PP here. If your husband did not know about your attraction to another man in the first place or if it's been a while since you expressed that and he's had no further reason for concern, then he should not be checking your emails.

Your husband knows about your attraction to another man. He is checking if anything more is going on. I might do the same thing in his situation.

OP, this could be very destructive to your marriage.

My advice would be that you voluntarily give your DH all access to all your stuff. Give him the reassurance he seems to need. Since you have nothing to hide, act in the best interest of the larger organism which is your marriage here.

I understand your feelings about privacy but obviously there is a problem here - his - and you'd be well advised to give him what he needs to get over it.

Oh and the changing passwords would be proof that he has something to hide. Why else would he change them?

If the genders were switched, the post would be:

I think my husband is having an affair. What do I do?

The response would be:

1. Trust your instincts
2. Collect evidence
3. Get a lawyer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here.
Oh, and by the way: The OP is totally right that is creepy and angry and unfair for her DH to snoop. Email and letters and phone conversations should be private. Not EVERY single thing we feel or talk about with parents/close friends should necessarily be open book for our spouses. Jesus. Have you people NEVER had a conversation with a friend over dinner that your husband would be upset by if he heard? Never? Like bitching about him or talking about sex or whatever? If you have those chats does that mean youre a cheating evil bitch? I mean, jesus.

And this is coming from someone who is totally faithful and has nothing to hide in that department. When it comes to other men, he can read any of the emails because none are even borderline flirty! But my emails are my correspondence. They are for ME and there are some parts of me that I want to have for ME, dammit!

I think this is true. I can't understand all the people defending the husband. It sounds weird that he should read her email. I would find that extremely disturbing, even though if there were any particular emails that he strongly wanted to see, I'd let him.

My husband is actually extremely protective of his email (ie, never even leaves it open when I'm around) I find this weird, but I have chosen to trust him. If I described it here on DCUM, though you all would have him having all kinds of affairs.

and they would be telling you to snoop

Anonymous wrote:PP here.
Oh, and by the way: The OP is totally right that is creepy and angry and unfair for her DH to snoop. Email and letters and phone conversations should be private. Not EVERY single thing we feel or talk about with parents/close friends should necessarily be open book for our spouses. Jesus. Have you people NEVER had a conversation with a friend over dinner that your husband would be upset by if he heard? Never? Like bitching about him or talking about sex or whatever? If you have those chats does that mean youre a cheating evil bitch? I mean, jesus.

And this is coming from someone who is totally faithful and has nothing to hide in that department. When it comes to other men, he can read any of the emails because none are even borderline flirty! But my emails are my correspondence. They are for ME and there are some parts of me that I want to have for ME, dammit!

I think this is true. I can't understand all the people defending the husband. It sounds weird that he should read her email. I would find that extremely disturbing, even though if there were any particular emails that he strongly wanted to see, I'd let him.

My husband is actually extremely protective of his email (ie, never even leaves it open when I'm around) I find this weird, but I have chosen to trust him. If I described it here on DCUM, though you all would have him having all kinds of affairs.

New poster here. OP, if it were me, I would cut your DH some slack and try and talk through this with him. But, that's because I'm coming from a different place from you, and think I may be more like your DH than you. I don't really give a rat's ass if my DH looks through my emails. I don't have any private correspondence that I would worry about him seeing. Maybe that's wierd, but, it's true. But I do struggle w/ trust issues, even after 8 great years with him, knowing he is a loyal, wonderful man. Before DH, I was in a long-term relationship with someone who lied a lot and carried on lots of "borderline" relationships w/ female "friends" (very flirty, some covert, and several probably crossed the line--I'll never know for sure, or how far, b/c he lied about them to the end). Point being, my trust was breached in the past, and even though I know my DH is SO not my ex, sometimes in my weaker moments doubts seeded from past experiences (and probably from age old family issues) *do* creep back in. Indeed I have looked through my DH's emails before, at times like that. Not often, but twice in 7 years, I have done it. And both times I felt like absolute sh*t. And told him about it. And aplologized. And felt like an ass. And we've talked about it. He doesn't like it, but he knows of my past experience and he gets it. And undoubtedly, when that has happened, something else has been festering in the background of our life/relationship that we needed to talk about. We finally unearth it, talk it out, and things are fine again. All that to say, does your DH have trust issues from long ago that he still struggles with, even if your marriage is, for the most part, strong? If so (or even if not so), it could be your admitting your "honest attraction" to the other guy is really challenging for him, and stokes those fires, even if he truly wishes he didn't have the responses he does, which prompt him to snoop. That would be my reaction, for one, even if I totally get the fact that "honest attractions" are normal and will happen in life. I'm not saying that this excuses your DH's behavior, just trying to put a perspective out there from someone who has done the same in the past. Embarressing, but true. What has helped us is to basically just keep an open book, w/ no passwords on emails, etc. That's the antithesis of what it was like w/ my ex, who was the king of covert, and by taking that route, it diffuses much. The rest I need to keep workign on myself. Just another perspective, for what it's worth.

19:37 here. I agree. This is why I said I understand why OP is upset. I would be too. Private communication should be private and we all have an expectation that it will be (I dont read DH's mail, email, etc he doesn't read mine). I think the problem may be that because there are so many passwords, there's a feeling that there are things to hide. OP's husband needs to learn that he can trust her, but to be honest, if DH were telling me about every attractive woman he saw, I might wonder why his eye was wandering so much and it would make me uneasy.

PP here.
Oh, and by the way: The OP is totally right that is creepy and angry and unfair for her DH to snoop. Email and letters and phone conversations should be private. Not EVERY single thing we feel or talk about with parents/close friends should necessarily be open book for our spouses. Jesus. Have you people NEVER had a conversation with a friend over dinner that your husband would be upset by if he heard? Never? Like bitching about him or talking about sex or whatever? If you have those chats does that mean youre a cheating evil bitch? I mean, jesus.

And this is coming from someone who is totally faithful and has nothing to hide in that department. When it comes to other men, he can read any of the emails because none are even borderline flirty! But my emails are my correspondence. They are for ME and there are some parts of me that I want to have for ME, dammit!

new poster
here's a question: I sometimes write to my best friend, sister or mother about my concerns, worries and problems which do sometimes (not often) revolve around my relationship with my husband. I don't want him reading these because sometimes they are written to VENT about him to people I trust. My husband and I do have a pretty good open communication and anything I say to my mom about him I have also brought up with DH. But the fact is there are times I want their perspective on something or I just want to vent or lean on someone other than my husband. (Like about how hard he works, his long hours, his taciturn nature). And while my husband knows my passwords and has gone into my account for various reasons (and told me later...he needed an email address, or an email we both received that he deleted. etc) I WOULD be upset if he started reading my "sent emails" to my mom or sister. 99% of them would have NOTHING to do with him but the other 1% would. And he would get hurt and embarrassed because i don't think he understands that women are usually more open with their friends/fam about their home lives and marriage and that it is normal to send the occasional email about one's worries or fears...

There are some crazy posters on this thread.

You are right, OP. Your husband should not be reading your email. You are entitled to your personal privacy and that doesn't change just because you married.

Honest, as in my DH knows I think he's cute. As opposed to secretly having the hots for someone and my DH picking up on it, asking me and me lying through my teeth.

I don't even get it!

What is the explanation of the "honest attraction"?

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage will not last. You've got distrust, snooping, anger, indignation, contempt and god knows what else.

This.