Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 15:55     Subject: Re:Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, if you don't feel the urge to have children, DON'T DO IT. You are under no obligation to do so just because it's the standard course for most people.

I LOVE my children like nothing else and always knew I wanted children, but, on paper, it is absolutely foolish to procreate. Having kids is insanely expensive, children take a BIG toll on a marriage (it's b.s. to say kids don't break up a marriage...they absolutely do!), you lose sleep, your body takes a beating with pregnancy, you are never free of worry...the list goes on. There is no sane reason to do it which is probably why that biological drive is so strong to override the rational.
I personally am jealous of the people who don't want kids because I see how much easier my life could be. However, I couldn't deny my urge and I love, love, love children (not just mine...babies and kids in general), so knew I'd be miserable without them.

OP, be thankful you are happy without kids and run with it!


OP here. Yes, this would be easy if not for the fact that DH really, really wants kids. And I understand why he wants kids. Part of it is because he had a crappy childhood, and has a bad relationship with his family and he wants to do it right now that he could be a dad. I have been putting pregnancy off for years now and now that I'm approaching AMA it's time to make a decision. I think babies are great but I don't really like kids all that much--I guess it would be okay to be a parent of a young child but I worry about parenting an older child and teen--seems like so much stress and worry.

I think I'd enjoy the DINK lifestyle now and probably into my 40's but I think when I reached my 50's and older I'd be really regretful of not having a family. DH and I both have small families and no relationship with extended families (cousins, aunts and uncles) so it would be nice to feel like I have some sort of tie.


OP you talk about your husbands wants a lot but don't mention your own.

An absent husband and father shouldn't be swaying you especially since he won't be involved in family life all that much (70 hours a week pretty much translates into no awake time with young children). This is YOUR decision to make.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 15:35     Subject: Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
"Just remember, OP, that if you have enough money, you can still do a lot of what you enjoy now."

This is true if you have the right attitude and a supportive spouse/family. I have friends who still go out clubbing after having kids - they just take turns with each other or get a sitter, and take turns sleeping in on weekends. And I know couples who take a trip to Europe each year while their parents watch the kids. But you both have to be on board with this or it won't work.

You can also just wait 10 years and plan to use donor eggs to have kids. Or you can do IVF and freeze a bunch of embryos to use 10 years from now. There's no rule as to when you must have children.

Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 15:24     Subject: Re:Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, if you don't feel the urge to have children, DON'T DO IT. You are under no obligation to do so just because it's the standard course for most people.

I LOVE my children like nothing else and always knew I wanted children, but, on paper, it is absolutely foolish to procreate. Having kids is insanely expensive, children take a BIG toll on a marriage (it's b.s. to say kids don't break up a marriage...they absolutely do!), you lose sleep, your body takes a beating with pregnancy, you are never free of worry...the list goes on. There is no sane reason to do it which is probably why that biological drive is so strong to override the rational.
I personally am jealous of the people who don't want kids because I see how much easier my life could be. However, I couldn't deny my urge and I love, love, love children (not just mine...babies and kids in general), so knew I'd be miserable without them.

OP, be thankful you are happy without kids and run with it!


OP here. Yes, this would be easy if not for the fact that DH really, really wants kids. And I understand why he wants kids. Part of it is because he had a crappy childhood, and has a bad relationship with his family and he wants to do it right now that he could be a dad. I have been putting pregnancy off for years now and now that I'm approaching AMA it's time to make a decision. I think babies are great but I don't really like kids all that much--I guess it would be okay to be a parent of a young child but I worry about parenting an older child and teen--seems like so much stress and worry.

I think I'd enjoy the DINK lifestyle now and probably into my 40's but I think when I reached my 50's and older I'd be really regretful of not having a family. DH and I both have small families and no relationship with extended families (cousins, aunts and uncles) so it would be nice to feel like I have some sort of tie.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 15:04     Subject: Re:Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
Good Lord, if you don't feel the urge to have children, DON'T DO IT. You are under no obligation to do so just because it's the standard course for most people.

I LOVE my children like nothing else and always knew I wanted children, but, on paper, it is absolutely foolish to procreate. Having kids is insanely expensive, children take a BIG toll on a marriage (it's b.s. to say kids don't break up a marriage...they absolutely do!), you lose sleep, your body takes a beating with pregnancy, you are never free of worry...the list goes on. There is no sane reason to do it which is probably why that biological drive is so strong to override the rational.
I personally am jealous of the people who don't want kids because I see how much easier my life could be. However, I couldn't deny my urge and I love, love, love children (not just mine...babies and kids in general), so knew I'd be miserable without them.

OP, be thankful you are happy without kids and run with it!
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 12:51     Subject: Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
When I was dealing with this decision, I got the very good advice to live like I had kids financially for a few months, so DH and I sat down and found room for a nanny, diapers, formula, etc. In our monthly budget. We set aside about $4,500 from our budget, and put it into some debt and then just into savings. We did this for three months to see how not having the price of childcare and supplies would affect us day-to-day. We also budgeted $10 an hour every time we left the house evenings/weekends. It was enlightening for us. We ultimately did have kids, but getting our finances in order helped us prepare for that part of the.adjustment.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 12:43     Subject: Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:It gets boring. Every year it loses a little bit of the novelty. You have traveled there, eaten at that restaurant, your friends have kids, you become the older people in the room. Something is missing. It did not hit me till my late 30's.


OP here. I do feel that something is missing, and I've been feeling that way for a few years now. But at the same time, the DINK lifestyle has definitely not lost its novelty. In fact, I find myself wanting DH and I to re-create some of the activities of our twenty-something days, such as going out clubbing, going to lots of social group events and hanging out with friends a lot of the time. I like having our weekends jam packed with get togethers and events, dinners out and activities in the city.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 12:30     Subject: Re:Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not many people know what DINKs are. Just FYI


You really think people can't figure out Double Income No Kids from the context?


I did not figure that out...not sure how the context would help in this case.


I thought they were swingers.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 12:27     Subject: Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
Absentee husband and father sucks!
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 12:10     Subject: Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
We got married in our mid thirties and became parents five years into it. We used to talk about things like where to eat out on the weekend, investment choices for our maxed out retirement plans and how much money to spend on new clothes.

Today, we're treading water financially, rarely travel, have LESS in our retirement accounts than ten years ago and shop for clothes at Value Village. You never know what kind of kids you're going to get and what their (sometimes expensive) needs will be.

We accepted the risks of parenthood and today can't imagine not having the children we have. I suppose if you have enough money, you may be able to maintain your DINK lifestyle after having kids but you never know....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RpSv3HjpEw
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 11:34     Subject: Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
It gets boring. Every year it loses a little bit of the novelty. You have traveled there, eaten at that restaurant, your friends have kids, you become the older people in the room. Something is missing. It did not hit me till my late 30's.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 11:01     Subject: Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
22:19 PP here. Yes, I have an income. I mommy-tracked myself so my income is definitely not what it would have been, but I'm making just under $100K. Which around here is enough to lead a good life in a house I own, but doesn't leave a ton of room for luxuries. It'll be easier once she's in public school.

Just remember, OP, that if you have enough money, you can still do a lot of what you enjoy now. Find a good babysitter and you can still do restaurants, concerts, etc. You can still travel, you just may not want to for a few years. But Paris, etc. will still be there, and how great, to be able to introduce your kid to great things and great places?
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 10:54     Subject: Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It is very very hard to give it up. I would not trade my kids for the world but I do miss those times.


I agree with this. Some people say they can't remember life without kids- I can. It was a nice life too! Rolling out of bed at 10.30, the biggest decision of the day was where to go to eat for lunch, the trips we could take b/c we had both leave AND money, the freedom to do what you wanted- if you didn't feel like eating, no worries! Sigh...

But, having had them now, I could not imagine life without them and while parenting isn't all unicorns farting rainbows and everyone holding hands singing Kumbaya, it's fun and loving and chaotic.

I will say that for us personally, having two has been a lot harder than just one. If we'd stayed at just one, we'd have much more of a DINK lifestyle that we do now.


I am the 10:24 poster above, and this is exactly what I was trying to say, but couldn't get out very clearly. I totally agree with this - 100%. I think many of my friends feel the exact same way - well said!
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 10:28     Subject: Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:It is very very hard to give it up. I would not trade my kids for the world but I do miss those times.


I agree with this. Some people say they can't remember life without kids- I can. It was a nice life too! Rolling out of bed at 10.30, the biggest decision of the day was where to go to eat for lunch, the trips we could take b/c we had both leave AND money, the freedom to do what you wanted- if you didn't feel like eating, no worries! Sigh...

But, having had them now, I could not imagine life without them and while parenting isn't all unicorns farting rainbows and everyone holding hands singing Kumbaya, it's fun and loving and chaotic.

I will say that for us personally, having two has been a lot harder than just one. If we'd stayed at just one, we'd have much more of a DINK lifestyle that we do now.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 10:24     Subject: Re:Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:it's called google people. just google DINK if you didn't know what it is.

I do think it's good to consider this, but the truth is you really won't know until you have kids.

Although I found myself bored with life a bit before having kids (going out to dinner with friends over and over, same weekends, etc.) I still mourned the loss of my freedom when the kids came along, and I really felt like i'd done a lot of single living (traveled, lived on my own, etc.).

the frustrating thing about being a parent is that you can't do it part time. You can't borrow a kid for say, 3 months, and then have 3 months off to go to Paris or whatever. I think if it weren't that way, it'd be much easier!

things that might make it easier to make the sacrifice:
1) if you like kids
2) if you keep your job after you have kids
3) if you have realistic expectations and realize you can do more as they get older, but the early years are tough
4) if you have local family or can pay for babysitters/frequent breaks.
only you can decide if you want to try.


I agree with this pretty much. I do think that having a spouse that works a lot is hard when you have kids, unless you have a lot of outside help. I agree that making time for yourself even after kids is key. And making time for you and your husband without baby as well. I do still miss my life pre-kids sometimes. I miss just having time to myself to do NOTHING. I work full time and then come home to 2 active boys, and while I love them to death, sometimes I wish I could go upstairs and just read a book by myself in peace and quiet for an hour or two. But I would not trade having them for anything - they bring me so much joy and love and it just amazes me still that my Dh and I created them together. But parenting is hard and you have to be realistic about how your life will change forever. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2012 10:18     Subject: Re:Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?
If your husband works long hours and you feel like you don't see him now, family life would be abysmal. You would basically be on your own, juggling your job and raising a child. DH and I juggled things together and it was rough for us both career-wise and family-wise. If he wants kids then he might need to look into getting a more family-friendly job if he can. I definitely think you should ask yourself where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? When you are older do you see yourself with your husband or with family? If you don't see family anywhere in your future it probably isn't for you. There is a lot of sacrifice and if you feel lukewarm you may end up resenting your husband for convincing you to go for it. That being said if you see family in your future, you probably shouldn't wait. Depending on the nature of your medical problems it may be already difficult for you to get pregnant add 5 more years and the ship might sail completely.