Anonymous wrote:You are going to need to treat the kids the same. One of them got private tuition, the other should get it as well. That doesn't mean you don't have a conversation with them about finances and why you prefer they choose public. But I think you have to be fair.

I like the idea of offering pub school + giving them 200k at the end of it. But you didn't offer that to kid #1, so I'd take that off the table. Be fair.

I don't think you treat kids the same. If one kid is immature and possesses few study habits, a a willingness to invest in any school can be absent. No one right answer.

Anonymous wrote:When you get old and grumpy, the first child won’t be the one who is around. They have their md or jd (paid for by you), and will have a busy schedule. The second one, state college kid, will take care of you. Life is not fair to the second.

I understand this is tongue in cheek, but ...

On the contrary, the first child would presumably be financially well off and could retire early and take care of their aging parents.

Then again, the second child could find their true talent - perhaps as a culinary chef, flourish and became financially well off to retire early and take care of their aging parents.

When you get old and grumpy, the first child won’t be the one who is around. They have their md or jd (paid for by you), and will have a busy schedule. The second one, state college kid, will take care of you. Life is not fair to the second.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never in a million years pay anywhere near full price for a second or third tier private school, especially being Virginia residents, and would only pay for first tier if we were talking top ten or better. No Vanderbilts, Northwesterns, Notre Dames, Wash Us or Emorys over UVA—no way no how—no bullshit liberal arts college over William & Mary, no middling private over JMU, etc.

If I were OP I’d offer exactly what she’s proposing and hope the kid accepts. And I wouldn’t think twice about the first kid. As she said, he wouldn’t have gone for it anyway.

Northwestern is a top ten school now. I was willing to pay for any top 20 to 30 school (lowest would be Georgetown) or WASP, but I truly believe that you need meet your kid where they are at. I know too many kids who went to our nearby state school only to graduate in 5 or 6 years and then move back home. State schools require a kid who is self-motivated and on top of their stuff. Smaller colleges have more supports and advising.

Or dropped out. We know many dropouts from non-top state schools (VCU, JMU, Clemson, Auburn, UofSC, GMU). None from flagships or privates. They have at least one parent who is a lawyer or similar professional, parents usually went to UVA or VT. Their kids did not get in and they thought these secondary places would be fine. They were not. The peers had no motivation, too much online, many were used to easy-A high schools, dropped out when it got the slightest bit tough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to need to treat the kids the same. One of them got private tuition, the other should get it as well. That doesn't mean you don't have a conversation with them about finances and why you prefer they choose public. But I think you have to be fair.

I like the idea of offering pub school + giving them 200k at the end of it. But you didn't offer that to kid #1, so I'd take that off the table. Be fair.

+ 1 Just spend a minute imagining the conversation you are going to have to have with your younger child. Can you explain your rationale without making them believe that you think their older sibling is smarter, better and more deserving than they are?

But OP does believe that way, and both kids know it. It is obvious for everyone, so why pretend it is not. This notion of fairness does not mean that OP should pay equally for each child regardless of talent. If one kid has less/no academic talent than it would make sense (and is fair) to spend on college investment that would be commensurate with the ROI. If the second child showed talent in different fields outside of academia, e.g. culinary chef, than it would be great (and fair) for the parent to bankroll this endeavor instead of overpaying for a second/third tier college. I am sure the first child will not complaint that they was not offered tuition to go to culinary chef academy (which they have no interest in).

PP. To extend this analogy further. Say the first kid did great in school and want to continue to med/law/MBA and could use financial help from parents. Should OP decline to provide financial help for the first kid, just because they will not be fair in offering the same to the second kid - who has no desire nor aptitude for advanced degrees after college? I think the answer is clearly no, the parent should not felt that restraint for the wrong reason. But I would love to hear other opinions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to need to treat the kids the same. One of them got private tuition, the other should get it as well. That doesn't mean you don't have a conversation with them about finances and why you prefer they choose public. But I think you have to be fair.

I like the idea of offering pub school + giving them 200k at the end of it. But you didn't offer that to kid #1, so I'd take that off the table. Be fair.

+ 1 Just spend a minute imagining the conversation you are going to have to have with your younger child. Can you explain your rationale without making them believe that you think their older sibling is smarter, better and more deserving than they are?

But OP does believe that way, and both kids know it. It is obvious for everyone, so why pretend it is not. This notion of fairness does not mean that OP should pay equally for each child regardless of talent. If one kid has less/no academic talent than it would make sense (and is fair) to spend on college investment that would be commensurate with the ROI. If the second child showed talent in different fields outside of academia, e.g. culinary chef, than it would be great (and fair) for the parent to bankroll this endeavor instead of overpaying for a second/third tier college. I am sure the first child will not complaint that they was not offered tuition to go to culinary chef academy (which they have no interest in).

Know your kid, and know what environment will make them succeed, We’re sending our kid to what you would probably call a “third tier” school because it has the major they want and a very small environment with a lot of support. They also are financially solvent and offer “merit” to just about everyone so the price for us was the same as in-state costs. He got into several like that, and some state ones so at the end of the day, he could pick based on what fits him best. He would drown at a big state school.

OP here, I appreciate all the feedback even if it's a bit conflicting. I do see how not being totally clear about this from the start could make both kids resentful in their own way if I did set this requirement for #2 (and yes, I absolutely would put the $200k into an investment portfolio for them if they went to state school). Today in particular turned out to be an interesting day to raise this question seeing as the markets completely tanked. Maybe the only thing we have is the best education we can get, not to mention the best alumni network which would likely be stronger at these private colleges (we live in NJ, not DC or VA, sorry for crashing your party).

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses, but I agree with you. Our second kid is smart like first child, but doesn’t work hard (i.e., bare minimum). It isn’t worth it to us to pay top dollar for some lesser rank, uber expensive school when our state school has a great reputation. If kid buckles down, there will be more money for grad school.

College is too expensive not to think of return of investment.

I mean in Virginia top state schools are pretty competitive and kids who do the bare minimum aren’t getting in to them. They are getting into state schools that are probably ranked below second tier privates.

Anonymous wrote:I would never in a million years pay anywhere near full price for a second or third tier private school, especially being Virginia residents, and would only pay for first tier if we were talking top ten or better. No Vanderbilts, Northwesterns, Notre Dames, Wash Us or Emorys over UVA—no way no how—no bullshit liberal arts college over William & Mary, no middling private over JMU, etc.

If I were OP I’d offer exactly what she’s proposing and hope the kid accepts. And I wouldn’t think twice about the first kid. As she said, he wouldn’t have gone for it anyway.

OK, cheapskate. You sound like someone who is not very successful.

Anonymous wrote:I would never in a million years pay anywhere near full price for a second or third tier private school, especially being Virginia residents, and would only pay for first tier if we were talking top ten or better. No Vanderbilts, Northwesterns, Notre Dames, Wash Us or Emorys over UVA—no way no how—no bullshit liberal arts college over William & Mary, no middling private over JMU, etc.

If I were OP I’d offer exactly what she’s proposing and hope the kid accepts. And I wouldn’t think twice about the first kid. As she said, he wouldn’t have gone for it anyway.

You sound like an idiot. Northwestern is a T10, on par with Duke and Penn. And WashU, Notre Dame and Vanderbilt, and top tier “bullshit”SLACS are absolutely worth the ROI based upon prestige, network, academic rigor and job placement. The drop off outside of the T20/30 is where the value becomes an issue.

Anonymous wrote:You are going to need to treat the kids the same. One of them got private tuition, the other should get it as well. That doesn't mean you don't have a conversation with them about finances and why you prefer they choose public. But I think you have to be fair.

I like the idea of offering pub school + giving them 200k at the end of it. But you didn't offer that to kid #1, so I'd take that off the table. Be fair.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That works only if the state school has a good reputation for that specific major, OP. My kid is in International Affairs. At UMD, where he was accepted, he would have had to cobble together the classes he wanted. He went to GWU instead, which is known for IA. We can afford it.

? why? the school may be large, but students are able to get classes.

But agree about major and school.

-parent of UMD CS major grad 2026

Because there is no dedicated major for IA at UMD, given the competition from GU, GWU and AU, all nearby. That's what I mean by "cobble together". It's a lot harder to convince employers that you're actually well-versed in that field if the school you graduated from doesn't offer that field! There are history classes, political science classes, economics classes... but nothing specially made for an IA diploma. Whereas GWU has the Elliott School of International Affairs, and GU has the School for Foreign Service.

I haven’t read all the responses, but I agree with you. Our second kid is smart like first child, but doesn’t work hard (i.e., bare minimum). It isn’t worth it to us to pay top dollar for some lesser rank, uber expensive school when our state school has a great reputation. If kid buckles down, there will be more money for grad school.

College is too expensive not to think of return of investment.

We were clear from the beginning of list making in 11th, after we had already toured several and knew the basic chances from our Private School dean of college admissions:
We had a list of about 30 schools that can roughly be described as privates within the
Top30 universities or Top15 LAC (ranked based on SAT range pre-test optional as well as grad rate and class sizes), plus T5 OOS public options only.
We said we would pay for any of the ones on that list over in-state flagship. We added two more safeties as backups to the backups and were quite clear we would not pay for them unless that is all they got into.
Kid did not going to go unless that was all they got into, everyone was on the same page.
Among that T30/T15 list they picked wherever they wanted from their admits, not up to us.