Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 11:06     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dh and I are affectionate in public but in the back of my mind I always wonder if we are going to make it. If we got divorced down the road, I know our friends would be surprised. I wouldn't. But it's all speculation on my part.


So totally our marriage.


Interesting. DH is not affectionate in public or private, but we're not going to get divorced. He's too lazy and I get my needs met through other people. We have too much at stake between the kids and our nest egg to ever divorce.


I remember hearing my parents (happily married for 49 years!) say when I was a kid that the overly affectionate in public couples are usually the ones headed for divorce. In my lifetime- this has seemed to play out. The couples I know that can bicker occassionally or air their differences of opinion, see them get pissed every once a while in spouse tend to be healthier in general.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 10:58     Subject: Re:So weird, all the divorces.
I agree with PP. Marriages are way more complex than just sex.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 10:58     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have had 3 friends find out their husband was cheating on them in an awful, awful way. Each was different but equally demoralizing, upsetting, disgusting and crappy. Only one is staying with her husband and I think it was his first and only time BUT he got caught really publically.

I was shocked at the man who did this each time - never thought he was the type. Same about one woman I know who cheated and left her husband and child(ren).

I always think now that it could be me, it could be her, him, frankly it could be anyone of us. I dont think we ever know other people as well as we think we do, not even our husbands, parenets, children. Everyone has secret, dark parts of themselves that they hide from others. I used to not believe this but I know now it is true.

What would stop me, I believe, is the fear of my children hating me or not being able to look at me with love and respect. I also would be afraid of not being able to look at myself in the mirror.


Like your friends, I found out that my husband was cheating on me in an awful, awful way. NO ONE would ever imagine that my husband would be the type of man to do the things he's done. People have the hardest time believing it.

Since my separation began, I have found an inner strength that I never imagined I had. My days are getting better and better - I realize I can survive without a husband. Life goes on, and it can be a full, joyful, new life. But my children - that's different. The legacy of their father's cheating will overshadow their lives, and it's heartbreaking. They don't know about it now, but it's not something that can be kept a secret forever. Sooner or later they will start asking hard questions. I dread that day, but I probably don't dread it as much as their dad does.



Americans are so uptight about infidelity. You need to accept it and move past it, and it should not be the reason to end a marriage.



In my case, the infidelity would represent a fundamental lack of respect for me and our marriage. It's not the sex itself that would cause me to leave- it would be the knowledge that my spouse thought so little of me that he would betray my trust and lie to my face, and put his enjoyment ahead of everything we have built together. I could not remain in a marriage where I felt I was not respected and that is why I would leave.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 10:53     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have had 3 friends find out their husband was cheating on them in an awful, awful way. Each was different but equally demoralizing, upsetting, disgusting and crappy. Only one is staying with her husband and I think it was his first and only time BUT he got caught really publically.

I was shocked at the man who did this each time - never thought he was the type. Same about one woman I know who cheated and left her husband and child(ren).

I always think now that it could be me, it could be her, him, frankly it could be anyone of us. I dont think we ever know other people as well as we think we do, not even our husbands, parenets, children. Everyone has secret, dark parts of themselves that they hide from others. I used to not believe this but I know now it is true.

What would stop me, I believe, is the fear of my children hating me or not being able to look at me with love and respect. I also would be afraid of not being able to look at myself in the mirror.


Like your friends, I found out that my husband was cheating on me in an awful, awful way. NO ONE would ever imagine that my husband would be the type of man to do the things he's done. People have the hardest time believing it.

Since my separation began, I have found an inner strength that I never imagined I had. My days are getting better and better - I realize I can survive without a husband. Life goes on, and it can be a full, joyful, new life. But my children - that's different. The legacy of their father's cheating will overshadow their lives, and it's heartbreaking. They don't know about it now, but it's not something that can be kept a secret forever. Sooner or later they will start asking hard questions. I dread that day, but I probably don't dread it as much as their dad does.



Americans are so uptight about infidelity. You need to accept it and move past it, and it should not be the reason to end a marriage.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 10:21     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We probably seem to everyone to be a happily married couple. We've been married 6 years, together for almost 9, and have two young kids. We're pretty social and are pretty loving with each other - never bicker or anything in public. We have a nice little house and happy kids and everything probably seems great to everyone else. But only my best friend knows that my husband cheated on me last year. It was just a physical affair and very brief, but was utterly devastating to me. We have been in counseling and he has been great. I am trying desperately to forgive because of the kids. But we'll see. I'm sure everyone who knows us would be shocked if they knew this.


I could never forgive my husband for cheating on me. That would be the end. I'd rather be alone.


You say that now, as I did, but when you're faced with the reality, it may be a different story. It's also not always cheating and finding out in the "awful awful way" that PPs have found out - there are different variations from years long relationships conducted behind a wive's back to one-time drunken mistakes. For my own particular situation, I think it would have been much more damaging to divorce given what he did and how he has acted since. He did a complete 180 as a man and as a father. It woke him the f up and he begged my forgiveness and has been showing me consistently fo almost a year now that he made a mistake and that he is remorseful and committed to us.

Would I prefer that it wasn't this way? Of course. And I will never have the innocence and the true faith in love that I had, and I'll be honest, I have lost a bit of respect for him as a man and a person that I will never get back. But I don't think divorcing him would have led me to a better place either. And it certainly is better for our kids.

Please don't judge - you have no idea of everyone's particular situation and really you have no idea what you'd do if your husband came to you and admitted he'd made a horrible mistake and begged your forgiveness.


I am also still with my husband after infidelity. It has been a real struggle. And yes, I once was a "I'll leave you in a second if you cheat" kind of person. Reality is a lot more complicated than black and white absolutes. In my case, I strongly agree with this poster. Husband also did 180, and worked to put our marriage back together. There are people who don't know, and I don't think they'd ever suspect he was a cheater. He doesn't seem the type, and his turning a 180 has put him back into being a solid, dependable, reliable, person. It has, however, absolutely changed a part of how I view him. I am not a jealous type who constantly asks where he is and what he's doing, but I can definitely say I don't have 100% faith and trust in him anymore. And honestly, maybe that's not a terrible thing. I certainly don't take being married for granted and now also work at the marriage. And yes, I very much believe that staying together (in a decent marriage) is much better for the kids than the alternative.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 10:00     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I always feel like it would be impossible to fall out of love with your spouse once you've had children together -- having children just feels like such a bonding experience -- i can't imagine ever wanting to leave my spouse now that we have two kids. But you never know. It's scary to think how things can change quickly.


I think for divorced couples with children, they always love their ex-spouse as the parent of their child. But that is not the kind of love that can sustain you through fundamental incompatibility and/or the tough things that life throws at all of us, so I can see how it happens. Be lucky you feel that way!


I strongly disagree with both of these statements. Kids can expose the minor cracks in your marriage and widen them. They are really the merging together of your upbringing and values -- so much moreso than marriage.

I don't love my ex-spouse in any capacity... I barely have any shred of respect for him. However, that doesn't mean I would ever make it difficult for him to see our children. That only hurts the kids. (My mom used to make it hard for my dad...and all I remember is how that bothered me as a kid.)
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 08:49     Subject: Re:So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option? We've been married for 25 years. We have five children. We've had some rough times. But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life. He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years. The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife. Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands. How do you talk to your own husband at home? Do you speak negatively about him to friends? Does he feel loved and most of all respected. All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives. Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved. Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things. It's not right. But it's reality. Men need to be the "king of their castle".


Well gee, you make it sound like all husbands deserve respect. I work more hours a week outside the home, do more of the household management and child raising. I appreciate his contributions, but it's not like he's the stronger spouse or even an equal partner. Plus he'd rather watch TV than go out with me or even have sex. Respect and love are two way streets.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 08:44     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dh and I are affectionate in public but in the back of my mind I always wonder if we are going to make it. If we got divorced down the road, I know our friends would be surprised. I wouldn't. But it's all speculation on my part.


So totally our marriage.


Interesting. DH is not affectionate in public or private, but we're not going to get divorced. He's too lazy and I get my needs met through other people. We have too much at stake between the kids and our nest egg to ever divorce.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 07:25     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:
New poster here. Well, research actually says that the number one reason for divorce for couples with children is INFIDELITY. It has NOTHING to do with disagreements and positive or negative interactions.

Your post is very naive. Disagreements do not cause infidelity.

>>>>>>>>>>>

Divorced from infidelity here. I think that underlying stresses in a marriage contribute to infidelity. Including disagreements. Which may also be a part of underlying stresses.


I'm the poster who is staying with the husband that cheated and I completely agree it's not like infidelity happens out of the blue in a 100% happy relationship most of the time. For us, there were major disagreements that led up the cheating. I'd say the cheating was a symptom of a greater relationship communication/problem, and I suspect we're not alone in that.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 06:59     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.

New poster here. Well, research actually says that the number one reason for divorce for couples with children is INFIDELITY. It has NOTHING to do with disagreements and positive or negative interactions.

Your post is very naive. Disagreements do not cause infidelity.

>>>>>>>>>>>

Divorced from infidelity here. I think that underlying stresses in a marriage contribute to infidelity. Including disagreements. Which may also be a part of underlying stresses.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 06:33     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We probably seem to everyone to be a happily married couple. We've been married 6 years, together for almost 9, and have two young kids. We're pretty social and are pretty loving with each other - never bicker or anything in public. We have a nice little house and happy kids and everything probably seems great to everyone else. But only my best friend knows that my husband cheated on me last year. It was just a physical affair and very brief, but was utterly devastating to me. We have been in counseling and he has been great. I am trying desperately to forgive because of the kids. But we'll see. I'm sure everyone who knows us would be shocked if they knew this.


I could never forgive my husband for cheating on me. That would be the end. I'd rather be alone.


You say that now, as I did, but when you're faced with the reality, it may be a different story. It's also not always cheating and finding out in the "awful awful way" that PPs have found out - there are different variations from years long relationships conducted behind a wive's back to one-time drunken mistakes. For my own particular situation, I think it would have been much more damaging to divorce given what he did and how he has acted since. He did a complete 180 as a man and as a father. It woke him the f up and he begged my forgiveness and has been showing me consistently fo almost a year now that he made a mistake and that he is remorseful and committed to us.

Would I prefer that it wasn't this way? Of course. And I will never have the innocence and the true faith in love that I had, and I'll be honest, I have lost a bit of respect for him as a man and a person that I will never get back. But I don't think divorcing him would have led me to a better place either. And it certainly is better for our kids.

Please don't judge - you have no idea of everyone's particular situation and really you have no idea what you'd do if your husband came to you and admitted he'd made a horrible mistake and begged your forgiveness.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 06:30     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We probably seem to everyone to be a happily married couple. We've been married 6 years, together for almost 9, and have two young kids. We're pretty social and are pretty loving with each other - never bicker or anything in public. We have a nice little house and happy kids and everything probably seems great to everyone else. But only my best friend knows that my husband cheated on me last year. It was just a physical affair and very brief, but was utterly devastating to me. We have been in counseling and he has been great. I am trying desperately to forgive because of the kids. But we'll see. I'm sure everyone who knows us would be shocked if they knew this.


I could never forgive my husband for cheating on me. That would be the end. I'd rather be alone.


Aot of people say this and mean it, but until you've been in that position, you don't know how you will react.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 05:38     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:We probably seem to everyone to be a happily married couple. We've been married 6 years, together for almost 9, and have two young kids. We're pretty social and are pretty loving with each other - never bicker or anything in public. We have a nice little house and happy kids and everything probably seems great to everyone else. But only my best friend knows that my husband cheated on me last year. It was just a physical affair and very brief, but was utterly devastating to me. We have been in counseling and he has been great. I am trying desperately to forgive because of the kids. But we'll see. I'm sure everyone who knows us would be shocked if they knew this.


I could never forgive my husband for cheating on me. That would be the end. I'd rather be alone.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2012 04:40     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:I always feel like it would be impossible to fall out of love with your spouse once you've had children together -- having children just feels like such a bonding experience -- i can't imagine ever wanting to leave my spouse now that we have two kids. But you never know. It's scary to think how things can change quickly.


Once I lost a sense of my husband as a good father (something I always thought he'd been), then leaving became a non-issue. He was a shit husband, but to find out he was a lousy Dad is what ended things.

Anonymous
Post 04/30/2012 22:46     Subject: So weird, all the divorces.
Anonymous wrote:I have had 3 friends find out their husband was cheating on them in an awful, awful way. Each was different but equally demoralizing, upsetting, disgusting and crappy. Only one is staying with her husband and I think it was his first and only time BUT he got caught really publically.

I was shocked at the man who did this each time - never thought he was the type. Same about one woman I know who cheated and left her husband and child(ren).

I always think now that it could be me, it could be her, him, frankly it could be anyone of us. I dont think we ever know other people as well as we think we do, not even our husbands, parenets, children. Everyone has secret, dark parts of themselves that they hide from others. I used to not believe this but I know now it is true.

What would stop me, I believe, is the fear of my children hating me or not being able to look at me with love and respect. I also would be afraid of not being able to look at myself in the mirror.


Like your friends, I found out that my husband was cheating on me in an awful, awful way. NO ONE would ever imagine that my husband would be the type of man to do the things he's done. People have the hardest time believing it.

Since my separation began, I have found an inner strength that I never imagined I had. My days are getting better and better - I realize I can survive without a husband. Life goes on, and it can be a full, joyful, new life. But my children - that's different. The legacy of their father's cheating will overshadow their lives, and it's heartbreaking. They don't know about it now, but it's not something that can be kept a secret forever. Sooner or later they will start asking hard questions. I dread that day, but I probably don't dread it as much as their dad does.