you must live in Bethesda

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get a small card (either blank or "Thinking of You") and write a quick note saying that you just wanted to say that if there was anything that you or your child had done that had upset this person, to please let you know and leave your e-mail address). Then go on with life as usual. Either, she'll tell you if there is something wrong, or you just assume that you aren't as close as you thought. But this does cover the case that you or your child may have done something that chilled the relationship.

Uhhh, no do not do that! Sounds way too desperate.

I'm always amazed. So, you'll sit around and just randomly guess if you might have done something that irritated or annoyed her, but you would never suggest that you want to apologize/make it up to her if you did. Okay, if you don't want to send a card, try saying this in person. I hate women who play these games. I won't ask, but I'll sit in misery for 6-10 years and chew my own gristle over the lost friendship when I could have said something years and years ago and resumed this friendship that meant more to me than I'm willing to admit. Great.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i am sorry OP. be the bigger person and extend the invite to
your child's party.

(1) if she chooses not to attend, it's on her, and maybe there is something that isn't gelling between you two. and that is ok! it happens, don't take it as a reflection on you!

(2) if she does attend, it will be a classy lesson to her in manners - that you invited folks regardless of reciprocity.

+1 I agree. I understand you are hurt. But this be more a reflection of her poor manners, and not of some personality defect on your part.

+1000. I would be have been hurt at the moment but then let it go... middle school is thankfully over for us

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually saw the host mom at the grocery store this morning. We chatted briefly (she was coming out as I was going in) and only really said something like hello, how are you.

I think I am reaching the conclusion that I am not considered a full member of the neighborhood group as I thought I was - at least not by this mom. I think she sees me as someone who shows up and is there, and therefore of course she'll make conversation with me, but she doesn't see me as a friend (and I guess she sees the others as friends). Maybe I come across as trying too hard? It's funny, because out of all of the moms in the group, i feel like she and I might have the most in common because we are both really into athletics, and played the same sport in college.

Anyway, thanks for the posts everyone.

This is interesting. In our neighborhood moms group I though this one mom would be my best friend. We initially connected well and we had a lot in common. Hung out a lot together and with others, our children all got along. Then she started getting funny and playing this exclusion game. She would talk about what her and the other mom's did together and I just listened thinking why was she telling me this and I wasn't even invited. Does she not think this would hurt my feelings? She is now nothing like she was when I met her. On some days she barely speaks to me when we are all at the playground.

I have thought relentlessly about what I could have done to upset her, but I just can't come up with anything. Oh, well.

Sounds just like the mom who did this to me...Does her dh's first name rhyme with Burley?

Anonymous wrote:I would get a small card (either blank or "Thinking of You") and write a quick note saying that you just wanted to say that if there was anything that you or your child had done that had upset this person, to please let you know and leave your e-mail address). Then go on with life as usual. Either, she'll tell you if there is something wrong, or you just assume that you aren't as close as you thought. But this does cover the case that you or your child may have done something that chilled the relationship.

Uhhh, no do not do that! Sounds way too desperate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually saw the host mom at the grocery store this morning. We chatted briefly (she was coming out as I was going in) and only really said something like hello, how are you.

I think I am reaching the conclusion that I am not considered a full member of the neighborhood group as I thought I was - at least not by this mom. I think she sees me as someone who shows up and is there, and therefore of course she'll make conversation with me, but she doesn't see me as a friend (and I guess she sees the others as friends). Maybe I come across as trying too hard? It's funny, because out of all of the moms in the group, i feel like she and I might have the most in common because we are both really into athletics, and played the same sport in college.

Anyway, thanks for the posts everyone.

This is interesting. In our neighborhood moms group I though this one mom would be my best friend. We initially connected well and we had a lot in common. Hung out a lot together and with others, our children all got along. Then she started getting funny and playing this exclusion game. She would talk about what her and the other mom's did together and I just listened thinking why was she telling me this and I wasn't even invited. Does she not think this would hurt my feelings? She is now nothing like she was when I met her. On some days she barely speaks to me when we are all at the playground.


I have thought relentlessly about what I could have done to upset her, but I just can't come up with anything. Oh, well.

This happened to me when I first moved into this neighborhood. Previously, I had lived in an apartment with our first baby. The "friend" had really been a bestie who you call a couple of times a week and hang out with every week or every other week. When I was pregnant with my second child we moved to our current neighborhood which is adjacent to hers but with overall cheaper yet incredibly overpriced homes. This woman literally stopped talking to me after I told her we moved into the house. She called me a few days before we moved and asked for a tour--I gave her one--iwe both live in 20016. Her house is a mansion compared to mine. The weirdest part is that she became BEST FRIENDS suddenly with our across the street neighbor. She knew her before but it was not a close relationship--I knew this because this woman and I hung out together several days a week for at least 2 years. The same year that we bought the house, our oldest was admitted into the tony littlee pre-k that her son attended. Mine went there b/c of his special needs but the chool is sought after by others just for whatever prestige. That seemed to push her over the edge and she never really spoke to me even when our boys were at pre-k together. But she was constantly on my street highly visible at our across the street neighbor visiting hanging out playing, etc. This was @6 years ago but it stung like hell and still sort of does. I've never really felt like I wanted to get close to another mom because of it. I know that seems like an overreaction but I feel like her attitude of running hot then cold with people is a way of life for some Washington women and I can't take it.
TL;dr sorry to hijack, but yeah, rack your brain trying to figure out why someone dropped you like a stone--and you know you didn't do anything wrong--it really hurts.

Anonymous wrote:I would get a small card (either blank or "Thinking of You") and write a quick note saying that you just wanted to say that if there was anything that you or your child had done that had upset this person, to please let you know and leave your e-mail address). Then go on with life as usual. Either, she'll tell you if there is something wrong, or you just assume that you aren't as close as you thought. But this does cover the case that you or your child may have done something that chilled the relationship.

I think this would be over the top, and would come across as whiny. And then she could show others.

Invite her to your party. Be gracious. That's all you can do.

I would get a small card (either blank or "Thinking of You") and write a quick note saying that you just wanted to say that if there was anything that you or your child had done that had upset this person, to please let you know and leave your e-mail address). Then go on with life as usual. Either, she'll tell you if there is something wrong, or you just assume that you aren't as close as you thought. But this does cover the case that you or your child may have done something that chilled the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:i am sorry OP. be the bigger person and extend the invite to
your child's party.

(1) if she chooses not to attend, it's on her, and maybe there is something that isn't gelling between you two. and that is ok! it happens, don't take it as a reflection on you!

(2) if she does attend, it will be a classy lesson to her in manners - that you invited folks regardless of reciprocity.

+1 I agree. I understand you are hurt. But this be more a reflection of her poor manners, and not of some personality defect on your part.

Anonymous wrote:Leaving someone out is fine. Leaving out someone the way the host mom did -- for a party that the excluded mom & kid are very likely to see -- is off.

Agree. I am the organizer of all of our events (and have been for the past two years). There is one mom I hate, but I always include her. It's the right thing to do. We are not children.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of the additional kind words and comments, everyone! I just wanted to say that the other mom (the one who seemed surprised when she saw that we were not invited) -- did say something to me. She said she was sorry to see that we weren't included - she said that she had assumed that the whole neighborhood group had been invited. She was very kind and diplomatic (i.e., she wasn't nasty about the host mom - in reference to the host mom not inviting us, she said something like 'It's not the way we do things, but I guess some people just do things differently'. It was so sweet of her to say something. I thanked her, and told her that there was no need for her to apologize. She was very kind to have noticed and to have expressed sympathy about it to me. And it was really nice to get that validation that someone else found it odd too.

I'm glad for you, OP, that this happened to someone with whom you can interact face-to-face. Nice to have someone acknowledge your feelings and validate your hurt. Now ... hopefully you can move past it ... though I'd struggle with that.

OP here. Thank you for all of the additional kind words and comments, everyone! I just wanted to say that the other mom (the one who seemed surprised when she saw that we were not invited) -- did say something to me. She said she was sorry to see that we weren't included - she said that she had assumed that the whole neighborhood group had been invited. She was very kind and diplomatic (i.e., she wasn't nasty about the host mom - in reference to the host mom not inviting us, she said something like 'It's not the way we do things, but I guess some people just do things differently'. It was so sweet of her to say something. I thanked her, and told her that there was no need for her to apologize. She was very kind to have noticed and to have expressed sympathy about it to me. And it was really nice to get that validation that someone else found it odd too.

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a good life lesson to me. OP, you do sound like a sweetheart, but life is filled with people who don't like you, forget to invite you, or for some reason that has nothing to do with you, don't include you. (By "you" I mean each of us, not you in particular.) We've all had the experience of not being included. You can let it get to you or you can focus on the people you love and who also love you and just live a positive life. It's probably good for your DC to see you modeling an attitude of nonchalance about this so she learns how to let this stuff roll off her back too. And all you've learned here is that this other mom is not someone to invest your time in. She's going to miss out on having a nice friend, but you are not.

Hate to be so cynical but I'm finding that life is full of people who only want to be friends with/chase after the people they find exciting/interesting, potentially helpful etc. That means that people like OP -- who sounds nice, kind, and like a decent person -- are forgotten. I feel the same way often -- if I call people or organize, they are happy to hang out with me and once they get to know me, they think I am a kind, loyal friend. But because I don't stand out as the life of the party and cannot be all that helpful right now in any job/career goal for anyone else, they don't ever give me the first thought. It gets old and I've made efforts to cut such people out, though it's a balance bc you don't want to cut everyone out and then be lonely.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually saw the host mom at the grocery store this morning. We chatted briefly (she was coming out as I was going in) and only really said something like hello, how are you.

I think I am reaching the conclusion that I am not considered a full member of the neighborhood group as I thought I was - at least not by this mom. I think she sees me as someone who shows up and is there, and therefore of course she'll make conversation with me, but she doesn't see me as a friend (and I guess she sees the others as friends). Maybe I come across as trying too hard? It's funny, because out of all of the moms in the group, i feel like she and I might have the most in common because we are both really into athletics, and played the same sport in college.

Anyway, thanks for the posts everyone.

This is interesting. In our neighborhood moms group I though this one mom would be my best friend. We initially connected well and we had a lot in common. Hung out a lot together and with others, our children all got along. Then she started getting funny and playing this exclusion game. She would talk about what her and the other mom's did together and I just listened thinking why was she telling me this and I wasn't even invited. Does she not think this would hurt my feelings? She is now nothing like she was when I met her. On some days she barely speaks to me when we are all at the playground.

I have thought relentlessly about what I could have done to upset her, but I just can't come up with anything. Oh, well.

Yes it would. This kind of stuff happens to me/us sometimes too. It bothers me, because I also feel I get along with others well and then I hear about outings and events everyone went to, but my kids and I were not invited.