Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

A parent telling my child they wish they never had me was the final straw

Is that good enough for you ?

One told my preteen, “I never loved your mom.” So yeah, PP will never get it. Or, she’s a narc herself.

I am not a narc but yes, your mother *said* something hurtful. I suspect she’s mentally ill/a narc and it might be compounded by aging issues. Are you so fragile that you can’t see that and rise above her and feel sorry for her? IME the people who cut off family members often do not fix their lives by doing so, they only take the extreme hypersensitivity and aggression to other relationships - you’re doing it right here in these posts with a stranger… not everyone, but many.

Whatever! She doesn’t love me, she doesn’t have to see me; no skin, right? But that also means you don’t get to influence my minor children, either. You can do or think whatever you want, it doesn’t affect me and mine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

If someone has gone no contact with you for a year, they just don’t want a relationship with you. They don’t enjoy your company. They enjoy their life more without you than with you. They remember the recent time spent with you as an obligation, frustrating, uncomfortable or anger provoking. It doesn’t matter at all who was right or wrong they simply don’t want to be with you. They aren’t sentimental or nostalgic enough to keep pretending.

You mean DH, correct? Sure! But what about his mom? She’s had 12 months to eat crow, and at the very minimum, feign an apology. She hasn’t. Why?

She’s not sorry! She doesn’t see spending time with your family as worth it. Many grandparents really do not care about their grandchildren. Once the novelty wears off if the grandchildren don’t do anything for the grandparent then what is the point? Old people get extremely selfish. In their minds, relationships are often no longer two way streets, it’s what have you done for me lately.

Ah! Gotcha! This actually makes sense. The funny thing is, she was QUEEN of, “I miss you guys so much, let’s get together!” But perhaps she only enjoyed the attention, not the actual relationship. Well, clearly. I can’t imagine nothing every single thing I could to get back in contact with my kids, if I had said something to offend them. I guess that’s why I just don’t get it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

If someone has gone no contact with you for a year, they just don’t want a relationship with you. They don’t enjoy your company. They enjoy their life more without you than with you. They remember the recent time spent with you as an obligation, frustrating, uncomfortable or anger provoking. It doesn’t matter at all who was right or wrong they simply don’t want to be with you. They aren’t sentimental or nostalgic enough to keep pretending.

You mean DH, correct? Sure! But what about his mom? She’s had 12 months to eat crow, and at the very minimum, feign an apology. She hasn’t. Why?

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's grandmother cut one daughter out of her life because she lied about where her college-age sister was one night. For the rest of her life, grandma was no-contact with this daughter, which maybe she didn't mind because she had five other kids and a slew of grandkids.

My husband maintains that she was mentally ill, and knowing what I now know, I believe it.

Wait, so she cut off one daughter who was covering for the other daughter, but not the other daughter who was out and about not where she said she was?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

If someone has gone no contact with you for a year, they just don’t want a relationship with you. They don’t enjoy your company. They enjoy their life more without you than with you. They remember the recent time spent with you as an obligation, frustrating, uncomfortable or anger provoking. It doesn’t matter at all who was right or wrong they simply don’t want to be with you. They aren’t sentimental or nostalgic enough to keep pretending.

You mean DH, correct? Sure! But what about his mom? She’s had 12 months to eat crow, and at the very minimum, feign an apology. She hasn’t. Why?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

A parent telling my child they wish they never had me was the final straw

Is that good enough for you ?

One told my preteen, “I never loved your mom.” So yeah, PP will never get it. Or, she’s a narc herself.

I am not a narc but yes, your mother *said* something hurtful. I suspect she’s mentally ill/a narc and it might be compounded by aging issues. Are you so fragile that you can’t see that and rise above her and feel sorry for her? IME the people who cut off family members often do not fix their lives by doing so, they only take the extreme hypersensitivity and aggression to other relationships - you’re doing it right here in these posts with a stranger… not everyone, but many.

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

People reach their limit, PP. They feel they have tried everything and have nothing left to try. And it’s never selfish to protect children. Other adults are on their own, and I don’t see how your decision affects them personally. You can visit them separately, or not.

I suspect your protection of children is more about you. My children also know this family member and although I’m not sending them for sleepovers, I’m also not cutting them off and not allowing them from making up their own mind.

And it’s telling you don’t see how family ruptures affect others. It ripples through the entire family. People are forced to choose because of your inability to be the bigger person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are also feeling like you’re “right.” So, I’m not sure you should punish her for that. That seems a bit unfair. You’re also responsible for keeping your kids from having a relationship with her, so you can’t put 100% of the blame on her.

Your DH gave her an ultimatum and she didn’t agree with it. Instead of blaming her, it might help to have some compassion instead amping up your anger, which will make it harder to reconcile.

Where are you getting that this was the wife’s decision. She clearly said her husband drew the boundary after years of darvo abuse.

Because OP is on here saying her MIL is wrong, thus she and DH are right.

She doesn’t seem sad, as she said it’s been easier, so she seems difficult by even posting this.

I’m estranged from a sibling. I don’t wonder about how wrong they are or why they don’t see my kids. I think about the good times we shared that I’m thankful for and extend compassion towards them. I accept reality and don’t make drama by talking ill of him and posting on message boards, which would prolong my own suffering. Especially if I put all the blame on him. If you’re sad, be sad — or don’t be.

Quote where she said the woman was wrong. I’ll wait.

“From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim)” ERGO she’s making the wrong choice.

IDK why this needs to be explained.

You and OP needing a lot of validation.

Cool! Well, either way, OP is free of this woman, and the woman is free of her (and her son and only grandchildren.) It’s a win all around! Have a good one!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are also feeling like you’re “right.” So, I’m not sure you should punish her for that. That seems a bit unfair. You’re also responsible for keeping your kids from having a relationship with her, so you can’t put 100% of the blame on her.

Your DH gave her an ultimatum and she didn’t agree with it. Instead of blaming her, it might help to have some compassion instead amping up your anger, which will make it harder to reconcile.

Where are you getting that this was the wife’s decision. She clearly said her husband drew the boundary after years of darvo abuse.

Because OP is on here saying her MIL is wrong, thus she and DH are right.

She doesn’t seem sad, as she said it’s been easier, so she seems difficult by even posting this.

I’m estranged from a sibling. I don’t wonder about how wrong they are or why they don’t see my kids. I think about the good times we shared that I’m thankful for and extend compassion towards them. I accept reality and don’t make drama by talking ill of him and posting on message boards, which would prolong my own suffering. Especially if I put all the blame on him. If you’re sad, be sad — or don’t be.

Quote where she said the woman was wrong. I’ll wait.

“From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim)” ERGO she’s making the wrong choice.

IDK why this needs to be explained.

You and OP needing a lot of validation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

A parent telling my child they wish they never had me was the final straw

Is that good enough for you ?

One told my preteen, “I never loved your mom.” So yeah, PP will never get it. Or, she’s a narc herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are also feeling like you’re “right.” So, I’m not sure you should punish her for that. That seems a bit unfair. You’re also responsible for keeping your kids from having a relationship with her, so you can’t put 100% of the blame on her.

Your DH gave her an ultimatum and she didn’t agree with it. Instead of blaming her, it might help to have some compassion instead amping up your anger, which will make it harder to reconcile.

Where are you getting that this was the wife’s decision. She clearly said her husband drew the boundary after years of darvo abuse.

Because OP is on here saying her MIL is wrong, thus she and DH are right.

She doesn’t seem sad, as she said it’s been easier, so she seems difficult by even posting this.

I’m estranged from a sibling. I don’t wonder about how wrong they are or why they don’t see my kids. I think about the good times we shared that I’m thankful for and extend compassion towards them. I accept reality and don’t make drama by talking ill of him and posting on message boards, which would prolong my own suffering. Especially if I put all the blame on him. If you’re sad, be sad — or don’t be.

Quote where she said the woman was wrong. I’ll wait.