Anonymous wrote:I will say what I always say on these threads:

This situation is highly dependent on time of life.

A dead bedroom in your 30s is almost always a sign of serious issues. A dead bedroom in your 60s is usually not a sign of anything. 40s/50s... depends on the situation. A lot happens in those decades that can really depress libidos, though that same stuff can also cause other marital strain. It just depends on the couple and the situation.

These threads often devolve into one or two posters acting like sex is the only reason marriage exists, arguing with several posters who are likely a decade or two older whose marriages have several key benefits that have nothing to do with sex. It is seemingly impossible for these posters to understand each other, so I guess I only hope they aren't married to each other!

This is spot on. Thoughtful, nuanced, and accurate. You must feel so homeless online.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean ... I've just managed.

DH has zero interest, and I'm not going to force him. He does not want to discuss it, and I'm not going to force him to. It bothered me for a while, when I was younger and had a stronger sex drive, but I got over it. When your spouse is amazing in every other regard, you can live without it. DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I still feel like I won the lottery because he's so great and our life is better than anything I could have wished for. If that weren't the case? I wouldn't have put up with the dead bedroom part.

I also think that people who are in sexless marriages due to no fault of their own have the right to go look for that particular thing elsewhere and it is no business of the other spouse -- but I never have as I have enough to juggle in life, lol; too much trouble.

He's so great, but he refuses to discuss something that bothers his spouse? Sounds like a contradiction. Usually being a good spouse requires being attentive to your partner's wants and needs. Doesn't mean you have to 100% comply with everything, but at least discuss the difference. Are we to we believe sex is the only time he ignores your needs and wants? If yes, why does he become so selfish when it comes to sex, but he's very generous all other times?

DP.

Her DH is human, and humans are complicated. Yes, her DH is selfish in this one issue. He may be selfish in other issues too, but if the other issues align with her needs, she might not notice.

Staying with him does not excuse his behavior or his selfishness. She is staying for herself because the marriage works for her despite of his ridiculous attitude in this one area.

Sexual compatibility is one of many areas in a marriage. One can be unhappy in that area and still overall happy in others. Perhaps a sex addict, for instance, could not be in a sexless marriage, but different people value different things.

Leaving a marriage with children when the main issue is sexual compatibility is probably exchanging one set of problems for another. Say you or your spouse finds someone you are more compatible with. What are the chances that your children like this person? What are the odds that their children like you? And if this new person was so great, why did their spouse divorce them? Too many odds of things going wrong for a chance at having sex. And then what happens if the new partner ends up being selfish in the same area and more? You leave again and add a third set of parents for the kids. Sex is great, but it is neither oxygen nor water.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had asked for an open marriage. I would have gotten the ok.

Is it too late? Ethical non-monogamy does work for some.

Wouldn't work for us. DH already dumps his work, travel, and happy hours, and everything else on me. The only way I get a break with enough time to actually pursue such a relationship is via a divorce and a parenting plan.

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had asked for an open marriage. I would have gotten the ok.

Is it too late? Ethical non-monogamy does work for some.

My problem isn’t that I’m not sleeping with DH, it’s that I don’t *want* to sleep with him because he let himself get so out of shape and he puts zero effort into our relationship.

Anonymous wrote:I will say what I always say on these threads:

This situation is highly dependent on time of life.

A dead bedroom in your 30s is almost always a sign of serious issues. A dead bedroom in your 60s is usually not a sign of anything. 40s/50s... depends on the situation. A lot happens in those decades that can really depress libidos, though that same stuff can also cause other marital strain. It just depends on the couple and the situation.

These threads often devolve into one or two posters acting like sex is the only reason marriage exists, arguing with several posters who are likely a decade or two older whose marriages have several key benefits that have nothing to do with sex. It is seemingly impossible for these posters to understand each other, so I guess I only hope they aren't married to each other!

Good post.

Anonymous wrote:I mean ... I've just managed.

DH has zero interest, and I'm not going to force him. He does not want to discuss it, and I'm not going to force him to. It bothered me for a while, when I was younger and had a stronger sex drive, but I got over it. When your spouse is amazing in every other regard, you can live without it. DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I still feel like I won the lottery because he's so great and our life is better than anything I could have wished for. If that weren't the case? I wouldn't have put up with the dead bedroom part.

I also think that people who are in sexless marriages due to no fault of their own have the right to go look for that particular thing elsewhere and it is no business of the other spouse -- but I never have as I have enough to juggle in life, lol; too much trouble.

You should take your own advice.

Some people are ace and sex is just not that important. We would rather watch Netflix most nights than have sex.

I wish I had asked for an open marriage. I would have gotten the ok.

Anonymous wrote:How do they / you do it?

Get a FWB

Anonymous wrote:I mean ... I've just managed.

DH has zero interest, and I'm not going to force him. He does not want to discuss it, and I'm not going to force him to. It bothered me for a while, when I was younger and had a stronger sex drive, but I got over it. When your spouse is amazing in every other regard, you can live without it. DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I still feel like I won the lottery because he's so great and our life is better than anything I could have wished for. If that weren't the case? I wouldn't have put up with the dead bedroom part.

I also think that people who are in sexless marriages due to no fault of their own have the right to go look for that particular thing elsewhere and it is no business of the other spouse -- but I never have as I have enough to juggle in life, lol; too much trouble.

He's so great, but he refuses to discuss something that bothers his spouse? Sounds like a contradiction. Usually being a good spouse requires being attentive to your partner's wants and needs. Doesn't mean you have to 100% comply with everything, but at least discuss the difference. Are we to we believe sex is the only time he ignores your needs and wants? If yes, why does he become so selfish when it comes to sex, but he's very generous all other times?

Anonymous wrote:I have an affair. Sex is great with my AP.

So you are very open in hidden and anonymous interactions, but are too cowardly to tell the only person whose knowledge matters, your spouse. Who taught you that sneaking around and hiding were the hallmarks of a person worth emulating?

Anonymous wrote:I mean ... I've just managed.

DH has zero interest, and I'm not going to force him. He does not want to discuss it, and I'm not going to force him to. It bothered me for a while, when I was younger and had a stronger sex drive, but I got over it. When your spouse is amazing in every other regard, you can live without it. DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I still feel like I won the lottery because he's so great and our life is better than anything I could have wished for. If that weren't the case? I wouldn't have put up with the dead bedroom part.

I also think that people who are in sexless marriages due to no fault of their own have the right to go look for that particular thing elsewhere and it is no business of the other spouse -- but I never have as I have enough to juggle in life, lol; too much trouble.

“Forcing the conversation, the Why,” would lead to divorce. Nothing good to say.

I come here and rant to break tv e rest of you up /s

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know how. But if anybody says it on here they are the devil incarnate.

There’s no such thing as cheating in a dead bedroom marriage. The marriage is automatically open as soon as one spouse opts out of sex.

agree

Or you could ask for an open marriage, divorce or fap