Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step kiddo 27 was a “promising student” in school but hasn’t been much successful. Graduated from college with niche/unhelpful major, tried out the job rodeo (failed), now moving back in with us. I don’t support it, you’ve gotta move out and find yourself in that way, right? It’s what I always did and I turned out I just fine if I do say so myself. But DH claims that I “never saw [step kid] as my own kid” and that’s what’s fueling my feelings. Well no, I saw my step kid as my step kid. All right and so what? The issue I need your helps with is encouraging my STEP child to move out while avoiding drama with DH.

Maybe you should move out? Find yourself in that way? It would be a kindness to both your husband and his child. Because, frankly, you sound like a festering, rancid twat.

OP here. Excuse me?

Ignore. They are a bunch of exwifes who hate Stepmoms.

100%

I’m Sorry you’re getting so much reflexive stepmom hate here. It’s reasonable for even a bio parent to be reluctant to allow a 27 year old to move back home with no plan, no limit, no strategy in place for re-establishing independence.

For context OP, can you tell us:

- How long have you been married?

- Has your daughter or your stepkid ever lived with you since you married your DH?

- Have you had money-related fights with DH about his support for this child before?

- do you work and do you own the home?

You don’t have to let her move back home, you know. You can refuse. (Or can’t you? Why don’t you have veto power in your own home?)

Anonymous wrote:Is this a temporary 3-4 month move where he’s going to move out as soon as he finds a new job/apartment lease or an indefinite move home?

I’d tolerate the first option for the sake of your step son but would be shooting down the second option. You need to make it clear it to Dad that letting Son live rent free indefinitely is just harming him in the long run. There need to be clear time lines on how long he is staying for.

+1. I’d let any of my kids move home between leases and rebuild an emergency fund if needed but that’s contingent on them getting a job (even minimum wage) while finding their career job. 3 months seems reasonable - the kid should be applying for jobs now anyways before they move home in case this can all be avoided.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step kiddo 27 was a “promising student” in school but hasn’t been much successful. Graduated from college with niche/unhelpful major, tried out the job rodeo (failed), now moving back in with us. I don’t support it, you’ve gotta move out and find yourself in that way, right? It’s what I always did and I turned out I just fine if I do say so myself. But DH claims that I “never saw [step kid] as my own kid” and that’s what’s fueling my feelings. Well no, I saw my step kid as my step kid. All right and so what? The issue I need your helps with is encouraging my STEP child to move out while avoiding drama with DH.

You are the reason people who consider leaving their spouse, never do. Because the risk it too great that their ex- married you and their kids, his kids, get the short end of the stick. Avoid drama? I hope he chooses his kid and you deal or move on.

That's fine. OP also has a daughter, and if her husband and his failure-to-launch adult child are going to be a long-term liability for OP, a clean now split is best for everyone, including OP's daughter.

Anonymous wrote:Get your half of liquid marital assets and move out.

Get your half of ALL marital assets, always.

Get your half of liquid marital assets and move out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your husband asking the "child" to do here? Work at a job for a certain period of time? Save a certain amount of money?

What do you want the "child" to do? Move out immediately? Move out in a certain timeframe?

What does the "child" want in this situation? I can't imagine that "live with my dad and my obviously hostile stepmom" is what this young adult wants out of life.

OP here. You’d think that, but step-DC hasn’t indicated anything differently. It’s so strange, I don’t understand at all.

What are you willing to do about it?

OP here. Well, seeing as I’m apparently not qualified to take issue with my stepchild moving back in, I’m not sure what exactly I’d be qualified to do about it.

You sound like you think you are powerless. Do you have a job? At what point is divorce an option? How long will you let this kid live at home and be supported by you and your husband? What if their behavior as a roommate is offensive? What if it makes your daughter mad? What if he drains your retirement savings and you become a burden on your daughter in your old age? Do you have any boundaries?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Kiddo" at 27, FFS?

The “kiddo” police has entered the chat.

I could have said how uneducated the OP's writing makes them seem, but that seemed a bridge to far. Instead, pointing out how embarrassing it is "kiddo", especially for a 27,year-old seemed kinder somehow.

Anonymous wrote:Step kiddo 27 was a “promising student” in school but hasn’t been much successful. Graduated from college with niche/unhelpful major, tried out the job rodeo (failed), now moving back in with us. I don’t support it, you’ve gotta move out and find yourself in that way, right? It’s what I always did and I turned out I just fine if I do say so myself. But DH claims that I “never saw [step kid] as my own kid” and that’s what’s fueling my feelings. Well no, I saw my step kid as my step kid. All right and so what? The issue I need your helps with is encouraging my STEP child to move out while avoiding drama with DH.

You are the reason people who consider leaving their spouse, never do. Because the risk it too great that their ex- married you and their kids, his kids, get the short end of the stick. Avoid drama? I hope he chooses his kid and you deal or move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your husband asking the "child" to do here? Work at a job for a certain period of time? Save a certain amount of money?

What do you want the "child" to do? Move out immediately? Move out in a certain timeframe?

What does the "child" want in this situation? I can't imagine that "live with my dad and my obviously hostile stepmom" is what this young adult wants out of life.

OP here. You’d think that, but step-DC hasn’t indicated anything differently. It’s so strange, I don’t understand at all.

Maybe you are doing a better job at concealing your contempt for this young adult in front of them than you are on this thread. If so, good job. Seems like the first kind thing you've done in this situation.

And you didn't answer the rest of the post. What do you want here, really? What does your husband want?

Anonymous wrote:People say "kiddo" when they are trying to remind others that the misbehaving person is a minor and deserves some goodwill and various types of support. If that's what OP is trying to do here, it's failing, because it doesn't work at 27.

I actually think women (and almost exclusively women) use terms like "kiddo" in order to soften themselves and their speech. When I hear women using cutesy speech I assume they are looking for sympathy and goodwill for themselves, not their kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your husband asking the "child" to do here? Work at a job for a certain period of time? Save a certain amount of money?

What do you want the "child" to do? Move out immediately? Move out in a certain timeframe?

What does the "child" want in this situation? I can't imagine that "live with my dad and my obviously hostile stepmom" is what this young adult wants out of life.

OP here. You’d think that, but step-DC hasn’t indicated anything differently. It’s so strange, I don’t understand at all.

What are you willing to do about it?

OP here. Well, seeing as I’m apparently not qualified to take issue with my stepchild moving back in, I’m not sure what exactly I’d be qualified to do about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG how things change once the generations become downwardly mobile. Back when kids did better than their parents nobody ever moved back.

It would probably help if housing was affordable but we all know THAT isn’t happening any time soon. Let’s not blame the kids who are trying to do their best.

You can say no to an unwanted adult roommate without blaming anyone. I suppose one compromise her DH wants to help his 27-year-old, he can spend some of his separate, premarital money to supplement his kid's rent with roommates.

I think that while what you say is FACTUALLY correct, it is not simply "an unwanted adult roommate" so much as "her husband's child that he feels an obligation to." What he is saying is that this situation really calls out the apparently valid point that OP does not feel the same obligation to this child, and perhaps has never felt the kind of parental obligation he feels. I can totally understand why OP would feel that way, but I think for her husband, it would be more disappointing that OP is rejecting his child than that the child is moving back into his home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting how everyone assumed OP is talking about a step SON when they didn’t use any gendered language. It’s so patriarchal.

You mean misandrist. And yes, it is.

?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your husband asking the "child" to do here? Work at a job for a certain period of time? Save a certain amount of money?

What do you want the "child" to do? Move out immediately? Move out in a certain timeframe?

What does the "child" want in this situation? I can't imagine that "live with my dad and my obviously hostile stepmom" is what this young adult wants out of life.

OP here. You’d think that, but step-DC hasn’t indicated anything differently. It’s so strange, I don’t understand at all.

What are you willing to do about it?