domestic violence, which can be a one-time event, with domestic abuse which is usually a pattern of emotional or physical abuse.

Call it what you will, the distinction is there. Abuse, violence, whatever you want to call it, there's a difference. And the same distinction and pointing out the differences that you just made is what I made. Not all violence is the same. You said it, I said it.

My fear is that this is something you can't recover from

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

I think you're out of touch with reality and have spent too much time in non-clinical work (research?) and need to get out and see people again. The police disagree with you. I think you are confusing domestic violence, which can be a one-time event, with domestic abuse which is usually a pattern of emotional or physical abuse.

As for OP, it seems as if both of you are feeling the stress of having a child. Believe me, I understand. We have twins under 1 year old and this last year has been the hardest ever on our marriage, but I think we're the stronger because it. However, you are feeling stressed and not reacting well. Your husband is feeling stressed and venting with words. You felt the stress and in addition to completely discounting the values he adds to your family, except as a source of money, you devalue what he does, treat him poorly and then physical assault him. You really need to make some sort of change because you have gone over the edge. I would recommend that you start with anger management classes because your anger and assault are overboard. You're not horrible, but you are heading that way. Right now, you can claim stress. However, if you don't address your poor anger management skills, after this warning, then you are horrible. After anger management, I would recommend marriage counseling. Since you feel no remorse for what you've done, you are on the slippery slope to becoming a spousal abuser. You definitely need at least individual sessions, but followup joint couples counseling would also be recommended. If you have the same person do this, then they can tie in progress that you make in the individual sessions into the joint sessions. Please find some sort of professional help today. You need it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why were you sitting out in the car shaking after repeatedly smacking your husband in the head? Did he threaten to press charges against you?

Was this the first time? So the anger and frustration against his behavior has been building up for roughly a year? What was he doing while you were smacking him, trying to hold you off and/or yelling and calling you filthy names? Has DH ever hit you?

Once things become this nasty in a relationship it's incredibly difficult to recover the intimacy. Then again, it really doesn't sound like intimacy exists in your relationship.

To be honest, you view him as merely the main breadwinner in your family, you hate his guts, and you feel stuck, right?

Doesn't every long married person have flashes in time where they absolutely hate their spouse?

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Yeah, this is pretty much crap. Domestic violence is the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another. OP is a criminal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Anonymous wrote:I am not excusing your behavior but I can understand. I would take a few deep breaths and go back in and talk with him about what happened and what got you to that point...including his attitude toward your childs care and his comment which sent you over the edge.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sitting in the car after I smacked my husband over the head repeatedly with my hands. I'm currently shaking and I'm pretty sure my hands/fingers are bruised. Let me explain: it's been building for months. We are about to make a huge move with our toddler and he's arguably been handling all the logistics plus working a FT job. I work PT and take care of our child all other times. He literally resents doing ANYTHING for her (thinks it's my job). It's been this way since she was born but it's way worse now. I had to talk him into giving her a bath tonight while i got a load of laundry started. once she was in and he sat down to wash her hair, I was walking out and he said to her "mommy is sick of being with you so I'm doing this". Before I knew what I was doing I was battering him- I don't even know what happened.
My fear is that this is something you can't recover from. And I'm scared because I don't feel guilty in the slightest.
Am I horrible?[/quote]

Yes you are. How would you feel if he began hitting you!