I would not tell your son of the situation. At the age of 48, my husband found my Birth mother, I was not 100% sure of making contact but he told me "think of how your Birth mother feels". I used an intermediary and letters were exchanged for 2 months before she told me of the rape. I was left devastated at the time. We still write and I have met her once. She says I have brought peace to her life. I discussed what had happened to me with a close friend and she agreed with me that she could have told me the father had just gone to America. She had met him a couple of times and told me she gave him the wrong impression. I would urge anyone not to tell adopted children too much about their backgrounds. What you don't know, you don't worry about, that has always been my philosophy.

I work with homeless young women who have children under the age of 5 and their families. Not all rape is violent, many children are conceived in non-consensual situations due to drugs, alcohol, age. It is also common to find out that many of these homeless young women themselves were products of violent or non-violent rape.

For a few of these young women this story is a narrative that they can not seem to get out of (and/or their mothers can not get out of it). I think it is a personality issue in part, some people are resilient, others are not. For those who are not as strong, perhaps they would have been better off not knowing. I think for those that are secure and strong, this is a part of them, but does not define them.

I figured out that my mother had been raped on my own, and since my parents wouldn't discuss it, it was incredibly destructive. It made the entire story of how I came into her life taboo, and I was very angry that I'd been lied to.

I don't think you can predict how your DC will respond. I think you tell a straightforward adoption story and when and if the questions get more specific, you decide then. You might consider working with a family counselor anyway, if you child starts to talk about knowing more.

Understand this. Your child's story is her story. It's not up to you to decide what it means. You handle it carefully, but don't falsify. It is not yours to alter.

"Many teen mothers feel that they are able to tell their families that they were having consensual sex."

What I meant to type was that "many teen mothers feel that they are UNABLE to tell their families that they are having consensual sex."

Adoptive mother here.

Many women in many countries say that they got pregnant by rape because it is less stigmatizing than saying they were having consensual sex. Most infants who are relinquished for adoption come from teen birthmothers. Many teen mothers feel that they are able to tell their families that they were having consensual sex.

So most adoptive parents that I know have discarded this myth, if it was told to them, and do not pass along this kind of "adoption story" to their kids.

I would, honestly, not believe this to be true. If an agency told me my child was a product of rape, I would tend not to believe that and would certainly not pass this information along to my child as a fact. If the birthmother one day chooses to tell your child that she was raped, then you can talk about it at that point.

in the meantime, you can honestly tell your child that you do not know much about the relationship between the birthparents, and that is something they would need to ask the birthparents themselves.

There's no reason to bring it up, IMO. Especially if you don't know if its true.

Questions will come about biological parents. You share what you do know and let them explore their history, but don't bring up rape. Just mention that you don't know who the father is.

I was told at 10 I was adopted. We chose you is what my mom said. Well as a kid I wondered then who is my mom, why would she give away her baby? I felt like my chest was going to explode when i was told..I cried in secret and didn't talk about any of it for years. When I was 29 I searched and found my birth mom. The adoption agency contacted her to fill out a form and when they called me back and said she wanted to meet me I was told that I was a product of rape. I don't think I was prepared to know, and now looking back I realize how badly it destroyed me. I'm just too sensitive of a person and wish I never knew I was adopted or a product of rape. My adoptive parents were never told by the agency. I'm 42 now and at least in my case I wish I was never told anything and when I was adopted that made my parents..my parents period! If my birth mother gave me up for me to have a good life--don't tell the adopted child or adult ANYTHING that will ruin their life. You made the decision to give the child a better life..Why blow that up in their face? Does it do any good? What benefit does it have to that child? Would you want to harm your biological children with something so negative? I resent ever being told anything..I deserved to have a happy childhood and adulthood with none of that pain..Think before you tell your child something so damaging. You can't take back your words.

My adopted child is a product of rape. Our doctor who specializes in adoption said you must tell him. What if he goes off as an adult and finds his birthmom and SHE tells him. The parents he trusted all his life lied to him. Nothing can make up for that. Now he will feel even worse and not trust you anymore. There is also a technique to telling the child... You do not use the word 'rape'. We are also told to talk to him about it when he asks, there is no age to tell him or not tell him. The doctor said if it is talked about lovingly by his parents then it will not be such a big deal as opposed to springing it on him when he is a teenager and he is already going through other emotional 'stuff'. Everyone deserves to know their life story. I would feel horrible if i didn't tell him and i knew i was keeping a secret like that from him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I would not tell DCA ever. Unless you saw a police report, an emergency room visit, documents that substantiate the story. If for some reason your child finds out this story, which seems very unlikely, you have a very solid reason, given the doubt of the story.

Please follow this excellent advice. There's no need to share every sordid detail. Even adopted children who aren't the result of a rape may not have the best "history." In fact, there could be unpleasant details of a marriage that don't need to be shared with children who live with their natural parents. Unless you think someone is going to come forward, it can remain forever in the past. I'm happy for all of you that this child is now a part of your family!

Completely agree with both. If there is no proof, it makes sense to give it the benefit of the doubt.

I'm adopted as well and I WOULD NEVER want to know this type of information, especially if it was potentially not ture. Never, ever, ever. Please don't do this to your child (at any age)

Definitely don't tell Your child about the circumstances of her conception. I have a daughter and i'll have to talk to her one day about how she got here - am i going to tell her i was raped - hell NO. I shall just tell her that things didn't work out, i don't particularly care if i'm lying, i firmly believe that no child should ever wonder if they carry tainted blood/genes, its tough enough to be a kid without that coming up

My mother was involved in a heavily abusive relationship and was raped herself by my father. We grew up with her resenting us for being part of him, it took years before any of us could actually see that this was her problem not ours and that we did nothing wrong.

Bad idea to tell anyone that they were conceived as a result of rape. What will that do to your child's self image? Everyone wats to believe they were conceived in love - or at least non-violent lust! Just say you don't know all the details of her birth. If the birth mother reaches out, I'd make sure she understands and respects your decision not to disclose the rape.

Adoptee's are suing to have birth records opened. What if they do and find the bmother and she tells him/her they are the product of rape? 95% of rapes go tand mos rape victims are filled with shame and guilt and blame themselves for the assault. Stop saying that the victim is protecting the father, DNA can prove who the father is. Personally, I would never adopt a child conceived in a rape; but maybe this is because I was raped, impregnated, and gave child up for adoption. I was only 17 and parents believed in "innocent life" and I could not get an abortion. This is a very painful subject and you have no right to say that the bmother lied, because you don't know the circumstances.

As an adult if she asks about meeting them or where she came from of course.

Please don't tell your child that s/he is the product of rape. It may not even be true, and you run the risk of really traumatizing your child.

My parents made a – sort of - similar revelation to me, and it was painful. When I was 8 or 9 years old, they told me that my mother had almost died while she was pregnant with me. They told me this in the presence of my older siblings, who promptly made a number of derogatory comments about my having almost killed my mother. After my parents reacted to these comments in a way that suggested they agreed with my siblings, I formed an awful image of myself as a monster in utero. It wasn’t until my early twenties when I carefully asked my mother about the difficulties she’d experienced during her pregnancy that I was able to erase that image. She explained that she had almost miscarried me. That was all.

You’re planning on telling DC when s/he is a lot older than I was when my parents shared their story with me, and the language of your posting makes me feel pretty sure you’ll be kind and appropriate in the way you share this information. Believe me, this information will still have a strong impact. Please don’t share this information which, again, may not even be true.