Anonymous
05/23/2012 11:10
Subject: Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
Anonymous wrote:I've not only lost friends, I've lost my entire network of friends. After what I've been through and what I've seen now, having an ASD DS, I'm not sad about the loss. My once meaningless existence with surface-level friends has given way to new friendships with people who are fighting for their children and for the same causes.
There are those who get it and there are the 99% that don't. I prefer to be where I am on this issue.
I have to agree with this. I didn't lose an entire network of friends just a couple who decided that their" perfect children" who had been good friends with my child dropped him and us. One boy in particular because he only cared about soccer and my son did not only wanted to be friends with his soccer friends.
Now I understand that maybe the boys would not be as close. But to let a whole friendship go? They couldn't find one other thing? We are of the philosophy that you can be friends with lots of different people.
Anonymous
05/23/2012 10:21
Subject: Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
Anonymous wrote:21:28- I think the two problem are deeply interrelated....
This is 17:53. I don't think the two are necessarily interrelated at all. No one wants to be around an undisciplined child or one that whose parents makes excuses for their behavior - whether the child has special needs or not. But, it can be very isolating to have a child that isn't like other kids. It doesn't matter how well behaved that child is.
Anonymous
05/23/2012 09:50
Subject: Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
21:28- I think the two problem are deeply interrelated....
Anonymous
05/21/2012 21:40
Subject: Re:Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
16:59, what do you think the mentally retarded family members will do to your children?
Anonymous
05/21/2012 21:28
Subject: Re:Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
I agree that there are two threads here. I wish this one hadnt veered toward the second one; i think the first one, the isolation a SN parent feels, is very important
Anonymous
05/21/2012 17:53
Subject: Re:Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
As a PP indicated, there are a couple of different viewpoints here
1 - the isolation of parenting a child with special needs
2 - how parents who aren't parenting turn their kids into nightmares regardless of SN or not
Two of my three kids have SN. I don't feel we've been dropped by anyone but when my youngest (now in K) is a little older, his communication challenges will likely result in social isolation for him. But, our kids are well disciplined, more than most, because they have to be. We've really invested a lot of time and effort, particularly in the early years, in making sure they know we always carry through on consequences and that the consequences are meaningful and appropriate. It's really paid off. We're also not in denial about our kids' challenges and behaviors. We spent a lot of resources on figuring out what's going on and how we should treat/respond to it. I now find myself somewhat intolerant and judgmental of parents who don't appropriately discipline or even discipline at all.
It doesn't matter whether the kids have SN or not, I have limited energy and when I can muster it to socialize, I don't want to waste it with someone whose kids are a nightmare. It's one thing if a parent is doing the right thing, their kid is just a handful. I have a lot more tolerance for that and appreciate that the parent is doing what they can/should. I have a lot of sympathy for that parent and appreciate they've got a harder row to hoe than I do. I support them as I can. But, when a parent just blows it off, doesn't follow through or set boundaries, I drift away.
1 - the isolation of parenting a child with special needs
2 - how parents who aren't parenting turn their kids into nightmares regardless of SN or not
Two of my three kids have SN. I don't feel we've been dropped by anyone but when my youngest (now in K) is a little older, his communication challenges will likely result in social isolation for him. But, our kids are well disciplined, more than most, because they have to be. We've really invested a lot of time and effort, particularly in the early years, in making sure they know we always carry through on consequences and that the consequences are meaningful and appropriate. It's really paid off. We're also not in denial about our kids' challenges and behaviors. We spent a lot of resources on figuring out what's going on and how we should treat/respond to it. I now find myself somewhat intolerant and judgmental of parents who don't appropriately discipline or even discipline at all.
It doesn't matter whether the kids have SN or not, I have limited energy and when I can muster it to socialize, I don't want to waste it with someone whose kids are a nightmare. It's one thing if a parent is doing the right thing, their kid is just a handful. I have a lot more tolerance for that and appreciate that the parent is doing what they can/should. I have a lot of sympathy for that parent and appreciate they've got a harder row to hoe than I do. I support them as I can. But, when a parent just blows it off, doesn't follow through or set boundaries, I drift away.
Anonymous
05/21/2012 09:28
Subject: Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have been on the other hand of something like this, my friend had a completely out of control kid, it got to a point I didn't feel safe with this kid in my house, he would try to hurt my 5 Y.O DD and would start fights with my DS (then 10, like him). When I brought this up with my friend, she hid behind "Oh, he just has some special needs, you have to be able to deal with difforent types of people". Nope, I'm sorry, but my safety, and my kids' safety comes before acting like your kid is perfactly fine just because He is ADHD and some other stuff...
What are you doing in the SN forum? How is your post relevant to OP's original post? [/quote
The post IS relevant becasue it discusses the other side... always productive in a discussion!
You want parents of NT's to understand and accept kids with SN... and then are upset when they read SN forums? If more folks without SN kids read these forums then there would be more folks working on developing the "understanding" that is needed.
Anonymous
05/21/2012 09:21
Subject: Re:Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
I felt I had to reply to this as the friend who has dropped a mom of a kid with adhd. My friend - whom I adore- has a son who is now 14 with a ADHD diagnosis. I have a 10-year old.
When her son was 9 he showed my 5 year old internet porn when they were at my house. How do I know? Becasue he brought his laptop to me and asked me how to erase the history so his mom would not find out. I was upset- and the boy was back on his laptop a week later (unsupervised) becasue "he does't mean to..." meanwhile I am explaining penis in vagina sex to my 5 year old...
We went on a road trip together. When we returned I noticed there were holes (big holes) in the leather of the back seat of my new car. There was a screwdriver on the floor. He swore it was my child that did it... but I pointed out that mine was in a Booster Seat that was raised and had sides. His mom said... well he would not lie to me.... and we really don't know.... Over the years moisture has gotten in tehre and now my car is moldy and smells really bad.
Two years ago they were over for a visit. The boy pulled poles out of the entrance to my driveway that hold a specialized driveway fence ( i Put it up when the kids are playing int he driveway, but otherwise could take it down). I had paid $125 to have them installed. His mom shook her head and said "Oh (Name)". That was all. No more dirveway fence for me.
When he took all of my house screens that were under the back porch and piled rocks on them, his mother said how much he enjoyed doing things outdoors. All of the screens were ruined. We are both single mothers living on a tight budget btw... I knew she could not afford to do anything about it... but I still dont have screen for all of the windows in my house.... with no air conditioning in the summer it means bugs or sweating.
The final straw was when my 9 year old asked me what weed was. I asked "where did you hear that"... and was told that the other child was bragging that he smokes it-(and not to tell me). I told his mom.... but she already knew and said she had "spoken to him" about it.
I love my friend- I really do. My heart misses her. But these are only some examples. You can call me cold, or accuse me of not understanding her diffiuclties.... or you can realize that it hurts me just as much. But her total comitment to the idea that he is "just different" seems to mean that his needs are more important than my finacial needs or the well-being and safety of my child. No More!
When her son was 9 he showed my 5 year old internet porn when they were at my house. How do I know? Becasue he brought his laptop to me and asked me how to erase the history so his mom would not find out. I was upset- and the boy was back on his laptop a week later (unsupervised) becasue "he does't mean to..." meanwhile I am explaining penis in vagina sex to my 5 year old...
We went on a road trip together. When we returned I noticed there were holes (big holes) in the leather of the back seat of my new car. There was a screwdriver on the floor. He swore it was my child that did it... but I pointed out that mine was in a Booster Seat that was raised and had sides. His mom said... well he would not lie to me.... and we really don't know.... Over the years moisture has gotten in tehre and now my car is moldy and smells really bad.
Two years ago they were over for a visit. The boy pulled poles out of the entrance to my driveway that hold a specialized driveway fence ( i Put it up when the kids are playing int he driveway, but otherwise could take it down). I had paid $125 to have them installed. His mom shook her head and said "Oh (Name)". That was all. No more dirveway fence for me.
When he took all of my house screens that were under the back porch and piled rocks on them, his mother said how much he enjoyed doing things outdoors. All of the screens were ruined. We are both single mothers living on a tight budget btw... I knew she could not afford to do anything about it... but I still dont have screen for all of the windows in my house.... with no air conditioning in the summer it means bugs or sweating.
The final straw was when my 9 year old asked me what weed was. I asked "where did you hear that"... and was told that the other child was bragging that he smokes it-(and not to tell me). I told his mom.... but she already knew and said she had "spoken to him" about it.
I love my friend- I really do. My heart misses her. But these are only some examples. You can call me cold, or accuse me of not understanding her diffiuclties.... or you can realize that it hurts me just as much. But her total comitment to the idea that he is "just different" seems to mean that his needs are more important than my finacial needs or the well-being and safety of my child. No More!
Anonymous
05/14/2012 14:22
Subject: Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
Anonymous wrote:I have been on the other hand of something like this, my friend had a completely out of control kid, it got to a point I didn't feel safe with this kid in my house, he would try to hurt my 5 Y.O DD and would start fights with my DS (then 10, like him). When I brought this up with my friend, she hid behind "Oh, he just has some special needs, you have to be able to deal with difforent types of people". Nope, I'm sorry, but my safety, and my kids' safety comes before acting like your kid is perfactly fine just because He is ADHD and some other stuff...
What are you doing in the SN forum? How is your post relevant to OP's original post?
Anonymous
05/14/2012 13:50
Subject: Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
I have been on the other hand of something like this, my friend had a completely out of control kid, it got to a point I didn't feel safe with this kid in my house, he would try to hurt my 5 Y.O DD and would start fights with my DS (then 10, like him). When I brought this up with my friend, she hid behind "Oh, he just has some special needs, you have to be able to deal with difforent types of people". Nope, I'm sorry, but my safety, and my kids' safety comes before acting like your kid is perfactly fine just because He is ADHD and some other stuff...
Anonymous
05/12/2012 14:56
Subject: Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:15:40 and 16:30, so you're saying it's ok to stop scheduling playdates if my DD doesn't like your -- or any other -- SN kid?
Yes.
If your kid doesn't like special needs kids, keep her away from my kid. I don't need the stress. It makes me a little sad, but if she's that uncomfortable you should stay away.
If your kid never adapts to hanging with people with special needs, he/she will grow up to be entitled and intolerant, but that's really not my problem. It's not my job or my kids' job to teach your kid how to deal with other people or to have compassion and understanding.
NP here. I'm not sure I follow your reasoning. As a parent, I might know a child has SN. That doesn't mean my child knows it. He/she may simply not like the other child, or stop liking them for whatever reason. At the preschool/early elementary age, friendships (as noted by a PP) can be very fluid. Today's BFF from a mutual love of Star Wars may collapse and be replaced by tomorrow's BFF over soccer, as it were. So should I, as the parent, continue to schedule playdates for a child the no longer like? Only if they have SN? Or all children? And it sounds to me like you're saying they're going to grow up to be entitle and intolerant otherwise....from something they may not even recognize?
Sounds a little flawed. Not everything is that obvious to the kids at this point, likely just to us.
If your kid ostracizes or shuns my child because my child has a disability, I'm not going to tell you it's okay. If you don't explain to your child that a little extra patience is required for some people because they have disabilities, I'm not going to tell you that's okay.