OP, is there anything in his life right now that makes him truly happy?

If so, what is it?

If not, that is the problem, the kids are a symptom.

ask him how he'd like to have himself for a father, with an attitude like that. kids can tell when they're a source of strain and tension. i agree, he needs to suck it up and get on with it.

for those who don't yet have kids: (from the 13:46 PP)

There are certain things nobody really tells you about having kids. You have to discover it on your own. The big untold truth is that there is a lot of drudge work involved. It is not all fairy tales and moonbeams, no matter how much you wanted kids or how long you spent trying or how much you love your kids. Sometimes parts of parenthood gets really old. Like watching Barney makes me want to stab myself. When my daughter is sick she is super-whiny and needy. Sometimes I feel bad for her and sometimes I just want her to stop whining. Sometimes I am so tired that I could fall asleep standing up, and I was always someone who could survive on 4-5 hours, but parenthood can take you to a new level of exhaustion. That can really affect how you look at things. And you can feel like a real d-bag admitting you aren't always thrilled about parenthood.

The bad things about having kids are very easy to quantify, which is why you hear people complaining about them. The good things about having kids are very difficult to quantify. It is really hard to convey just how amazing it is when your child smiles at you for the first time and it isn't gas. Or when she says "mama" and she means you. Or when she runs to you at daycare pickup because she is so excited to see you. Or the first time she says "i love you" without being prompted. Or realizing that you've created your own little mini-me, complete with the nose you hate and the stubbornness you could do without. I love my daughter more than I ever could have imagined, but I do have my days where I'm thinking, "damnit, just get in the CAR already! can I be at work on time for ONCE??"

Anonymous wrote:We have two young kids and both work full-time and are having a rough time of it - of course. We're exhausted and busy pretty much all the time, but the kids are young, we have a great house, great jobs, two great kids, etc. At the end of the day, even when we've worked all day, and then spent two hours or so trying to get both kids into bed, and everyone's exhausted, I still know that I am happy we made the decision to have kids. My DH on the other hand, says to me frequently that if he knew what he knows now, he would not have had the kids. This is heart breaking to me and is really hurting our relationship. He's fine with the kids - he plays with them and isn't mean or anything, but he's not a great dad and he definitely doesn't enjoying parenting. If I ask him to watch them so I can go out, he complains; if he's giving them a bath, he's on his iPhone while they're bathing instead of playing with them, etc.

I'm really not sure where to go from here. It's killing our relationship - I hardly feel like being intimate with him or even really spending any time with him because it's such a personal hurt to hear pretty much daily how he doesn't like his life with us and wishes he had made different choices. Thoughts? Anyone BTDT? Is this a marriage ending issue? I want him to realize how lucky he is and how awesome they are.

I think you need to get a sitter and go out to dinner and talk to him. He sounds unhappy and I think you need to say that his comments and behavior are killing your feelings toward him. I'd go to therapy yourself and go with him if he is willing. Not sure if he is depresed, immature, or what, but it sounds like it is really impacting you and the kids need for at least one of you to be functioning and engaged. Does he have a history of close intimate relationships with anyone? Does depression, alcoholism, divorce run in his family? Sometimes you can be busy and get by as a couple, but you are at a juncture - resolve some of your ind baggage and learn how to build a loving family or split. Some people do go on as you are describing but it's not really fair to you or the kids. I'd take some steps now to get help at least for you. There are therapists who do lunch appointments. I'd also highly recommend getting involved with PEP, it will surround you with like minded parents who all want to build happier more fulfilling relationships and families.
http://www.parentencouragement.org/

Anonymous wrote:People always feel so sorry for moms who have postpartum depression, but men can have the same thing and everybody hangs them up by their balls. Maybe talk him into some family counseling. I don't think this is uncommon. He needs to remember why you chose to have a family. The fact that he helps you get them ready for bed means he is still there emotionally. Let him vent and tell him that it is ok to feel over whelmed. Then get some help. Good luck.

This. Your description of your husband sounds a lot like me when I was in the depths of post-partum depression. I just wanted to run away, regretted having a child, getting married, wanted to be free and single. Now I realize that was the depression talking. If you can get him into counseling either by himself or together, it could be really helpful. And though it's REALLY hard, try to have some compassion and try not to take it so personally - I really wish my husband had been able to do this for me.

I am a married, but not a parent yet, late 20s, who browses this website just casually occasionally. I read these responses with great interest. This is something I've always wondered about. There was a great article in TIME magazine maybe a year ago, about happiness and having children. The basic conclusion was that people think having children will make them happy, but many times it just pulls them in too many directions and they are less happy. The big takeaway was that it was most fulfilling to have one child- that provided most of the advantages- without the greater drawbacks that come from having two or more.

Anonymous wrote:After having one child, I realized parenting is not exactly what I thought it would be, and that it affected my ability to live the life I wanted much more than I had thought it would (not in terms of going out and partying, but in terms of having a rewarding career, time to think and read, travel, etc.). I am very happy that I had my son anyway, and love him very much, but it made me realize that one child is enough for me. I feel like with one, I can eventually bounce back and get back some of the other things I enjoy - hey, hopefully my son will enjoy reading and traveling with me one day - but more than one would be waaaay too much for me. If friends ask if I am planning to have another, I am honest about this.

This resonates with me. I will see what we end up doing. But this is good to think about.

One other view is- though I see many advantages to having just one... in my own life, my siblings are some of my best friends and I can't imagine where I'd be without them.

I have a 1yr old and a 4 yr old. My husband is awesome! He loves our kids so much, but he is saying that they are enough. That I can understand, but regreting having them, that doesn't make any sense. Does he not believe that they are his, or has he always seemed withdrawn from things. It may be that he has some social issues, not that he doesn't love his kids.

* He sounds depressed. Get him to a doctor and/or therapist.

* You each get one night a week (or every other week) to go out with your friends and the other parent stays home. With little ones, this might even be after they go to bed. But especially if most of your friends are still singletons (or DINKs), you need adult time with them.

* It really does help to spend time with families you like who have a positive attitude. Has your DH clicked with any of the dads of your older DCs buddies? Maybe some daddy-kid playground trips?

* We only have one kid, who is now six. DH's interest level has increased exponentially over the last few years. It really does get easier as they become more independent and engaging.

Since no one else has mentioned it, one thing you can start doing (today!) is to give him positive reinforcement when you do see him engaged with the kids. If you tell him that you value what he's doing as a father in the moment, he'll want to keep doing that. It also doesn't hurt to admit to him that this is a chore but these kids love you and him so much and that *you* feel like that the struggle will be worth it. Don't expect that he will validate (or agree) with the statement but by modeling positive parenting techniques it might rub off on him. I would also look in to some parenting classes such as PEP or reading 123-Magic. Knowing what to expect and getting good behavior from your kids can really improve you outlook on being a parent! Even better if you can get your DH to do this with you. Good luck!

OP, are you sure you all love your house? I ask because we lived ina 1940's style house and it wore me out, speciffically all those freaking stairs. Also, it seems that you and your DH are very task driven. What is that you are so busy doing? Also, why do you view the "two hors trying to get the kids to bed" as a chore, v. "two hours I get to spend time with them"? Yes, everybody needs to get to bed but why is it a struggle? If there are behavior or medical issues, deal with them. If not, change your attitude. I've found it's the little things that make me happy, stuff like watching an event I care about on tv even if itmeans bedtime is delayed, or going for a walk. Also, it might help if your husband had more friends that have kids. I say that because if you hung out with all teachers, you'd start resenting that you didn't get a summer break while they did. We tend to want what we see those around us having, or at least what they tell us we have, or what we imagine they have. Have you asked him speciffically what he regrets? Any way he can get some of that back while including the kids? If not, why not?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same as your DH.

OP here - are you a father? If so, and if you truly feel this way - what could your wife do for you to help? And I mean besides just letting you go out and do whatever you want to do all the time - I mean realistically given that you have kids and you made these choices - what could she do to help?

I'm a mother. I learned to suck it up.

No. You're not.

OP: I didn't read all the responses, but if your husband doesn't already travel for work, then you should tell your husband to go on a week vacation by himself to reflect. After a week away, he might realize how much he misses his family and start appreciating what he has and perhaps come back changed, else he is an ass if he comes back still complaining.

BTW - When I am at my whits end, I also sometimes complain to my husband that I regret having my kids; however, after I have calmed down - I always regret saying that. One of these days I do plan on taking a vacation by myself with my friends; however, I know I will miss my family.

After having one child, I realized parenting is not exactly what I thought it would be, and that it affected my ability to live the life I wanted much more than I had thought it would (not in terms of going out and partying, but in terms of having a rewarding career, time to think and read, travel, etc.). I am very happy that I had my son anyway, and love him very much, but it made me realize that one child is enough for me. I feel like with one, I can eventually bounce back and get back some of the other things I enjoy - hey, hopefully my son will enjoy reading and traveling with me one day - but more than one would be waaaay too much for me. If friends ask if I am planning to have another, I am honest about this.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone admit any of this ambivalence toward parenting to their friends?

To real life friends? No. To cyber friends I met online? Yup.

Hell no because friends with kids don't need to talk about it and childfree friends could never understand. It's just like how married women don't even try to tell single women what marriage is really like -- that would be a waste of everyone's time.