Anonymous wrote:A hand written thank you note for going over to someone's house for dinner?? Isn't that a bit much? We don't do this in my circle of friends (bottle of wine, small box of chocolates, but nothing at all is expected) and we are all lovely, well-mannered adults.

I know! We're all June Cleaver all of a sudden.

I would never regift a bottle of wine if I didn't know much about that wine. I would hate to have someone think that I acutally picked out a lousy bottle of wine for them. : )

Please, please please don't bring wine. People who entertain frequently, or have large parties are often overwhelmed with the number of bottles we recieve. I won't serve a bottle that I received as a gift at a later dinner party if I do not know the wine. It sits and sits because I am not much of a drinker. I peridically let my closest friends come cart away the stash from the wine cabinet. A thank you note is all that is necessary, and if you are a close friend that isn't even necessary. People worry too much.

If someone tells me not to bring anything, I don't. When I invite people to dinner I have brought flowers, wine, dessert etc. So bringing me anything is a waste. I just want the company of my guests. In fact, instead of bringing something, I wish they would not bring their BlackBerries etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always find these posts very interesting - I wonder how many people were just not raised correctly? Or just don't care?

I find posts like this hurtful. To me it implies neglect on the part of my parents, and I don't see it that way. My parents both worked very long hours and I don't think they went to one dinner party the whole time we were growing up (and still don't). My mother has never written a thank you note in her life, and I just started doing it as an adult. It wasn't neglect, it was just the circle my parents socialized in -- it would have been seen as pretentious to do a thank you note after dinner with friends.

Of course these are all things I've had to learn since moving to the east coast, but again the implication that my parents just didn't care about good manners is wrong.

I agree! My parents never hosted a 'dinner party' but we did have people over to the house for meals. No one ever brought anything (unless it was homegrown produce or something like that) and to have sent a written note after having said 'thank you' would have been incredibly pretentious. We never opened presents at birthday parties (which would draw too much attention to what people spent or to the fact they couldn't afford a gift) and thank you cards were only sent to people who weren't present when you received their gift. And yet, my parents and the people I grew up with some of the finest people I've ever met. They are generous, polite, civil company and you couldn't ask for better friends or neighbors. I think in this area people focus too much on being correct according to Emily Post instead of the character and intentions of people they socialize with. There's not much I miss about where I grew up but this is one of them.

Anonymous wrote:I kind of hate it when people bring flowers because then I have to stop what I'm doing in the kitchen and trim the stems and find a vase and all that... if you decide to bring flowers bring them already in a vase!

I bring potted seasonal flowers--mums, tulips, etc. They can be tossed when they die but last longer than cut stems.

It is awkward when people I've invited for dinner bring a gift, but I often do the same thing myself anyway. I wish we could switch to just sending thank-yous the next day, with or without flowers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why I don't host (or attend) dinner parties. Because apparently, no matter what you do, you will offend someone. Luckily, my group of friends isn't anywhere NEAR as uptight as the posters in this thread, and we also don't count having a bbq at someone's house an event worthy of a hostess gift, flowers, monogrammed towels, or a handwritten thank-you card. I've never been so happy to be low-brow!

But don't you bring a 6 pack of beer or something when you go to a BBQ at someone's house?

I wouldn't bring monogrammed towels to someone's house for a dinner party (snort), but I don't show up empty handed either. Of course, within my circle it's pretty standard to say "Bring a dish or drink to pass." I guess we're cheap.

I don't bring something if someone says don't bring anything. If I get an invitation, I would ask directly if I could bring beer or chips or salad or whatever, but if they say no, I don't think 'hmmm...then flowers or candle.'

Anonymous wrote:And this is why I don't host (or attend) dinner parties. Because apparently, no matter what you do, you will offend someone. Luckily, my group of friends isn't anywhere NEAR as uptight as the posters in this thread, and we also don't count having a bbq at someone's house an event worthy of a hostess gift, flowers, monogrammed towels, or a handwritten thank-you card. I've never been so happy to be low-brow!

But don't you bring a 6 pack of beer or something when you go to a BBQ at someone's house?

I wouldn't bring monogrammed towels to someone's house for a dinner party (snort), but I don't show up empty handed either. Of course, within my circle it's pretty standard to say "Bring a dish or drink to pass." I guess we're cheap.

This thread reminds me of the scene in my fat Greek wedding where his parents show up for dinner at her parents place with the bundt cake and her mother can,t figure out what to do with the cake with a hole in it

Anonymous wrote:And this is why I don't host (or attend) dinner parties. Because apparently, no matter what you do, you will offend someone.

It's just a topic of discussion. I seriously doubt anyone (who is normal) is truly "offended" one way or the other. Give me a break.

And this is why I don't host (or attend) dinner parties. Because apparently, no matter what you do, you will offend someone. Luckily, my group of friends isn't anywhere NEAR as uptight as the posters in this thread, and we also don't count having a bbq at someone's house an event worthy of a hostess gift, flowers, monogrammed towels, or a handwritten thank-you card. I've never been so happy to be low-brow!

Maybe the discussion should hone in on the time the question is asked...

When I host a dinner party I make all components of the dinner and don't expect/want anybody to bring dessert, appetizer etc. So when an invited guest asks 'can I bring something' do they mean something substantial, i.e. part of the dinner?

I would never want to burden my guest with such a task, afterall, I am inviting them for dinner. So I usually say 'just bring yourself.' But I still think it is nice if my guests show up with a small gesture of gratitude, i.e. wine etc.

For people that do not bring anything at all, what is your reasoning?

If someone tells me not to bring anything, I still bring SOMETHING - Flowers, wine, whatever.

If I tell someone not to bring anything, I mean it. However, if they show up w/ flowers, wine, whatever, I appreciate the thought.

A hand written thank you note for going over to someone's house for dinner?? Isn't that a bit much? We don't do this in my circle of friends (bottle of wine, small box of chocolates, but nothing at all is expected) and we are all lovely, well-mannered adults.