Go for it, OP! But don't get upset if you don't get the response you want, or any response at all. I know, personally, that if a former friend who had hurt me were to apologize sincerely right now (not that I'm thinking of anyone in particular...) I would be touched, but I wouldn't want to resume the friendship -- or even the acquaintance. But it would make me think better of the person.

Anonymous wrote:What is a buck and doe?

I had no idea either, so I googled it. Basically it's a party where everyone buys a "ticket" to attend. It's a fundraiser for the wedding and/or honeymoon. It's also called a Jack and Jill.

Sounds supremely tacky.

What is a buck and doe?

It's hard to see the downside to apologizing. Some people may appreciate hearing from you; others may not. Either way, you're no worse off than you were before you apologized and you could be better off.

I think you should apologize. Even many years later, it is the right thing to do. A few years ago I was a bridesmaid for a cousin who I was very close to. Her behavior was an disgrace. Everything from slighting me, to demanding, to ignoring, to leaving me out, to never thanking me. Our relationship suffered a great deal due to this, and will never ever be the same again. That being said, if she were to apologize, I would graciously accept and think a little more of her.

I think you should apologize. Just don't expect anything in return because what's done is done and you can't go back. Not a bad idea to just put it out there though. I have a cautionary tale for all the brides out there. It was a sad, unfortunate incident but helped me learn so much for my own wedding on how to treat others. I lost a dear old friend because of being in her wedding and how poorly she treated others. From the start, I had laid out my work commitments and informed her of these, which she agreed was fine. Firstly, she wanted everyone to have the same dress that cost a good buck. Fine, no worries, that's what friends are for. Then we all planned and attended her bridal shower and brought a gift. After that, she decided to have a buck and doe and charge everyone, including her bridal party, the most excessive amount of money I've ever heard of to attend. I could not afford to attend, nor get the time off of work as previously told to her at the beginning of my agreement to be in her wedding. She lost her mind at me, and then demanded I buy a ticket to the buck and doe regardless of going and solicit donations from people and companies. I refused both requests. I offered to throw her a bachelorette party, whatever and wherever she wanted. She refused multiple times. Come the wedding day, I was so ill. The wedding was on the other side of the state. I happened to be 10 minutes late for wedding photos because of how sick I was and couldn't find the location. However, it all worked out, photos were taken and looked great. I also gave her a generous wedding gift. She was miserable the whole day, thanked no one in her speech and a couple of days after the wedding emailed me calling me a fucking bitch, C*** and telling me how I wasn't there for her at all on her wedding day because I couldn't afford to go to her buck and doe, how I should have called in sick to go and how I was 10 minutes late to her photo shoot and didn't throw her a "surprise" bachelorette party!. Never got a thank you card for being in her wedding or for my several hundred dollar gift. Needless to say, I will never be her friend again. I can forgive her and do and wish her well but the damage is done. She has never apologized but I would at least apprecaite the offer if she did. Do NOT be like this ladies, you will lose all your friends like she did. I am so sad for her, but learned so much for my own wedding and my bridesmaids and I had a rockin time. Its not worth it. Your wedding will never be perfect anyhow.

I received an apology 10 years later from a friend I lost touch with (non-recovery). It was heartfelt and it meant a lot to me. We did not recover the friendship to the same degree - but we keep in touch via facebook.

It was important to me to know that she reached back to apologize for something was truly hurtful to me - and I DID think about it over the years.

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you a 12 stepper?

Sounds like the apology is all about YOU, just like your precious special day.

Obviously someone who knows nothing about the 12 steps.

The past is the past. Let it be. If your behavior was so bad that you lost friends over it, I don't think anyone is going to be interested in revisiting. My advice? If you want to make amends, reach out and try to rekindle the friendship. Let them know you've been thinking about them and that you would like to know how they're doing. Provide a nice, succinct update about yourself, but be sure to inquire a lot about them. If you know they've gotten married, or had children, be sure to ask how that's going. Don't mention what drove the wedge; it's just not important after 8 years. Give them an option to respond by providing an e-mail address, or a phone number. If they do, seize the moment and try to your best to move forward with a renewed friendship.

This is what I did with a friend I had a falling out with (not over a wedding, FYI) and it worked beautifully. We were in grad school at the time of the falling out and were growing apart. These things happen, but I realized later on that I missed her friendship, so decided to do something about it. Even after 10 years of not speaking, we were able to salvage our friendship and move forward. It took some time and we never addressed what went wrong the first time because it just wasn't relevant to us being friends now. We leveraged our former closeness and built on that. About as close as we came to either addressing what went wrong or apologizing for bad behavior was to express to one another that we were really happy to be friends again.

Just FYI, every time I've gotten an apology from someone that was many years after that fac, that person was in the midst of 12-stepping. These women will probably think you're in some kind of recovery. Just saying... but not that there's anything wrong with that. (to paraphrase Seinfeld)

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you a 12 stepper?

Sounds like the apology is all about YOU, just like your precious special day.

um yeah, of course the apology is about her and what is wrong with that?? OP, if this will give you "closure" and make you stop re-playing these thoughts in your mind, then I say go for it. It doesn't sound like you have unreasonable expectations of how these women are supposed to react, and that's a good thing. Just do it for yourself.

PP here who wrote the apology out. I think it is interesting that the people who have received apologies are telling you to go for it. Obviously those meant a lot.

Agree with 5:57 - why would this make you self-absorbed? Self aware that you were wrong is a fabulous thing, not a bad thing at all.

to all of those who said that the other women have moved on - I don't think OP doesn't get that they have. I am sure she's moved on and realizes that they have too. But what's wrong with saying that she still feels bad and is sorry?

OP, please let us know what you decide to do and what happens!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say this is why some women have a reputation of being nuts.

This is totally neurotic. You're FORMER friends will have a good chuckle.

Do it if it will make you feel better, but this is just an exercise in vanity and self-help BS. You're former friends are not sitting around thinking about you and your behavior from years ago. They have lives and have moved on and will more than likely see this as a reflection of your self-absoprtion.

If you feel guilty about past behavior, do your penance via charity or volunteer work.

If I got an apology like this from someone years later, I would think a) it was random and b) she was stuck on herself and in the past.

This is spot on. These women will also think something else: why did it take you 8 (or however many) years to finally see the light? You should have realized when they first started ignoring you that it was due to your bridezilla behavior. 8 years later and you're just now having your come to jesus moment?? Please. The fact that it took this long just shows how stuck on yourself and your own drama you are.

I don't get this at all. Personal growth = self-absorption? So, when George Wallace realized that his racism was wrong, that was just being stuck on himself and his own drama? It's a bad idea to think about past actions and learn something from them because it means you are selfish and immature? Your personal credo in my opinion really makes no sense.

Anonymous wrote:Op no matter how long it has been, I think its great that you are acknowledging and reflecting on this. It shows growth and that you are comfortable with who you are now.

Good for you!

+1. I think it's very kind of you to want to apologize.

Anonymous wrote:I have to say this is why some women have a reputation of being nuts.

This is totally neurotic. You're FORMER friends will have a good chuckle.

Do it if it will make you feel better, but this is just an exercise in vanity and self-help BS. You're former friends are not sitting around thinking about you and your behavior from years ago. They have lives and have moved on and will more than likely see this as a reflection of your self-absoprtion.

If you feel guilty about past behavior, do your penance via charity or volunteer work.

If I got an apology like this from someone years later, I would think a) it was random and b) she was stuck on herself and in the past.

This is spot on. These women will also think something else: why did it take you 8 (or however many) years to finally see the light? You should have realized when they first started ignoring you that it was due to your bridezilla behavior. 8 years later and you're just now having your come to jesus moment?? Please. The fact that it took this long just shows how stuck on yourself and your own drama you are.