Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate it when people say my toddler needs to go to preschool to socialize. That's not our lifestyle, get over it.

Jeffrey Dahmer part deux

To discover what makes a serial killer function, it is necessary to look back into their past, particularly their adolescent life. By looking at many and varied cases, it is evident that virtually all serial killers come from dysfunctional backgrounds involving sexual or physical abuse, drugs or alcoholism and their related problems. Many traits that seem to be universal in all these serial killers, though in varied amounts, include disorganised thinking, bipolar mode disorders, a feeling of resentment towards society brought on by their own failings, sexual frustrations, an inability to be social or socially accepted, over bearing parents and a wild imagination that tends to drag them into a fantasy world. In a chart of serial killer - childhood development characteristics - created by Ressler, Burgers and Douglas (1990), the three most frequently reported behaviors included day dreaming, compulsive masturbation, and isolation.

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those dumb commenters around 15 years ago. I was age 20 and a friend had a preemie who was in the NICU for about 6 weeks. When they were both home I went to visit them.

friend: today is his due date.
me: wow, aren't you glad the trouble and pain of labor is done? You could have been in labor right now.
friend: No. If I was going through labor right now, my kid wouldn't be in the NICU for six weeks and be prone to health problems for possibly the rest of his life.

I felt horrible and promised myself that I would never say a dumb comment to someone who's going through a difficult situation again. Lesson learned by me. Now, if I can't think of anything to say, I ask a question, "how does it feel?" "Are you/he/she in pain?" "How does this effect xyz?" I let them make the comment and then I agree with whatever they say. If they're sad, I can be sad with them, if they're being optimistic I can be optimistic with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is the appropriate response?

How about something like, "That sounds hard." A little sympathy, and acknowledgement, instead of trying to "fix" the situation with dumb "advice."

Yes, this. "I'm so sorry, that sounds really difficult". If they are a friend (and it saddens me that so many of these have come from "friends"), perhaps "it sounds like you're really having a hard time, can I do anything to help" or "you can always call me/talk to me when you need a shoulder". I know it's human instinct to try be "helpful" and "fix" things, but often people would just like to know they are heard, especially if the problem isn't something that is easily fixable (because trust me, if it were, I have already tried it).

sorry, that should say "...can I do anything to help make it easier for you?"

Anonymous wrote:For me it was when my DC was in the NICU after she was born prematurely. "You are so lucky to be able to catch up on sleep!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of these are breath-takingly awful (OP here). They make mine seem tame And to the pps who have nicely pointed out that many people who say these awkward things don't know what else to say, or that they have good intent underneath it all: I agree, to a point. There are some things that most people with common sense just know you should steer clear of. As one pp mentioned, any kind of illness, delay that is obviously causing angst to the parent, anything with procreation, and especially death-these things should just be off limits. PP whose child died, I am so so sorry for your loss, and doubly sorry that you had to endure crap from people who just should KNOW BETTER. As I stated in my original post, a simple "I'm sorry, I feel for you" or something similar is just better all around.

In my case this morning, it's not like the person didn't know my situation with my DD, I had just finished telling her how discouraged I am today after a lovely weekend spent at parks with my DD...carrying her everywhere while children her age tore down slides, ran for the sandbox, and galloped to the swings. When she came back at me with the whole "well, you should just be happy your DD isn't walking, it's less work for you", it just struck me as almost willfully obtuse and in-your-face cheery. Is her situation the worst ever? No, of course not, and I count my blessings often. But it was getting me down at that moment, and it would have just been nice to hear some commiseration, or sympathy if that wasn't available.

The best part...she saw me later today, and exclaimed: "oh, I thought of something-have you ever stood right in front of her and held out a cookie and told her to come get it? I found with my kids if I just expected them do it, they would!".

Seriously? Seriously.

i would have punched her.

Anonymous wrote:Most of these are breath-takingly awful (OP here). They make mine seem tame And to the pps who have nicely pointed out that many people who say these awkward things don't know what else to say, or that they have good intent underneath it all: I agree, to a point. There are some things that most people with common sense just know you should steer clear of. As one pp mentioned, any kind of illness, delay that is obviously causing angst to the parent, anything with procreation, and especially death-these things should just be off limits. PP whose child died, I am so so sorry for your loss, and doubly sorry that you had to endure crap from people who just should KNOW BETTER. As I stated in my original post, a simple "I'm sorry, I feel for you" or something similar is just better all around.

In my case this morning, it's not like the person didn't know my situation with my DD, I had just finished telling her how discouraged I am today after a lovely weekend spent at parks with my DD...carrying her everywhere while children her age tore down slides, ran for the sandbox, and galloped to the swings. When she came back at me with the whole "well, you should just be happy your DD isn't walking, it's less work for you", it just struck me as almost willfully obtuse and in-your-face cheery. Is her situation the worst ever? No, of course not, and I count my blessings often. But it was getting me down at that moment, and it would have just been nice to hear some commiseration, or sympathy if that wasn't available.

The best part...she saw me later today, and exclaimed: "oh, I thought of something-have you ever stood right in front of her and held out a cookie and told her to come get it? I found with my kids if I just expected them do it, they would!".

Seriously? Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're having to endure this idiotic optimism when you're so worried.

My favorite: "God doesn't give you more than your can handle" when I was diagnosed with an often-deadly cancer as a single parent when my child was 7. And that was from a doctor. I told her I was an atheist, and that shut her up pretty quickly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is the appropriate response?

How about something like, "That sounds hard." A little sympathy, and acknowledgement, instead of trying to "fix" the situation with dumb "advice."

Yes, this. "I'm so sorry, that sounds really difficult". If they are a friend (and it saddens me that so many of these have come from "friends"), perhaps "it sounds like you're really having a hard time, can I do anything to help" or "you can always call me/talk to me when you need a shoulder". I know it's human instinct to try be "helpful" and "fix" things, but often people would just like to know they are heard, especially if the problem isn't something that is easily fixable (because trust me, if it were, I have already tried it).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is the appropriate response?

How about something like, "That sounds hard." A little sympathy, and acknowledgement, instead of trying to "fix" the situation with dumb "advice."