Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 22:38     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:Life is full of trade offs. Long hours and few financial worries seems like a fair trade off to me. Money can't buy happiness, but for fairly well grounded people it can smooth over enough rough spots to make life fairly pleasant.

Absolutely.
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 22:36     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Life is full of trade offs. Long hours and few financial worries seems like a fair trade off to me. Money can't buy happiness, but for fairly well grounded people it can smooth over enough rough spots to make life fairly pleasant.
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 22:25     Subject: Re:If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a Dad who chose a career like this. He missed so much. My childhood is gone now, i am middle-aged. My dad is making up for lost time in his retirement now. But you don't get those decades back.

Also, many marriages can survive 15 years like this, maybe, but few can survive 20 or 30. You will get out of your marriage what you put in. If you don't put TIME into relationships, you will one day have no relationship. You may stay married, but the depth of emotional intimacy will wane. That can become an opening for an affair (either emotional or physical) because one or both partners isn't have their emotional needs met within the marriage. They start blaming the other person, instead of looking at the life and choices they have made.

The idea that marriages can survive on a limited amount of "quality time" is a myth. You need quantity as well. You need the dailiness that makes up a relationship, the give-and-take, the time to be in the relaxed presence of your spouse.

At the end of life, what matters entirely is relationships. All the other stuff fades away. You are left with your spouse, your kids, etc. If you live to a very old age, you don't even have your friends or colleagues because they pass away. Eventually, it is your very closest loved ones who will sustain you. If you ignore them for decades, the relationship won't be close. I work as a hospice nurse. I see this every day, as people approach the end of life.

Every wise person, every saint, every sage in every religion has talked about this. It is all about relationships and about love. If you take a job that shortchanges that, you are not going to live as fully as you might have if you had placed people first in your life.

There is no amount of money or career satisfaction that is worth living this way. Take the long view and make some changes to that schedule. Find a way to pursue the work you love without shortchanging the people in your life. You only go around once.

Just my two cents.


You've written one of the wisest posts I've read on DCUM. You truly get it!
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 22:13     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree, I can't believe people live like this and can actually say they are "happy". We may not have the high income or nanny or McMansion but we sit down to eat together as a family EVERY night. Call me judgemental or whatever but I wouldn't trade our FAMILY time for anything.

No one's asking you to trade. But from a different perspective: DH grew up poor, works very hard, is extremely successful and has 20 year long business relationships. So he's basically on call 24/7, worldwide. But we take fabulous family vacations, saw the Caps game today from VIP seats, I can hire any help I need, kids won't need to be strapped with student loans, etc. etc. The kids are actually turning out to be responsible and level-headed and all-around likable (for teenagers, anyway). You don't need to trade places with me but really, don't feel sorry for me.


I'm sure those VIP seats make up for an absentee dad. Such a stereotype, don't you see?

Oh, no, the entire family went to the game and we all go on the awesome vacations. Those experiences are, well, priceless. No idea what stereotype you're claiming.
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 21:53     Subject: Re:If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a Dad who chose a career like this. He missed so much. My childhood is gone now, i am middle-aged. My dad is making up for lost time in his retirement now. But you don't get those decades back.

Also, many marriages can survive 15 years like this, maybe, but few can survive 20 or 30. You will get out of your marriage what you put in. If you don't put TIME into relationships, you will one day have no relationship. You may stay married, but the depth of emotional intimacy will wane. That can become an opening for an affair (either emotional or physical) because one or both partners isn't have their emotional needs met within the marriage. They start blaming the other person, instead of looking at the life and choices they have made.

The idea that marriages can survive on a limited amount of "quality time" is a myth. You need quantity as well. You need the dailiness that makes up a relationship, the give-and-take, the time to be in the relaxed presence of your spouse.

At the end of life, what matters entirely is relationships. All the other stuff fades away. You are left with your spouse, your kids, etc. If you live to a very old age, you don't even have your friends or colleagues because they pass away. Eventually, it is your very closest loved ones who will sustain you. If you ignore them for decades, the relationship won't be close. I work as a hospice nurse. I see this every day, as people approach the end of life.

Every wise person, every saint, every sage in every religion has talked about this. It is all about relationships and about love. If you take a job that shortchanges that, you are not going to live as fully as you might have if you had placed people first in your life.

There is no amount of money or career satisfaction that is worth living this way. Take the long view and make some changes to that schedule. Find a way to pursue the work you love without shortchanging the people in your life. You only go around once.

Just my two cents.


+1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZwm4kPllJg

Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 21:52     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree, I can't believe people live like this and can actually say they are "happy". We may not have the high income or nanny or McMansion but we sit down to eat together as a family EVERY night. Call me judgemental or whatever but I wouldn't trade our FAMILY time for anything.

No one's asking you to trade. But from a different perspective: DH grew up poor, works very hard, is extremely successful and has 20 year long business relationships. So he's basically on call 24/7, worldwide. But we take fabulous family vacations, saw the Caps game today from VIP seats, I can hire any help I need, kids won't need to be strapped with student loans, etc. etc. The kids are actually turning out to be responsible and level-headed and all-around likable (for teenagers, anyway). You don't need to trade places with me but really, don't feel sorry for me.


I'm sure those VIP seats make up for an absentee dad. Such a stereotype, don't you see?
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 21:25     Subject: Re:If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a Dad who chose a career like this. He missed so much. My childhood is gone now, i am middle-aged. My dad is making up for lost time in his retirement now. But you don't get those decades back.

Also, many marriages can survive 15 years like this, maybe, but few can survive 20 or 30. You will get out of your marriage what you put in. If you don't put TIME into relationships, you will one day have no relationship. You may stay married, but the depth of emotional intimacy will wane. That can become an opening for an affair (either emotional or physical) because one or both partners isn't have their emotional needs met within the marriage. They start blaming the other person, instead of looking at the life and choices they have made.

The idea that marriages can survive on a limited amount of "quality time" is a myth. You need quantity as well. You need the dailiness that makes up a relationship, the give-and-take, the time to be in the relaxed presence of your spouse.

At the end of life, what matters entirely is relationships. All the other stuff fades away. You are left with your spouse, your kids, etc. If you live to a very old age, you don't even have your friends or colleagues because they pass away. Eventually, it is your very closest loved ones who will sustain you. If you ignore them for decades, the relationship won't be close. I work as a hospice nurse. I see this every day, as people approach the end of life.

Every wise person, every saint, every sage in every religion has talked about this. It is all about relationships and about love. If you take a job that shortchanges that, you are not going to live as fully as you might have if you had placed people first in your life.

There is no amount of money or career satisfaction that is worth living this way. Take the long view and make some changes to that schedule. Find a way to pursue the work you love without shortchanging the people in your life. You only go around once.

Just my two cents.


+1000000
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 20:57     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:I agree, I can't believe people live like this and can actually say they are "happy". We may not have the high income or nanny or McMansion but we sit down to eat together as a family EVERY night. Call me judgemental or whatever but I wouldn't trade our FAMILY time for anything.

No one's asking you to trade. But from a different perspective: DH grew up poor, works very hard, is extremely successful and has 20 year long business relationships. So he's basically on call 24/7, worldwide. But we take fabulous family vacations, saw the Caps game today from VIP seats, I can hire any help I need, kids won't need to be strapped with student loans, etc. etc. The kids are actually turning out to be responsible and level-headed and all-around likable (for teenagers, anyway). You don't need to trade places with me but really, don't feel sorry for me.
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 20:54     Subject: Re:If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
I grew up with a Dad who chose a career like this. He missed so much. My childhood is gone now, i am middle-aged. My dad is making up for lost time in his retirement now. But you don't get those decades back.

Also, many marriages can survive 15 years like this, maybe, but few can survive 20 or 30. You will get out of your marriage what you put in. If you don't put TIME into relationships, you will one day have no relationship. You may stay married, but the depth of emotional intimacy will wane. That can become an opening for an affair (either emotional or physical) because one or both partners isn't have their emotional needs met within the marriage. They start blaming the other person, instead of looking at the life and choices they have made.

The idea that marriages can survive on a limited amount of "quality time" is a myth. You need quantity as well. You need the dailiness that makes up a relationship, the give-and-take, the time to be in the relaxed presence of your spouse.

At the end of life, what matters entirely is relationships. All the other stuff fades away. You are left with your spouse, your kids, etc. If you live to a very old age, you don't even have your friends or colleagues because they pass away. Eventually, it is your very closest loved ones who will sustain you. If you ignore them for decades, the relationship won't be close. I work as a hospice nurse. I see this every day, as people approach the end of life.

Every wise person, every saint, every sage in every religion has talked about this. It is all about relationships and about love. If you take a job that shortchanges that, you are not going to live as fully as you might have if you had placed people first in your life.

There is no amount of money or career satisfaction that is worth living this way. Take the long view and make some changes to that schedule. Find a way to pursue the work you love without shortchanging the people in your life. You only go around once.

Just my two cents.
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 20:54     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
So after reading all this I'm tempted to give DH some good lovin as a thank you for all he does. He's a senior associate at a big firm but works the same hours as the partners. He gets up with our one year old every morning, feeds him breakfast, gets him dressed, and plays with him while I'm at the gym. Night hours vary- usually between 7 and 8- but there was a stretch when DH was an infant that he had a huge case and he traveled every week and worked till midnight when he was home. DS goes to bed at 6:30 though so I still do that shift alone. On the weekends we each take a morning to sleep in and then he spends as much time playing with our son as possible. We are actually at a crossroads now where he is debating between a DOJ job possibility and staying where he is and heading toward partner. We shall see...
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 20:47     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
I agree, I can't believe people live like this and can actually say they are "happy". We may not have the high income or nanny or McMansion but we sit down to eat together as a family EVERY night. Call me judgemental or whatever but I wouldn't trade our FAMILY time for anything.
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 20:35     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Home once a week for dinner? Home at 10 each night? Cant believe people live this way.


blah blah blah

of course, because everything that is not the same as what *you* do, is somehow not acceptable.


You're right, I think a father having dinner with his family once a week isn't acceptable. I also don't think working til 10 each night is acceptable. What about time for your relationship? Time to focus on the kids? If you think this IS ok, I truly feel sorry for you.


Funny, i likewise think those things are unacceptable. But if other people are okay with it, i just think we're different, not right or wrong. And I Only feel sorry for the people whohave to deal with negative, judgmental people like yourself in real life!


This is pretty universally crappy for the wife and especially the kids. Not judgmental - just true. Their dad just isn't in their lives, and that sucks for all involved.
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 20:34     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When will the politicians talk about the real problem of income inequality with lawyers not ceos or wallstreet. Oh wait obama , edwards, clintons were lawyers


You're upset about income "inequality" with people who spend $100,000 on graduate school, wrk SIX days a week, 9 a.m. to 10 p.m.?


Lots of people work those types of hours and barely make $30K because they have to work multiple jobs and yes, they are paying off school loans too. Perhaps not 100K, but let's stop this "they work so hard" crap as if others don't.

Look at the bright side OP, after all is said and done, at least you can pay your bills. It sure would suck to have a DH working those hours and still be hungry at night.

Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 20:25     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:And also, what kind of involvement with the kids?

My spouse gets home between 8:30 and 10 most nights. Does not help in mornings with kids but sleeps in so he can be productive at work. Helps out at least 1 day per weekend -- other one is usually spent at office. Trying to gauge if this is the norm.


6:15 pm, has dinner with the family, gets kids to bed, then up until midnight or later working from home office. Weekends are a mixed bag, but can usually work from home before kids are up and after kids to bed.
Anonymous
Post 05/05/2012 20:17     Subject: If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Home at 7. Helps put kids to bed, then works more.

Makes breakfast. Leaves house at 9.

Makes $500K. Not a million but the kids spend time with him every day. I work too. More flexible hours and much less money. It is my job to order diapers, put away toys, etc.


It's all relative. My DH is home by 6:30 (not BigLaw) and makes 350K. I say that's pretty damn good. 500K is a LOT of money.



You misread. I make less for more flexible hours. DH is the one making 500. Its a ton but if he went elsewhere and worked even more, he'd make a million. It's not worth it.