If you have family emergencies or serious family obligations/situations, how are you asking about hanging out or scheduling get-togethers?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a very serious illness in our family that we don't share much about with other people - it gets very complicated quickly and it is no one's business. The result is that I blow things off all the time. It upsets me a great deal that I do this, but I do my best. No advice, just the suggestion of compassion.

We have a similar situation. As the mom, I often have to bail out with little notice (and don't want to go into all the details with everyone each time). Compassion is always a good idea.

Why can't you just say that family issues have arisen when you are bailing out, or some other totally nondescriptive phrase?

Anonymous wrote:She certainly could be a flake, but it's always possible there's more going on. Since she has initiated the contact a few times, I think it sounds like she likes you and would like to be friends.

Just putting out there the possibility that she may need to tread lightly at home and that this may spill over into the freedom to plan her time. For example, it is very hard to stick to plans in my family because my Borderline Personality DH is especially inclined toward crises before (and during!) social engagements. We have to cancel (and leave early) a lot, though I make contact with the other party. She *could* be under some pressure not to contact OP or to pull lame, fake explanations out.

Why wouldn't you leave Borderline Personality DH at home, and just go to social engagements by yourself (?)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she likes you but she's a flake. Being friends with someone like that can be very frustrating, and they will never change. But it doesn't make her a bad person, and she might be a really great friend if you can accept how she is and not get frustrated. I have a friend like this and I've found that what helps is to either 1) make spur-of-the-moment plans with her (e.g. "Want to meet us at the playground in an hour?") or 2) invite her to pre-existing plans that don't depend on her attendance (e.g. "We'll be at Joe's Bar on Saturday at 7, feel free to come meet us!") It sucks because I don't see her as often as other friends who are willing to plan in advance and stick to it, but what can you do.

Yup, this is my guess as well. Good strategy.

I like this advice, too. I always try to follow through when I suggest getting together with someone (though it may take awhile) and can't recall ever just not showing up w/o a notification and apology, I feel like I can frustrate people in my own ways....it seems like I just can't meet their expectations. So if you use the strategies suggested above, it kind of relaxes the expectations on both sides. And then you can both really focus on just having fun when you are together and no one is questioning if the other really wants to be there.

Agree you sound cool, OP.

OP here, thanks everyone for good advice (and for the nice feedback). This is good advice - and I think I've actually been doing it without realizing it. I've seen her at the bus stop every morning and we've chatted and had nice conversations - I haven't brought up the past attempts at getting together and will just continue to be friendly, chat, maybe invite her for coffee or something spontaneously and not expect anything but be pleasently surprised if something happens.

Anonymous wrote: I want to be your friend, oP! You sound so normal and cool. What neighborhood are you in? I have hardly any friends in the neighborhood we live in!

thank you. I don't want to give too much away in case she's on here and recognizes us (I've stayed pretty close to the facts on this one so if she's on DCUM, she's most certainly recognize the pattern). but I am in Falls Church. Where are you?

Oh, and I also want to clarify something because I think some pps are misunderstanding - my neighbor has never made specific plans with me and not showed up - I never was waiting at the pub or resteraunt waiting for her and her being a no-show. It would always be a quasi-specific date - "Are you available to go out for a drink Saturday night?" Then when I'd follow up (via email or VM) "Yes, what time and where do you want to go" That's when I'd never hear back - so by Saturday afternoon/evening I'd usually figure that it wasn't going to happen.

I think I'm going to continue being friendly, striking conversations when I see her outside, and like pp suggested, either invite her for a spontaneous get together (you want to come in for some coffee?) or continue inviting her to our neighborhood outings where I'm not relying on her to show up but be happy if she does.

thanks everyone

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a very serious illness in our family that we don't share much about with other people - it gets very complicated quickly and it is no one's business. The result is that I blow things off all the time. It upsets me a great deal that I do this, but I do my best. No advice, just the suggestion of compassion.

We have a similar situation. As the mom, I often have to bail out with little notice (and don't want to go into all the details with everyone each time). Compassion is always a good idea.

but unless you're calling 911 or jetting to the ER on a moment's notice, you have time to make a call or send a text to say that you're not coming. Just not showing up is incredibly rude unless it's a 911 situation.