Anonymous
Post 04/16/2026 09:12     Subject: What plans to make for 100% codependent mom
I'm the OP of the new thread about widowed MIL relying on adult child(ren) for weekend companionship. My MIL lives in an active adult community and still spends a lot of time home and bored. We haven't had any luck encouraging her to become a joiner. I feel for you--it's tough.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2026 01:55     Subject: What plans to make for 100% codependent mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op - she would never move into senior community. Is complete introvert. Best I could probably do is arrange for live in carer to be her friend


This carer might walk off with the money.


This happened to my MIL. My FIL, who had been divorced from her for many years, arranged for her to live in his community with a friend who was a caregiver. She stole everything - the money, car, jewelry, and even her clothing. He called us and my husband flew out and took her. She came with almost nothing. We had tried to move her here sooner but she didn't want to be dependent on us.

If she's capable, she'll figure it out. I would not move or want a caregiver if I didn't need one.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2026 01:53     Subject: What plans to make for 100% codependent mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op - thanks for the above. And yes she will refuse assisted living or any kind of group home. Likely going to buy apt in nyc near us shortly. Care manager is good idea. But it’s mainly how to provide company for a person who refuses to make friends and refuses to move into care facility, when the time comes. I cannot be the answer to that is my concern


A care manager doesn’t have to be a certified one. Hire her a friend, give an ultimatum that this is her contact person for all her requests. Ask the person to suggest activities. Pay the person well but keep an eye on them so that there’s no scamming or anything like that.
Ideally this person will later coordinate care. Use mother’s money to hire the person.

No. A care manager and a companion are completely different functions requiring different skill sets. A companion can schedule hair salon and things like that, they don’t oversee medical care management. They can accompany to medical appointments and can and should have a good working relationship with a care manager, but those are separate positions.


I am sorry but this is so American, to have an expensive “expert” for everything! How do we all manage our own medical care without a certification?! All it takes for an elderly person is for someone to take them to the dr and memorize what was said. That’s what I do for my own father.
This is “overseeing medical care management”.
I mean it’s your money or future inheritance, you have a right to spend it on “experts” but this is so unnecessary.
Ask anyone in any diaspora what they think about it. Heck, ask most Americans!

I’m not American (well, not primarily) and I don’t know where you are from, but the elderly lady in question is in the US and soon to move to NYC. She will have multiple doctors, specialists, probably PT and OT. It takes very involved children/family or a care manager to oversee things in the US. It is not a matter of memorizing. OP doesn’t have the ability to do this so it needs to be outsourced. Fortunately, it sounds like they have the resources to provide high quality care to an elder who is aging and has mental health challenges. It’s silly to tell OP to just do what people do in country X with a completely different system. I don’t think you should speak for “any diaspora” either.


What I’m saying is maybe it makes sense to hire someone who is reasonably competent but not necessarily a professional and maybe not do the highest level care, especially if the mom is an unpleasant person incapable of taking any care of herself.
Keep it simple!