Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 10:08     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
Maybe next time you can say - 'oh, if we'll be paying - i just heard about the best new mexican place! why don't we go there instead?'
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 09:56     Subject: Re:Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
i agree that OP's friend is tacky, but part of that is because of her poor communication. It wouldn't be nearly so bad if she'd said something "hey, instead of us all meeting at a restaurant for drinks and dinnerr, which gets expensive, why don't I order a bunch of food from a restaurant we all like (or whatever) and everyone can pitch in to pay for it." i get that people who like to "host" don't want to be the only ones spending money, but you gotta be upfront (and call it waht it is)
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 01:26     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
Anonymous wrote:How about this ambush? A friend of your invites you to a dinner party at her boyfriends now rowhouse. You bring a bottle of wine, eat a decent, but not fancy meal. You mingle and enjoy talking to new people. And then the hosts asks if he can have eveyones attention and goes on some long winded story about some charity he is involved with and asks if everyone can sign up as a sponsor for his trip to somewhere to help some people in need.

Does that annoy people the same way? If you substitute the charity for wanting to introduce some policitian or wannabee. That's happened to me a couple of times where I was mislead into being invited to a party and it ended up being a fundraiser.


I would try to get the host somewhere quiet and apologize: "I'm sorry, but had I know that this was going to be a fundraiser for X, I would have declined to attend. Unfortunately, I make my own selections for charitable donations and this is not in my plans for this year."
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 21:41     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
Anonymous wrote:got invited to a party at a restaurant in their private party room area where a wife of a friend was throwing a surprise birthday party for her husband. it was a cash bar, ok we thought maybe the bar is not a part of the party (although it was a private bar for the party only) at the end of dinner the waiters gave each couple a bill!! Indeed a surprise party for us as well as her husband. I could tell he was mortified and surprised as well, especially since they each made 6 figure incomes!



NO FREAKIN' WAY!!!!!
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 21:38     Subject: Re:Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
OP here. This reminds me. I was invited to a birthday party of a former coworker at a restaurant. At the end of the evening, the daughter of the coworker broke down the bill and everyone paid their portion. I was younger, so I didn't know if this was proper or not. Was it? I'm thinking no, but does the price of dinner simply replace a birthday gift?

Wow...thinking of another instance with the friend in my OP. She had a birthday party at a beach for her daughter about two years ago. We had to pay to get access to the beach ($15'ish). Is that ever okay?
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 21:33     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
got invited to a party at a restaurant in their private party room area where a wife of a friend was throwing a surprise birthday party for her husband. it was a cash bar, ok we thought maybe the bar is not a part of the party (although it was a private bar for the party only) at the end of dinner the waiters gave each couple a bill!! Indeed a surprise party for us as well as her husband. I could tell he was mortified and surprised as well, especially since they each made 6 figure incomes!
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 19:28     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
I knew someone that who when you asked "oh, can I bring something, a bottle pf wine perhaps?" She would say, "No, just bring 5 dollars." Shehad a good job, and condo, etc., not hurting, just cheap. It was VERY awkward and I would just give her 5$. The funny thing is she was always cheap this way when hosting or going out, but then goes on long vacations every year. Anyway, I am shocked to see others do it too, it is the hieght of tackiness.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 18:52     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
How about this ambush? A friend of your invites you to a dinner party at her boyfriends now rowhouse. You bring a bottle of wine, eat a decent, but not fancy meal. You mingle and enjoy talking to new people. And then the hosts asks if he can have eveyones attention and goes on some long winded story about some charity he is involved with and asks if everyone can sign up as a sponsor for his trip to somewhere to help some people in need.

Does that annoy people the same way? If you substitute the charity for wanting to introduce some policitian or wannabee. That's happened to me a couple of times where I was mislead into being invited to a party and it ended up being a fundraiser.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 18:32     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
You should send an anonymous note saying how tacky this is. You could also print out this thread and include it.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 18:29     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
18:19 -- Yes. You're inviting them to your home. You pay. If you don't want to do that, you don't invite them over, or you suggest meeting at a neutral place that serves food.

That said, I do think your friends should be stepping up and saying "Hey, you guys made such a great meal last time we were here. We want to treat this time." Then they head to the grocery store, or get take out or take everyone to a restaurant.

Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 18:19     Subject: Re:Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
What do you all think about this situation? I have friends who regularly visit from out of town so they can also see their family here. We often gather at my place because it's easier with all kids. Are we still expected to foot the bill for every meal at our place? We've never been to their place out of town since we see them so frequently here.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 17:19     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
Show up to the party with an etiquette guide and say she needs it more than the money.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 17:16     Subject: Re:Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
I would never ask anyone to bring anything to a party I host in my home. If it was labeled as a potluck or multi family picnic or something, maybe, but it would be part of the original invite, not something I would bombard my guests with upon acceptance. If someone offers some assistance, I may ask that they pick up some paper plates or whatever, but I always reimburse.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 16:54     Subject: Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
I once got invited to a party themed w a certain food, took my kids (husband stayed home) and after dinner the hosts started asking for cash. I was shocked and didn't even know what to put in since I'd eaten about twelve dollars of food (including what my young kids ate). I gave thirty and began distancing. One couple apologized for not having cash because they hadn't realized they'd need it and the hostess-I'm not kidding-told the woman shed get some money from her that week at play group. I was floored.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2012 16:15     Subject: Re:Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party
OP here.

Friend is not college-aged. She's 30, her husband is 40.

And no, she wouldn't do this if this were a gathering for her husband's boss, etc. She seems to find comfort in thinking that because she's inviting close family and friends, this is cool.