This is very lonely!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was worried people were going to tell me I'm terrible. I'm so glad to have found some kindred spirits.

I think I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm supposed to be social, make friends, go out, etc. I turn 50 soon and I think I've just realized it is not what makes me happy. I have always been a fan of Mary Oliver's poetry and recently I've been thinking a lot about her lifestyle, which involved a lot of solitude, time in nature, and just focusing on her work which necessitated being alone a lot. She had a partner for over 40 years so she wasn't totally alone, and certainly she worked with others at times and had friends, but it sounds like she was mostly just a solitary person.

I think that is the truest representation of what I want. It does not feel possible now with my kid the age she is, but I'd like to start working towards it.

Do you at least have a small circle to keep you grounded in reality a little, and as a safety net for emergencies? As in, a sister plus one close friend? Two cousins you’re close with?

I’ve noticed that some people, as they start to do this - usually in retirement- they very quickly decline mentally. I think they inadvertently make things a lot harder for themselves by so drastically limiting their interactions with others.

This is my fear. Lots of scare-media about loneliness being the health equivalent of two packs of cigarettes a day or whatever.

No one is suggesting being lonely or existing without any human interaction at all. We're talking about no longer engaging in obligatory socializing and just spending time with the people we really care about, including ourselves.

This used to be a fairly normal thing for people to do, especially as they got older. Contemporary expectations for socializing are really intense by historical standards.

This is a crazy take. People lived in small villages or in tribes to work together against what might kill them. Our introversion is normal for our species. We are social creatures.

It’s fine to want little to no interaction, but don’t rewrite history to justify it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was worried people were going to tell me I'm terrible. I'm so glad to have found some kindred spirits.

I think I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm supposed to be social, make friends, go out, etc. I turn 50 soon and I think I've just realized it is not what makes me happy. I have always been a fan of Mary Oliver's poetry and recently I've been thinking a lot about her lifestyle, which involved a lot of solitude, time in nature, and just focusing on her work which necessitated being alone a lot. She had a partner for over 40 years so she wasn't totally alone, and certainly she worked with others at times and had friends, but it sounds like she was mostly just a solitary person.

I think that is the truest representation of what I want. It does not feel possible now with my kid the age she is, but I'd like to start working towards it.

Do you at least have a small circle to keep you grounded in reality a little, and as a safety net for emergencies? As in, a sister plus one close friend? Two cousins you’re close with?

I’ve noticed that some people, as they start to do this - usually in retirement- they very quickly decline mentally. I think they inadvertently make things a lot harder for themselves by so drastically limiting their interactions with others.

Did you miss the part about having a spouse, a kid, AND friends?

Some people just have much lower social needs than other people, and prefer to socialize only with a very small circle of family and friends, and perhaps in more chill ways than other people do. Like sometimes my spouse and I hang out together by going to a coffeeshop and reading our own books. This is fun for us. I also like watching sports with people because your focus is on something else and there's less pressure to talk the whole time, plus you can just talk about the game or match if you want. Whereas going to a cocktail party or a big birthday dinner where I will need to maintain conversation with a variety of people over the course of several hours sounds so stressful to me -- I will come home so totally drained from that, and while I might enjoy some of the conversations, the overall experience will feel stressful and not that fun to me.

At some point in life you get tired of making yourself do this stuff that you don't enjoy at all.

Yeah I mean I’m introverted too and a big dinner party is not my idea of fun either. But there is a difference between saying “I prefer to socialize one on one, doing an activity that doesn’t involve a lot of chit chat” and “I want to not speak to humans anymore and just be alone with my plants”. I’m saying it’s easy to become so folded into yourself that it’s bad for your cognition. Also it’s easy to get sucked into online worlds and conspiracies and whatnot, without any social interactions.
And no, one spouse and one child don’t count.

Why not?

DP. Right now I'm battling a mother like this. She could have written the OP. I find myself pulling away because she needs friends and/or therapy to cope with life. Not rely on kids. I have my own issues -- and friends and therapist. I will not burden my kids.

But she doesn't sound like the OP at all because the OP sounds happy to be alone and your mom does not. Maybe your mom needs pets, plants, and books (or whatever her version of this is, different people feel fulfilled by different things, maybe her things are art or exercise or travel or something). The point of the OP is that she is fulfilled by the things she has chosen to fill her life with, and is not in need of the attention or listening ear or whatever your mom is looking for when she's pestering you.

OP says her social network consists of DH and DD. A child is not a social network.

My mother is VERY happy being alone. She just wants to use her kids as her sole social network.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was worried people were going to tell me I'm terrible. I'm so glad to have found some kindred spirits.

I think I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm supposed to be social, make friends, go out, etc. I turn 50 soon and I think I've just realized it is not what makes me happy. I have always been a fan of Mary Oliver's poetry and recently I've been thinking a lot about her lifestyle, which involved a lot of solitude, time in nature, and just focusing on her work which necessitated being alone a lot. She had a partner for over 40 years so she wasn't totally alone, and certainly she worked with others at times and had friends, but it sounds like she was mostly just a solitary person.

I think that is the truest representation of what I want. It does not feel possible now with my kid the age she is, but I'd like to start working towards it.

Do you at least have a small circle to keep you grounded in reality a little, and as a safety net for emergencies? As in, a sister plus one close friend? Two cousins you’re close with?

I’ve noticed that some people, as they start to do this - usually in retirement- they very quickly decline mentally. I think they inadvertently make things a lot harder for themselves by so drastically limiting their interactions with others.

Did you miss the part about having a spouse, a kid, AND friends?

Some people just have much lower social needs than other people, and prefer to socialize only with a very small circle of family and friends, and perhaps in more chill ways than other people do. Like sometimes my spouse and I hang out together by going to a coffeeshop and reading our own books. This is fun for us. I also like watching sports with people because your focus is on something else and there's less pressure to talk the whole time, plus you can just talk about the game or match if you want. Whereas going to a cocktail party or a big birthday dinner where I will need to maintain conversation with a variety of people over the course of several hours sounds so stressful to me -- I will come home so totally drained from that, and while I might enjoy some of the conversations, the overall experience will feel stressful and not that fun to me.

At some point in life you get tired of making yourself do this stuff that you don't enjoy at all.

Yeah I mean I’m introverted too and a big dinner party is not my idea of fun either. But there is a difference between saying “I prefer to socialize one on one, doing an activity that doesn’t involve a lot of chit chat” and “I want to not speak to humans anymore and just be alone with my plants”. I’m saying it’s easy to become so folded into yourself that it’s bad for your cognition. Also it’s easy to get sucked into online worlds and conspiracies and whatnot, without any social interactions.
And no, one spouse and one child don’t count.

Why not?

DP. Right now I'm battling a mother like this. She could have written the OP. I find myself pulling away because she needs friends and/or therapy to cope with life. Not rely on kids. I have my own issues -- and friends and therapist. I will not burden my kids.

But she doesn't sound like the OP at all because the OP sounds happy to be alone and your mom does not. Maybe your mom needs pets, plants, and books (or whatever her version of this is, different people feel fulfilled by different things, maybe her things are art or exercise or travel or something). The point of the OP is that she is fulfilled by the things she has chosen to fill her life with, and is not in need of the attention or listening ear or whatever your mom is looking for when she's pestering you.

Mom is the normal one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was worried people were going to tell me I'm terrible. I'm so glad to have found some kindred spirits.

I think I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm supposed to be social, make friends, go out, etc. I turn 50 soon and I think I've just realized it is not what makes me happy. I have always been a fan of Mary Oliver's poetry and recently I've been thinking a lot about her lifestyle, which involved a lot of solitude, time in nature, and just focusing on her work which necessitated being alone a lot. She had a partner for over 40 years so she wasn't totally alone, and certainly she worked with others at times and had friends, but it sounds like she was mostly just a solitary person.

I think that is the truest representation of what I want. It does not feel possible now with my kid the age she is, but I'd like to start working towards it.

Do you at least have a small circle to keep you grounded in reality a little, and as a safety net for emergencies? As in, a sister plus one close friend? Two cousins you’re close with?

I’ve noticed that some people, as they start to do this - usually in retirement- they very quickly decline mentally. I think they inadvertently make things a lot harder for themselves by so drastically limiting their interactions with others.

This is my fear. Lots of scare-media about loneliness being the health equivalent of two packs of cigarettes a day or whatever.

No one is suggesting being lonely or existing without any human interaction at all. We're talking about no longer engaging in obligatory socializing and just spending time with the people we really care about, including ourselves.

This used to be a fairly normal thing for people to do, especially as they got older. Contemporary expectations for socializing are really intense by historical standards.

This is not true unless you were on a homestead. Read Bowling Alone. This whole thread is indicative of the mental health crisis in the US: a positive feedback loop of dysfunction.

Yes, this scenario sounds like heaven to me.
Or 2020. (Covid!!)
Ha!!

Socializing tends to be very exhausting - - even moreso the older we get.

I think there is nothing wrong w/retiring the way that you want to.

I say go for it & do not look back.
Life is too short to live for others more than yourself. 👍🏽

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was worried people were going to tell me I'm terrible. I'm so glad to have found some kindred spirits.

I think I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm supposed to be social, make friends, go out, etc. I turn 50 soon and I think I've just realized it is not what makes me happy. I have always been a fan of Mary Oliver's poetry and recently I've been thinking a lot about her lifestyle, which involved a lot of solitude, time in nature, and just focusing on her work which necessitated being alone a lot. She had a partner for over 40 years so she wasn't totally alone, and certainly she worked with others at times and had friends, but it sounds like she was mostly just a solitary person.

I think that is the truest representation of what I want. It does not feel possible now with my kid the age she is, but I'd like to start working towards it.

Do you at least have a small circle to keep you grounded in reality a little, and as a safety net for emergencies? As in, a sister plus one close friend? Two cousins you’re close with?

I’ve noticed that some people, as they start to do this - usually in retirement- they very quickly decline mentally. I think they inadvertently make things a lot harder for themselves by so drastically limiting their interactions with others.

Did you miss the part about having a spouse, a kid, AND friends?

Some people just have much lower social needs than other people, and prefer to socialize only with a very small circle of family and friends, and perhaps in more chill ways than other people do. Like sometimes my spouse and I hang out together by going to a coffeeshop and reading our own books. This is fun for us. I also like watching sports with people because your focus is on something else and there's less pressure to talk the whole time, plus you can just talk about the game or match if you want. Whereas going to a cocktail party or a big birthday dinner where I will need to maintain conversation with a variety of people over the course of several hours sounds so stressful to me -- I will come home so totally drained from that, and while I might enjoy some of the conversations, the overall experience will feel stressful and not that fun to me.

At some point in life you get tired of making yourself do this stuff that you don't enjoy at all.

Yeah I mean I’m introverted too and a big dinner party is not my idea of fun either. But there is a difference between saying “I prefer to socialize one on one, doing an activity that doesn’t involve a lot of chit chat” and “I want to not speak to humans anymore and just be alone with my plants”. I’m saying it’s easy to become so folded into yourself that it’s bad for your cognition. Also it’s easy to get sucked into online worlds and conspiracies and whatnot, without any social interactions.
And no, one spouse and one child don’t count.

Why not?

DP. Right now I'm battling a mother like this. She could have written the OP. I find myself pulling away because she needs friends and/or therapy to cope with life. Not rely on kids. I have my own issues -- and friends and therapist. I will not burden my kids.

But she doesn't sound like the OP at all because the OP sounds happy to be alone and your mom does not. Maybe your mom needs pets, plants, and books (or whatever her version of this is, different people feel fulfilled by different things, maybe her things are art or exercise or travel or something). The point of the OP is that she is fulfilled by the things she has chosen to fill her life with, and is not in need of the attention or listening ear or whatever your mom is looking for when she's pestering you.

Anonymous wrote:
I think I'm just done. Years of feeling compelled to be social in order to be a good spouse, good worker, good parent, and good neighbor. I just want to be done. Happy to spend time with family and text with my handful of close friends, but I'd like to retire from the rest of it and just spend the vast majority of my leisure time alone.
.

This is my life. I’m an introvert but a teacher so my social battery gets run down at work. I stopped attending social events that felt empty or draining, and now I do social things 2-3 times a month, plus a twice weekly social fitness class. The rest of my free time I spend enjoying my own company and recharging, and I’m much happier than when my calendar was full.

Everyone has priorities, and you can figure out your own and live by them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was worried people were going to tell me I'm terrible. I'm so glad to have found some kindred spirits.

I think I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm supposed to be social, make friends, go out, etc. I turn 50 soon and I think I've just realized it is not what makes me happy. I have always been a fan of Mary Oliver's poetry and recently I've been thinking a lot about her lifestyle, which involved a lot of solitude, time in nature, and just focusing on her work which necessitated being alone a lot. She had a partner for over 40 years so she wasn't totally alone, and certainly she worked with others at times and had friends, but it sounds like she was mostly just a solitary person.

I think that is the truest representation of what I want. It does not feel possible now with my kid the age she is, but I'd like to start working towards it.

Do you at least have a small circle to keep you grounded in reality a little, and as a safety net for emergencies? As in, a sister plus one close friend? Two cousins you’re close with?

I’ve noticed that some people, as they start to do this - usually in retirement- they very quickly decline mentally. I think they inadvertently make things a lot harder for themselves by so drastically limiting their interactions with others.

This is my fear. Lots of scare-media about loneliness being the health equivalent of two packs of cigarettes a day or whatever.

No one is suggesting being lonely or existing without any human interaction at all. We're talking about no longer engaging in obligatory socializing and just spending time with the people we really care about, including ourselves.

This used to be a fairly normal thing for people to do, especially as they got older. Contemporary expectations for socializing are really intense by historical standards.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a nice life.

But if you are such a loner, and you love a life in solitude, why did you get married?
Your love for your spouse must be really strong for you to give up your dream life.

I hope you will have your dream life soon!

Being married or having a child is very, very different from attending social events with acquaintances, colleagues, and neighbors. They are in some ways the opposite. When I am at work functions or school functions where I have to make polite small talk and put on a certain mask (where I appear pleasantly neutral no matter what is actually going on in my life), I often crave being at home or with my close friends with whom I don't have to wear that mask and can simply be myself. With my family, in particular, I can sit in comfortable silence or share feelings that are bigger or more complicated than would be appropriate to express at a neighborhood barbecue or a PTO meeting. But also with friends there is a much broader range I can express. And they also are more expressive and open with me, they don't just limit themselves to their blandest and most publicly acceptable selves.

As I get older, I enjoy solitude and those very authentic interactions with people close to me. Generic and polite small talk with near strangers? I'm over it. I've done it for decades. I would like to retire from it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was worried people were going to tell me I'm terrible. I'm so glad to have found some kindred spirits.

I think I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm supposed to be social, make friends, go out, etc. I turn 50 soon and I think I've just realized it is not what makes me happy. I have always been a fan of Mary Oliver's poetry and recently I've been thinking a lot about her lifestyle, which involved a lot of solitude, time in nature, and just focusing on her work which necessitated being alone a lot. She had a partner for over 40 years so she wasn't totally alone, and certainly she worked with others at times and had friends, but it sounds like she was mostly just a solitary person.

I think that is the truest representation of what I want. It does not feel possible now with my kid the age she is, but I'd like to start working towards it.

Do you at least have a small circle to keep you grounded in reality a little, and as a safety net for emergencies? As in, a sister plus one close friend? Two cousins you’re close with?

I’ve noticed that some people, as they start to do this - usually in retirement- they very quickly decline mentally. I think they inadvertently make things a lot harder for themselves by so drastically limiting their interactions with others.

This is my fear. Lots of scare-media about loneliness being the health equivalent of two packs of cigarettes a day or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was worried people were going to tell me I'm terrible. I'm so glad to have found some kindred spirits.

I think I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm supposed to be social, make friends, go out, etc. I turn 50 soon and I think I've just realized it is not what makes me happy. I have always been a fan of Mary Oliver's poetry and recently I've been thinking a lot about her lifestyle, which involved a lot of solitude, time in nature, and just focusing on her work which necessitated being alone a lot. She had a partner for over 40 years so she wasn't totally alone, and certainly she worked with others at times and had friends, but it sounds like she was mostly just a solitary person.

I think that is the truest representation of what I want. It does not feel possible now with my kid the age she is, but I'd like to start working towards it.

Do you at least have a small circle to keep you grounded in reality a little, and as a safety net for emergencies? As in, a sister plus one close friend? Two cousins you’re close with?

I’ve noticed that some people, as they start to do this - usually in retirement- they very quickly decline mentally. I think they inadvertently make things a lot harder for themselves by so drastically limiting their interactions with others.

Did you miss the part about having a spouse, a kid, AND friends?

Some people just have much lower social needs than other people, and prefer to socialize only with a very small circle of family and friends, and perhaps in more chill ways than other people do. Like sometimes my spouse and I hang out together by going to a coffeeshop and reading our own books. This is fun for us. I also like watching sports with people because your focus is on something else and there's less pressure to talk the whole time, plus you can just talk about the game or match if you want. Whereas going to a cocktail party or a big birthday dinner where I will need to maintain conversation with a variety of people over the course of several hours sounds so stressful to me -- I will come home so totally drained from that, and while I might enjoy some of the conversations, the overall experience will feel stressful and not that fun to me.

At some point in life you get tired of making yourself do this stuff that you don't enjoy at all.

Yeah I mean I’m introverted too and a big dinner party is not my idea of fun either. But there is a difference between saying “I prefer to socialize one on one, doing an activity that doesn’t involve a lot of chit chat” and “I want to not speak to humans anymore and just be alone with my plants”. I’m saying it’s easy to become so folded into yourself that it’s bad for your cognition. Also it’s easy to get sucked into online worlds and conspiracies and whatnot, without any social interactions.
And no, one spouse and one child don’t count.

Why not?

DP. Right now I'm battling a mother like this. She could have written the OP. I find myself pulling away because she needs friends and/or therapy to cope with life. Not rely on kids. I have my own issues -- and friends and therapist. I will not burden my kids.

Maybe if you drop the SHOULD, you'll find that you WANT to in some cases.

If I'm more intentional about things, they're more enjoyable. But, I'd never fully give up socializing.

--introvert

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm doing this, and it is GLORIOUS.

Same. I will never have to attend a crappy wedding or a funeral again if I don't want to. I've learned my lesson. Social situations are way over rated.

Interestingly, weddings and funerals aren't about YOU - they're about other people. So if you don't want to do something you don't necessarily want to do for someone else, then don't, but I wouldn't expect any consideration from others then.

It's you and people like you that we're trying to avoid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm doing this, and it is GLORIOUS.

Same. I will never have to attend a crappy wedding or a funeral again if I don't want to. I've learned my lesson. Social situations are way over rated.

Interestingly, weddings and funerals aren't about YOU - they're about other people. So if you don't want to do something you don't necessarily want to do for someone else, then don't, but I wouldn't expect any consideration from others then.

Oh no, the funeral I don't want will be poorly attended. I better start being miserable attending functions so these crowds of acquaintances stay connected to me.

Right? I don't want people anywhere near me when someone I love dies. What a nightmare. I lived that with my mother's funeral. Spare me your condolences. And my funeral? Who cares?