Anonymous
04/13/2017 12:46
Subject: Re:I can't stand my mother!
My mother told me that she doesn't like my life choice and thinks getting divorced was selfish.
I said, "oh, ok I guess I should have stayed in a verbally and physically abusive relationship. That's healthy".
She said, "you have kids, you should not have divorced."
So, we have no relationship. She texts my kids (15 and 11) directly.
My dad is taking her side, although he texts me daily to see how I am and tell me that he loves me.
I don't even know how to have a relationship with my mother anymore. She doesn't want one. I NEVER hear from her at all. I have texted her and she doesn't even respond.
Will I regret this when she's gone, of course. However, I can't fix it. She is very stubborn, always has been. If she won't engage with me, then that's that.
Very sad.
I said, "oh, ok I guess I should have stayed in a verbally and physically abusive relationship. That's healthy".
She said, "you have kids, you should not have divorced."
So, we have no relationship. She texts my kids (15 and 11) directly.
My dad is taking her side, although he texts me daily to see how I am and tell me that he loves me.
I don't even know how to have a relationship with my mother anymore. She doesn't want one. I NEVER hear from her at all. I have texted her and she doesn't even respond.
Will I regret this when she's gone, of course. However, I can't fix it. She is very stubborn, always has been. If she won't engage with me, then that's that.
Very sad.
Anonymous
04/13/2017 12:05
Subject: I can't stand my mother!
Anonymous wrote:I feel truly blessed, I had the most wonderful mom ever who recently passed away. After reading many of these posts I feel fortunate. Daughters of not-great moms, I wish you peace, much happiness and many fulfilling relationships with other people you love.
NP here. Thank you, PP, for these kind words. And I'm sorry your mom passed.
This thread definitely hit a nerve for me. It makes me sad that I have such a painful and dysfunctional relationship with my mother, but, with therapy and time, I've come to accept it and move on. And I'm definitely very lucky because of my amazing spouse, kids, and friends -- plus, I *love* my MIL! My MIL is amazing! How crazy is that?!
Anonymous
04/13/2017 12:00
Subject: Re:I can't stand my mother!
Since a PP asked so she can avoid the same mistakes with her own daughter, this is what makes it hard for me to even be in a room with her, let alone have a close relationship:
- She never asks me about my life or how I am doing, unless she wants to criticize me -- doesn't matter what it is (job, weight, haircut, whatever), she finds something to pick at and tell me how I am doing it wrong. Constant nagging.
- She talks endlessly and without interruption about herself. She has virtually no friends and so mostly she likes to talk about mean gossip she has heard about other ladies who work out at her gym. Or she'll start saying hateful things about various family relatives, my sibling's wife (she hates her daughter-in-law, for no good reason, it seems).
- She is incredibly vain and shallow. She has to look just *perfect* and she is critical of others who don't look "perfect" in her opinion. Example: Shortly after I gave birth to my first child, she called me up to tell me she saw a photo my husband sent to grandparents of us leaving the hospital with our baby - and she said she called because she just wanted to let me know that I looked really fat in the photo.
- She isn't very intelligent. I know this is unkind to say, especially about one's own parent, but I've come to realize over the years that she just isn't very smart. Or maybe she was at one point but over the years she has let her brain turn to mush. You cannot have any sort of sensible discussion with her about any even slightly serious topic because she is unable or unwilling to engage.
- She always wants to be the center of attention and starts to pout or pick fights if she feels not enough attention is being paid to her. So many holidays and family gatherings were ruined by my mother throwing a tantrum because she wasn't getting enough attention.
- She has never been there for me when I've needed advice. So I've just stopped asking.
- She openly favors my sibling over me. My sibling doesn't really get along with my mother either, but doesn't matter - the other sibling is the "good" one in her eyes and always has been.
Basically, I don't have a mother who acts like a "mother." Instead, I have a mother who acts like a snotty, self-centered, pre-teen girl. Maybe each of the things I listed above or even all of them together seem petty or small - and not enough of a reason to dislike one's own mother - but keep in mind that all of the above has been this way for YEARS and YEARS.
- She never asks me about my life or how I am doing, unless she wants to criticize me -- doesn't matter what it is (job, weight, haircut, whatever), she finds something to pick at and tell me how I am doing it wrong. Constant nagging.
- She talks endlessly and without interruption about herself. She has virtually no friends and so mostly she likes to talk about mean gossip she has heard about other ladies who work out at her gym. Or she'll start saying hateful things about various family relatives, my sibling's wife (she hates her daughter-in-law, for no good reason, it seems).
- She is incredibly vain and shallow. She has to look just *perfect* and she is critical of others who don't look "perfect" in her opinion. Example: Shortly after I gave birth to my first child, she called me up to tell me she saw a photo my husband sent to grandparents of us leaving the hospital with our baby - and she said she called because she just wanted to let me know that I looked really fat in the photo.
- She isn't very intelligent. I know this is unkind to say, especially about one's own parent, but I've come to realize over the years that she just isn't very smart. Or maybe she was at one point but over the years she has let her brain turn to mush. You cannot have any sort of sensible discussion with her about any even slightly serious topic because she is unable or unwilling to engage.
- She always wants to be the center of attention and starts to pout or pick fights if she feels not enough attention is being paid to her. So many holidays and family gatherings were ruined by my mother throwing a tantrum because she wasn't getting enough attention.
- She has never been there for me when I've needed advice. So I've just stopped asking.
- She openly favors my sibling over me. My sibling doesn't really get along with my mother either, but doesn't matter - the other sibling is the "good" one in her eyes and always has been.
Basically, I don't have a mother who acts like a "mother." Instead, I have a mother who acts like a snotty, self-centered, pre-teen girl. Maybe each of the things I listed above or even all of them together seem petty or small - and not enough of a reason to dislike one's own mother - but keep in mind that all of the above has been this way for YEARS and YEARS.
Anonymous
04/12/2017 20:23
Subject: I can't stand my mother!
My mom makes an effort to put me in a bad mood when I'm having a good day and turns anything I say into an insult to her. I was really sick at school(terrible stomach pains and very light headed and dizzy) and asked her to pick me up, but she showed no emotion or sympathy and told me suck it up and "put my big girl panties on". I had PE later that day in 90 degree heat and that didn't help anything. When she finally picked me up at the end of the day she yelled at me for "throwing her for a loop" and almost messing up her schedule. Later my dad called and asked if I was okay(I texted him earlier that I wanted him to pick me up and then didn't have access to my to read his replies) without asking me if I was hungry or felt sick or anything she answered for me as if she knows me better she than I know me. She reels me both to my face and behind my back that I am rude, a brat, worthless, and will get nowhere in life.
Anonymous
10/19/2011 09:40
Subject: I can't stand my mother!
I dont hate my mother I just avoid her. She drains the life out of me. She's not interested in my life at all, never has been never will be. Growing up, my mother isolated me. As an adult I had to draw a line with my mother. I was sick of the frantic endless phone calls of her talking about her life, her problems. Throughout my life that I wished I could talk to my mother about men, sex, being a woman, just life in general and I cant. I love my mother but at a certain point I realized that our relationship will never be normal or close. Am I sad about it? Yes, but I'm alot happier now that I've distanced myself a bit.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:36
Subject: I can't stand my mother!
Anonymous wrote:Mine's dead.
Mend the relationship while you have it. You're luckier than you know.
Really? Even when your mother allowed her husband to frequent rape you as a young CHILD and then deny that it happened. That is pure evil, not luck. Being lucky would have been being abandoned on a door step.
Anonymous
10/18/2011 21:23
Subject: I can't stand my mother!
8:26 - Exactly. Some people truly don't get it - BE GRATEFUL instead of being judgmental to those who did nothing to bring on their horrible parent/s. Some moms are sick, some daughters are tired of dealing with it. Don't make it complicated.
It's not little petty things, it the hateful words and actions toward not only their own children, but their innocent grandchildren as well. It does nothing but remind some of how truly difficult it was being an innocent child in a horrific household and how difficult the simplest things were growing up because you had a sick mother. There are moms who are miserable and need a scapegoat. There are some daughters who are somehow judged (!) for what terrible moms they have, as if they somehow did something to deserve it. NO, NO, NO innocent child deserves to be caught in their mother's crossfire constantly and told horrible things.
I could go on. OP, you are not alone.
I have also noticed the unsympathetic ones are usually up their parents or IL's a**es for money. No amount of money in the world would make me sell my soul like that.
It's not little petty things, it the hateful words and actions toward not only their own children, but their innocent grandchildren as well. It does nothing but remind some of how truly difficult it was being an innocent child in a horrific household and how difficult the simplest things were growing up because you had a sick mother. There are moms who are miserable and need a scapegoat. There are some daughters who are somehow judged (!) for what terrible moms they have, as if they somehow did something to deserve it. NO, NO, NO innocent child deserves to be caught in their mother's crossfire constantly and told horrible things.
I could go on. OP, you are not alone.
I have also noticed the unsympathetic ones are usually up their parents or IL's a**es for money. No amount of money in the world would make me sell my soul like that.