PP here. I like the idea of getting a very nurturing nanny as well.

I was the child of a mom similar to DW. Please, please fight to find her the help she needs and please get your kids some help. Even if they seem okay, they are not.

OP, I came across these links:
http://www.nmha.org/go/find_therapy

For in patient care:
http://www.whcenter.org/body.cfm?id=555649

Also, I would remove any firearms and/or alcohol/illicit drugs from the house if any are present.

OP, I'm so sorry there's been so much unhelpful static on this thread. EMDR and other therapists who deal with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) may be helpful. Someone mentioned getting a babysitter or nanny--I really think you need to.

Also, consider cell phones for your kids--even the kind that call a couple of preset numbers & 911. I'm not sure how old your kids are but at least they will have a way to contact you or family member if they are ever left alone again. Hang in there!

OP, as you are trying to motivate your wife to see that there is a serious problem and that she (and all of you) should seek help for it, you might try reframing the problem and showing your vulnerability. From reading this thread, it seems like you currently see the problem as: your wife is emotionally damaged and falling apart, while you are super functional and trying to hold the family together. This may be true, but it likely also plays on all her fears as someone who is desperately trying to keep it together. Instead, you might try telling her how much you love her and NEED her, how different she seems from the person you first met, and lonely and frightened you feel because she is not emotionally available. Helping herself in order to help you may let her take action without feeling attacked.

If you really feel that your children are wary or fearful around her, I would take this as huge danger sign. I was a child who was afraid of my mother while she was suffering from a major episode of mental illness. Because that kind of mental illness is so unacceptable in our society, we don't really have a language for recognizing or talking about such things until it's too late. I knew that something was terribly wrong and I knew that I was in danger, but I had no way to express what I was experiencing. In retrospect, I think the adults around me must have just been ignoring what they couldn't bear to see.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with this. OP, you need to be more proactive. If your descriptions are accurate, your wife's behavior really needs to be addressed on a level that her current therapy isn't addressing.

That said, it's interesting that her current therapist is not responding to her in a way that suggests they believe there's serious cause for concern. It does make me wonder if there is something else going on here.

OP here. I believe that her therapy is focused on her depression, how she feels she has lost herself, reframing how she thinks about things using CBT. She doesn't seem to have a lot of insight into how her parenting has changed dramatically. She is shut down emotionally and doesn't seem to get the emotional dimension of how things impact others, even the kids. DW is very good at seeming more functional than she is and is at her best one on one. It is in a social context that the issues become apparent. The therapist has a CBT background and specializes in depression. DW said she said that it was a judgment error to leave the kids and the therapist let it go. I was glad that she mentioned it, but the lack of resulting plan concerned me too, obviously. Anyone who had known DW in the past would have thought she was very cautious, it's quite a departure, but the therapist has no way of knowing that or how impulsive she seems now. So when I voice concerns about her interactions with the kids (shared by friends, neighbors, etc) it's me as her enemy. I am not involved in her therapy process. When she sees the psychiatrist she focuses on how sad she is or isn't, not if she is interactive, etc. All of it is self reported by her in both contexts. I didn't know much about therapy and was so relieved when she finally went but might not be the right kind/person.

I see. OP, not to be an alarmist, but I urge you to take action above and beyond your DW's therapy. My mother was in therapy when I was little and, like your wife, she talked about her sadness in therapy. I know this because she told me. I'm certain she didn't talk about her more serious issues that were endangering my well being. It doesn't sound like your wife's therapist is getting the whole story either, and the details they're not hearing about are quite worrisome.

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with this. OP, you need to be more proactive. If your descriptions are accurate, your wife's behavior really needs to be addressed on a level that her current therapy isn't addressing.

That said, it's interesting that her current therapist is not responding to her in a way that suggests they believe there's serious cause for concern. It does make me wonder if there is something else going on here.

OP here. I believe that her therapy is focused on her depression, how she feels she has lost herself, reframing how she thinks about things using CBT. She doesn't seem to have a lot of insight into how her parenting has changed dramatically. She is shut down emotionally and doesn't seem to get the emotional dimension of how things impact others, even the kids. DW is very good at seeming more functional than she is and is at her best one on one. It is in a social context that the issues become apparent. The therapist has a CBT background and specializes in depression. DW said she said that it was a judgment error to leave the kids and the therapist let it go. I was glad that she mentioned it, but the lack of resulting plan concerned me too, obviously. Anyone who had known DW in the past would have thought she was very cautious, it's quite a departure, but the therapist has no way of knowing that or how impulsive she seems now. So when I voice concerns about her interactions with the kids (shared by friends, neighbors, etc) it's me as her enemy. I am not involved in her therapy process. When she sees the psychiatrist she focuses on how sad she is or isn't, not if she is interactive, etc. All of it is self reported by her in both contexts. I didn't know much about therapy and was so relieved when she finally went but might not be the right kind/person.

Both of the last two posters seem unnecessarily hostile to the original poster. Both of you have had the opportunity to express your viewpoint. But, since that viewpoint does not appear to be particularly constructive to the original request for support, I'd like to ask both of you to please refrain from additional posts in this thread. Thank you for your cooperation.

Every therapist I know is all about protecting the kids. If they were really at risk, would a therapist just sit back? What is really happening here?

OP is posting for validation and ammo to further distress and pick on his wife.

That said, it's interesting that her current therapist is not responding to her in a way that suggests they believe there's serious cause for concern. It does make me wonder if there is something else going on here.

Bingo. I think that there is more to this story than OP is letting on.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds OP like she is almost at the point where she might need inpatient services. Something intensive for a couple weeks to figure out what is going on and what direction to take. Not being able to leave her alone with the kids and her detachment from everyone around her means this is getting serious. Does she threaten to hurt herself or commit suicide?

It sounds like she needs a lot more than a community therapist. I would contact a mental health association in your area and get some support for yourself and also maybe some ideas of other resources. There was a thread of mental health resources posted here a few months ago but I can't find it when I search.

I agree with this. OP, you need to be more proactive. If your descriptions are accurate, your wife's behavior really needs to be addressed on a level that her current therapy isn't addressing.

That said, it's interesting that her current therapist is not responding to her in a way that suggests they believe there's serious cause for concern. It does make me wonder if there is something else going on here.

Throwing the kids mom under the bus is going to be really good for them, and will certainly teach the children about compassion, supporting those we love and importance of family commitments. Geez. Therapy is definitely in order--family therapy as well as individual therapy.

Make sure that you are not using her abusive and neglectful childhood as an excuse for all problems in your family.

Pp here. I reread your first post OP and see you are in DC. I would give a Leslie a call regardless--she may be able to do an initial visit and give you a referral closer to where you live.

Op where are you located? I would recommend Leslie Evers, Family Therapy Center in Old Town. If not for your wife, then for you to have an initial consult and maybe she can give you some ideas about other professionals that could help. She heed me deal with seriously debilitating childhood trauma. While I was not depressed, she saved our family. Please give her a call and maybe just going to a session yourself would help. Best of luck to you and your family. I also echo what a previous pp mentioned, get a plan in place to protect your kids.