Anonymous
11/27/2011 19:16
Subject: Re:Is it terrible if I don't invite my brother and his family for christmas
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the suggestions. The morning of the 24th or the 26th sounds like a good idea -- I think I will suggest that. And I will be very clear that I am keeping it simple -- I am so very tired of cooking and cleaning.
I have gone back and forth about whether DH's request is reasonable. I usually am the first to call DH out if he is being an ass. Which he sometimes is. BUT, I kind of agree with him this time, which is why I bothered posting.
Of course I love my brother and adore the kids -- but it is EXHAUSTING to have them over and they come over alot -- like every other weekend. Eight month old twins, a 2 year old and a 4 year old -- just picture it. Total and complete chaos. I am a working mom, and I like to enjoy time with my children too -- and no one enjoys time with anyone with the families combined . It is just constant refereeing and trying to keep everyone alive and uninjured. No conversations are had. I never even feel any special bonding moments because it is all so chaotic and crazy and I am always serving food or changing diapers or taking away toys.
And my younger one -- the 5 year old -- always, always, ends up in time out. There is just no avoiding it. He loses patience with his cousins and has a melt down. And I know he has to learn to be in this family, but I feel bad that I am constantly subjecting him to all of these people in his space so often.
OP, you still don't get it. You've gone back and forth "about whether DH's request is reasonable?" Are you kidding? It is his HOME and what he wants to do in regards to things like this better resonate with you as "reasonable," whether or not you agree with him all of the time. At least if you want to stay married.
DH IS THAT YOU?? Just kidding. But if he wasn't upstairs giving the kids a bath, i would wonder.....Anyhow, his wishes have to be balanced with other concerns. Just like I have to put up with my total bitch of a mother in law because she is his mom. And believe me, she is a BITCH -- the kind of woman that has not a single friend in the world. So we both have to compromise. My brother has only been here 2 years -- was living in Denver before this so it's not like DH has put up with years of this. And, my kids DO ask for their cousins to come over. I want them to have that relationship. It's complicated. But I really appreciate all of teh advice.
Anonymous
11/27/2011 19:08
Subject: Re:Is it terrible if I don't invite my brother and his family for christmas
I totally get it, OP. I just said goodbye to my brother and his family after a very long and exhausting 5 days. I am always host, I do every single thing, with never a single finger lifted to help nor a single thank you uttered, save a muttered "thanks" as they are going out the door. But I always feel pressured to have them for holidays, both large and small, and to do a joint vacation in the summer.
Every time they leave I swear I'm going to take a break and say NO next time. I never do because I feel guilty, as my brother is a single father and there would be no Thanksgiving dinner or anything special done if it weren't for me (not because of limited means, just because my brother wouldn't bother.)
I say you have to find a happy medium. Remember: these are the only memories you'll have of your children growing up. Do you want them all to be dominated by the chaos?
Of course I also get how hard it can be to change the dynamic. Good luck!
Every time they leave I swear I'm going to take a break and say NO next time. I never do because I feel guilty, as my brother is a single father and there would be no Thanksgiving dinner or anything special done if it weren't for me (not because of limited means, just because my brother wouldn't bother.)
I say you have to find a happy medium. Remember: these are the only memories you'll have of your children growing up. Do you want them all to be dominated by the chaos?
Of course I also get how hard it can be to change the dynamic. Good luck!
Anonymous
11/27/2011 18:53
Subject: Re:Is it terrible if I don't invite my brother and his family for christmas
OP, I'm beginning to think you have some real boundary issues with your family of origin, at least with this brother. Honestly, have you "separated" from them yet?
Anonymous
11/27/2011 17:17
Subject: Is it terrible if I don't invite my brother and his family for christmas
Have any renovations you need to do? Need a new fridge or oven? This might be the time.
I prefer the non-confrontational approach.
I prefer the non-confrontational approach.