I think how parents behave when their kids have young children becomes a flashpoint because it's such a stressful time for people. Those years with young kids are exhausting. And these days with most famlies having two incomes yet still struggling with rising housing and other costs? It can be some of the hardest, most unhappy years in your life.

Of course you hope your parents will support you through a hard time.

Instead I think what can happen is that the parents just don't perceive their adult kids as needing help during this time. Often the birth of grandkids coincides with the grandparents retiring and wanting to travel or engage in their hobbies. So there's this disconnect where the adult kids are struggling, feel overwhelmed, feel like they need help, and when they turn to their parents, the response is "oh you'll figure it out, now let me tell you all about our cruise in Greece!" It's alienating.

I think if you value your relationship with your adult kids, you need to be sensitive to when they need more help and support, and the years with young kids are among the most important ones to be there for. I don't think it's just about free babysitting, I think it's more broadly about recognizing your adult child may be seeking emotional support, reassurance, cheerleading, or, yes, practical support during that time.

Agree with research showing that ages 0-3 are critical.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Answering as adult child who’s very close with my parents - having them help with childcare. That’s huge. There are things I overlook (annoying personality things) for how much help they provide for us as two working parents.

You sound more transactional than genuinely close.

Yeah, this doesn’t sit well with me. Id encourage you to care for them apart from what they can do for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Answering as adult child who’s very close with my parents - having them help with childcare. That’s huge. There are things I overlook (annoying personality things) for how much help they provide for us as two working parents.

So what will you do when your kids don’t need care anymore? Cut them off?

Of course not. We do enjoy spending time together and I will help them with elder care needs as much as I can. The core of it is that they want to help me, and I want to help them.

Anonymous wrote:As an adult child, I saw my parents always doing their best for us to build good lives, that made up for their shortcomings. They had kids very early in life and didn't have any role models to learn from but did their level best.

🩷

Close relationship with adult children happens because from the time they are born you do everything to make them feel loved, valued, confident and secure.

You teach them how to have good habits and mindset that will help them for a lifetime.

You give them the knowledge of how to manifest a fulfilled life, how to nurture relationships, how to be a good human, and how to attract the right people in their orbit.

You give them the tools to become successful in adult life.

You invest your love, time, money, sweat, intelligence on them. You become a better person so that you can lead by example.

You learn to become a good communicator and teach them good morals and values AND you learn to really listen when your kids speak so that they feel heard.

Be the parent that has credibility and moral authority and who is there for them with honesty and no hidden agenda. Be the parent they can look up to.

Guide them in the way that the good decisions they make starts coming from their own intelligence and moral compass, and not because of your admonishment.

Anonymous wrote:Answering as adult child who’s very close with my parents - having them help with childcare. That’s huge. There are things I overlook (annoying personality things) for how much help they provide for us as two working parents.

So what will you do when your kids don’t need care anymore? Cut them off?

Husband and I have simply created an open space for our now young adult children.

Nothing they can’t discuss w them. We’re also very honest when they ask our opinion.

Our three children, all married with kids, all live near us and its always been their choice. We have always been a close family and our kids are best friends. I'm not sure what we did right but I believe we set a good example for them and hopefully we still do. Our on going interaction with them is so casual and easy and we adore our grandchildren.

Anonymous wrote:Respect them as separate human beings and accept that they may be making different decisions than you would under the same circumstances. And that’s ok, and it goes both ways.

This was it for me. Spend more time learning who this person you raised IS, and less time trying to make them be something else.

Also, show, don't tell. I've found that unasked-for lectures go nowhere. But my kids picked up most of what I demonstrated, from table manners to housekeeping standards to personal financial management. In the areas where their approach is different from mine, as long as it's not dangerous, I've let it go.

Finally, be honest. Demonstrate that they can trust you, across every facet of life.

Two things come to mind, from a mid-30s mom who has a tough relationship with her own mother:

First, have your own interests outside of your kids. My mother left the workforce when I (only child) was born and never returned. She has very few friends and no real hobbies. When she calls, I resent it, because she doesn't have anything of her own to talk about and expects me to entertain her. It feels more like a demand to put on a performance than a genuine attempt to connect.

Second, treat your kids with a baseline level of respect. Growing up, my mom afforded me no privacy whatsoever. She would barge into my room without knocking and read my diary. When I confided in her (low stakes things like telling her about a boy I liked or that I wanted to start shaving my legs), she would tell my dad, even though she promised not to. As a young adult, I would occasionally have mail sent to their home and she would open and read it.

Mine are 25 and 27. We have a lot of joy. They call or text and we just laugh and enjoy each other. I’m proud of their unique gifts and just really like them as people, so I tell them that all the time.

We love our kids for who they are. Period. We are the opposite of transactional. We prioritize having fun together and appreciate each other. I think most importantly, our kids feel “safe” to be themselves with us, to make mistakes & learn from them,etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well equipped for and willing to do some babysitting. Listen but offer no advice unless asked.

It seems people want parents to quietly and unconditionally give and give and have no opinions or needs of themselves.

Np. Isn't that the definition of parenting? Help and money roll downhill.

Anonymous wrote:Well equipped for and willing to do some babysitting. Listen but offer no advice unless asked.

It seems people want parents to quietly and unconditionally give and give and have no opinions or needs of themselves.