Anonymous wrote:During a recent visit to my parents house, my mother kept on pointing things out to me that might be valuable - "that unmarked box in the bottom of that cabinet might have some art in it" - and I gently suggested she put it somewhere with other valuables, and throw out things that were less important. She looked at me and said "That's your job."

It is worth noting that neither of my parents ever cared for an elderly parent or relative, so they have no idea how big of a burden it can be.

As PP notes, now that I have experienced this, I will make a point to not do this to my children. It is my responsibility to manage my belongings and make reasonable plans for my aging.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're on the waiting list for a CCRC, and we're not even retired.

My parents moved to a CCRC. His did not. The results were dramatically different. Likewise with decluttering.

How old are you?

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.

What about you? What are your long term plans so that you won’t be a burden to your children, as you seem to complain about your elderly parent. Do you have a plan in place for a retirement community,downsizing,long term facility? We will all be old sooner or later, if lucky in health, or unlucky some might think.

Would you live in the same place that you want to send your parent and why so much anger/frustration that they want to age in place? I get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please remember this when it actually comes time. If I have learned anything in dealing with the elderly is that when they are young they swear they will be independent and not need help. But when the time comes, they definitely want help.

Things look very different when you actually need help.

Nope, our parents have always said they will not move from their houses. They will "age in place" with help. One lives in a hoarded house, one in a 6000 sq foot house. Both have lots of deferred maintenance. They call us when there is an emergency like they can't find their car or the remote won't work. It doesn't cause any resentment at all.

OK well see how you feel when they start falling, getting ambulances and need someone to drive to and from hospital, wait for them after surgeries, advocate for them in the ER where they will spend 6-8 hours waiting for "scans". and on and on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.

A friend's mom said she "didn't want to be a burden," and that she was going to do this. Her kids begged her not to. She was going to miss out on her grandkids' lives. It was very tense and they were walking on eggshells, right up until she did it. Then they were sad, but also angry. It was also a theme in the latest Morning Show--Billy Crudup's character begged his mom not to kill herself. This will never go how you expect it to.

Also, I think it's weird to tell your kids you won't be a burden and creates an unhealthy dynamic. You can think it all you want, plan for it all you want, but why do you have to specifically tell your kids?!?!

Yep, I also think you have to do it quietly. Go off the pills, stop eating, arrange something else. Not tell your kid to put you in the garage -- it's a worse burden than becoming a vegetable! Your kids don't want to know!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.

A friend's mom said she "didn't want to be a burden," and that she was going to do this. Her kids begged her not to. She was going to miss out on her grandkids' lives. It was very tense and they were walking on eggshells, right up until she did it. Then they were sad, but also angry. It was also a theme in the latest Morning Show--Billy Crudup's character begged his mom not to kill herself. This will never go how you expect it to.

Also, I think it's weird to tell your kids you won't be a burden and creates an unhealthy dynamic. You can think it all you want, plan for it all you want, but why do you have to specifically tell your kids?!?!

Anonymous wrote:We're on the waiting list for a CCRC, and we're not even retired.

My parents moved to a CCRC. His did not. The results were dramatically different. Likewise with decluttering.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.

A friend's mom said she "didn't want to be a burden," and that she was going to do this. Her kids begged her not to. She was going to miss out on her grandkids' lives. It was very tense and they were walking on eggshells, right up until she did it. Then they were sad, but also angry. It was also a theme in the latest Morning Show--Billy Crudup's character begged his mom not to kill herself. This will never go how you expect it to.

Also, I think it's weird to tell your kids you won't be a burden and creates an unhealthy dynamic. You can think it all you want, plan for it all you want, but why do you have to specifically tell your kids?!?!

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if the OP is just being snarky or just has no experience becoming the parent to their aging, demented parents, or living in the sandwich generation, but I’ll bite.

I’ve already gone through my stuff with my only child/ only beneficiary (I am early 50’s, he is early 20’s). He wants anything that might remotely have value so he can be the hoarder, no skin off my back. Anything he doesn’t want has already been cleaned out. It was emotionally difficult disposing of two sets of grandparents vacation slides, love letters, pictures of people who I’ll never be able to identify, college yearbooks and the like. I should add, in addition to the two sets of grandparents I also ended up with my parents things and my uncle’s, as my mom was his sole beneficiary. Admittedly I still have a closet of their boxes, but only because my son wants the contents.

I half joke that if I ever get like my mom, who is about ten years in from the first dementia symptoms, two years into memory care and almost a year into a mostly vegetative state, that I want my son to put me in a car, start up that engine and close that garage door. Come back in a few hours and the issue would have taken care of itself.

It’s about quality of life, practicality and financial responsibility. Would my mom be thrilled her legacy and everything she and my dad skimped and saved for is going to pay for her care (so far about $500k over the past four years)? She’d be absolutely devastated. Broken. But it is what it is, and there’s no way in good conscience I couldn’t be providing her the best care money can afford.

So there you go, I’m making plans. If my son won’t go along with my car-in-the-garage idea I’ll move to a continuing care place while I’m still able to enjoy some of their offerings. But in a low cost of living area. After what has been my life for the past ten years I would never burden my child with the same path.