Anonymous
Post 03/16/2026 15:28     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:I recently learned that my brother and sister-in-law are annoyed with me for not contributing more to the scholarship fund they've established in memory of their son who passed away two years ago. They're mad in general that people aren't contributing what they believe people should, but specifically, my $250 when they created the fund and $50 on birthdays is insufficient. They need to raise $25K in five years, and today, two years in, they have around $11K (so, they're on track for success).

I know everyone grieves in their own way, but... this is presumptuous, right?

I haven't said anything to them because I'm not supposed to know; a different trouble-making relative decided to stir the pot and report to me. All things considered, it has the ring of truth. Today they published a social media post leaning on friends and family to contribute, so I'm feeling indignant again after months of successfully swallowing my emotions.



Did the troublemaking relative donate a good amount? Is this an aunt, mother or mother in law who is always looking for ways to insert themselves? I might be loathe to contribute any actions that would make the pot stirrers actions a win for the pot stirrer,
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 23:38     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
I've lost several members of my family. I've come to feel that anything done to remember or honor the people we've lost is totally meaningless. Sorry, it's a very jaded perspective, but it's how I feel. They are just gone and none of the post-death stuff matters.


Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 21:30     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's for a scholarship at the community college where he was a student. I had given quite a bit toward funeral expenses, and when my brother announced the scholarship, I assumed that he and his wife were funding it and that they were offering everyone the opportunity to participate with symbolic contributions.

I like the advice to give now what I'd be willing to give at the end of the campaign to make up any shortfall. I'll do that, and try to tune out any future noise from troublesome relatives. Thanks, everyone, for your feedback.


OP, if you see this, it would mean so much to them if along with your donation you send a little message saying how much you miss your nephew and mentioning a specific memory of some kind (like I was just remembering the time we were all at the beach and Larlo built a huge sandcastle with Little Larla, he was always such a kind big cousin to her) or something. A couple years after the death is extremely painful because most people have moved on and seemingly are not thinking of the deceased on a regular basis so they feel forgotten. I suspect this whole scholarship thing is aggravating that feeling if donations dried up a year ago.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 19:57     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Tangential, but here is a story of how grieving parents' initial $3000 donation of climbing ropes for underfunded first responders on the Big Islsnd grew into a $40 million memorial to their son.
Danny Sayre died in a fall. He will never be forgotten on the Big Island.
https://keolamagazine.com/community/daniel-r-sayre-memorial-foundation/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThe%20very%20first%20year%20we,has%20just%20really%20taken%20off.%E2%80%9D
https://www.civilbeat.org/2024/06/private-donations-are-helping-hawaii-fire-departments-fill-budget-holes/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThey%20didn%27t%20have%20the,himself%2C%20Mallery%2DSayre%20said.&text=Benioff%27s%20donations%20represent%20half%20the,in%20some%20of%20those%20gaps.%E2%80%9D

The parents were savvy, well off, got advice. But they built sustained grassroots funding.

Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 19:47     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Give the OP some credit. She said she gave money toward the funeral expenses. I assume the funeral came before the scholarship fund. OP didn’t mention how big her family is, but why don’t you suggest a family donation each year in lieu of Christmas gifts (not your immediate family, but all the adult and kid exchanges).


If this is a family that needed help with the funeral expenses, this is not a family that should be prioritizing endowing a scholarship.


Absolutely. They sound not well off, but needed money to fund the funeral they wanted. Then they sound unworldly as well, not knowing they should be funding most of any scholarship instead of crowd sourcing it over 5 years. Pitiful and traumatized but they are now ragefueling their financial shortfall.

OP you sound like a nice person. Give now what you would have intended to give in toto, tell them you are doing what would have been a multi year series of donations in a lump sum "to get momentum for their fundraising.". Then that's that.

Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 19:09     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:OP here. The $250 I gave to the scholarship isn't the only financial contribution I made after the tragedy, which is part of the reason why it's a little galling to learn it wasn't "enough." (And I hate feeling galled by this because I know it's petty.) I had always planned to make sure they got over the $25K hump if it needed a boost close to the finish line. I guess I can up my contributions, but urrrrgh, if I hear back that they're still displeased, family holidays are definitely going to require a lot more wine to keep a smile on.


They're just hurting from the loss of their son. And now that you know what they want from you, which you probably can comfortably comply with, perhaps just give the money, accept that their loss is so overwhelming that they are a bit blinded by it, and try to move on.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 17:35     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:$250 is super light...I would have done a minimum of 1K


The most recent funeral in my family, I ponied up for funeral costs, flowers, food.... If someone had said "And now you need to donate to this scholarship," I'm not sure I would have given another dime.


What does this have to do with anything? OP said nothing about "ponying up" anything other than at donation. You clearly don't know what it's like to lose a child.


The PP here. I stand corrected. I see she did say they helped with funeral expenses.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 17:34     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:$250 is super light...I would have done a minimum of 1K


The most recent funeral in my family, I ponied up for funeral costs, flowers, food.... If someone had said "And now you need to donate to this scholarship," I'm not sure I would have given another dime.


What does this have to do with anything? OP said nothing about "ponying up" anything other than at donation. You clearly don't know what it's like to lose a child.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 17:32     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:Give the OP some credit. She said she gave money toward the funeral expenses. I assume the funeral came before the scholarship fund. OP didn’t mention how big her family is, but why don’t you suggest a family donation each year in lieu of Christmas gifts (not your immediate family, but all the adult and kid exchanges).


If this is a family that needed help with the funeral expenses, this is not a family that should be prioritizing endowing a scholarship.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 17:31     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:You gave. I would detach from all the drama. Take the high road and be kind and respectful, but you are allowed to have boundaries.

My son's school has a bunch of scholarships that have gone unfilled despite many in need. They require essays and other hoops nobody has the time for. He has a scholarship and doesn't need more, but friends who could really use the money, but don't have the time for the hoops. So you may be contributing to something that doesn't even help anyone.

Also there should not be a monetary requirement to prove your love. Detach from their irrational behavior and give them grace.


Don't have time for the hoops? Do they have part time jobs? How much do they make per hour? Goodness, the privilege and entitlement these days ... I guess the people at your son's school don't need financial help.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 17:29     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's for a scholarship at the community college where he was a student. I had given quite a bit toward funeral expenses, and when my brother announced the scholarship, I assumed that he and his wife were funding it and that they were offering everyone the opportunity to participate with symbolic contributions.

I like the advice to give now what I'd be willing to give at the end of the campaign to make up any shortfall. I'll do that, and try to tune out any future noise from troublesome relatives. Thanks, everyone, for your feedback.


I think this approach is both reasonable and generous. Good call, OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 17:27     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Give the OP some credit. She said she gave money toward the funeral expenses. I assume the funeral came before the scholarship fund. OP didn’t mention how big her family is, but why don’t you suggest a family donation each year in lieu of Christmas gifts (not your immediate family, but all the adult and kid exchanges).
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 17:08     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
If you give a “final” amount now, don’t expect this entitled couple to leave you alone.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 17:01     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:I’d watch out for that pot-stirrer. You don’t know what they actually said, or what their emotions were when they said. That person had no business saying anything to you.


+1 to this.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2026 16:02     Subject: endowed scholarship drama
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's for a scholarship at the community college where he was a student. I had given quite a bit toward funeral expenses, and when my brother announced the scholarship, I assumed that he and his wife were funding it and that they were offering everyone the opportunity to participate with symbolic contributions.

I like the advice to give now what I'd be willing to give at the end of the campaign to make up any shortfall. I'll do that, and try to tune out any future noise from troublesome relatives. Thanks, everyone, for your feedback.


Agree this is the best path forward. Honestly, $250 was way too little IMO. It should have been at least $1000. Fight your feelings of indignation. They lost their child. Try and imagine how you might react if you lost yours.


Ha, seriously? And if the parents decide they want, I don't know, a title to a parcel of land on the moon, or a memorial brick on a pathway at the Vatican, or some other foolishness? Where does it end? No one is obligated to indulge every grieving family member's entitled whim. So dumb.

Wow