Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 19:15     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
"If the mom wants/needs camp for her kid, she needs to pay for it."

This just sounds so wrong. It's like you're debating whether or not welfare should pay for the kid's camp. It's his own father you're talking about not contributing to his own kid's camp. Really sad that some children have to grow up feeling like their other parent resents having to pay for them. This person should never have kids in the first place if they resent the obligations that go along with them, including the financial ones.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 18:43     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The ex is not supposed to be paying the sole cost of raising the child which many of you seem to think. Yes, the mom needs to work and support her kid and the dad contributes not pays for everything! The mom is on a budget whether she wants to be or not and she can not afford all the extras. That's life. So the extra summer camp she wants - she should either pay for it or forgo it.
....We do now have a child of our own and I am not the OP, but I spend far more on his kids than I do on my own. The priorities are different. Would I choose not to send my child to camp. I AM! Its a luxury and at this point, getting money saved for his college is far moor important. We also are not lavish on toys or anything else and I don't even buy birthday or holiday gifts yet for my own child and always have my husband's. But, at some point, you have to start saying no and setting some limits as dad isn't an endless money pit and mom has some responsibility. And, it is OK to say NO to your children and teach them about money/be financially responsible. There is far more I'd like to do for my child but there is need and want and there is a balance and my priority is my child's future and he has what he needs now but I am far more concerned about his future. I will tell my child, I pay your food, clothing, health insurance and lots of extras and you have what you need. That is great XXX has the coolest cell phone but your dad and I don't have them and neither are you! But, unlike XXX, this is my priority and I hope it will be the same when you have children.


So leave the kid home all summer with mom? learning and growing how? Kids need to be around other kids to learn and grow. Most kids will be in camp b/c their parents are at work. Again, if DH's husband can afford it why not ? And how on God's green planet is this step mommie dearest business?


OMG! Leave the child home with his mom! Expect his mom to actually contribute to his "learning and growing"? Ridiculous!!!

If the mom wants/needs camp for her kid, she needs to pay for it.

She shouldn't be setting her son up to believe that her dad and/or she has unlimited resources for him to do anything he wants.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 18:32     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Going to camp is by no means a need in the OP's scenario. It is something the child's mother wants, but it is not a need.


AMEN! Your DH should pay the court ordered child support and your portion of medical and other costs as outlined by the agreement. If it's not in the agreement, she doesn't get it.

If she doesn't like it, she can either take him to court and have it modified, or agree to allow the child to live with you full time.


You fail. "She" doesn't get it, the child does -- the child of the person paying child support. I am the PP who said it was the norm to resent child support and make it about some flaw with the mom instead of what it is: support for one's very own child. This post is a perfect example of that thinking.


And as it is written so shall it be.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 18:31     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The ex is not supposed to be paying the sole cost of raising the child which many of you seem to think. Yes, the mom needs to work and support her kid and the dad contributes not pays for everything! The mom is on a budget whether she wants to be or not and she can not afford all the extras. That's life. So the extra summer camp she wants - she should either pay for it or forgo it.
....We do now have a child of our own and I am not the OP, but I spend far more on his kids than I do on my own. The priorities are different. Would I choose not to send my child to camp. I AM! Its a luxury and at this point, getting money saved for his college is far moor important. We also are not lavish on toys or anything else and I don't even buy birthday or holiday gifts yet for my own child and always have my husband's. But, at some point, you have to start saying no and setting some limits as dad isn't an endless money pit and mom has some responsibility. And, it is OK to say NO to your children and teach them about money/be financially responsible. There is far more I'd like to do for my child but there is need and want and there is a balance and my priority is my child's future and he has what he needs now but I am far more concerned about his future. I will tell my child, I pay your food, clothing, health insurance and lots of extras and you have what you need. That is great XXX has the coolest cell phone but your dad and I don't have them and neither are you! But, unlike XXX, this is my priority and I hope it will be the same when you have children.


So leave the kid home all summer with mom? learning and growing how? Kids need to be around other kids to learn and grow. Most kids will be in camp b/c their parents are at work. Again, if DH's husband can afford it why not ? And how on God's green planet is this step mommie dearest business?
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 17:32     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Going to camp is by no means a need in the OP's scenario. It is something the child's mother wants, but it is not a need.


AMEN! Your DH should pay the court ordered child support and your portion of medical and other costs as outlined by the agreement. If it's not in the agreement, she doesn't get it.

If she doesn't like it, she can either take him to court and have it modified, or agree to allow the child to live with you full time.


You fail. "She" doesn't get it, the child does -- the child of the person paying child support. I am the PP who said it was the norm to resent child support and make it about some flaw with the mom instead of what it is: support for one's very own child. This post is a perfect example of that thinking.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 17:10     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Please -- I'm married and if my husband consistently signed our kid up for activities w/out consulting me..I'd be pissed. If it is a SHARED expense it needs to be a SHARED decsion.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 10:35     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:Child support isn't about "need," it's about giving the child the best you can.

7:05 Yes it makes sense for dad to know so long as he doesn't use it to control the situation for control's sake. It's not clear how involved he is, when parents live close to each other, extracurricals are logistically as well as financially entwined!


7:05 here again. I totally agree. I think our situation is great as it mandates some level of cooperation. However, it works for us because DSS's mom and our household both have good incomes, we live about 30 minutes from each other, and custody is joint. What I've noticed, however, from an "outsider's" perspective, is that what's for the sake of the child vs the sake of the parent (or control) often isn't that easy to tease apart. When the child's interest is one thing and the parents' interest are two things, what can look totally reasonable to one parent can seem to be unreasonable to the other.

I could see the OP's husband having severeal reasons for not wanting the camp in question. Maybe its the money. Maybe he thinks his son shouldn't be scheduled all summer. (If he has to have scheduled camps during dad's time due to work schedules, maybe he thinks there is an advantage to some down time) Maybe he doesn't think its that great a camp and its mainly to give mom a break. Or, maybe he's being controlling. Who knows.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 07:34     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:Going to camp is by no means a need in the OP's scenario. It is something the child's mother wants, but it is not a need.


AMEN! Your DH should pay the court ordered child support and your portion of medical and other costs as outlined by the agreement. If it's not in the agreement, she doesn't get it.

If she doesn't like it, she can either take him to court and have it modified, or agree to allow the child to live with you full time.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 07:33     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Child support isn't about "need," it's about giving the child the best you can.

7:05 Yes it makes sense for dad to know so long as he doesn't use it to control the situation for control's sake. It's not clear how involved he is, when parents live close to each other, extracurricals are logistically as well as financially entwined!
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 07:05     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
We don't pay child support for my DSS but pay for 60% of all tuition, activities, and medical bills. Because the other parent has a financial stake in each activity, neither has ever signed dss up for something without asking the other parent first. Its just common sense and good manners. There's nothing wrong in the OP's husband approaching things this way. He's not saying no to any activity, but he should be asked before dss gets signed up for anything where mom is expecting a contribution. All parents have to consider the cost vs benefit to the child when were talking about extras. It's not wronf for dad to get to do so when he's paying.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2011 00:30     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Going to camp is by no means a need in the OP's scenario. It is something the child's mother wants, but it is not a need.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2011 23:44     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The ex is not supposed to be paying the sole cost of raising the child which many of you seem to think. Yes, the mom needs to work and support her kid and the dad contributes not pays for everything! The mom is on a budget whether she wants to be or not and she can not afford all the extras. That's life. So the extra summer camp she wants - she should either pay for it or forgo it.

And I say this as a divorced mom with a school age child who receives child support...


Harsh.

OP, the norm seems to be to resent child support and to constantly try to link it to some weakness in the mom, instead of what it is -- money to pay for things for one's own child.

If this were your child together, wouldn't you want him to go to camp? Wouldn't you pay for it if you could afford it? Almost everyone I know would. Why is it any different for your DH just because he is divorced? He is still raising a child.

I wouldn't consider skipping camp for my kids if I could afford to pay it. And I rarely get child support so I pay for everything. Can you imagine thinking, about your own children, "I already pay for your food, clothing and health insurance. I'm doing enough for you."


You missed the entire point. This child has two parents who are equally financially responsible and it is not exclusively the father/stepmom's responsibility to pay for everything - actually they a really paying double as their "share" is supposed to come from child support and then they are paying on top of that. At some point, enough is enough.

We do now have a child of our own and I am not the OP, but I spend far more on his kids than I do on my own. The priorities are different. Would I choose not to send my child to camp. I AM! Its a luxury and at this point, getting money saved for his college is far moor important. We also are not lavish on toys or anything else and I don't even buy birthday or holiday gifts yet for my own child and always have my husband's. But, at some point, you have to start saying no and setting some limits as dad isn't an endless money pit and mom has some responsibility. And, it is OK to say NO to your children and teach them about money/be financially responsible. There is far more I'd like to do for my child but there is need and want and there is a balance and my priority is my child's future and he has what he needs now but I am far more concerned about his future. I will tell my child, I pay your food, clothing, health insurance and lots of extras and you have what you need. That is great XXX has the coolest cell phone but your dad and I don't and neither are you! But, unlike XXX, this is my priority and I hope it will be the same when you have children.




I get basically no child support so your sad story doesn't really hit the target. The OP and her DH don't pay "double" -- they pay for a portion of the child's needs, and even if it's more than the child support amount, it isn't more than 100% of his needs -- which every parent should expect to pay when they have a child, and which the DH would be paying if he were not divorced. Even though it irks me that my DC's father is a deadbeat, I don't mind paying for absolutely everything -- because i am the parent and I would make sure my kids had what they needed whether someone else gave me half, a quarter, 100 % or none of the what that amount is. Child support is not 50-50, BTW. OP's DH may make more money than his ex does and not have physical custody, therefore he pays more. Visitation is not custody.

And you are not the OP. If you can't afford to send your kid to camp, then obviously it's not an issue -- the kid can't go. But the OP said they could afford it but were not liking the mom's tone or attitude about the request for money. Different scenario.

How old is your own child that you have never bought them a birthday or holiday gift? Please don't tell me you are talking about an infant when you say you are saving for college rather than sending them to camp.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2011 23:18     Subject: Re:paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The ex is not supposed to be paying the sole cost of raising the child which many of you seem to think. Yes, the mom needs to work and support her kid and the dad contributes not pays for everything! The mom is on a budget whether she wants to be or not and she can not afford all the extras. That's life. So the extra summer camp she wants - she should either pay for it or forgo it.

And I say this as a divorced mom with a school age child who receives child support...


Harsh.

OP, the norm seems to be to resent child support and to constantly try to link it to some weakness in the mom, instead of what it is -- money to pay for things for one's own child.

If this were your child together, wouldn't you want him to go to camp? Wouldn't you pay for it if you could afford it? Almost everyone I know would. Why is it any different for your DH just because he is divorced? He is still raising a child.

I wouldn't consider skipping camp for my kids if I could afford to pay it. And I rarely get child support so I pay for everything. Can you imagine thinking, about your own children, "I already pay for your food, clothing and health insurance. I'm doing enough for you."


You missed the entire point. This child has two parents who are equally financially responsible and it is not exclusively the father/stepmom's responsibility to pay for everything - actually they a really paying double as their "share" is supposed to come from child support and then they are paying on top of that. At some point, enough is enough.

We do now have a child of our own and I am not the OP, but I spend far more on his kids than I do on my own. The priorities are different. Would I choose not to send my child to camp. I AM! Its a luxury and at this point, getting money saved for his college is far moor important. We also are not lavish on toys or anything else and I don't even buy birthday or holiday gifts yet for my own child and always have my husband's. But, at some point, you have to start saying no and setting some limits as dad isn't an endless money pit and mom has some responsibility. And, it is OK to say NO to your children and teach them about money/be financially responsible. There is far more I'd like to do for my child but there is need and want and there is a balance and my priority is my child's future and he has what he needs now but I am far more concerned about his future. I will tell my child, I pay your food, clothing, health insurance and lots of extras and you have what you need. That is great XXX has the coolest cell phone but your dad and I don't have them and neither are you! But, unlike XXX, this is my priority and I hope it will be the same when you have children.

Anonymous
Post 06/06/2011 14:49     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
Anonymous wrote:"There are elements of his ex's past relationship with money that DSS's attitude about his dad being 'Rich' that also need to be addressed between DH and ex."

OP - MYOB.


Concur. OP-MYOB b/c this ain't it.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2011 13:02     Subject: paying for "extras" on top of child support
"There are elements of his ex's past relationship with money that DSS's attitude about his dad being 'Rich' that also need to be addressed between DH and ex."

OP - MYOB.