Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the ages and specific families and kids/parents, obviously, but I find that parents of 3+ young-ish kids (say, elementary and under) think it's cool/fine to just declare defeat on any standards of control or manners in public settings or others' homes in the name of their many children. Like they wear their family size as a badge of honor or status symbol and it's a get out of jail free card for poor behavior and it's on the rest of us for "only" having 1 or 2 kids and managing them reasonably well.

Good for them and I'm sure they'll find their people (likely with the other bigger-family chaos crews), but if they're destroying my house and causing chaos while their peers are within bounds, they may not be on the next invite.

As a parent of 3 kids who understands it might be chaotic to host three kids in your home, this sounds a lot like “us vs them rhetoric.” Nobody is having three kids to wear it as a badge of honor. I feel like smaller families take larger ones as a personal affront. Most people with 3 kids have three kids because they want their kids to have multiple siblings and they enjoy having a larger family. Or they had accidents. I can only speak for myself, but I was willing to weigh the short term challenges of having three small kids out in public vs what I considered the longer term benefits of having 3 kids. I get that it’s a lot to invite a family over with 3 young kids. So don’t. It’s fine. We’re happy to host. If you don’t want to be our people because you judge our choice to have one additional child despite being outnumbered (and I think it’s debatable whether having one dedicated adult to one child is best for them long term anyway) then that’s fine too. I wouldn’t rule out a friendship with someone solely based on the number of children they have.

The bolded is of course false. It might not be every parent of 3 or more kids, but some definitely wear it as a badge of honor and think it entitles them to special allowances (like their kids acting like holy terrors at other people's houses).

+1. They'll tell you about it on their social media, too.

There’s also a selection bias here.

Three kids > one or two children.

Parents who didn’t want to handle the added energy of a third child to begin with are more likely to be annoyed by it when they host. So, don’t host. But don’t generalize that all families with three kids have ill behaved kids. They just have three kids and that requires the additional supervision.

Im a parent of 3 age 5 and under. The chaos is real but unavoidable. Any of my kids on their own, or even any combo of the two of them is manageable and they are generally well behaved, good listeners, and get along. There is something about putting three kids together that are uber comfortable with eachother that shifts the dynamics and triggers mayhem. They gang up on each other, rile each other up, and instigate bad behavior amongst themselves. If your well behaved single child had two siblings of similar ages to themselves, I bet they would have a more difficult time being a little darling.

Anonymous wrote:Agree OP! I also think most parents of 3+ kids just have a more relaxed parenting style so the kids aren’t watched as closely.

+1
I feel this acutely when I go to their homes too. Constant interruptions of parents playing interference. And when there’s a dog too - oh that’s another level.

I just wonder how often they need their cleaning service to keep their house that way - or if they hire a housekeeper - because their homes are just as clean as mine with a weekly service and 2 neat and tidy girls.

I've noticed the louder kids are at gatherings, the more likely parents are to be like "go play somewhere else" and that's when problems happen. If kids can play at a normal volume, they can do so more nearby, and this results in fewer mishaps.

Really loud kids are a liability.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids and there hasn't been a single time my kids have broken something or drawn on a wall at someone's house.

Is there a big age difference in these families or something?

No it's just that you taught your kids to behave.

Some parents are just lax and have not taught their kids how to behave. It's not just big families -- there are of course families with 1 or 2 kids where the kids are really ill behaved. But the difference is that if you host a family with an only child who is poorly behaved over, you just have to keep an eye on the one kid. My own kids are well behaved and even more so when hosting guests, so they even help me with this and will steer that kid away from places they might cause trouble. I've watched my children quietly move objects to higher shelves to avoid any disasters with a whirling dervish child.

Even with two kids, they have to be *really* bad for the adults not to be able to rein them in. I've seen it, but it's less common. Plus with two you often get dichotomies where one kid is an angel and the other is a mess (it can switch back and forth even, with two kids they frequently play off each other).

With three kids, good luck. That's the point where you hit critical mass and it simply isn't possible to keep an eye on all of them. It also means it's more likely that the kids will domino. So instead of one kid behaving poorly and this leading their sibling to act more responsible to counterbalance (or vice versa), if one of the three starts acting up, the other two will follow suit (maybe this is an attention thing?). They also outnumber their parents at this point, so at this point their family is a liability because they are imbalancing the kid to adult ratio.

So it's not that being one of three somehow makes kids behave badly. Any kid from any size family can be difficult, either because they were not taught to behave better or because of inherent issues or a combination of the above. But the number of kids greatly impacts your ability to manage the bad behavior. That's what is stressful.

+1 Obviously the "I love watching my kids cause blood pressure problems because they're so chaotic lol" #boymom in this thread is a crap parent, but the worst-behaved child that I personally know is an only child who is always accompanied by BOTH of her parents to every event and party, neither of whom do anything to correct her behavior on any level. It's parenting, not family size.

You missed the point of the PP though. That ill behaved only child is a pain but fairly easy to neutralize even if her parents are useless because if your own kids are well behaved, everyone just keeps an eye on the little devil and it's not that big of a deal.

When the ill behaved kids are part of a large family, this becomes impossible and that's why you wind up with kids breaking things and getting into messes you don't even discover until after they leave, because there are just too many kids and you can't watch them all.

I think the lesson here is that if you are going to be a lax parent who doesn't teach kids how to behave, please stop at one. If you are an excellent parent who raises well behaved kids, have as many as you want!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids and there hasn't been a single time my kids have broken something or drawn on a wall at someone's house.

Is there a big age difference in these families or something?

No it's just that you taught your kids to behave.

Some parents are just lax and have not taught their kids how to behave. It's not just big families -- there are of course families with 1 or 2 kids where the kids are really ill behaved. But the difference is that if you host a family with an only child who is poorly behaved over, you just have to keep an eye on the one kid. My own kids are well behaved and even more so when hosting guests, so they even help me with this and will steer that kid away from places they might cause trouble. I've watched my children quietly move objects to higher shelves to avoid any disasters with a whirling dervish child.

Even with two kids, they have to be *really* bad for the adults not to be able to rein them in. I've seen it, but it's less common. Plus with two you often get dichotomies where one kid is an angel and the other is a mess (it can switch back and forth even, with two kids they frequently play off each other).

With three kids, good luck. That's the point where you hit critical mass and it simply isn't possible to keep an eye on all of them. It also means it's more likely that the kids will domino. So instead of one kid behaving poorly and this leading their sibling to act more responsible to counterbalance (or vice versa), if one of the three starts acting up, the other two will follow suit (maybe this is an attention thing?). They also outnumber their parents at this point, so at this point their family is a liability because they are imbalancing the kid to adult ratio.

So it's not that being one of three somehow makes kids behave badly. Any kid from any size family can be difficult, either because they were not taught to behave better or because of inherent issues or a combination of the above. But the number of kids greatly impacts your ability to manage the bad behavior. That's what is stressful.

+1 Obviously the "I love watching my kids cause blood pressure problems because they're so chaotic lol" #boymom in this thread is a crap parent, but the worst-behaved child that I personally know is an only child who is always accompanied by BOTH of her parents to every event and party, neither of whom do anything to correct her behavior on any level. It's parenting, not family size.

I know exactly what you’re talking about, OP, and it’s definitely not every family of 3+ kids, but it’s most. It’s almost as though they know they’re outnumbered and have just given up and accept defeat. The kids are ragamuffins.

Anonymous wrote:How often are you hosting these families of 3+ kids. As a parent of one, it's shocking how often these big, busy families are available to come traumatize yours, so it seems maybe this post is just to stir the pot.

I mean if the family is awful enough, just hosting them once could lead a person to decide "never again." Sometimes hosting is a joy and when it's over you can't wait to do it again. And sometimes hosting is a nightmare and you silently count the minutes until they leave and when they are gone you question what compelled you to invite them over in the first place.

That's why you need to teach your kids to be good guests in other people's homes!

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids and there hasn't been a single time my kids have broken something or drawn on a wall at someone's house.

Is there a big age difference in these families or something?

No it's just that you taught your kids to behave.

Some parents are just lax and have not taught their kids how to behave. It's not just big families -- there are of course families with 1 or 2 kids where the kids are really ill behaved. But the difference is that if you host a family with an only child who is poorly behaved over, you just have to keep an eye on the one kid. My own kids are well behaved and even more so when hosting guests, so they even help me with this and will steer that kid away from places they might cause trouble. I've watched my children quietly move objects to higher shelves to avoid any disasters with a whirling dervish child.

Even with two kids, they have to be *really* bad for the adults not to be able to rein them in. I've seen it, but it's less common. Plus with two you often get dichotomies where one kid is an angel and the other is a mess (it can switch back and forth even, with two kids they frequently play off each other).

With three kids, good luck. That's the point where you hit critical mass and it simply isn't possible to keep an eye on all of them. It also means it's more likely that the kids will domino. So instead of one kid behaving poorly and this leading their sibling to act more responsible to counterbalance (or vice versa), if one of the three starts acting up, the other two will follow suit (maybe this is an attention thing?). They also outnumber their parents at this point, so at this point their family is a liability because they are imbalancing the kid to adult ratio.

So it's not that being one of three somehow makes kids behave badly. Any kid from any size family can be difficult, either because they were not taught to behave better or because of inherent issues or a combination of the above. But the number of kids greatly impacts your ability to manage the bad behavior. That's what is stressful.

How often are you hosting these families of 3+ kids. As a parent of one, it's shocking how often these big, busy families are available to come traumatize yours, so it seems maybe this post is just to stir the pot.

I have 3 kids and there hasn't been a single time my kids have broken something or drawn on a wall at someone's house.

Is there a big age difference in these families or something?

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of three (and former only child) - I agree! I tell everyone they should stop at one. It just makes life much easier to manage. (I love my kids and would do things exactly the same, but it’s expensive and complicated and I don’t actually really love being a mom!)

So...why would you have three kids then??

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible your house isn't child-proofed? Are your kids taught what is acceptable and what isn't? When they should come get you for help after they've told a friend to stop playing catch with a vase, or whatever?

What utter BS. I house proofed my children. When they were babies, sure, safety issues. But they learned how to behave, not to jump on furniture, draw on anything other than paper, and generally not act like little monsters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread because I can just feel the anxiety rise when I enter with all my boys. The utter chaos and physicality just causes some peoples blood pressure to visibly rise. I watch those folks chasing anxiously after their own child and think, Jesus, what’s the worst that can happen if he goes screaming down the hallway.

When you are outnumbered, your ability to control goes way down. That lack of control over your children allows more space for simply joy. It’s really fun to scream and yell and then they tire each other out and go to bed! I am enjoying my kids childhoods and find that I am way less stressed than parents of fewer children who have a much stronger need to feel they are doing everything right.

I have an only and I never go anxiously chasing after my kid because it is totally unnecessary. She's very trustworthy and independent and I know she'll check in with us before doing something risky or new.

Big families stress me out when they come over because their kids aren't like that. There's always at least one kid who will do something crazy that I cannot imagine my kid ever doing even in our own home much less in someone else's home, without even asking. Like moving furniture, going through drawers, trying to climb things that my kid would know not to climb.

I also don't think it's fun to scream and yell. I have tons of fun as a parent but I don't like screaming. People like that??? I taught my kid not to scream because it hurts people's ears and feels stressful. Do your kids also scream and yell in restaurants and movie theaters and at school? Cool.

You have one risk averse girl and you like quiet. There is nothing wrong with the loud and rambunctious boys or their parents. It is just different, and you just don't get it and never will. What do you do with your quiet, risk averse daughter that is "tons of fun"?

Interesting to me how defensive the parents of the loud, obnoxious kids are. Insinuating that if a person has a well-behaved or risk-averse child they are boring? That there is something wrong with them? F no. Just like your it's okay to be a rough and tumble kid ---at your own house if your own parents are fine with it. FFS what is wrong with you people?

Teach your kids to behave themselves at *someone else's* home. What you do around your house is your choice. Have at it. But stuff your faux judgy nonsense that is really defensiveness because you know your kids are behaving badly. Teach your kids some manners.