NP here. I just read through all these threads and I'm sorry to say I'm in your club. There's a lot of good advice on this thread and I really appreciate the time people took to tell their story. As far as what to tell people, I usually just say that my family lives out of town, we don't see them much, etc. I don't feel the need to go into much detail and I've never had anyone really pursue it. The more difficult issue has been what to tell my kids. They are of an age where they've asked where my parents are. I don't want to lie to them so I've told them that my parents were very mean and were bullying me. They weren't good to me. I gave them a choice - treat me in a loving and respectable way or I would leave the family - we've had lots of conversations about this and reassured them that this would never happen to us because even though we sometimes get angry, we never hit or bully. It's worked for us. I'm hoping it will lay the foundation for healthy relationships for them as well.

OP - I do think you need a different counselor. I can't imagine anyone thinking what your father did to you is minor. It's not! It doesn't matter what the extent of it was, it crossed the line. Best of luck to you. Please post back with an update.

^^^^^That's a good start OP. I am sure you can search this forum and find resources. It does sound like you may need a new perspective. It sounds like you want to cut them off but maybe your therapist is stopping you? I wouldn't want a therapist that does not share my ultimate goal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut all ties. You are messed up if you are letting the man that molested you as a child have any access whatsoever to your child. Get away

Yes I am confused and messed up. I am going to get a second professional opinion. the therapist I am seeing isn't as alarmed as most of the PP. I think it is because it was a "milder" form of sexual abuse. I am not sure.

Can anyone direct me to a good resource? I can start with the web. thanks.

That's a good start OP. I am sure you can search this forum and find resources. It does sound like you may need a new perspective. It sounds like you want to cut them off but maybe your therapist is stopping you? I wouldn't want a therapist that does not share my ultimate goal.

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut all ties. You are messed up if you are letting the man that molested you as a child have any access whatsoever to your child. Get away

Yes I am confused and messed up. I am going to get a second professional opinion. the therapist I am seeing isn't as alarmed as most of the PP. I think it is because it was a "milder" form of sexual abuse. I am not sure.

Can anyone direct me to a good resource? I can start with the web. thanks.

OP, cut all ties. You are messed up if you are letting the man that molested you as a child have any access whatsoever to your child. Get away

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. There is a type of therapy, EMDR, which helps to heal you after some type of trauma (sexual abuse by your dad + feeling unloved by your mom are pretty traumatic). It was amazingly effective for me. It was initially developed to help Vietnam vets dealing with ptsd. Lots and lots of evidence to support its effectiveness claims. EMDR and talk therapy will help you heal. I wish you the best of luck.

I endorse this emphatically. The results were amazing for me and very quickly realized.

Best of luck to you. Life is sooooo much better on the other side of this. Have faith and take this leap.

hi, it's the OP again.
Those of you who felt it was best to cut ties with parent or parents, how do you handle family functions?

I think I need a second opinion from another professional. I can tell my therapist doesn't support it. I guess the goal is to have inner peace. She was nudging me to end a recent relationship with a BF who wasn't behaving like he was capable of commitment. I'm not sure why this is any different, except I'm related to them by blood.

Anonymous wrote:

Oh, thank you. I mostly avoid my mother because I cannot listen to hours upon hours of stories about her work. She's in local politics and it is all she talks about. She believes the world runs out of her office, it's actually an inside joke between my DH & I. You call her to tell her you're sick, pregnanct, have cancer, dying, and BOOM! She lets you get one sentence out and then she's off to the races about her office. Oy.

This is my DH's mom, except she talks about her church and her house.

Shoot, at least your mom has a job. My mom worked for all of 3 years, back in the early 1960's and we have to hear about her freaking work stories and career advice incessantly. Well, until I cut her out for about 100 other reasons. If it's happening to you in 2011, it happened to my mom in those 36 months from college to babies in 1962. Ha ha.

Actually, your mom is a narcissist - you should check out Daughter's of Narcissistic Mothers. It's pretty interesting reading. I'm with you on the narcissism. You could call my mom and tell her you just got hit by a car and it will go into "oh I got hit by a car once....." Um, bleeding here?

I'm 17:47 from above.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read through the previous posts but on several occasions I've cut my mother out of my life for years at a time, no contact whatsoever. She is a manipulative kookbird. She lies, she exaggerates, she is just a very selfish, self-centered, evil person. She never sees my children, of her own choice, which is extremely hurtful to me. She raves about her friends' daughters and how they are their mother's lives. She turns every conversation into a discussion about her job, I could be in the middle of a crisis and she will turn the topic into something about her job.

She is either extremely nice or screaming about something small like a crumb on the counter. It's tough to determine what her mood will be and that is stressful.

To top it off she drinks one to two bottles of wine a night, mostly hiding it from my father. He's clueless and when I try to bring it to his attention he shames me for talking about my mother with disrespect. Therefore I just keep my distance and do not have contact with her. It hurts to know I've lost her, it hurts to not spend time with her, but I don't need the toxicity in my life or around my children.

I almost thought you were my SIL writing about my bat crazy narcissistic MIL, but MIL prefers to mooch rather than work and she doesn't hold down jobs for long. Lying, drinking, being selfish and self-centered sounds spot on though.

You are not alone. Sending you positive thoughts so you can rid yourself of thoughts about your toxic mom.

Oh, thank you. I mostly avoid my mother because I cannot listen to hours upon hours of stories about her work. She's in local politics and it is all she talks about. She believes the world runs out of her office, it's actually an inside joke between my DH & I. You call her to tell her you're sick, pregnanct, have cancer, dying, and BOOM! She lets you get one sentence out and then she's off to the races about her office. Oy.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read through the previous posts but on several occasions I've cut my mother out of my life for years at a time, no contact whatsoever. She is a manipulative kookbird. She lies, she exaggerates, she is just a very selfish, self-centered, evil person. She never sees my children, of her own choice, which is extremely hurtful to me. She raves about her friends' daughters and how they are their mother's lives. She turns every conversation into a discussion about her job, I could be in the middle of a crisis and she will turn the topic into something about her job.

She is either extremely nice or screaming about something small like a crumb on the counter. It's tough to determine what her mood will be and that is stressful.

To top it off she drinks one to two bottles of wine a night, mostly hiding it from my father. He's clueless and when I try to bring it to his attention he shames me for talking about my mother with disrespect. Therefore I just keep my distance and do not have contact with her. It hurts to know I've lost her, it hurts to not spend time with her, but I don't need the toxicity in my life or around my children.

I almost thought you were my SIL writing about my bat crazy narcissistic MIL, but MIL prefers to mooch rather than work and she doesn't hold down jobs for long. Lying, drinking, being selfish and self-centered sounds spot on though.

You are not alone. Sending you positive thoughts so you can rid yourself of thoughts about your toxic mom.

I haven't read through the previous posts but on several occasions I've cut my mother out of my life for years at a time, no contact whatsoever. She is a manipulative kookbird. She lies, she exaggerates, she is just a very selfish, self-centered, evil person. She never sees my children, of her own choice, which is extremely hurtful to me. She raves about her friends' daughters and how they are their mother's lives. She turns every conversation into a discussion about her job, I could be in the middle of a crisis and she will turn the topic into something about her job.

She is either extremely nice or screaming about something small like a crumb on the counter. It's tough to determine what her mood will be and that is stressful.

To top it off she drinks one to two bottles of wine a night, mostly hiding it from my father. He's clueless and when I try to bring it to his attention he shames me for talking about my mother with disrespect. Therefore I just keep my distance and do not have contact with her. It hurts to know I've lost her, it hurts to not spend time with her, but I don't need the toxicity in my life or around my children.

Anonymous wrote:To 20:49 this is 17:47. I unfortunately have a situation where my parents are opposite spectrums. My dad has done so much for me and my mom is the complete opposite. (i.e. he gives her money every xmas to give to me and she keeps it and he didn't know this until last year) So I don't want to kick him in the teeth on this. He doesn't deserve me to cut him out too, it's not an ultimatum like "you leave her or else." It's a matter for him of managing two dueling women in his family. He deserves more, but he knows if he left her she'd blow through any dollar he saved for my siblings and I. And that's a fact. I think he puts up with the abuse on our behalf. I rather wish he didn't though - for his own good.

Oh, yes, you're right, this is a big difference between your situation and mine! It sounds like your father's a decent person.

Oops I meant I was 19:47.

To 20:49 this is 17:47. I unfortunately have a situation where my parents are opposite spectrums. My dad has done so much for me and my mom is the complete opposite. (i.e. he gives her money every xmas to give to me and she keeps it and he didn't know this until last year) So I don't want to kick him in the teeth on this. He doesn't deserve me to cut him out too, it's not an ultimatum like "you leave her or else." It's a matter for him of managing two dueling women in his family. He deserves more, but he knows if he left her she'd blow through any dollar he saved for my siblings and I. And that's a fact. I think he puts up with the abuse on our behalf. I rather wish he didn't though - for his own good.