Anonymous wrote:I think that Spouse B bragging about making "from scratch meals" when they work from home and making a dig at Spouse A for making frozen dinners when they're in office 5 days/week is petty nonsense. It would make more sense to split dinners week days vs. weekends, with leftovers or takeout or easy frozen meals on the days both parents work in the office.

Anonymous wrote:Division of labor has recently become an issue in our marriage. Before losing my mind, I want unbiased opinions on whether either spouse has a legitimate gripe. I've tried to be fair in putting together a list of each spouse's responsibilities to see if either of us are overreacting. Neither of us seems to feel like our contributions are appreciated.

Are we both stuck in our own silo. Is this a fair division of labor or does either Spouse A or B have the right to complain? Are there any areas I may be missing? Any recommendations to minimize the headbutting. For context we have two elementary aged kids (3rd and 5th grade).

SPOUSE A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
* Does the holiday gift shopping
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
* Washing and folding of kids laundry
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
* Shops for kids clothes
* Prepares school lunches
* Picks up kids from school
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay
* Plans family vacations/trips
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs
* Picks up and puts up groceries
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

Anonymous wrote:New take:
Why can't the kids pack their own lunches, make their own breakfast cereal, walk to school and at least fold there own clothes? At that age I was bathing/dressing myself, making my own lunch, walking to school and washing my own clothes.

....Spouse B is doing more.

Anonymous wrote:They are pretty even to me. I don't know why you're arguing, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In many cases, one income pays all the bills while other income only pays for that earner's shopping bills or student debt, expecting higher earner to not feel more pressure isn't realistic.

As a wife who make virtually all the money, I don’t think this stress means I get to do less at home. That is nonsense. My “big job” means that I cannot do stuff when I travel, it doesn’t mean I got to not do home stuff in the evening because I’m “just so very stressed.”

I am a wife who earns most of our money. It absolutely means I will opt out of some household chores. I don’t opt out due to stress per se, but I am absolutely more tired at the end of the day than my husband who works less.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In many cases, one income pays all the bills while other income only pays for that earner's shopping bills or student debt, expecting higher earner to not feel more pressure isn't realistic.

As a wife who make virtually all the money, I don’t think this stress means I get to do less at home. That is nonsense. My “big job” means that I cannot do stuff when I travel, it doesn’t mean I got to not do home stuff in the evening because I’m “just so very stressed.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Picking kids up from school is more burdensome if it’s harder for that spouse to leave by a certain time (something that both my spouse and I struggle with). Also, with younger children, pickup potentially takes longer (need to go into school to pick up kid
Etc).

Drop off is a piece of cake. You probably don’t even need to get out of the car or go into the school.

Scheduling kids activities and appointments takes more energy than bill pay/ budgeting / investments (most of which is likely automated).

Driving around in the evening is also more exhausting than weekends.

What are the biggest pain points for each spouse?

I think scheduling activities is a HUGE energy spend. But I disagree that finances is far behind. Money is a leading cause of divorce. What if one partner is a saver and the other is a spender. Managing that may not be as simple as "autopay"

Anonymous wrote:Income level is irrelevant. You need to stop approaching your marriage like you are keeping score.

Anonymous wrote:I'd say you both need to grow up. Bean counting must stop. This me vs them mentality will kill your marriage.